MTBChick

Have days where you are just filled with so much anger, rage, and hatred that you just want to destroy things or wish horrible things towards the person of whom envokes so much anger and hatred in you? I'm just consumed by it and I want someone to pay to feel the same pain that I have felt from their behaviors and actions. I want GOD to get this "person" out of my life. I've had enough I want my life back I don't want this person living in the same state as me, I don't want to run across this person on the internet, GOD please do something. I have had enough enough enough engough.

sb0804

I used to but not anymore. I have finally detached and everything feels like it is just rolling off my back.

I have to admit though that I wish that even for just a short time that they could switch with us and feel the way we feel or used to feel emotionally.

an'ka

Oh yeah! I used to get so enraged--I wanted to scream in my AH's face, to punch the walls... I told him several times that I wished he went away and I never ever saw him again. Now, if you knew me, you'd understand why this kind of a reaction was extreme for me, becasue I am a very mellow, peaceful person. I rarely raise my voice or speak unkindly. So, I knew I was in a very unhealthy place.

hbb

Yes MTB, I do too wish my exabf would move to another COUNTRY.....but no, he lives a couple of miles away and works in my home town....it's great but you know what, they WILL feel what we feel. May not be today, tomorrow or next week but believe that what goes around comes around Karma!! It's real!!

MTBChick

The thing is I don't have any physical contact with this person anymore. Yet they are still there!! Hard to explain but I"m pissed at GOD for ever brining this person into my life. I did get a friend out of everything that ended up happening...ha and I know that has to bug him.

hbb

I know, as i don't physically have contact with my ex either but knowing he's "around" really stinks but i've run into his friends and stuff and keep on smiling, it's all you can do, trust me. For yourself and your own well being, try to think of other stuff, i know it's hard but it does work if you focus hang in there!

MTBChick

I'm not so sure that it will come around to bite him in the rear end. If there is truly a GOD and a person changes then I don't think that GOD is going to turn around and get them.

MTBChick

I'm also not sure why I am all of a sudden feeling all this anger. I don't like it.

keepingmyjoy

MTB, I understand your rage and upset. I am by nature a forgiving and easygoing person. It was a real surprise to feel some of the things I have felt over the past years. I am ashamed to say that at my worst and lowest ebb, I actually wished he would just die! How sad that I let myself get to that point. I think that is when I realized that I was getting just as sick in my thinking as he was, only for different reasons. But, as I am finding out, we have to find ways to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, if we cannot get rid of the rage alone, we have to find someone to talk to that will help us to disperse that rage and learn new ways to let it go. If we cannot let it go, then they still have a hold on us, right?

Wascally Wabbit

Yes. It's a stage we go through. After the denial stage.
It's something I have to deal with too. I have had some things done by my ex that could affect me literally, for the rest of my life. I want to hate him. I just don't let myself. I would be CRAZY mad and breaking my belongings won't cause him to suffer one little bit! I would be the one suffering the most.

Try to let go. I know it's hard, but it's esential if we want to grow, get well, and recover from all they have done to us.

denny57

Sure, but I head to a meeting or pick up the phone and chat with someone who understands. I talk it out with my therapist or doctor. Then I usually journal it out - most, if not all, of my anger is fear based. So I try to figure out what I'm fearing. It's a process.

It's funny - if I wait for the other person's consequences to hit them, I spend a lot of time frustrated because it's not happening fast enough for me. It keeps the focus on them. If I lead a happy life, I don't dwell on whether those consequences are happening or not. It just works that way for me.

Mskattie

I feel the similar way. At certain times I feel okay but other times I get so consumed with anger... The only way I can make myself feel a little better is to try to believe in what goes around comes around, as hbb said. I really hope someday he will know how selfish he has been and feel sorry for what he has done to me.

respektingme

Yeah, I hate it when it happens too. Recently my AH reported that his mother had been to the doctor and he reported that she has been having mini-strokes over the past year. I can't even write what the first thought was that went through my head. Made me mad at myself that I literally wanted to jump for joy when I heard the news. Oh well, we're human. It's the journey, not the destination, right? So, we try to get better every day, even if just a little.

My MIL was just here. My AH is miffed that I didn't speak to her. I'm proud of myself because I didn't choke her. So, gotta find a balance somewhere.

I recommend doing something positive to balance out your feelings. How about a manicure? Or a long bath? I took a long bath today (in vinegar for my poison ivy, lol). Felt good.

