my fiance is addicted to coke!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: shiloh, ga
Posts: 17
my fiance is addicted to coke!
I know that there is nothing that I personally can do to make him stop. I know that he really needs to want to stop for himself. but i really need somewhere that i can let all of this out. no one i know has ever had to deal with an addiction before, and i'm not ready to give up on our relationship. i love him and i want to see him get clean. i really really love him. i know that's not enough to make the addiction go away. and i know that i can't take it personally that he chooses to do this when he knows how it makes me feel... but i'm at the end of my rope!
my family criticizes me for still wanting to be with him, for doing everything that i can to support him and be there for him so he can just worry about getting clean.
but our relationship is begiing to be defined by it... i'm the giver and he's the taker.
i don't know how much longer i can hold out, i'm trying to be strong enough for the both of us. i'm trying to hold him accountable for his actions. i'm trying to make him understand what he's doing to himself and his life.
he has really low self esteem and he feels like a looser most of the time. i try to do everything to show him that he's not. i try to show him that i need him and i need him to be himself... thinking clearly!
i don't know what else to do!
my family criticizes me for still wanting to be with him, for doing everything that i can to support him and be there for him so he can just worry about getting clean.
but our relationship is begiing to be defined by it... i'm the giver and he's the taker.
i don't know how much longer i can hold out, i'm trying to be strong enough for the both of us. i'm trying to hold him accountable for his actions. i'm trying to make him understand what he's doing to himself and his life.
he has really low self esteem and he feels like a looser most of the time. i try to do everything to show him that he's not. i try to show him that i need him and i need him to be himself... thinking clearly!
i don't know what else to do!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Cassie,
first of all, welcome to SR. I hope you don't mind, but when I saw you're from GA, as I am, I went to your myspace page and discovered that you go to the same school from which I graduated
As far as your boyfriend goes, here's the thing: your family may have more knowledge about addictions than you think they do, and when they tell you that this is not a good situation, as much as I want to defend him, they are absolutely right. You have said yourself that he has very low self esteem. As much as you probably don't want to hear this, the fact is that he cannot love you the way you love him until he loves himself. He has to feel like he is worthy of you before your relationship can be meaningful... until that day, you can flatter him until you are blue in the face, and it won't even make a dent in his line of thinking.
You are exactly right when you say that there is nothing you can do for him... at least in the way of making him get help. Have you tried to convince him to get help? Maybe to check into a rehab facility? Until his addiction is less important to him than everything else in life, the addiction will take the front seat, and everything else, yourself included, will have to ride in the back.
I will tell you what you can do for him, though... you can make sure to take care of yourself. I know that sounds overly simplistic, but have you tried going to counseling to cope with this? What about going to Alanon or Naranon meetings? (In case you're not familiar, those are meetings for friends and family members of people who have an addiction. They are a great coping mechanism, and they teach you how to put yourself first again). The meetings would be great if you could get to a few, just because there you will find more face to face interaction with people like us who understand.
How does this help him? When and if he hits rock bottom, he is going to need support. The stronger you are, the more likely you are to be able to do what is best for the both of you. That doesn't mean sticking around until then if you don't think you can... to the contrary, you may be keeping him from wanting to get help just by being around. After all, as long as he has you, he is still in some kind of comfort zone.
I'm not here to tell you what to do with your relationship. But I can tell you that, as much as I wanted to jump in and save my sister, there was not a thing in the world I could do. She had to find her own way, just like he has to find his.
One more quick question: Has he been doing anything else illegal? Stealing? Or even just lying a lot more? If it has not gotten to that point yet, it probably will soon... my sister was stealing from my parents and pawning their items for drug money, when she wasn't stealing mom's atm card, forging checks, etc... Please do yourself a huge favor and make sure that this is really what you want before you proceed with this guy. The "himself thinking clearly" that you want him to be just might not be who he is right now... just a thought.
Either way, just know that I join many others in being here for you. Feel free to come back and post as often as you need to.
*hugs and prayers*
first of all, welcome to SR. I hope you don't mind, but when I saw you're from GA, as I am, I went to your myspace page and discovered that you go to the same school from which I graduated
As far as your boyfriend goes, here's the thing: your family may have more knowledge about addictions than you think they do, and when they tell you that this is not a good situation, as much as I want to defend him, they are absolutely right. You have said yourself that he has very low self esteem. As much as you probably don't want to hear this, the fact is that he cannot love you the way you love him until he loves himself. He has to feel like he is worthy of you before your relationship can be meaningful... until that day, you can flatter him until you are blue in the face, and it won't even make a dent in his line of thinking.
