8675309

My 7 year old son just told me that his dad told him that he might move back into the house and sleep in the basement or move closer to our house.

Grrr! My dear AH and I already had the conversation. He asked if he could move back in and I told him NO. Now he is telling our son this. Good grief. I wish he would grow up and stop trying to give our son false hope. It is really ticking me off! He did the same thing when we told him that AH was moving out. I stated the facts about Mom and Dad not getting along so Dad was moving out but then AH stated "we will try to work things out so Dad can move back in, would you like that". Argh! Our son does not deserve to be used as a ploy for his father's false hopes. I have been VERY clear to AH that he is not moving back in and there is no chance of reconcilling or even talking about it as long as he is drinking. What part of that doesn't he get?

I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Barbara52

Unfortunately, many times a parent willthink they are doing the irght thing by giving a child false hope that a marriage will go back to be whole. Not uncommon in ordinary circumstances, probably not uncommon when addiction is involved.

If it were me, I'd try to get your AH to understand that this is truly unfair to your son, that your son's interests need to come first for both of you and part of that is not to give rise to false hopes of you 2 getting back together some time soon.

LGLG07

I am experiencing a very similar situation right now . Theres a restraining order against ah preventing him from seeing me and our kids (except for 1 supervised visitation a wk) and from coming by the house .

Our daughter sent me a text yesterday that said something like this : daddy said he cant live like this anymore with a restraining order ( I have been very careful to not use the term restraining order to my kids ) he says he feels like a criminal and if you dont drop it you will get a divorce . Then our 9 yr old daughter tells me when I see her that ah told her its all my fault why the cant see each other and to tell me to drop the restraining order .

Its unreal to me that there are people who just dont know better than to speak to kids this way . Then when I think about it I realize we arent dealing with rational people . We are dealing with alcoholics .

I believe (IMO) that being sober is more than just not drinking , its a state of mind , and can only be achieved after a prolonged period of not drinking . I have this opinion based on reading many posts on this site from recovering A's . They mostly say that during that first year (approx) of not drinking that their emotions are all over the place , on a roller coaster ride , they still think as if they are drinking even though they arent . Maybe it takes the mind a while to catch up to the body after so much damage is done . I'm guessing this makes that first year (approx) of sobriety very very difficult mentally not just physically and if an A can make it through that period then they come to their next stage of sobriety where the rides are a little shorter and a little more managable but still with some bumps on the tracks .

Again this is just my opinion .. I hope your ah can get and stay sober long enough so his mind can catch up and he can think rationally again and stop hurting your son .
You continue to keep your boundarys and protect your son like you are doing now . Be his safe place and show him through your actions he can trust you .

Your doing a great job ! Keep moving forward !!

(())s

8675309

So I called the ah to find out what time he was planning on picking up our son today. Got that topic out of the way and then proceeded to tell him that I was going to decline on his offer to attend the local festival with him and our son today. I also decided to ask the question as to why he had said this to our son and he tip toed around when he may have said something at some point about moving back in. Of course he never did answer the question "why". I asked him not to project his feelings about our relationship on our son. Then he stated that he is going to move back to this side of town so that he could be close and see our son more often. I advised him that we would need to discuss this when he moves closer and that visits would have to be planned. I don't need him dropping in at the drop of a hat.

In the next breath he told me that our son has made comments to him. I fell for the bait and asked what. He indicated it was something about "drunks". He then stated that he just sweeps the comments under the rug. This is something I have never said to or around our son. In fact I have never called the ah a "drunk". I found that very interesting that he took the opportunity to turn it back on to me. The sad thing about this is, that if he does sweep our son's comments under the rug and they go unanswered, he could loose our son's trust. That would be a very sad thing for him.

Then he said that he wanted to be closer to us so that he could prove himself to me. I asked him "prove what, that you can quit drinking". He replied, yeah, during the week. I restated to him that cutting down wasn't acceptable to me and that there was NO chance of even talking about reconcilling while he is drinking! I also asked if this seemed like new news to him, he replied that it wasn't. I have had it. He doesn't get it at all. No means no! Yet, he continually tries to pull new tricks out of the bag to try to get me back. Maybe he thinks I'm just kidding.

I'm not sure that I am willing to wait around and find out if he will ever choose not to drink. I am feeling so frustrated and angry with the whole situation. We have been seperated 3 months now and nothing, I mean nothing has changed. He simply continues to tell me what he thinks I want to hear and try to wear me down.

LG, AMEN to that!

I am very thankful for all of you here on SR, Al-anon, family, and friends to help me get through this madness.

LGLG07

They are all so similar its incredible!!
You seem like you are doing an amazing job with your boundarys and protecting you and your son . You definitely have his number , that is for sure !

I dont think at all that you should wait for him to decide , you should continue what you are doing , move on , get well , take care of your son . Take one day at a time and dont have any expectations (you cant get disappointed that way) .

When my ah starts trying to push my buttons I do my best to bite my tongue , if I dont respond , the conversation cant go on !

Keep posting , you are inspiring!!
(())s

GlassPrisoner

I used to think I knew other peoples motives. During my 5th step, my sponsor said "You don't know what motivates yourself !!!! How can you know what motivates other ?"

And, sadly, he might really think he is going to move back in. I'm a recovering alkie, and I could see myself thinking that way.....(makes sense to me....)

I'm, sorry your son is caught in the middle. And I'm sorry for waht you're going through.

8675309

Glass, thanks so much for adding your perspective. I really appreciate it.

Alcoholism is such an incredibly sad thing as it grips someone so hard it seems as they don't know how to live life without it. They see reality in such a different rhelm than most of the rest of the world and have no idea of how it affects the world around them.

I do think I am going to proceed to finding some counceling for my son. He seems as though he is doing okay but I want to make sure he knows he can talk his feelings out with someone who is not his parents. If it's one thing I don't want in all this is for him to be damaged.

outonalimb

My exah has a fantasy that we're going to get back together too. I think he really believes it. I think Glass Prisoner is exactly right.

Just keep being consistent in your message and enforce your boundaries. Thats ALL you can do. Your son will have his own relationship with his dad...good or bad. Active addicts and alcoholics can't see how harmful it is to feed false hope to a child. The child believes them because they trust them but eventually they figure out that they can't count on the things their father says to them...not just in this area but in every area...(when they'll pick them up for visitation, promises to do things with them or take them places that never materialize, things they promise to buy them but don't, talks of extravagent vacations and whatever else they think will endear them to their children). The addict or alcoholic thinks they will actually follow thru on everything at the moment they promise them but, in the end, they can't because their addiction is in the way. This is something he'll have to account for as your son gets older. I truly believe this...and its completely out of your hands.

I have an ex who sounds just like yours...and an 8 year old son who struggles to figure everything out. I just try to be a stable force in his life and let the chips fall where they may as far as his relationship with his dad is concerned. This is a new approach for me...I used to try and get my exah to see things clearly but just gave up. I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. He just doesn't get it.


Anyway, I understand your grief...I so understand it....
Hugs from one mom to another...