lillian

for the first time in a long time, i let my guard down and had a fabulous night with someone who was very insightful, honest, direct, charasmatic... the next night i met him, he was stumbling drunk. my mind charted familiar flags i'd ignored the first time: very charasmatic, charming, passionate, ready to jump into something, something odd missing, weird pieces in the stories that didn't add up-- he's on vacation, no he's here working-- which is it? so, i tell myself-- and him-- that the drinking till yr drunk thing is a problem for me. i know in my head it's off, wrong. the thing is, why am i obsessing and thinking about him so much? i was distant and he pursued me-- and i knew all the things he told me were ridiculous/not sincere. so why do i have instincts but then my gut is still insecure enough to be upset that i was right/that it wasn't real? he blew me off i think-- i know he is full of it, but i feel like i'm the one who is nuts and not confident. i guess i am not ready yet to be with anyone. anyone have this problem after getting out a long relationship with an AH? i have so little confidence-- i guess all the sparkly things they say seem so appealing when you feel so awfully unattractive-- you know it can't be true, no one can be in love after two days, but i still feel disappointed. i wanted the moon to be made of cheese. arrgh. drinking till you stumble is a bad bad sign, esp if you are over 17. is dating so scary for everyone, or are there weird issues for alan on types?

best

Love them till they learn to love themself.

One of the suggestions on how to care for the newbie.
Being told it is your fault, your fault, your fault for as long as your past relationship had gone on.... you need regroup and realize...
It isn't, wasn't, and never could have been your fault.
Rebuilding who we are back to who we truly are (not what we have been told by an A) is why it is said a year before making any major life's changes.
Balance, instinct, gutt feelings... are things you have or are gaining because of what you have already been through that others who go out on the date scene may not have. Build and refine the use of the tools you are gathering and then see how well your radar works when you try dateing.
Take things slow...Tell yourself and fully know.... You are worth top shelf.

lillian

thanks very much-- i have actually been feeling better than i had been for a couple of years-- slowly feeling better, not worried or caring about sex or relationships, building up my friendships, yoga, slow, slow steps-- i met this person when i was feeling good- but i guess i have learned that i am not that confident yet-- i am doubting everything-- it is kind of a good lesson for me to think about how i have behaved with my husband/to see similarities in what appealed to me so much, what i fell for, what weaknesses i showed, what i gave up-- i will give up a lot, it turns out, for a handsome, charasmatic man who flatters me-- especially my judgment. at least i see it now, whereas before i didn't know i was doing it. now i see it-- but i still have problems correcting my behavior.


here is my blabbing, just to get it out-- i know it's indulgent, but i am so glad the board is here so i can get it out-- no one needs to read this or respond, i am just writing this for me because i feel like a nutcase: maybe if i write it, i will have clarity.

AH tells me he is coming home just to see me, has to spend time with me before he goes away again, how important it is, how i should place more importance on it too and not be scared, how he can tell i've been hurt badly recently (he was right), how he wouldn't hurt me, i shoud be trusting, he'll call me and we'll spend the rest of the day together when he gets in, how he has so many things to tell me but wants to tell me in person. the day we'd talked about being together on rolls around and no word. i call him because i begin to doubt-- did i say i'd call him?--even though I KNOW he said he'd call me when he got in-- and he is at the bar (he's at one every night from what i can tell), and is acting casual, and i don't say so much because part of me can't believe all of that meant nothing. what are you doing, he asks? oh, nothing... maybe we can go out tomorrow, he says. okay... i feel so stupid, and finally i call him back and say i am confused; he made a big deal when i've spent time with him what i should always share and be honest about how i was feeling, so i tell him i feel blown off-- oh, i was gonna call you, i was about to; you're just overly sensitive because you're going through a divorce and i've been through that and everyone else has too, and don't worry, but if you are worried or feeling bad, there isn't anything i can do, and did i still want to do something tomorrow?

i am so confused and embarrassed that i am so unable to piece together what is really happening-- or at least unable to accept what is really happening. i should not have called to check up on him-- that's what it felt like i was doing. why did i do it? so he didn't call. i should have accepted it and moved on. but now i feel like a cry baby weirdo, and it didn't feel like sharing or being honest with someone who cared-- i am in this weird place of self-loathing and shame that is not in proportion to this trvial event... i'm not a kid anymore. why don't i grow up?

respektingme

lillian,

I have a friend who meets your description perfectly. He's always the center of attention. He is in show business, and knows lots of famous people. When he walks into a room, the party starts. He has a huge personality. He can make anyone feel so special. Luckily for me, we've never been romantic. So, I've been able to watch him burn loads of women during his life. Oh, it's been so nasty. They think they are a princess when they first meet him. He makes them feel sooo special. Then the newness wears off, he gets tired of them and moves on. Carcasses are left strewn around. I bet plenty of them wonder where they went wrong.

He's a recovering addict. But he's still soooo selfish. I usually only hear from him when he wants something. The last time, he wanted money to start a new business. That's because he lost his old business due to his coke habit. He's recovering now professionally, but no thank you. I'm sure my money would get left on the side of the road just like the countless scores of women he's had.

My AH was over the top when we first met too. Now I know what the game was. It's about getting what they want. They love the chase, and that's about it. When it comes to giving you what you want, they have no clue and choose to avoid the subject.

So follow your gut. Keep your rose colored glasses off when you are meeting a guy. Pay attention to his behavior. Is it real? Or is it an act? Is he trying overly hard to impress you? What's his history?

cmc

Boundaries- lilian, are what keep others from hurting me like that. I can't reply to all that you shared but the one part that stands out to me is about him calling and making plans and then ditching you. When this happens to me and I'm thinking that "somebody thinks so little of me as to imply that I will be available at the drop of a hat" or am at their beckon call, then I have some questions to ask myself. Why does that person think they can do this to me? Why do I comply with them? What will it take for me to let them know that I deserve and expect more consideration and respect?
If I never complained or really stood my ground why shouldn't somebody take advantage of me?

The answers to all these questions are things that are in my control. A history of being compliant and 'selfless' became a bad, self destructive habit for me. My behavior teaches others how to treat me. Even if I don't feel like it I can choose to say 'no' or 'I'm busy' (and give no details or explanations) and show without anger or resentment that I expect to be treated better.