You are exactly right when you say that there is nothing you can do for him... at least in the way of making him get help. Have you tried to convince him to get help? Maybe to check into a rehab facility? Until his addiction is less important to him than everything else in life, the addiction will take the front seat, and everything else, yourself included, will have to ride in the back.
I will tell you what you can do for him, though... you can make sure to take care of yourself. I know that sounds overly simplistic, but have you tried going to counseling to cope with this? What about going to Alanon or Naranon meetings? (In case you're not familiar, those are meetings for friends and family members of people who have an addiction. They are a great coping mechanism, and they teach you how to put yourself first again). The meetings would be great if you could get to a few, just because there you will find more face to face interaction with people like us who understand.
How does this help him? When and if he hits rock bottom, he is going to need support. The stronger you are, the more likely you are to be able to do what is best for the both of you. That doesn't mean sticking around until then if you don't think you can... to the contrary, you may be keeping him from wanting to get help just by being around. After all, as long as he has you, he is still in some kind of comfort zone.
I'm not here to tell you what to do with your relationship. But I can tell you that, as much as I wanted to jump in and save my sister, there was not a thing in the world I could do. She had to find her own way, just like he has to find his.
One more quick question: Has he been doing anything else illegal? Stealing? Or even just lying a lot more? If it has not gotten to that point yet, it probably will soon... my sister was stealing from my parents and pawning their items for drug money, when she wasn't stealing mom's atm card, forging checks, etc... Please do yourself a huge favor and make sure that this is really what you want before you proceed with this guy. The "himself thinking clearly" that you want him to be just might not be who he is right now... just a thought.
Either way, just know that I join many others in being here for you. Feel free to come back and post as often as you need to.
*hugs and prayers*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: shiloh, ga
Posts: 17
no, he's not stealing. he acutally manages to function at his job and is even up for a promotion...which he won't get if he dosen't do something about the addiction.
he did lie about it to me for 4 years. it wasn't bad to start with, he used maybe once every couple of months when he partied with his friends. that was easy to hide and i never questioned his being sick afterward... just chalked it up to a bad hangover or something.
then, in the last year it's gotten worse. i'm not sure if the state of our relationship affected the drug use or the other way around. but i know that his using increased and our relationship deteriorated along the same time. people would tell me that he was using and i would deny it and accuse them of lying to me even though on some level i knew it was true.
finally, i started asking him. he denied it of course. then finally, one night, he was really really sick and i was tired of the lying (by this time, i'd done research and knew it for what it was)! i stood outside the bathroom door and cried and yelled and told him to choose me or the coke. he said he wanted coke!
i fell apart.
he eventually came out of the bathroom and he was a bigger mess than i was. he was burning up. so i ran him a cool bath and put him in the tub. i made him sip water and i sat there and talked to him so he wouldn't think about how bad he felt.
later, he thanked me and apologized for saying that he would rather have coke than me. but it stuck in my mind. so we seperated. we still date, but we don't live together anymore.
i miss him every day and i want to move back in with him. i know i can't, but i desperately want to!
he did lie about it to me for 4 years. it wasn't bad to start with, he used maybe once every couple of months when he partied with his friends. that was easy to hide and i never questioned his being sick afterward... just chalked it up to a bad hangover or something.
then, in the last year it's gotten worse. i'm not sure if the state of our relationship affected the drug use or the other way around. but i know that his using increased and our relationship deteriorated along the same time. people would tell me that he was using and i would deny it and accuse them of lying to me even though on some level i knew it was true.
finally, i started asking him. he denied it of course. then finally, one night, he was really really sick and i was tired of the lying (by this time, i'd done research and knew it for what it was)! i stood outside the bathroom door and cried and yelled and told him to choose me or the coke. he said he wanted coke!
i fell apart.
he eventually came out of the bathroom and he was a bigger mess than i was. he was burning up. so i ran him a cool bath and put him in the tub. i made him sip water and i sat there and talked to him so he wouldn't think about how bad he felt.
later, he thanked me and apologized for saying that he would rather have coke than me. but it stuck in my mind. so we seperated. we still date, but we don't live together anymore.
i miss him every day and i want to move back in with him. i know i can't, but i desperately want to!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
One thing I have learned from this very forum is the three c's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Don't ever let yourself believe that you or your relationship had any impact on his using. If things were going well, he would have found another excuse to use. It's what they do.
