HKAngel24

That's it.
I've had it.
Anyone judge me and become frustrated with me as you may, but I need to completely accept where I am at now if I have any hopes of recovering.

I am at the bottom of my rope and its slowly slipping from my hands.
The codependent crazies have taken over my life again and I am beyond frustrated.
The addict is getting well. Doing things for HIM to get well.
And I am STILL focusing on him and trying to get my needs met by someone who is recovering because I cannot give them to myself.

I have cried and cried the past few days.
The addict tells me how much he loves me and wants a future with me.
I cannot believe it.
I behave insecurely and obsessively. The addict tries to reassure me. I, again, behave insecurely and obsessively. I push him farther away because as much as I yearn for his time and attention- when he gives it to me (which is difficult when I'm in PA and he's in FL) - I am literally in insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expected different results. The cycle continues. I continue not to be able to believe or trust any of his feelings and behave obsessively out of fear- the addict becoems frustrated- I feel that I am too much, too needy and feel rejected- thus the cycle continues- spiraling downward.
I love him very much but I just CANNOT believe he loves me.
This is a defect within myself.
At the moment I am just so overwhelmed and unsure of how to take one step forward. I have nothing left inside of me.

I cannot cope with my life like this. There is nothing I can do but accept powerlessness. My craziness feels like it is reaching its peak.
Sadly, I cannot even justify my detachment by saying, "oh he's an addict."
He may always be an addict, but he is not a practicing one and is working his OWN program. I am still all caught up in his stuff trying to get my needs me through him. I am a sick, sick puppy.
Yes, I am having a pity party.
I do not know that I've ever felt this low- this hopeless.

havehope

Heather
Sending hugs your way. (((Heather))). Sometimes I think we as codies have to reach our bottom before we are ready to make a positive change for ourself. You deserve to be happy; with or without the addict in your life. You are taking a first step by recognizing what you need to do. You can get over this. Just hang on to that rope that is still in your hand. It hasn't slipped away yet.
Praying for peace in your heart.
Terri

dollydo

Heather,

The truth is, until he loves himself first, stays clean for life, he is not capable of truly loving anyone else. The same applies to you, until you love yourself first, and take care of yourself, you are not capable of truly loving him.

What you are expressing is obsession not love.

Your agenda has been addressed many times, there will be no true healing process until you have no contact with him and work a program for you. There are meetings available, there are therapists who are trained to deal with your issues. It's all available to you, it is up to you to persue these avenues.

I can match you word for word, and, that's all they are: Words, a hollow substitute
for action.

You and only you hold the key to your future, it is in the palm of your hand, open your hand, put the key in the lock, open the locked door and walk through the door, begin putting your words into action.

MeggieStar

((Heather))


Every step through darkness is a step TOWARD light.

Where you are now, maybe it's your bottom, maybe the next step will happen and it will be a step up.

Your feelings are so normal and natural and you are doing better than you think, because you are recognizing what's going on. You're not in denial, you're just in a rut today.

Sending you love and hugs and strength for tomorrow....

raerae6

Heather , I think the words above are so true. I think that keeping in contact with him is holding you back. I know that for me it is so much easier to detach once I broke off contact with my abf.

My new motto is that "the only time for a woman to have a man in her life is when she doesn't need one".

just my 2 cents.

hope213

(((((( heather)))))

Ann

My recovery began at a moment like this. I was exhausted, sick, tired and knew I could not live like that one more day. I didn't. I surrendered. I just hit my knees and gave it all to God and then hit the first meeting I could find. I've never looked back.

The old saying "it is always darkest before the dawn" rings true for us too. I could not let go until I was totally exhausted and unable to hold on any more.

You'll be okay. Start focusing on you. Go to a meeting, go out for dinner with a friend, take long walks, bury yourself in a book, grab some kids and take them on a picnic, visit a senior and take some fresh flowers...anything that will get you out of yourself. I promise you will feel better when you do.

Hugs

raerae6

Here is something I read that really hit me between the eyes-maybe it will help you too.

this is from the book, "A Peice of Cake" by Cupcake Brown (She was a junkie who went on to become a lawyer...in this excerpt she is talking to her sponsor)

"She explained that people with addictive behaviors, especially women, have a tendency to put a man before their own well-being, so much so that they stop taking care of themselves. If they exercised regularily, they'd stop once a man came along.
If they had friends, they forgot about them once a man appeared.
If a woman was self-sufficient and self-assured, she'd get a man and suddenly become insecure and needy.
I still didn't understand what she was talkin' about.

I was still pondering her comments, when she hit me with the bomb.

She said that the only time a woman is ready for a man in her life is when she didn't need one."

"'You were fine before him,' she continued. 'Remember that you will be fine after him! You can do without a man, Cup. It's recovery you can't do without.'"

Lobo

((((((((Angel))))))))))
Ann is right, hon. I too feel like I am at my bottom. I don't want to live my life the way I am living it right now. I feel like all I do is exist. I have so much more to offer than that and so do you. I went out for a short while this evening and I honestly did feel better when I came back. I had to push myself because I have been holding myself captive in this house for days. For different reasons than yours I am going to try not to let him steal one more precious moment from me. He has already taken more than enough. The time I am spending on him is useless. I will not allow it to take away from my 3 children and my grandbaby.
Please, Angel......live for yourself and if it is meant to be it will all fall into place.
Stay well, sweetie. You mean a lot to us here.

