Lalaleah

Hello,

I don't know who will remember me..it has been a long time. I broke it off with my AH over ayear ago. I have been living on my own since then.


I keep on fooling myself into thinking that I have done the work to truly be okay with being alone. I realize that I have not. I am still looking to outside people for my happiness, and I am just now realizing this. When I can't get a hold of anyone for a day or two I get anxious and restless. I feel uneasy with my own company sometimes. My mom is mentally ill and I moved closer to her to have her in my life more, but we have been driven further apart then ever and I feel like I have no one, even though I do have friends. They are just busy and can't talk to me all the time..

The thing is that I don't want to have to depend on others to make syre that I am happy, ya know?


My question is HOW do you get to that point where you can be truly hapy with being alone. I jave yet to figure this out and would love to not need people all the time. I base my feelings on external things, even though I know that that is not the key to happiness. Can anyone help me? I am feeling rather hopeless and sad tonight

marle

Leah, You are young. It took me a few years to be comfortable enough in my own skin to enjoy solitude. Have you thought about joining some kind of a group. A group that maybe you have some interest in such as dancing, quilting, etc. That way you can branch out and meet new people. I find nothing wrong with liking to be around people. It is only when their opinions of you count more than your own, that you can get into trouble. Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs, Marle

hope213

i remember you.you are the pretty brunette. i am sorry you feel alone tonite.we all feel that way some times. happiness comes within us & not from other people. some of us have to learn to live alone after living with someone else.maybe you could find a hobby or maybe join the gym or maybe volunteer somewhere.that would be doing something for your self & also give you a way to meeting other people.i am glad you have come back to share with us.i wish you happiness, you deserve so much.i am sure there is something great out there for you & it can be around the next cornor.hugs & prayers,

Lalaleah

The problem is lately all of my so-called-friends toatlly ignor my calls. They don't even acknowledge that I called them or act like they care anymore. I can't even get a text message back.

Wascally Wabbit

For me, getting divorced meant that I was free to do a lot of things I could not do while married to an addict. The first thing I did was stop living in fear for my life and my sanity.
I have been alone a year and a half now. Personally, it's given me much time to focus on becoming a better stronger person. I have some fears that are related to the damage he did to me financially, but I don't live with that fear of what he might do to me.
Im not saying I would like to be "alone" the rest of my life, but I don't want to get involved with another addicted or alcoholic person again. So, living alone has taught me what I do not have to tolerate any more.

It's not easy getting over someone, and being thrust in to the single world. I would love to have a decent man in my life. But, my experience with men has not been good, because of choices made by me.

I think I am strong enough now that I would NOT tolerate unacceptable behavior from a partner.
I feel like I am rambling on. But, you are young and very pretty. You won't be alone forever. Just be careful who you give your heart to, and make sure they're worthy of it.

Lalaleah

It is not so much about finding another man... I just feel alone. Period. Like everyone would not even care if they didn't hear from me for along time

Elana

La La Leah.. I understand. I am older now so it isn't a big deal for me to be alone and I am liking it a lot.. but Oh I recall being where you are now!

Here is my suggestion:
for the time you want to be with ppl and do not ahve other oblicgations VOLUNTEER. Hosptials are a great place to start. I volunteer at the local railroad museum. OK.. getting paid would be awesome.. but well, that isn't always going to happen.

Go and do something beside "be with your friends" and turn it into productive. Try it for awhile and go from there. Museums, kids camps, animal shelters, hospitals, any NPO out there.. needs volunteers. I volunteer in the Empire State Railway Museum gift shop. My best friens in the whole world came out of that effort.

There are clubs you can join.. and they are everything from 4H volunteers and cooperative extension to photo clubs to cooking.. anything you like to do! There is a club and a group and all the rest.

Put yourself out and you will become part of it!

Good Luck.

just for today

I am so sorry that you are feeling sad and alone tonight......this article helps me to remember that my best is good enough....


My best is good enough.

Because I choose to be kind to myself and to my body, I will select only those activities which allow me to comfortably plan them, accomplish them and enjoy them.

My needs will be met because I will discriminate between my needs and desires and the needs and desires of others.

The activities to which I will commit myself reflect a reasonable, sensible time frame, with plenty of opportunity for rest, relaxation and contemplation.

I will remember that the needs of others are no greater than my needs

Because I will stay focused and present in each moment rather than worrying about the future, each moment will have the potential for excitement, joy, peace or any other quality I need.

Every morning I will joyfully look forward to what will unfold and appreciate my ability to handle any challenges as they arise.

I will accept compliments by saying simply, "Thank you. I'm glad you like ________."

I will remember I am doing the best I can at this point in my life, cannot do what I haven't yet learned how to do, and look forward to learning in the future.

I will understand what others do or say and what they have makes them different from me — not better or worse, just different. That they do not need to meet my standards or expectations and I do not need to meet theirs.


Unless a mistake of mine requires me to apologize and to make amends, I will assume that errors in judgment (that is, when my good intentions miss their mark) are a normal part of human nature and I will accept them as part of who I am. Then I move on.

I know people have a right to be angry. That includes me. The sky will not fall down if someone expresses anger.

Taking care of my needs is not selfish, but self-care. When I take care of myself, I have the energy, time, and ability to choose when I might want to meet the needs of others from time to time.

oneeyeopen

yes, it is a drag to be alone. Honestly, the reason I hung onto my exabf for so long was just to avoid being alone, it was the fear that this was some how my only chance for not being alone for the rest of my life. Yeah, a bit irrational.

I am living in a place where I have no friends, my exabf was the only person I have in town to be with. So now I am on my own, all my good friends are people that live far away and I only connect with on the phone. It is strange, alone physically, but some friends to talk on the phone.