I am so sorry that you've been through this with him. I am glad he has not done any stealing yet... but as you said, things are getting worse, and they will continue to get worse until it gets to that point. Even if he doesn't steal from you directly... what if he steals from someone else, and you happen to be with him unknowingly, and then you get charged as an accomplice? If the dominos have already begun to fall, and things are getting worse, there really is little to no chance of them getting any better before he hits rock bottom, and it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near there yet.
I'm glad you were there to help him stabilize that night... but the thing is, if it has happened once, it will probably happen again. Do you really miss going through that? In fact, do you really miss him? Or do you miss having a warm body against you at night? I suspect that if you made a list of all of the pros and cons of this relationship, there would be more cons than pros at this point. Is that a fair statement? If you miss someone who is an addict this much, imagine how much closer you'll feel to someone who is sober and clear minded enough to know to treat you like a princess?
I know how hard this is... but I am so proud of you for being so strong about it!
I don't want to repeat myself, but I really feel like you could benefit from Naranon or Alanon meetings.
BTW, here's a couple of links for you, if you're interested:
This link will take you to Naranon's website. Here you can find meeting times and locations, as well as any other information you may want.
http://www.geocities.com/naranonga/
This link goes to al-anon's website. I know you say he has a coke problem, not alcohol... but really and truly, all of these addictions have the same effect on loved ones, so you can really use these meetings just as well if you can't get to nar-anon.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
*hugs and prayers*
I am so sorry that you've been through this with him. I am glad he has not done any stealing yet... but as you said, things are getting worse, and they will continue to get worse until it gets to that point. Even if he doesn't steal from you directly... what if he steals from someone else, and you happen to be with him unknowingly, and then you get charged as an accomplice? If the dominos have already begun to fall, and things are getting worse, there really is little to no chance of them getting any better before he hits rock bottom, and it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near there yet.
I'm glad you were there to help him stabilize that night... but the thing is, if it has happened once, it will probably happen again. Do you really miss going through that? In fact, do you really miss him? Or do you miss having a warm body against you at night? I suspect that if you made a list of all of the pros and cons of this relationship, there would be more cons than pros at this point. Is that a fair statement? If you miss someone who is an addict this much, imagine how much closer you'll feel to someone who is sober and clear minded enough to know to treat you like a princess?
I know how hard this is... but I am so proud of you for being so strong about it!
I don't want to repeat myself, but I really feel like you could benefit from Naranon or Alanon meetings.
BTW, here's a couple of links for you, if you're interested:
This link will take you to Naranon's website. Here you can find meeting times and locations, as well as any other information you may want.
http://www.geocities.com/naranonga/
This link goes to al-anon's website. I know you say he has a coke problem, not alcohol... but really and truly, all of these addictions have the same effect on loved ones, so you can really use these meetings just as well if you can't get to nar-anon.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
*hugs and prayers*
Last edited by ladyamalthea; 08-04-2007 at 08:06 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi Cass...
Welcome to SR.
I'm glad you found this site. Its been a true life saver for me.
The addict in my life is my exhusband (exah). We got married and had a son together and then he decided it might be a good idea to give heroin a try. I watched the man I love sink into a deep, dark, and apparently bottomless pit.
Please stick around and read as many posts as you can. You can't help him. Nothing you say or do will make him give up the coke one minute sooner than he is ready. I'm sure he's a great person underneath the addiction but count yourself truly blessed and lucky to have learned about this addiction BEFORE you married him and possibly had children with him too.
No one can tell you what you should do...the only thing I do know is that you're in for a long, tough ride. Even if your fiance finds recovery, relapse will always loom on the horizon. There is no cure for addiction. This is a life long battle. Are you sure you want to sign up for this kind of life? Think long and hard about it... and, by all means, educate yourself about the reality of addiction. Its a disease with no cure. Period.
Sorry if I sound so pessimistic...just trying to be straight with you. I learned all of this stuff the hard way.
Keep coming back...you've found a great source of support and education here.
Welcome to SR.
I'm glad you found this site. Its been a true life saver for me.
The addict in my life is my exhusband (exah). We got married and had a son together and then he decided it might be a good idea to give heroin a try. I watched the man I love sink into a deep, dark, and apparently bottomless pit.
Please stick around and read as many posts as you can. You can't help him. Nothing you say or do will make him give up the coke one minute sooner than he is ready. I'm sure he's a great person underneath the addiction but count yourself truly blessed and lucky to have learned about this addiction BEFORE you married him and possibly had children with him too.
No one can tell you what you should do...the only thing I do know is that you're in for a long, tough ride. Even if your fiance finds recovery, relapse will always loom on the horizon. There is no cure for addiction. This is a life long battle. Are you sure you want to sign up for this kind of life? Think long and hard about it... and, by all means, educate yourself about the reality of addiction. Its a disease with no cure. Period.
