Advice Needed...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Summerville, SC
Posts: 2
Advice Needed...
I am here because my boyfriend of 6 months has just realized he has a drinking problem. I have given him so many chances and he keeps blowing it. This last time for me was the last straw but I do love him. I have kept in contact with him on the phone but he wants everything to go back to normal but I don't know if I should get out now before I get any deeper involved or should I give him another chance. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
Hi and welcome to Sober Recovery.We have a really terrific Al Anon forum here and you will find a lot of support there.There are lots of people who have been in the same kinds of situations.They can help you keep the focus on taking care of yourself.Good luck and keep posting 
phoenix
phoenix
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Summerville, SC
Posts: 2
Advice Needed...
I am here because my boyfriend of 6 months has just realized he has a drinking problem, which I have been trying to convince him of for months. After he disappeared on me for 2 days, he promised he would never drink again. I thought he was doing real well never seen him even act like he wanted a drink. Well was I fooled he had been drinking the whole time just not around me. Well I didn’t find this out until this last episode. While I thought he was at work he was up at the bar drinking. Not only did he get so drunk he forgot all about coming to see me, like was planned. He took his roommates car for a joy ride without permission, and didn’t return home until 4am. The roommate went to the extent of calling the cops. I was worried to the point of making myself sick. I have given him so many chances and he keeps blowing it. This last time for me was the last straw but I do love him. I have kept in contact with him on the phone but he wants everything to go back to normal but I don't know if I should get out now before I get any deeper involved or should I give him another chance. He tells me that I am being unsupportive but I just don’t know if I can handle another disappointment. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and married an alcoholic, I didn’t have much control over getting away from it back then. But I am only dating this one so should I get out now? Should I just keep my distance until he gets a little better grip on things? Or should I just let it slide and give him yet another chance? Please help!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Purple,
Welcome to the recovery forums. You definitely made a wise move to seek help before you make any decisions. Phoenix gave you good advice to go to the alanon/naranon forums. There are a lot of people in all aspects of your situation. There are those who chose to get out those who chose to stay in and those who are inbetween. The people are very supportive and smart.
We're glad you're here.
Welcome to the recovery forums. You definitely made a wise move to seek help before you make any decisions. Phoenix gave you good advice to go to the alanon/naranon forums. There are a lot of people in all aspects of your situation. There are those who chose to get out those who chose to stay in and those who are inbetween. The people are very supportive and smart.
We're glad you're here.
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi purpletruck and welcome to the forums I smile since purple is my favorite color....lol
If I knew then what I knew know, I would run and run far, far away but I didn't and I am here. You do have the chance to move on but its only a decision that you can make. You love him and that is a very strong emotion and it can outweigh the lies, betrayal and disappointments we endure. We see the good too and know what its like to be with them sober.
The only thing I can say is that you need to do what is right for you. Take care of you and make your decisions based on that.
Please read the powerposts at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon forums and read some of the other members stories. We are all so much alike. I am sure others will be along throughout this long weekend with words of wisdom for you. You find alot of support and love from everyone!
So make yourself at home and again welcome.
Many hugs,
Debbie
I smile since purple is my favorite color....lolIf I knew then what I knew know, I would run and run far, far away but I didn't and I am here. You do have the chance to move on but its only a decision that you can make. You love him and that is a very strong emotion and it can outweigh the lies, betrayal and disappointments we endure. We see the good too and know what its like to be with them sober.
The only thing I can say is that you need to do what is right for you. Take care of you and make your decisions based on that.
Please read the powerposts at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon forums and read some of the other members stories. We are all so much alike. I am sure others will be along throughout this long weekend with words of wisdom for you. You find alot of support and love from everyone!
So make yourself at home and again welcome.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi and welcome,
Sorry, but I am with Deb above me. Had you not had an alcoholic father and an alcoholic first husband you would probably not even be here...at least this soon in your relationship.
