Pleases Help me understand..........

Old 07-29-2007, 09:00 PM
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Exclamation Pleases Help me understand..........

Growing up in Alcoholics home I didn't know whether to be a child or Adult!!!
Well know that I am married and have kids I am struggling with adult/child relationship with my kids..... Because there are times I feel like a Child in a grownup body....

If anyone can share on this I love to hear the share.......

Also could you share on How can I stop seeing my Alcoholic father in my husband?

Thanks 123onelove456
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Old 07-29-2007, 09:10 PM
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Hi there, OneLove,

I never got to be a kid. I was the only "adult" in my biological family, nobody else was responsible to I had to do it. My relationship with my younger brother is still one of Father to Son. Sometimes it sucks, and it's always confusing.

I got to help raise a teenager when I married a charming lady who came with one pre-installed

What works for me is to share about it at a meeting. Al-Anon or ACoA, I used both. I just shared what was going on and how I did not know how to deal with it. I always got tons of great suggestions and little by little I learned how to have a healthy relationship with my brother, my step-daughter, all of her little friends, and eventually with the "inner child".

All the little one-liners or recovery work for me here. "one day at a time" means I'm not going to learn it all in one meeting, even though I want to. "Easy does it" means I don't have to do it perfectly perfect every single time, even though I want to. "Keep coming back" means I can keep making mistakes over and over again and eventually I will get it right.

The really cool thing is that even though I'm not doing it perfect, I get it right enough times now that the times I goof up don't matter

Mike
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Old 07-30-2007, 03:09 PM
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Yes I know that feeling of a child trapped in a man's body.

As Mike said it is knowledge that is helping me to modify and adjust my behaviour. Knowledge from going to meetings and reading the recovery literature.

I have a two year old son that I know I will have to establish boundaries with. We play a lot together and have a whale of a time, but at the same time I know I have to set limits and provide discipline, something which does not come easily for me because deep inside I feel like a child myself.

As far as "not seeing your father in your husband" is concerned I really have no experience.

Since we as ACOA's tend to marry into dysfunction it is likely that your husband already has the characteristics of your alcoholic/dysfunctional father and unless he changes then he will have those characteristics for the rest of his life.

The only thing you can really change is the way you see yourself and the way you feel about the relationship. Try focusing on some of his better qualities and strive to find peace within yourself.

The best news for you today is that you know about your problem and you can start making the necessary steps towards healing.
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Old 07-31-2007, 11:14 AM
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Egad... that advice would have been awful helpful to me 20 years ago.

But I got it when I got it... and not one minute before.

My mistake was believing to be DIFFERENT from my parents, I had to be "perfect". I put an awful lot of pressure on my poor kids... but since I've gotten into Alanon, we've done a lot of talking - and they are beginning to be adult enough themselves to understand the reasons behind some of my crazy behaviors.

I didn't do it perfect... and today I know that is ok.

I hope you find some meetings - they can make SUCH a difference.

I wish you the best.
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Old 08-07-2007, 08:16 PM
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Thanks so much...

THANKS ((((((((((((((guys)))))))))))))))) for sharing with me.. Wow I feeling a lot better about the situtation.. Some interresting insights I need to think about and let sink in to my head.....

I love you all already and I havent been on the board all that long!!!

123onelove456
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Old 08-10-2007, 04:57 AM
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I feel like a kid most of the time. it's not a bad thing.
I can actaully communicate wtih my children. it's also
as if i got a chance to live a childhood i never had.
A big diffence is, i respect and honor my children as human beings
and didn't pass on that turama of a childhood to my children.

The only different is , the adult part of me just had to makesure
my children have a loving , safe, environment to live.

it might seem wierd at times to the neighbors or my gf, but I wasn't
being dysfuntioning anymore. My two step duaghter at a very
young age tuaght me so, so much. They were pure and
wasn't as sick as I was...I had to be very careful. Just becuase
I've been on this planet longer than they did, didn't mean i wasn't
sick.

My children all love me very much. We have a relationship.
There's not that walking on eggshells. When my step son comes
to me and talk to me in his teenage years about his problems
and open up to me and talk about anything....that's a big, big change.
Yes, it might seem strange at times when he calls me "dude"..
Oh..he knows I'm his dad. it's can get out of hand sometime
becuase i goof around like a kid, Drives my GF sometimes.
But i know I'm the parent becuase he asked me for money..lol

He is a young man now, we hug each other everytime when we meet,
thats a big, big change. While he might have problems growing up
or just growing into a man..he differently dosn't have that funk that i have.

I belive I'm more mature than most grown ups. becuase I allow myself
to be childish. It was healing for me and I didn't passed on the insanity.
if the world thinks I'm crazy or not growning up..oh well.
I don't wanna grow up. Grown up get sent bills..lol
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Old 08-22-2007, 06:52 AM
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Wow Thanks (((((((((((satit)))))))))))))))) I completely understand I do the same with my children and it drives my Husband crazy!!!!!! I hadn't thought of acting like a child with my children as being healing but as I think about it now it is!!! My childhood sucked I went through way to much as a child growing up with to Alcoholic parents and sisters and brother.....

I am too a parent I am learning where to draw the line with the kids from being a parent/child....

I have bills to pay and asked for Money too!!!!

Thanks

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