Sorry if I sound so pessimistic...just trying to be straight with you. I learned all of this stuff the hard way.
Keep coming back...you've found a great source of support and education here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R...i am glad you are here with us. there is nothing you can do to stop him from using.,he is in love with his drug.he is unable to love u or will ever love u as long as he is active. i am sorry about this & sorry for you pain.i understand your family & friends wanting better for you. you deserve the best. read all the stickys at the top of the forum.what addicts do.read all the threads by other g.f.'s & the wifes.it does not get better because we want it to.the addict in my life is my son. no addict cares how u feel & what u want.let go or get dragged. i know this is painful for you to read.we r here for you. i am sending prayers up for u & him & sending u a big hug..
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((cassmeister)))))
Welcome!
The more you take care of yourself the better place you will be in. Your feelings about him are about you...his dope using is about him...
Maybe ask yourself why you love being miserable with someone who uses dope? When you could be anywhere else perhaps even having fun or being at peace...What do you get out of having all this drama in your life? What do you think will happen if you let him go?
Letting go does not mean you do not love him it means you ain't gonna listen to or put up with his nonsense. If you really loove him then you won't allow him to hurt you and make you crazy that is just not love it is craziness...
How would you feel if you got some detachment from this guy and maybe just did somethings you like to do? Did you know you could actually be standing in the way of him seeking recovery by always being there for him and being the soft cushion under his a$$. Why are you letting him fall on you? Don't you see that by doing this you are disabling yourself? It's not a good thing to allow someone to hurt you it makes you just as guilty if not more so in some cases....you are not keeping him from using I guarantee you that...get out from underneath this guy and let him land on his own a$$.
Know that every time you take care of him when he runs out of dope that he is sitting on top of you disabling you...how long can you function like this...
Welcome!
The more you take care of yourself the better place you will be in. Your feelings about him are about you...his dope using is about him...
Maybe ask yourself why you love being miserable with someone who uses dope? When you could be anywhere else perhaps even having fun or being at peace...What do you get out of having all this drama in your life? What do you think will happen if you let him go?
Letting go does not mean you do not love him it means you ain't gonna listen to or put up with his nonsense. If you really loove him then you won't allow him to hurt you and make you crazy that is just not love it is craziness...
How would you feel if you got some detachment from this guy and maybe just did somethings you like to do? Did you know you could actually be standing in the way of him seeking recovery by always being there for him and being the soft cushion under his a$$. Why are you letting him fall on you? Don't you see that by doing this you are disabling yourself? It's not a good thing to allow someone to hurt you it makes you just as guilty if not more so in some cases....you are not keeping him from using I guarantee you that...get out from underneath this guy and let him land on his own a$$.
Know that every time you take care of him when he runs out of dope that he is sitting on top of you disabling you...how long can you function like this...
Thatswayworldgoesround
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Deep South
Posts: 105
Welcome:
Here is my 2 cents worth, lol. Four years is a long time, cocaine is a very selfish lover and needs to be fed constantly. If he doesn't want rehab or help of any kind, you can trust me, it will only get worse........................please do yourself a favor and look at yourself in the mirror and love you first. We truly start forgetting to do this and feel selfish when we do, even guilty.
You are worth being loved, not being second place to the love of his life...........can you try looking at it as though he is with someone else with his drug use, because when it comes down to it, the addict will usually choose the drug over you or his mother or anyone when it comes to it..............unless they choose some kind of recovery program and get support (not just us as support either).
I'm glad you've chosen to reach out to others. Keep us posted, and remember, you are not alone.
Here is my 2 cents worth, lol. Four years is a long time, cocaine is a very selfish lover and needs to be fed constantly. If he doesn't want rehab or help of any kind, you can trust me, it will only get worse........................please do yourself a favor and look at yourself in the mirror and love you first. We truly start forgetting to do this and feel selfish when we do, even guilty.
You are worth being loved, not being second place to the love of his life...........can you try looking at it as though he is with someone else with his drug use, because when it comes down to it, the addict will usually choose the drug over you or his mother or anyone when it comes to it..............unless they choose some kind of recovery program and get support (not just us as support either).
I'm glad you've chosen to reach out to others. Keep us posted, and remember, you are not alone.
trying to get it..
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by ladyamalthea 
Cassie,
As much as you probably don't want to hear this, the fact is that he cannot love you the way you love him until he loves himself. He has to feel like he is worthy of you before your relationship can be meaningful... until that day, you can flatter him until you are blue in the face, and it won't even make a dent in his line of thinking.