You can run from this relationship too, but you take you with you. My suggestion is alot of reading and perhaps Alanon meetings. Unless you get to know you better you may find yourself in the same situation one more time.
Hugs,
JT
Sorry, but I am with Deb above me. Had you not had an alcoholic father and an alcoholic first husband you would probably not even be here...at least this soon in your relationship.
You can run from this relationship too, but you take you with you. My suggestion is alot of reading and perhaps Alanon meetings. Unless you get to know you better you may find yourself in the same situation one more time.
Hugs,
JT
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi purpletruck, and welcome.
I like the screen name, I have a truck, and it is in fact purple, a very dark purple.
Anyway, whether or not you leave or stay can only be decided by you. I know its not an easy decision, but there are a lot of folks around who have been or are, where you are.
Alot of people tried to get me to see or admit I was an alcoholic, but I would always just disregard them. As a active alcoholic I wasn't willing to let anybody get in the way of my drinking. I wasn't the last one to know I was an alcoholic, but I was the last one to admit it. I was always one to claim somebody was being "un-supportive" when they would'nt do what I wanted, or when they called me on my B.S.
The best you can do, is what ever you feel is best for you. You can learn about that, and get some real good support in our "Family and Friends" section down the menu a bit.
I see you've posted there, if you have some time, read thru the posts, and in particular, the postd that are "sticky" at the top of the forums, I think they are called power posts.
You'll find many similar experiences, and find that you don't have to be alone either. Feel free to jump in anywhere you feel comfortable.
Doug
I like the screen name, I have a truck, and it is in fact purple, a very dark purple.
Anyway, whether or not you leave or stay can only be decided by you. I know its not an easy decision, but there are a lot of folks around who have been or are, where you are.
Alot of people tried to get me to see or admit I was an alcoholic, but I would always just disregard them. As a active alcoholic I wasn't willing to let anybody get in the way of my drinking. I wasn't the last one to know I was an alcoholic, but I was the last one to admit it. I was always one to claim somebody was being "un-supportive" when they would'nt do what I wanted, or when they called me on my B.S.
The best you can do, is what ever you feel is best for you. You can learn about that, and get some real good support in our "Family and Friends" section down the menu a bit.
I see you've posted there, if you have some time, read thru the posts, and in particular, the postd that are "sticky" at the top of the forums, I think they are called power posts.
You'll find many similar experiences, and find that you don't have to be alone either. Feel free to jump in anywhere you feel comfortable.
Doug
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
PurpleTruck:
I spent A LOT of time thinking and thinking about marrying my husband. I loved him, he loved me, he wanted to make me his WIFE! But...... there was this tendency to drink way too often and way too much.
Two months before the wedding, he ended up at the emergency room because he had gotten in an arguement at a bar and had his head broken open. Who did he call to pick him up? Me. Did I go? Yep. The next morning he was sober, remorsefull, and I was sure that he had learned his lesson.
15 years later, I now know that if a relationship is healthy, you don't wonder about it. You just enjoy it. If you find yourself wondering about it, thinking about it, analyzing it, then there's probably something wrong somewhere.
Hugs,
EyesOpen
I spent A LOT of time thinking and thinking about marrying my husband. I loved him, he loved me, he wanted to make me his WIFE! But...... there was this tendency to drink way too often and way too much.
Two months before the wedding, he ended up at the emergency room because he had gotten in an arguement at a bar and had his head broken open. Who did he call to pick him up? Me. Did I go? Yep. The next morning he was sober, remorsefull, and I was sure that he had learned his lesson.
15 years later, I now know that if a relationship is healthy, you don't wonder about it. You just enjoy it. If you find yourself wondering about it, thinking about it, analyzing it, then there's probably something wrong somewhere.
Hugs,
EyesOpen
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Haverhill, MA
Posts: 25
As I tell my son when he has problems with a new girlfriend, "New love should be fun and pretty much problem free. If you are having problems when the relationship is new what do you expect further down the line?"