MTBChick

I'm fairly certain my anger is not fear based at least for me its not. I do talk with my therapist, and I do go to meetings. Honestly, anger is one thing that I haven't really let myself feel. It has been built up for so long. A big part of me is Angry at myself for having moved to Minnesota and for having gone against the core of who I am and up rooting myself from a life in Baltimore where I was happy all for a guy. I'm angry with myself for how I made myself look like a complete fool. I'm angry at myself for wasting my valuable and treasured time on a person who thought of me and still thinks of me as a disposable chess piece. I'm angry that I feel for his mind games and manipulation. I'm angry at myself for thinking that if he got sober and into recovery that he would finally have changed and would for once in the years I have known him would say "MTB, I'm sorry for the things I did, for letting you down as a friend, for causing you the pain that I have. Your friendship was important to me and I'm sorry that I dystroyed that friendship and your trust in me as a human being. I am trying to right my wrongs and am working and learning each day how to be a good friend to others" How stupid of me to have ever had that hope. I'm angry at myself for having even wanted to be friends with him again. And I'm hurt b/c me the one who was never an alcoholic, who goes to Al-Anon was rejected by the sober in recovery exabf as not being good enough of a person to even be friends with....while, the woman he wishes would contact him and renew their friendship has become very good friends with me and thinks I'm an amazing person and friend. Ironic huh? I'm just so darn angry with myself for thinking that he would ever not be selfish and actually think about my feelings.

respektingme

MTBchick,

I hope I don't get into too deep of doodoo by saying this, but I don't think alcoholics make the best of friends. I mean, I screwed up by marrying one. So we had the sex thing, the love thing, the adoration thing, etc. going on. However, a "friend" is entirely different than a bf or a spouse. A friend is someone you can count on, someone who puts you first, someone who listens and will always be there for you. In no way is my AH a "friend" to me. And if we ever split, I will never expect a friendship from him.

He thinks too much about himself. Likewise, I have a friend from high school who is a recovering addict. It's like talking to a brick wall. If we're not talking about him, he's not listening. I don't expect much at all out of him as a friend.

So if you're struggling because you are no longer in a relationship with him and feel cheated because you sacrificed for him and now he doesn't want a relationship anymore, that seems very valid. But I wouldn't think you should be mad because he can't be a "friend". That's having rather high expectations, don't ya think?

My AH doesn't have any "friends". He's never put much thought into what his friends might want from him. They communicate with each other pretty infrequently and are old pals from college. Maybe it's also because he's a guy?

I also know someone who is female and a a recovering addict. She is the center of attention at all times. Who needs it? Find someone for a friend who gives you back what you put into the friendship.

MTBChick

OK so maybe the fear is that I'm never going to have the close deep friendships ever again like I did when I lived in Baltimore. I have alot of doubt in myself in whether I'm truly a good friend to others and even if I'd make a good friend. I used to believe that I was a good friend and gave inspiration to others but now I'm afraid of rejection. It was emensely hard when my friend "the other woman" last year shared with me the letter my exabf wrote to her to read how she served to him as the true example of what friendship is, and that he is in awe of the friendships she has, and that he hurts most because of deystroying there friendship and for if he had dystroyed her trusting nature in people. Those were all things he had used to say to me, that I had mattered as a friend....but suddenly, when I back then came in the way of his drinking I no longer in his eyes a friend. If I can be easily discarded by him as a friend I fear trusting anyone that they are not just going to do the exact same thing.

MTBChick

And what stinks now is I'm pretty sure he's reading what I'm posting on here. So much for a safe place to vent and heal.

denny57

They were a lot of my fears, too. Sometimes, they still are. I allowed another's opinion to matter too much to me. I think I've figured out that I really didn't believe those things about myself from the start when it came to a romantic relationship. I look at the other close friendships I've had and continue to have and know it is true: I am a good friend. I am still working on why I have/had different criteria for a romantic partner. I HATE working through this, I really do. But I see the payoffs, even if they are small, and I trudge on.

((()))

p.s. re him reading here: I worried about that and someone here said, so what, maybe he'll learn something.

MTBChick

It's weird in most of my friendships I don't allow another's opinion of me matter all that much. In fact I generally don't tolerate crap from anyone. But I don't want to become one of those people that disregards everyones opinions and is like oh well if they don't like it tuff. I'm a giver thats who I am thus why I'm a teacher and not sitting behind a desk doing a desk job. Anyway...

Another big fear of mine is ending up in another relationship just like this one or with someone who ends up treating me in just the same manner as my exabf did. It baffles me why I was with him and why I stayed with him for so long. I look back on other past relationships where I was quickly able to see the red flags and remain true to myself. Example, in college I dated a guy for a short period who I can today say was an alcoholic, back then I didn't label it as such, I would have said he drinks way to much and I find it extremely disgusting...which, I did find it extremely disgusting and it turned me off. I had no patience for dealing with him when he was drunk and thus had no problem telling him to take a hike. Following college I dated other guys but I still could remain true to me. I didn't tolerate being taken for granted and everything else so it was easy for me to say Sorry but I'm not wasting my time on someone who and you can fill in the blanks. However, when it came to my exabf there were so many times even early on in the relationship where the "normal" me would have been like see ya later I'm not digging how your treating me...but I didn't and I don't understand why. Why could I stand firm with all these other people but not him? I don't want to become dumb again and let another guy drag me through the exact same emotional H hockey sticks.

gns

MTB, I completely understand your anger and rage.

For me I also realize the anger I have for ex is also the anger I had in my childhood at not being seen/heard/acknowledged. Is this anger an old feeling for you and if so where does it stem from?

I wouldn't put ANY stock into what you ex says to "butter up" the other woman. Is your ex capable of really seeing anyone outside of him? Does he really even see you and know you? Mine certainly didn't and I bet a lot of people here would say the same.