*hugs and prayers*
As much as you probably don't want to hear this, the fact is that he cannot love you the way you love him until he loves himself. He has to feel like he is worthy of you before your relationship can be meaningful... until that day, you can flatter him until you are blue in the face, and it won't even make a dent in his line of thinking.
*hugs and prayers*
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hey Cass,
Something you said in your post reminded me of something a friend told me inthe midst of dealing with my son't addiction. Every relationship is a combination of give and take, even a parent and child. You can't do all the giving. It's not fair to either one of you. Welcome to our family. Feel free to post as often as you want. It's a safe place to get advice, support and friendship.
krhea
Something you said in your post reminded me of something a friend told me inthe midst of dealing with my son't addiction. Every relationship is a combination of give and take, even a parent and child. You can't do all the giving. It's not fair to either one of you. Welcome to our family. Feel free to post as often as you want. It's a safe place to get advice, support and friendship.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: state of desperation
Posts: 43
Your story sound so similar to me four years ago. Except I married him thinking that would help ... it got worse. Now we have been married almost three years, the love is gone. We have a son who I can never regret but now I am struggling with how I can leave him. The only thing I need to figure out is out to get him out of my life and divorce him. NOTHING you do will change him, even of you think he wants to get better. He probably does WANT to get better but COK grabs ahold of you and never lets go unless they really make recovery their whole life. Love does not conquer addiction. Addiction conquers the love. My AH does also have a job and limits his use to after work... its still affects him in the same way. It has changed him into someone I don;t recognize anymore. To get back from cok is a very long struggle. PLease don't make the mistake I did...stay gone from him as you have been and remember that YOU deserve better. Keep coming here, the support is priceless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 23
Hi cassmeister!
First welcome to SR. My RAH was addicted to coke and crack for many years I would say about 6 years while I was with him. At first I didn't know it. Eventually, pregnant with my fist daughter I became aware of it. Reading your post reminded me of someone I knew quite well, me at the beginning of his addiction.
Many years later, I wish sometimes I had listened to my family. My RAH has been clean for nearly 2 years now, but I'm still the giver and he he's still the taker. It's just to show you that sometimes, we think that addiction is the only problem , when in fact it's not always the case.
I've lost so much energy trying to support him, through his addiction I was nearly dead inside myself when he stopped using. He was too an addict that could fonction even in full addiction at first, but one thing let to another and at the worst he could not keep his job anymore, we had tremendous financial problem because of his using.
Today, I still have a hard time to forgive him for what he put our family through. I'm seriously considering ending our relationship because I'm exhausted to be the giver all the time.
Whatever you decide, people at SR will support you. They are so great! Many hugs to you.
First welcome to SR. My RAH was addicted to coke and crack for many years I would say about 6 years while I was with him. At first I didn't know it. Eventually, pregnant with my fist daughter I became aware of it. Reading your post reminded me of someone I knew quite well, me at the beginning of his addiction.
Many years later, I wish sometimes I had listened to my family. My RAH has been clean for nearly 2 years now, but I'm still the giver and he he's still the taker. It's just to show you that sometimes, we think that addiction is the only problem , when in fact it's not always the case.
I've lost so much energy trying to support him, through his addiction I was nearly dead inside myself when he stopped using. He was too an addict that could fonction even in full addiction at first, but one thing let to another and at the worst he could not keep his job anymore, we had tremendous financial problem because of his using.
Today, I still have a hard time to forgive him for what he put our family through. I'm seriously considering ending our relationship because I'm exhausted to be the giver all the time.
Whatever you decide, people at SR will support you. They are so great! Many hugs to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: shiloh, ga
Posts: 17
thanks everyone for the advice...
you just told me everything i already knew that i've been trying to avoid.
i can't just abandon him. i love him too much... i'm the only person in the world who is there for him. his family ignores him. his friends are all addicts. there's nobody else he can turn to. the guilt would consume me if i just left him to sink!
i know that i can't marry him this way, i know that we'll never be truely happy this way, but i can't just step aside and let him die! i have to do something!!!
he's my whole world...
he once told me that i'm the only bright spot in his life! he told me that he's happiest with me. i'm a giver by nature... it's not just in my relationship with him... it's in my relationship with anyone!! i know that i can't possibly be strong enough for both of us forever... but there is no way that i can just walk away from someone who needs help... especially not someone i love so much!!!
you just told me everything i already knew that i've been trying to avoid.
i can't just abandon him. i love him too much... i'm the only person in the world who is there for him. his family ignores him. his friends are all addicts. there's nobody else he can turn to. the guilt would consume me if i just left him to sink!
i know that i can't marry him this way, i know that we'll never be truely happy this way, but i can't just step aside and let him die! i have to do something!!!
he's my whole world...
he once told me that i'm the only bright spot in his life! he told me that he's happiest with me. i'm a giver by nature... it's not just in my relationship with him... it's in my relationship with anyone!! i know that i can't possibly be strong enough for both of us forever... but there is no way that i can just walk away from someone who needs help... especially not someone i love so much!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Cass...