Recently I got a new job and, although I have not met any one I imagine myself becoming friends with, I have a lot of superficial, and fun, socializing with the people there. Not to mention I meet a lot of people that come and go.

How about getting a job in a busy place, it might even be silly or stupid work, but it brings you together with lots of people and gives you a lot of socializing.

When I get home after 8 hours of talking and helping people and chatting with coworkers I am okay to just hang out on my own and watch TV.

I was talking to my therapist about the point when you feel like you can out again after an intense relationship. I made a joke the day after my break up that now I should go out looking for a new man, and he said "why not?" and even though I doubt I could emotionally handle a new relationship at this point it just made me think that there is no hard and fast rule about how long you stay at home and mourn, and when you feel comfortable going out.

My only issue is -- Where do you go to meet men that are not alcoholics or addicts. I let my far away friends convince me (a total non-drinker) to go to some local bars and pubs and I ended up together with an addict. so, I figure, if you go places like that you are asking for trouble...

then again I keep thinking, I can't be the only non-drinker who goes to places like that to meet people.

Okay, aside from that, there are art classes, book clubs, sewing circles, knitting groups. Find a more off-beat newspaper that advertises stuff like that, or read the signs in cafes advertising things like that.

Hey, the Whole Oats grocery here where I live even has a singles night!

well, good luck...too bad we don't all live near each other or we could start our own stitch and bitch club.

cmc

Hey there! It's so nice to hear from you. It sounds like you need some new friends to 'go with' the new you. I like the ideas that Elana shared and think this is just a phase. If you are still feeling 'blue' or it gets worse, maybe a doctor visit is on order to make sure all is well. I'm sorry you're feeling so lonesome and hope you will keep posting and let us know how things are going for you.

booklover

Hi there. I have only been coming to the board for the last 6 months so I don't know your full story but I relate. My husband and I are separated and trying to figure out what we are going to do about our divorce.

He was the only person I really talked to, so naturally I felt very lonely. I've never had a lot of friends but I did notice as soon as I really needed them, they never seemed to be there. I relate to your calling everyone with no response and feeling anxious or isolated...

I feel that often. In fact, today when I had a revisit of old behavior and I wanted to talk to someone....there was no one who wanted to answer their phone. I have a plan when this happens, I come to this board and read posts and/or post myself. I feel like I know so many of these people it feels like interaction. Then I feel a lot better. It almost always works.

Remember, all people crave interaction with people. It is a normal human need, the same way a baby will not flourish if not held enough. I think you can still be "happy to be alone" but still experience some of that. I have always preferred my own company because I read a lot but with all that said and done, I still need to have some outside human contact too.

It sounds like to me you have been doing pretty well solo.

Perhaps if you don't have an alanon group, you might go. I always feel good after a meeting just because I feel supported there. Or as someone else suggested, volunteering.

Take care and good luck.

raerae6

The 'stitch and bitch' club is a great idea, maybe you could put up an ad on Craig's list or a coffee shop and start your own!

That's giving me an idea....

greeteachday

Hey Leah! I was happy to see a post from you, my friend, but sorry you are feeling lonely. I think there comes a point in life where friends are so wrapped up in either boyfriends or spouses or raising kids or careers and they tend to fall out of touch and loose sight of the need for extending that friendship. I am quite certain it has absolutely nothing to do with you; rather life circumstances.

I like Elana's idea of volunteering...or join a gym or take a non credit class...Just reaching out beyond the normal comfort zone and that makes life less lonely and opens the opportunities for new friends.

I love my time alone, but as Marle said, I am older...I have had to grow into that. I do think it is harder to be young and spend a lot of time alone. But the more you feel comfortable with you, the more you will enjoy your own company. Program work helped me to get there. Hugs

Lalaleah

Hey all.. I just wanted to stop back in and say thanks for all of your support and suggestions.

I have been sick for the past week and I am realizing that this may be adding to my feelings of 'blah'.

I still have work to do, but I think I will be okay. Thanks again..I can always count on SR, even after all this time away.

Lalaleah

PS.. I have a BIG job interview on Tuesday,(a promotion) so wish me luck, please.

blue pansy

Good luck on Tuesday, we'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.
As for being alone and blue, put on some good music and get up and dance, not music associated with a someone, just something fast and up beat and go for it. no one is watching! Or go to Oxogyn on Demand (if you have it) and try the kareoke. That is great.

Mavis

Lalaleah,
Write down in a diary, all the things that make "you" happy. Could be anything. Reading, walking, eating chocolate ice cream. Then write down your goals. Slowly introduce yourself into them. Don't get lazy and forget about your goals. Everyday, focus on the things "you" want to do. Then get creative and write about all the things you want in your future. Anything! This is a great way to remember what "You" are all about. And when you have those "down" day's, you can open this book, and remember all of the wonderful things you have to look foward too!

atalose

Good Luck tomorrow leah,

I know for me it took time to settle into becoming comfortable being alone. Like you I was free in a new life and wanted my friends to keep me company, trouble was, they had lives of their own, my life changed theirs didn't. I kept forgetting that and feeling like I was being pushed aside or forgotten by them. It helped me to make plans ahead of time with them, that gave us all something to look forward to. I also stopped calling them as frequently as I was. I think I expected them to stop everything they were doing and talk to me because I felt sad or lonely. My one good friend was very busy with a little one under 1 year, the baby's schedule seemed to change everyday so calling her was becoming impossible but I missed talking to her so much. We set up a special time on Tuesday nights around 10 for us to talk, that way she was uninterupted and was able to relax with a glass of wine and did her as much good as it did me. I found I had to stop myself from being selfish minded when it came to others and me needing them. It's a hard transition one filled with all kinds of new learning experiences about ourselves.

I think you not feeling well this week added to your feeling blah, we all go through that domino effect.

Let us know how your interview goes.