Dry Rages
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
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Dry Rages
AH has been sober and detoxing at home for a week. I have been taking care of him by getting his O'Douls, Cigs, food, etc. Things had been going pretty good until recently. He's getting along a little better after his broken foot and is now driving again to get own stuff. I still can't get him to show up for work at our business. It's been over a month since he did anything productive here. But the worse part is that he's raging again. He needs to go to AA or find some other way of dealing with his anger, but it's always directed at me. It's all my fault, still. "You're a selfish B*tch. You leave me sitting here all alone while you work or see friends. You must be drunk. You don't care about my injuries. You don't care about my Dad's MS. You don't care about my Mom needing hip surgery."
After last night's rage, he slept in the garage. I don't know how to deal with this. I know these are his issues, but I get this sick feeling again. He gets to vent, and I stuff my own anger. I feel I have the right to be angry. He expects me to do all the work for the business. He's the selfish one....It's all about poor him. He's the one who wrecked his own life, and started on mine. He's the one who fell down drunk and broke his foot. He's the one who's put me through h*ll for 3 weeks while he binged. He's the one not taking any responsibility, financially or emotionally. It's his family that coddled him while he took up drinking again instead of standing with me to let him hit bottom. Who cares about my families' health issues? Who care about me? I know, I have to care about me. Am I wasting my time trying to be there while he tries to stay sober? Am I doomed to his rages?
After last night's rage, he slept in the garage. I don't know how to deal with this. I know these are his issues, but I get this sick feeling again. He gets to vent, and I stuff my own anger. I feel I have the right to be angry. He expects me to do all the work for the business. He's the selfish one....It's all about poor him. He's the one who wrecked his own life, and started on mine. He's the one who fell down drunk and broke his foot. He's the one who's put me through h*ll for 3 weeks while he binged. He's the one not taking any responsibility, financially or emotionally. It's his family that coddled him while he took up drinking again instead of standing with me to let him hit bottom. Who cares about my families' health issues? Who care about me? I know, I have to care about me. Am I wasting my time trying to be there while he tries to stay sober? Am I doomed to his rages?
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If he drinking ODOULS he probally aint ready to quit drinking I tried that one time.It's not your fault I blamed eveeryone instead of finding out what was wrong with me.It seems like I was worse to the ones I loved the most.I'm trying to change.I know it is my choice to live sober or die drunk.
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Without a recovery program we're incredibly selfish, angry, and resentful people. We remove the drink but the behavior remains, and in my experience I was able to focus my insanity on someone much better when I stopped drinking. If anything, my misery was directed at the people I loved the most, my children and my ex.
Who will care about you? You will, friends in recovery will, the healthy people in your life will, but right now I don't think your A can. Until we're actively working on recovery an A can't be counted on to be responsible.
Doomed to his rages? Walk away and focus on yourself.
Who will care about you? You will, friends in recovery will, the healthy people in your life will, but right now I don't think your A can. Until we're actively working on recovery an A can't be counted on to be responsible.
Doomed to his rages? Walk away and focus on yourself.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
my xah could be his meanest, cruelest, and most hateful while sober. he was sober because i insisted upon it in order for him to live in our home. he resented it, thus was very resentful towards me.
finally the behavior was unnacceptable for me to live in, so i had to remove myself from his environment. which meant he had to leave, since i lived where i worked and had this job for many years before i met him.
finally the behavior was unnacceptable for me to live in, so i had to remove myself from his environment. which meant he had to leave, since i lived where i worked and had this job for many years before i met him.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by baggervance 
If I dont make it this time I'm going to leave my wife I dont wont to put her through any more hell I want her to have the life she deserves.
I understand why you say that, but it still made me sad to read this. My exAH basically said he would have gotten rid of him if he was me; but he really never (that I know of) ever even tried to quit (except for his "O'Doul's Experiment" years ago.
As for you and your wife,I hope you will never have to worry about that problem.
