wish he'd quit

Last weekend my ah passed out on the floor while my kids were still awake. I took a picture of him with my daughter beside him trying to show him books and climbing on him. I want to show it to him so that he can see what he is doing and what the kids are seeing. But at the same time I know he is going to be upset that I did and probably lay on the whole guilt thing and tell me that if I'm not happy to leave.

But I have a feeling that the @#%$ is going to hit the fan sooner than later. We had a conversation this morning about finances. I have not activated my ATM card and only wrote him a check for enough for gas. When he asked me if we were out of money I just told him that I have bills to pay. So when he asked why we were so strapped all the time I explained that there are alot of health care bills. But I also threw in there that he is spending about $15 a day between beer and chew. SO he thinks its just another way to try and "take his beer away." SO he is pretty upset with me. But at this point I am beyond giving a darn if he has his beer or not.

cagefree

(((Wish))) - you ask "should I?"

Do you mean should you show him the picture? Or are you asking yourself, should you continue living like this?

Who was the picture really for? You can't make him change - but you can change. Maybe you're trying to convince yourself...?

(((Wish))) It would rip out my heart to see my kids trying to play with their passed-out dad

respektingme

Last night in Al-Anon, I listened to a woman share who is the daughter of an active alcoholic. He doesn't go to AA and the mother doesn't go to Al-Anon. Her story was heartbreaking. All I can think about (if my AH continues to drink) is that fearing about my present can destroy future for my 2 kids.. That's 2 lives for the price of mine. I can't rationalize staying.

I have thought long and hard, and knowing this is a progressive disease, that means my kids might be teens and watching my AH drunk every night. I can't do that to them.

The future, should my AH continue to drink, looks much better for me and them to have some distance from him, and for them to go to Al-Ateen and other counseling as necessary, while I go to Al-Anon and fix myself.

Where do you want to be 10 years from now? Where do you want your kids to be 10 years from now? Stepping over their passed out dad on the floor? Afraid to invite friends over because he's passed out on the floor?

Edited to add: What you should probably do is be putting some money away to that you'll be somewhat prepared when that day comes, as you said you realize is coming. I've known this time was coming. Was the motivating reason for me to go back to college and finish my degree.

Rella927

(((Wish ))))) So sorry that you are going through this and your children too!!

The story of your daughter trying to show you AH a book brought me back to my childhood, which I'm ok to go back on now because I worked through alot (still more to do!) but I'm comfortable doing so .....my father was a Doctor (surgeon) and God knows that he did not drink while on call-well growing up in my home for the most part between my mothers occasionally drinking and then my 2 brothers (in and out of rehabs) was not a pleasure-

After my husband (love of my life) passed away in an awful explosion-I decided that I needed to help me! Get rid of the anger towards my childhood-(First time I went and go help, mind you did not stick to it! It hurt to much!) My sister-in law reminded me of something as I told her that I remember Dad locking my mommy in the closet because she was misbehaving-she said-I remember the day that you came home from riding your horses and you we so excited to show us all something and you walked to the family (where they were having "cocktails") and you stopped DEAD IN YOUR TRACKS and your little feet stayed behind the line of the carpet-She said it brought tears to her eyes, as I began to cry-I realize then it was the way that I had learned by age 9 to PROTECT myself from the chaos and drama as not to get locked in the closet. As long as I was a good girl I did not get locked in the closet!

Well hearing you take a picture of your daughter brings tears to my eyes-and as cage stated was that picture for you? Why would you want to remind yourself or try to convince him of what he is doing? He knows what he is doing they are his choices-it is your choice to protect those kids and yourself! Stop putting so much focus on him-it is not worth the energy-he will stop when and if he is willing to stop!

In the meantime take care of those precious lives of yours and your children. It breaks my heart-to hear this but I also know that we all get what we need to do in our own time-I'am in recovery for the LAST TIME and finally sticking with it.....I hope you decide what is right for YOU and THOSE BEAUTIFUL KIDS!

((((Wish :Val004))))

hopeangel

i can't add more to rella's comment as it is so well stated from first hand experience.

i have learned is do what helps me come to terms with the situation i am in . if this picture is what you need to face the reality of the situation, see it for what it really is, and not be in denial about it then it is a good thing - as is writing in a journal so that you can look back later and events like this don't get forgotten or swept under the rug. it is soo easy for us to minimize events like this.
before we know it we are conditioned to it and awful things like this become the "norm" and we keep accepting more and more of this behavior without even knowing it.

if it makes you feel better and come to terms with the situation i would show him the picture (NOT if you feel it would cause violence though!). i would not confront him about it though. i would probably just put it where he could see it without saying a word about it. that is only my opinion. you have to decide what is best for you.

your only obligation right now is to protect your children and provide the very best life you possibly can for them. many here will tell you from first hand experience the damage living with an alcoholic can do to a child.

Rella927

DITTO

LaTeeDa

I tried this, too. And probably hundreds of other attempts to manipulate him into quitting. None of them worked. And some probably made the situation even worse. (i.e. made him loathe himself and what he was doing even more) Trying to get him to "see the light" will not save your marriage or make your children's lives better. Unfortunately, in situations like these, the one sober parent has to stop the insanity. A good counselor with an understanding of alcoholism and families was the first step I took in the right direction. My children have been affected by alcohol all their lives (they are 14 and 10), but at least now they are getting professional help to cope with it. I tried for almost 20 years to "get him to do the right thing." Finally, I did the right thing.

Best wishes,

L

GlassPrisoner

From the Doctors Opinion in The Big Book:
Until your husband wants to quit, there is nothing you can do. Follow the advice given here by these people. Work on yourself.