You say you can't walk away from someone who needs you so much...because you love him.
What if walking away from him was the only way to really 'help' him?
Do you love him enough to do that? Do you love yourself enough to do it?
Or is it just 'easier' to stay...
By staying in a relationship with him, you are enabling him.
Enablers aren't just people who buy drugs and/or alcohol for the addict or alcoholic. Enabling can much more subtle than that. As long as your fiance has a soft place to land when he is using or coming down from using, he won't feel the consequences of his behavior. Addiction destroys relationships. Thats why your fiance doesn't have anyone else in his life. By standing by him no matter what he does, your telling him its okay...that addiction doesn't destroy all relationships...just the ones with people who demand honesty and respect from him. You're telling him its okay to do drugs and lie to you about it (for 4 years, no less!!)...and robbing him of a powerful consequence of his addiction.
It took me several years to walk away from my ex so I'm not judging. Hell, the addict in my life is also my son's father...so if you doubt for one minute that I loved him with all my heart...or that I didn't have really strong reasons to want to stay and 'help' him, you'd be wrong. I know how hard it is but believe it or not, my decision to walk away was the most 'loving' thing I did for my exah. It really was. It did alot more to 'help' him find recovery than all the other ways I tried to show my love and support. Even he admits this now. He tells me all the time that I should have left sooner because it wasn't until I left that he could clearly see what a mess his life had become because I wasn't there to soften the blow anymore.
You say you can't walk away from someone who needs you so much...because you love him.
What if walking away from him was the only way to really 'help' him?
Do you love him enough to do that? Do you love yourself enough to do it?
Or is it just 'easier' to stay...
By staying in a relationship with him, you are enabling him.
Enablers aren't just people who buy drugs and/or alcohol for the addict or alcoholic. Enabling can much more subtle than that. As long as your fiance has a soft place to land when he is using or coming down from using, he won't feel the consequences of his behavior. Addiction destroys relationships. Thats why your fiance doesn't have anyone else in his life. By standing by him no matter what he does, your telling him its okay...that addiction doesn't destroy all relationships...just the ones with people who demand honesty and respect from him. You're telling him its okay to do drugs and lie to you about it (for 4 years, no less!!)...and robbing him of a powerful consequence of his addiction.
It took me several years to walk away from my ex so I'm not judging. Hell, the addict in my life is also my son's father...so if you doubt for one minute that I loved him with all my heart...or that I didn't have really strong reasons to want to stay and 'help' him, you'd be wrong. I know how hard it is but believe it or not, my decision to walk away was the most 'loving' thing I did for my exah. It really was. It did alot more to 'help' him find recovery than all the other ways I tried to show my love and support. Even he admits this now. He tells me all the time that I should have left sooner because it wasn't until I left that he could clearly see what a mess his life had become because I wasn't there to soften the blow anymore.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Welcome Cass Meister. Glad you are here, sorry it has to be under these circumstances.
I read thru your posts and the one thing I can add is that GUILT is a selfish feeling which is self inflicted. Taking care of you and letting him go is better for him than holding his hand and supporting him. Most addicts need to see that their addiction has caused them to be in a bad place before they will seek help. this bad place is called their bottom. Some Addicts never each bottom, often because there are always people out there who will support them.
You need to stop focusing on him and start to focus on you. My advice is to get to NarAnon or AlAnon meetings and read Co Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Learn to love yourself first. W/O that you cannot possibly love him.
My further advice would be to run baby run.. but that is your decision. Please, whatever you do, do NOT have a child with this man until he decided that he needs to get into recovery and get sober.
Read all the stickies at the top of the forum and learn. Most people come here and think that if their addict would only stop using drugs that things would be OK. That is not true.. recovery means treating the entire addiction issue within the person which lies deeper than the drug use.
Good luck. Keep posting. Glad you are here starting to walk on Recovery Road.