Sav
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NYC,NY
Posts: 128
It sounds like you're really trying and really suffering. I'm happy to hear that you got even this far with it. It sounds like you still have hopes he'll pull it together. Even if he doesn't, you should be happy knowing you did your best.
Is he doing anything "productive"? Can he do anything like that? One of the worst things about stopping is the feeling of utter uselessness. Here you are, "clean" and ready to take on the world, but everything you've done to destroy your life makes it impossible. I'm just now after a year starting to feel "useful" again. It's taken that long to straighten out the mess I made to where I could even be taken seriously and have the "chops" to work steadily, or to gain the basic things of every day life like getting my license back and unfreezing my credit/accounts so I can do things like an everyday person.
I retook up carpentry for most of that time, just as a hobby, and I'm at the point where I've made most of the furniture in the house and sold a few pieces. I hated at first how I couldn't do anything well because of the shaking in my hands, the lack of concentration, but I worked through it, and I had my share or rages.
I know you said he has physical problems, but maybe if you can find something to distract him, he won't be so frustrated. Anything to keep him from sitting at home and just chewing the gristle of his anger. I'm assuming he refuses therapy or anything like that. Maybe he's deep down, ashamed of admitting what he's become. I don't envy you the task of waiting for him to come to terms with all this. I wish you success and peace of mind...
Is he doing anything "productive"? Can he do anything like that? One of the worst things about stopping is the feeling of utter uselessness. Here you are, "clean" and ready to take on the world, but everything you've done to destroy your life makes it impossible. I'm just now after a year starting to feel "useful" again. It's taken that long to straighten out the mess I made to where I could even be taken seriously and have the "chops" to work steadily, or to gain the basic things of every day life like getting my license back and unfreezing my credit/accounts so I can do things like an everyday person.
I retook up carpentry for most of that time, just as a hobby, and I'm at the point where I've made most of the furniture in the house and sold a few pieces. I hated at first how I couldn't do anything well because of the shaking in my hands, the lack of concentration, but I worked through it, and I had my share or rages.
I know you said he has physical problems, but maybe if you can find something to distract him, he won't be so frustrated. Anything to keep him from sitting at home and just chewing the gristle of his anger. I'm assuming he refuses therapy or anything like that. Maybe he's deep down, ashamed of admitting what he's become. I don't envy you the task of waiting for him to come to terms with all this. I wish you success and peace of mind...
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Originally Posted by Astro
Without a recovery program we're incredibly selfish, angry, and resentful people. We remove the drink but the behavior remains, and in my experience I was able to focus my insanity on someone much better when I stopped drinking. If anything, my misery was directed at the people I loved the most, my children and my ex.
Who will care about you? You will, friends in recovery will, the healthy people in your life will, but right now I don't think your A can. Until we're actively working on recovery an A can't be counted on to be responsible.
Doomed to his rages? Walk away and focus on yourself.
Who will care about you? You will, friends in recovery will, the healthy people in your life will, but right now I don't think your A can. Until we're actively working on recovery an A can't be counted on to be responsible.
Doomed to his rages? Walk away and focus on yourself.
As always Astro puts it so simple-from the other side......
I know with my XAB even with the "drink removed" as Astro stated the behavior remained the same!I feel almost at times he was more angry when he was not drinking than when he was! I was in denial at first of my actions/reactions but, when things were clearer (I was in counseling, Al-Anon) I had to be there for myself and focus on me! I had spent too much wasted energy on someone who was not willing to help themselves so I left his problems with him!
As for your questions:
Am I wasting my time trying to be there while he tries to stay sober?
Am I doomed to his rages?
(((SAINT))))
I know it is hard but start trying to focus on you!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
It is possible to work on one's own recovery, away from the alcoholic. Nothing says reconciliation is not possible down the road when both people have some good solid recovery under their respective belts. I'd decide if living in it was in my best interest. There is no guarantee what sobriety will look like one day, let alone one year, down the road. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hi saint, my ah's dry rage consisted of tearing down the walls in my house. this went on for two months until he wore himself out and went back to drinking 
it is very rough.