Hugs and prayers for you to see beyond this................Lois

kj0975

Great advice before me. In order to move on towards YOUR OWN happiness you have to take the focus off your obsession you have to put it back onto you. I agree with Dolly maybe seeing someone who u can talk to and who is a professional isnt a bad idea. Your a beautiful girl inside and out but I dont think u see what we see. You deserve great things and happiness in life just like the rest of us. DONT sell yourself short. I agree NO contact is the only way your going to be able to let go of this relationship. Obsessing over him isnt doing you or him or your relationship any good. Its not gonna work this way.

ladyamalthea

Heather, I wish I had more to add here, but everyone has beat me to everything I would have said... just know I'm thinking about you both.

*hugs and prayers*

laurie6781

I have to agree with Dolly! Now is the time to work on you, your self esteem, your self worth. Obsessing over 'him' keeps you from working on you.

You are a good person with a good heart and lots of compassion. It is okay to use that compassion on yourself. Recovery is HARD WORK, but oh so worth it!!!!

Have you checked out Naranon, or Alanon (usually more readily available with more meetings) or looked into some private therapy? Any or all can be a GREAT HELP in working on you.

Keep posting (((((Heather))))), we do care.

Love and hugs,

HKAngel24

Thank you all so much for your kind replies.

I am feeling a bit better this morning. I have a few books I use and do the exercises in that help extract me from the mental monsoon I find myself sucked into.

I am just so frazzled. This may sound incredibly strange, but yesterday I took a picture of myself while I had been crying with my camera phone. It really served as a powerful too in taking an observers position on my pain. I saw how incredibly hurt and deeply wounded I looked and I was actually able to give myself some comfort, saying that it would be okay.

I will not say I am going to- but I will say I will try....

to practice surrender
to Let go and Let God
to forfeit control and remember what IS my business to control, worry about and change,
to become more aware of my needs instead of automatically assuming that his words of love/reassurance is the right antidote for the emptiness in my heart,
to take responsibility for all that belongs to me,
and Act As If,

A long list of things I am going to try- but I will not beat myself up over them because progress, not perfection is what counts.

I will pray everyday for God to help keep me in a positive path, moving forward and will ask for the courage to combat my mental monkeys and irrational cognitions. I will also try to silence my mind when I hear it spiraling off into "what ifs" -- it is my ego - the wounded and insecure part of me that warns me against risk-taking and being myself.
I will remind myself EVERYDAY that getting to know and love myself is by far the ONLY way I can ever enjoy the benefits of a relationship. Until that happens I will only be constantly reaching out for someone to fill that which can never be permanently healed from outside of me.

I will also work hard at reminding myself of the underlying reasons WHY I feel my need to control and be validated- I will use this to remember that feelings are NOT facts and that there ARE psychological underpinnings as to why I behave the way I do. This is not something I should use to make myself feel even more worthless- but merely a morsel of awareness that can be used to pull me back to reality.

Lastly, I must remind myself of what I am going through at the moment. That no one else needs to be traveling my same path and to the same extent I do not need to pretend that I am further along in my process than someone else is- those that truly love and respect me will honor the place I am at in my struggles and accept it. I also must be aware that giving into the pleasurable feeling of acceptance via another's love is an illusion- it will only temporarily fill up the craters of lonliness and emptiness inside of me. Instead, I must strive to be aware of when I am doing this and remind myself of the truth.

In closing, I thank you all again- I am so thankful I have somewhere to come and vent - when I feel like my entire world is crashing around me and that I am so hopeless to do anything.
I realize I can do something- I can be on my OWN team and not feel as though half of me is against the other half. I do have choices.
One of the hardest things at the moment is this idea of surrender- of handing to God what is absolutely destroying me. Reminding myself that it is NOT my business to control another person. If I am trying to control them to get my needs met than I am in serious trouble and need to make changes.

In accepting that I cannot control another I free myself to live my own life.

marle

Heather, Just from your writing I can tell that you have incredible self awareness and that you dig deep inside yourself to express what you are feeling. Now use that sensitivity that you have to take care of you. Your are trying and that is enough for right now. You will be okay. Life is a journey and I have found that the more recovery I have, the more I look forward to what life will bring me. Hugs, Marle

calabash

Just remember, the physical universe applauds action not thought.

Take care

parentrecovers

keep reminding yourself - you have choices..

blessings, k

carl11

hear hear........

nmt51605

Heather Ihave Been In The Same Place You Are Keep Your Head Up And Try Stay Strong, Try To Do Things That Will Distract You From What Your Feeling And Remember everything Happens For A Reason Eventhough You Might Not See It Now You Will Down The Road
Sending Prayers To You
Xoxo

Hangin' In

Heather,

Do you go to face to face meetings? Do you have a sponsor? I'm not beating you up, honey. Just asking because I know how much it has helped me to have a face to face person to vent to, to bounce things off of, to cry to, to run my crazy thoughts (or sane thoughts every now and then) by.

You can have TWICE the support if you open yourself up to face to face help, thus I ask. I'm not judging, believe you me. I could have birthed you... ...and one of my daughter's is about your age. I hear her in you, the lack of self esteem, and my heart breaks.

Heather, I see you and my daughter like the little ducks who were drinking water out of the little puddle on the sidewalk. There were many ducks and little water in that puddle. But just over the hill was a beautiful pond full of water. But they didn't make the effort to go over the hill and never knew about the pond. It was only a few steps away...what they needed.

I pray you'll take the steps.

Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In

hbb

I know for me and my xabf, i had to say:

"If you love him, let him go and find love in YOURSELF"......

No contact is the only way you will allow yourself to heal and get better....it works if you work it Hang in there.