I read thru your posts and the one thing I can add is that GUILT is a selfish feeling which is self inflicted. Taking care of you and letting him go is better for him than holding his hand and supporting him. Most addicts need to see that their addiction has caused them to be in a bad place before they will seek help. this bad place is called their bottom. Some Addicts never each bottom, often because there are always people out there who will support them.
You need to stop focusing on him and start to focus on you. My advice is to get to NarAnon or AlAnon meetings and read Co Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Learn to love yourself first. W/O that you cannot possibly love him.
My further advice would be to run baby run.. but that is your decision. Please, whatever you do, do NOT have a child with this man until he decided that he needs to get into recovery and get sober.
Read all the stickies at the top of the forum and learn. Most people come here and think that if their addict would only stop using drugs that things would be OK. That is not true.. recovery means treating the entire addiction issue within the person which lies deeper than the drug use.
Good luck. Keep posting. Glad you are here starting to walk on Recovery Road.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: shiloh, ga
Posts: 17
i'm so tired of people telling me that i don't really love him if i won't leave him. or i don't really love him if i don't have the respect for myself to get out of the relationship. or whatever other reasons people can possibly come up with that i don't love him. of course i love him. if i didn't love him, it would be easy to walk away! i could just turn my back and not care if he slipped quietly into oblivion.
but the fact of the matter is, i'm deeply emotionally attached to him and i love him more than anyone in the world.
of course i don't want to live with an addict for the rest of my life. i mean, when i was seven years old, playing dress up.. prince charming wasn't a coke head. but i'm a grown-up now and life is alot different than i planned. i have no dillusons about the severity of the problem, and maybe everyone thinks i'm being selfish... but i'm not just going to walk out of his life and leave him to rot. he's stranded right now, i know that he is. i know that he needs help. i understand that he has to want it first... but leaving him to die is not an option!
i mean, how could i live with myself knowing that i just turned my back on someone i care about?
that's how i see it...
i do love myself. i don't like myself alot, but i know that i deserve to be loved. and i know that somewhere under all that drug addicted mess, is the man who went all over the place finding my pink engagement ring because that's my favorite color!
but the fact of the matter is, i'm deeply emotionally attached to him and i love him more than anyone in the world.
of course i don't want to live with an addict for the rest of my life. i mean, when i was seven years old, playing dress up.. prince charming wasn't a coke head. but i'm a grown-up now and life is alot different than i planned. i have no dillusons about the severity of the problem, and maybe everyone thinks i'm being selfish... but i'm not just going to walk out of his life and leave him to rot. he's stranded right now, i know that he is. i know that he needs help. i understand that he has to want it first... but leaving him to die is not an option!
i mean, how could i live with myself knowing that i just turned my back on someone i care about?
that's how i see it...
i do love myself. i don't like myself alot, but i know that i deserve to be loved. and i know that somewhere under all that drug addicted mess, is the man who went all over the place finding my pink engagement ring because that's my favorite color!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Cassie,
I don't think anyone is denying that you love him. Clearly you do, or you wouldn't be here, trying desperately to find someone to help you justify staying with him.
The man who searched long and hard for that ring may be under there, but just try to keep in mind what a thick blanket the drugs are, and they are covering him up, and you cannot remove the blanket. If you stay, which is completely up to you, just be prepared to know that you will more than likely drown with him in his misery. You deserve so much better than this.
I know how hard this is... we're all here for you. Have you considered those meetings we've been mentioning?
I don't think anyone is denying that you love him. Clearly you do, or you wouldn't be here, trying desperately to find someone to help you justify staying with him.
The man who searched long and hard for that ring may be under there, but just try to keep in mind what a thick blanket the drugs are, and they are covering him up, and you cannot remove the blanket. If you stay, which is completely up to you, just be prepared to know that you will more than likely drown with him in his misery. You deserve so much better than this.
I know how hard this is... we're all here for you. Have you considered those meetings we've been mentioning?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Cass,
I'm sorry you didn't find the answers you were looking for.
Of course, no one suggested that you don't love him. Clearly, you do. But love isn't enough...if it were, none of us would be here.
I hope you find the answers your looking for...I really do.
I hope your addicted fiance is 'different' than the rest of the addicts we discuss here on this board. After all, I think we all wanted to believe that our situation was different when we first got here...its a big defense mechanism imo. In the end, however, the stories are pretty much the same. The addict gets worse and worse and the person who loves them so much gets pulled into a hole with them all in the name of 'love'. Later, if the addict does find recovery, the relationship is so damaged by all of the lies and betrayal that goes along with drugs, that they have a very difficult time making the relationship healthy again. And then, of course, there are the frequent relapses...its all part of the disease.