(((sav)))
"Is he doing anything "productive"? Can he do anything like that? One of the worst things about stopping is the feeling of utter uselessness. Here you are, "clean" and ready to take on the world, but everything you've done to destroy your life makes it impossible. I'm just now after a year starting to feel "useful" again. It's taken that long to straighten out the mess I made to where I could even be taken seriously and have the "chops" to work steadily, or to gain the basic things of every day life like getting my license back and unfreezing my credit/accounts so I can do things like an everyday person.
I retook up carpentry for most of that time, just as a hobby, and I'm at the point where I've made most of the furniture in the house and sold a few pieces. I hated at first how I couldn't do anything well because of the shaking in my hands, the lack of concentration, but I worked through it, and I had my share or rages.
I know you said he has physical problems, but maybe if you can find something to distract him, he won't be so frustrated. Anything to keep him from sitting at home and just chewing the gristle of his anger. I'm assuming he refuses therapy or anything like that. Maybe he's deep down, ashamed of admitting what he's become. I don't envy you the task of waiting for him to come to terms with all this. I wish you success and peace of mind..."
the whole time ah was doing this and wrecking havic on my house (which still is not completely repaired) it never occured to me that this is what he was going through. thanks for making me see it a different way. i feel bad now...
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it is very rough.(((sav)))
"Is he doing anything "productive"? Can he do anything like that? One of the worst things about stopping is the feeling of utter uselessness. Here you are, "clean" and ready to take on the world, but everything you've done to destroy your life makes it impossible. I'm just now after a year starting to feel "useful" again. It's taken that long to straighten out the mess I made to where I could even be taken seriously and have the "chops" to work steadily, or to gain the basic things of every day life like getting my license back and unfreezing my credit/accounts so I can do things like an everyday person.
I retook up carpentry for most of that time, just as a hobby, and I'm at the point where I've made most of the furniture in the house and sold a few pieces. I hated at first how I couldn't do anything well because of the shaking in my hands, the lack of concentration, but I worked through it, and I had my share or rages.
I know you said he has physical problems, but maybe if you can find something to distract him, he won't be so frustrated. Anything to keep him from sitting at home and just chewing the gristle of his anger. I'm assuming he refuses therapy or anything like that. Maybe he's deep down, ashamed of admitting what he's become. I don't envy you the task of waiting for him to come to terms with all this. I wish you success and peace of mind..."
the whole time ah was doing this and wrecking havic on my house (which still is not completely repaired) it never occured to me that this is what he was going through. thanks for making me see it a different way. i feel bad now...
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Originally Posted by Rella927
I know with my XAB even with the "drink removed" as Astro stated the behavior remained the same!I feel almost at times he was more angry when he was not drinking than when he was!
Sav
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NYC,NY
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by hopeangel
hi saint, my ah's dry rage consisted of tearing down the walls in my house. this went on for two months until he wore himself out and went back to drinking it is very rough.
the whole time ah was doing this and wrecking havic on my house (which still is not completely repaired) it never occured to me that this is what he was going through. thanks for making me see it a different way. i feel bad now...
__________________
it is very rough.the whole time ah was doing this and wrecking havic on my house (which still is not completely repaired) it never occured to me that this is what he was going through. thanks for making me see it a different way. i feel bad now...
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I don't suppose when he was tearing them down he tried putting them back up...?
Try not to feel bad, I doubt there was anything you could have done to make him feel better. I know very little worked for me when I was like that. It's the kind of thing you have to work through on your own in the end run. Friends and therapists and loved ones can help you get there, but you have to do it yourself.
It's ironic that people who's inherent weaknesses made them addicts have to attempt to be so incredibly strong when they stop using and reach such a high level of self awareness and understanding. I keep thinking if I'd been able to be that strong before all this, I never would have ended up in this position!!!
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