You say that you married an alcoholic...it didn't last. The decision is yours to make, but ultimately you can not change him. He can not change for you but only if he has a desire to quit drinking for himself.
I wish you the best. May you find love and happiness!
You say that you married an alcoholic...it didn't last. The decision is yours to make, but ultimately you can not change him. He can not change for you but only if he has a desire to quit drinking for himself.
I wish you the best. May you find love and happiness!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
I say run far and fast and take some time to be alone and explore yourself.
He's manipulating you when he says you are being unsupportive as Doug pointed out. Why should you support somebody who doesn't want to help themselves?
Ngaire
He's manipulating you when he says you are being unsupportive as Doug pointed out. Why should you support somebody who doesn't want to help themselves?
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
I agree with the idea of running.
Do what you have to do to find yourself and take care of yourself.
There are so many things I would like to say but don't know how to say them.
New relationships should be fun and exciting.
NoDoubt
Do what you have to do to find yourself and take care of yourself.
There are so many things I would like to say but don't know how to say them.
New relationships should be fun and exciting.
NoDoubt
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 10
Purple Truck...
Yeah - my boyfriend of 2 years did the same thing. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until I had already fallen in love with him. If I had known, I would have run -- because my husband died from this diesease.
I don't know that your focus is on the most productive thing -- whether or not you love him enough to stay with him. Of COURSE you love him enough to stay with him...I'm guessing that your pattern includes loving people way too much! (to quote the title of a book.)
What happens when you look at how much he loves you? That is the question I'd like to see you asking yourself. Remember that love is a verb. It's built by what people DO. Not by just what people SAY.
Would you believe someone actually loved you if he said he did, but then he left for a year and didn't call you? He may have felt those feelings -- but he didn't act on them -- so WHO CARES?
Look at what your guy does to love you "in action". That is what separates your fantasy of him loving you into the reality of what it is like to be loved by him.
After being around folks in active alcoholism, my guess is that he can't even see you -- let alone love you. He's too busy seeking the drug....and if you don't help him seek it...then you are "unsupportive." Unsupportive of WHAT? Of helping him do whatever it takes to get more!
Check out the AA board. You won't find many people saying aword about anything else in their lives except the drug.
Yeah - my boyfriend of 2 years did the same thing. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until I had already fallen in love with him. If I had known, I would have run -- because my husband died from this diesease.
I don't know that your focus is on the most productive thing -- whether or not you love him enough to stay with him. Of COURSE you love him enough to stay with him...I'm guessing that your pattern includes loving people way too much! (to quote the title of a book.)
What happens when you look at how much he loves you? That is the question I'd like to see you asking yourself. Remember that love is a verb. It's built by what people DO. Not by just what people SAY.
Would you believe someone actually loved you if he said he did, but then he left for a year and didn't call you? He may have felt those feelings -- but he didn't act on them -- so WHO CARES?
Look at what your guy does to love you "in action". That is what separates your fantasy of him loving you into the reality of what it is like to be loved by him.
After being around folks in active alcoholism, my guess is that he can't even see you -- let alone love you. He's too busy seeking the drug....and if you don't help him seek it...then you are "unsupportive." Unsupportive of WHAT? Of helping him do whatever it takes to get more!
Check out the AA board. You won't find many people saying aword about anything else in their lives except the drug.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
don't decide now
I am glad you are stopping to think and checking out what you can do to help yourself. I would advise that you not marry anyone - or make a strong commitment - until you are much further along in your knowledge and self-knowledge. Then, if you choose to do it, you do it with both eyes open.
There is no hurry, don't decide now. Take some time, get some knowledge and some skills, know what the choice is.
You can tell him how much you care, even how you hope it will be but tell him that you need this for yourself. It is that important. See if he is "supportive" of you.
There is no hurry, don't decide now. Take some time, get some knowledge and some skills, know what the choice is.
You can tell him how much you care, even how you hope it will be but tell him that you need this for yourself. It is that important. See if he is "supportive" of you.
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