ladyamalthea

Well, I didn't want to say anything about this just yet, I guess partly because I didn't want to believe mom could be right, partly because I thought maybe mom was just paranoid, and partly because it just didn't seem to fit... but here it is: I don't think Melissa's sobriety is going to last much longer, if it is still there...

I found out that the reason mom was tightening up so much on her is because mom thought she used on Monday. I didn't want to believe it... not necessarily in denial, because it has been in the back of my mind ever since... just hoping it wasn't true. Then, this morning, I was playing around on myspace and went to her page. I looked at her list of friends, and there are two people on there who really really scare me... her ex boyfriend, and then some kid I've never heard of, but whose "mood" icon says 'high"... so he's definitely not someone who's in recovery. I haven't told my mom, because I feel like that would just make things worse. I feel like things will reveal themselves in due time, and there is no sense in making things more dramatic in the meantime.

The biggest thing that upsets me is the exbf. He's burglarized my parents, enabled my sister on multiple occasions, and stolen beer from his former job (assuming they didn't sell it to him illegally). Melissa told me a few weeks ago that she felt like she was going to need to make amends with him. How silly... he did nothing but drive her further into her addiciton, and yet she feels like she owes him an apology? Just to give you an idea, when my parents tried to get him to help them talk Melissa into getting help, his response was that he needed her to help with their apartment, which he was in illegally... so there is absolutely nothing good that can come from them being in contact.

I know that there's nothing in the world I can do to pull her away from this. If I was to bring it up, at worst it would upset her and we would get into a huge fight, at best anything I say about it would go in one ear and out the other. I know I have to let go and let God... there is absolutely nothing I can do.

But here's the thing... I am now back in a position where I don't know how to act. I don't know if I should act like things are fine around her or if I should protect myself... I feel like either action is flawed and there doesn't seem to be a good middle ground. I don't know that my heart can handle losing the sober her again, but if I give up on her I'll always feel like it was partly my fault that she fell again, that I wasn't there enough etc etc...

I hate to keep asking this of you all, but please keep her in your prayers for now. I know that she's strong enough to get through this, and I know she wants to get through this... she's looking into going back to school, still going to meetings everyday, and doing her daily reading with mom and dad. So, I know her heart is in the right place. But I also know that sometimes having one's heart in the right place isn't quite enough...

I love you guys. I am so thankful that I can come here when I need to and I just hope I am doing as much good for someone else as you do for me. Thanks!

marle

Sending some prayers for Melissa. And you are right there is nothing you can do or say to prevent the relapse, but you can take care of yourself. Hugs, Marle

parentrecovers

relapse is hard on everyone. so marle is right - take care of yourself. prayers going out, k

tropikgal2

Here is a (((HUG))) and prayers too. I hope your Mom was wrong and that your sister stays clean.

hope213

back to the 3c's , you did not cause it, you can not control it & you can not cure it. i am sorry about all of this & my prayers are for all of you.hugs,

greeteachday

I'm sorry you are starting to get those sick to your stomach type feelings. I hated those feelings and what they did to me. Hated projecting and stressing and snooping, but as I got stronger in my recovery I was able to shed some of those reactions. I still felt sick to my stomach though and so sad when I knew for sure my daughter had relapsed. Seeing potential warning signs of relapse is tough...but recovery is tough too. They say relapse is a part of recovery but it isn't mandatory. I'm glad to hear that you are using your tools to make sure you don't relapse as well.

What to do? Well you can not control it, so why not just enjoy the time you spend with your sister? If she does slip back to full blown using, you have your tools, you can establish and maintain the boundaries you need. I understand what you mean about not wanting to be hurt, but you can not control what she does, just how you react. So maybe for today, just love her and enjoy her company.

Don't forget that she has tools as well and I have heard that working a program takes away a lot of what used to be the fun of getting high. There are many here who have had their addicted loved ones relapse and then pick themselves back up and went back to their program. There is always hope.

Hugs and yes, I have you and your sister and your parents too in my prayers.

ladyamalthea

Thanks so much everyone...

I guess the biggest part that hurts is that she wrote me that sweet little letter the other day that I shared here, and then there's all of this? So, was that her way of trying to protect me from the truth?

*sigh*.... thanks for letting me vent. I am so thankful for you guys!

marle

Just before I found out that my daughter was using again, she took me out to lunch, bought me my favorite cookies and candy at the mall and was extra sweet to me. A week later I found out that she was back with the abf and using. Things can change so quickly. I like what Greet says about enjoying every day with her and not worrying about what will happen. If she is using or thinking about using, I am sure that she is scared and disappointed with herself too. If you ask her, she will deny it. Another thing it could be and you can google it is PAWS (post addiction withdrawal syndrome). It can look very much like using behavior and is pretty predictable. It can also warn the addict about a possible relapse before they actually relapse. Your sister has been through a program and has the tools. Sometimes the addict slips a bit but does not go back to full-blown using. Sending prayers that Melissa will continue in recovery. Hugs, Marle

Lightenup

I know that sometimes it is just good to get away physically from someone when you start to feel all those feeling and can't express them to the addict. This is a good place, too, if you need to vent. I can totally empathize with you. It's hard when they use, it's hard when they recover, it's hard when they relapse, but we really do need to focus on us, especially during those hard times, do something, just one small kind thing for you today with no thought of her............it does help refocus.

Prayers for your sister, for you, for your family. Addiction sucks, hey?

But at least we're not alone and that makes a world of difference. Even when I am not current on this site, I know these people are really out there and that makes me feel not so alone in this journey, so I hope you can feel a little of that today, too

Bets

krhea75

Hey lady,
Hang in there, give it time, take care of you. We can't avoid hurt in life, it is part of this journey. My son has relapsed so many times, and each time it hurts. Maybe she's just wavering. Give her some space and you some space.
krhea

Mertzie

(((Lady))) I'm so sorry to hear that your sister may be slipping. I will pray that she will recognize her former associations as triggers and remove herself from that environment. As you said, it does sound like her heart is in the right place. Recovery is a lifelong effort and I hope she will continue to use her recovery tools to get over whatever wall might be blocking her path. Hugs to you.