ConcernedBigSis

I recieved this in my email today from my mother-in-law. To say the least I'm a little bit p*ssed about it. I didn't ask for any input, and I really don't want it from someone who has pretty much nothing to do with me. I've showed it to both AH and my cousin. AH was MAD, feels it's not his mother's place to butt in. My cousin, she feels the same way that I do.. it's wrong. The line "He feels pretty bad , now that is enough of this..... if that is the problem." in particular bothers me... I feel like she's trying to tell me to go home. Could I be taking it the wrong way?? My cousin agrees that it sounds like she thinks I need to just suck it up and go home.

****,
Sometimes I know that **** can do foolish things. Let me tell you! Always, the problem is not thinking. He has never thought that he's affecting anyone else. I feel in some ways that he is alot like his mom Bull headed and makes his mind up too fast. Not that I have done "weed". **** would never knowingly hurt the people he loves.

Maybe, ****, the stress of his dad's death, all the b.s. with the bank, the new home, moving is the problem. I know that he is still trying to deal with his dad's passing. **** has always been "very sensitive", I know that he is trying to hide it and figure it all out for himself. Just let him know that YOU support him. ****, ever since **** was a little kid he has always been a mommy's boy. he loves you and the kids more than anything else in this world. I only know about the weed, I talked to him about it, I told him "no more" He feels pretty bad , now that is enough of this..... if that is the problem.

If you ever want to know about stuff..... just ask

I know you will work things out!
welcome to married life!
sometimes problems are better or worse!


Love always,
the other Mom

laurie6781

I think it is a matter of perception. When I read this, being a Mom with a SIL and several DIL's I thought she was trying to say that she knows her son is not perfect, and that she does understand (although her wordage could have been better). I also think she may be of the 'older school' that takes 'marriage vows' literally when she said "better or worse."

That being said.........................if I were you, I would reply with something like this:

"Thanks *****. I appreciate your care and concern. However, at this time I need time to work things through in my own head and then to work things out, or not with ****, just he and I and possibly a therapist.

Love,

XXXXXXXX"

I believe that as we grow and change in recovery it becomes easier to give someone "the benefit of the doubt" so to speak. When I get angry and upset about a communication as I perceive it, I am giving that person space in my head. I don't like to do that anymore, lol I want that space for me.

Please don't give her space in your head. Instead look on it as a lesson of how not to be when your children are older and you become a MIL.

Love and hugs,

greeteachday

I sure can understand that you are annoyed...She sounds like a very doting mother who is very much in denial. I guess she just wants everything to be what it was and she thinks she has fixed things so all will be okay.

I know that isn't anything you want to hear and I hope you can just let it roll off of you. We moms sometimes do incredibly silly things when we aren't ready to face addiction. Hopefully in time she will also understand her powerlessness. Hugs

cece1960

I agree with the above...doesn't seem to have malice, but annoying to say the least.

we often mention here about trying to be understood by the "earthlings" around us. Its an excercise in futility.
Stay on track, and don't let the "well-meaning" messages get to you.
(((Hugs)))
Cece

ladyamalthea

I also agree with Laurie... she seems to have meant well, but clearly her wording could have been better. My MIL is bad about that sometimes. I've gotten to where I just remember to take her with a grain of salt and go on. The beautiful thing is that you don't have to care about what her view on this is... and you don't have to tell her that you don't care either. She doesn't have to know if you don't want her to. Sometimes I think it's easiest to just not worry about it. Ultimately, her opinion really doesn't matter and should have no impact on your marital decisions... so I would treat it as just that. I know how frustrating it can be though...

*hugs and prayers*

parentrecovers

sounds like mom could use some alanon meetings?

ConcernedBigSis

Perhaps all of you could be right, maybe she is just showing that she cares. It annoys the hell out of me because in the 4.5 years that I've been with AH, this woman hasn't been overly pleasant to me. She doesn't have the time of day for me, when she does speak to me she tells me what to do. I can't stand her! She has put AH through a lot of crap since his father died, and I mean A LOT. Honestly, even AH says that she doesn't really care because of some of the things she has done to her own children. He believes it's another way for her to try and tell us what to do and still try to play the caring woman. She's very manipulative, not a nice woman at all. Certainly the last person I want marriage advice from considering she walked out on AH's dad because she was sleeping around.
Sorry if this seems mean, this woman just makes me furious!! I know what she's all about, she can "play nice" really well... but its usually all an act.

hope213

mother inlaws can be something else. i really feel bad about some of the things i said to my a.s.'s wife. i loved her like a daughter & i can look back now & remember some awful things i said before recovery. i really do not think she meant anything bad in the email. she just loves her son & thinks he will be better off with you.

pjbs55

I was very lucky I had an angel for a MIL, but I have a Mother from HE**. I might not answer her email and let it go. If you don't like her and feel she doesn't like you nothing you say will make a difference to her. If she is trying to control you don't let her, only you can control yourself, but you can let others have control over you.
Work on what is best for you and in time you will know what is best to do with your AH. Turn this over to your HP, he will guide you to do what is best.

teke

hey concern, just want to send you hugs and to let you know that i'm still praying for you and yours.