Yes, there are some success stories out there...but, from what I've read here and experienced in my life, they are the exception and not the rule. That is, of course, if you define success as the addict quitting drugs never to relapse again and everyone rides off into the sunset never to be effected by drug addicition again. My definition of success is different, however. Success in this forum means learning to live your life in a healthy way regardless of what the addict might chose to do. That, to me, is success and thats what the earlier responses to your post were speaking to.
I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. Wish I had the magic words you were looking for when you came here looking for anwers. I don't know of any...aside from the ones that have already been shared with you here.
I'm sorry you didn't find the answers you were looking for.
Of course, no one suggested that you don't love him. Clearly, you do. But love isn't enough...if it were, none of us would be here.
I hope you find the answers your looking for...I really do.
I hope your addicted fiance is 'different' than the rest of the addicts we discuss here on this board. After all, I think we all wanted to believe that our situation was different when we first got here...its a big defense mechanism imo. In the end, however, the stories are pretty much the same. The addict gets worse and worse and the person who loves them so much gets pulled into a hole with them all in the name of 'love'. Later, if the addict does find recovery, the relationship is so damaged by all of the lies and betrayal that goes along with drugs, that they have a very difficult time making the relationship healthy again. And then, of course, there are the frequent relapses...its all part of the disease.
Yes, there are some success stories out there...but, from what I've read here and experienced in my life, they are the exception and not the rule. That is, of course, if you define success as the addict quitting drugs never to relapse again and everyone rides off into the sunset never to be effected by drug addicition again. My definition of success is different, however. Success in this forum means learning to live your life in a healthy way regardless of what the addict might chose to do. That, to me, is success and thats what the earlier responses to your post were speaking to.
I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. Wish I had the magic words you were looking for when you came here looking for anwers. I don't know of any...aside from the ones that have already been shared with you here.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
FWIW my thoughts:
God Knows I loved my addict too.
God knows I did everything in my power to "help."
God knows he did everything addicts do (read the stickie) and used me until I was used up.
God knows that when he realized I was close to being used up (financially) he started to cheat and he left for someone who would do drugs with him and be his new co-dependent and support.
God Knows that his leaving was a gift as was me learning to see life with reality eyes instead of thinking about the few times he was so sweet and nice (and those times became fewer and fewer with time) and focusing on those good things.
God knows I am in a much better place today and that I understand his life is HIS life to live or to die using drugs, and not mine to worry over and obsess over and awfulize over or try to fix.
God knows that I am giving my XABF the opportunity to have the dignity to make his own choices without my support.
Only God knows if my XABF will make it or not, find or seek recovery someday or not and how long his life will be.
God knows I have turned those worries over to Him and that is exactly where they should be.
I thank God every day for my clearer vision and for having my life back without a drug addict in it.
I am so grateful for having the experience of Steve, my XABF, because it allowed me to find my own path and to be here where I am today.
I cannot prevent Steve from dying as a drug abuser and from addiction. I could not when he was with me. I could not before he was with me. I cannot now that he is gone from my life.
Steve's living is Steve's job and he must do it in concert with his perception of a higher power. It is not my job and God knows I tried to make it my job for 6 years and failed.
God Knows I loved my addict too.
God knows I did everything in my power to "help."
God knows he did everything addicts do (read the stickie) and used me until I was used up.
God knows that when he realized I was close to being used up (financially) he started to cheat and he left for someone who would do drugs with him and be his new co-dependent and support.
God Knows that his leaving was a gift as was me learning to see life with reality eyes instead of thinking about the few times he was so sweet and nice (and those times became fewer and fewer with time) and focusing on those good things.
God knows I am in a much better place today and that I understand his life is HIS life to live or to die using drugs, and not mine to worry over and obsess over and awfulize over or try to fix.
God knows that I am giving my XABF the opportunity to have the dignity to make his own choices without my support.
Only God knows if my XABF will make it or not, find or seek recovery someday or not and how long his life will be.
God knows I have turned those worries over to Him and that is exactly where they should be.
I thank God every day for my clearer vision and for having my life back without a drug addict in it.
I am so grateful for having the experience of Steve, my XABF, because it allowed me to find my own path and to be here where I am today.
I cannot prevent Steve from dying as a drug abuser and from addiction. I could not when he was with me. I could not before he was with me. I cannot now that he is gone from my life.
Steve's living is Steve's job and he must do it in concert with his perception of a higher power. It is not my job and God knows I tried to make it my job for 6 years and failed.
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