Hello - VERY LONG - sorry!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 5
Hello - VERY LONG - sorry!
I am not sure if I am supposed to be posting here or not, but I didn't see any other area that was listed as being for newcomers, so here I am! My name is Riqui and my husband is an addict/alcoholic. I am here because I need help helping him with his attempt at sobriety.
A bit of history - my husban was an addict when we met. He had quit using just shortly before that and I guess that I should have "known" that he hadn't really quit, it was just a break from one drug to another. I think one of the things that I find most irritating is when someone who knows that I was raised by an alcoholic father and had (previous to this marriage) been involved in a long-term relationsip with an alcoholic, they ask me why I didn't know better than to get involved with M and ultimately marry him! Hello?! If I had known that his drinking was going to start destroying my life, as well as my children's, don't you think that I would have made a different choice?! Anyhow...
My husband has lived a horrible life that has included abandonment, abuses and long-term incarceration. He has a horribly negative attitude and can be very hard to get along with...and that's when he's sober! :-) There is a lot more to him than this though and I love him to death. I am not trying to say that any of those things happening to him give him a reason to drink, they give him an excuse. He has never dealt with those things...that comes later in this post.
Over the past two months, his lying and hiding has become out of control, he actually left me for a period of time and cheated on me and started using another drug, but only because he needed extra energy for work! Yeah
This past Saturday, I decided that I was going to leave him. Unfortunately, I run my business out of my home and every plan that I came up with fell through, whether it was because of my business, money or our three children. The next day was a "family day" and I knew he was going to be sober, so I let him read all of the things that I had written (my journal) to him that day, including the letters I had written telling him that I was done. Eight hours later, when we got home, we discussed his drinking and even though he tried to convince me that he just needed to quit going to the bars and start being more responsible (something we had already talked about and tried over the previous week and a half), I told him that he couldn't control it and it wasn't enough for me. When he told me he didn't want to quit, I told him that meant there was nothing left to talk about. A bit later he came to me and told me that, even though he didn't WANT to, he knew that he needed to and that he was going to try.
The next day brought about some HUGE issues. I found out that he had lied to me about using protection when he cheated, which was why I was being tested for STDs, since I had gone to see someone because of pain and it is also the day that I found out that he had been using other drugs. I was done - emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I think that he knew that he had pushed me over the edge, because he called and made an appointment with our past marriage counselor (who we quit going to as there was no point in paying her when he was going to our sessions intoxicated) and made us an appointment for the next night.
While I would say that our session was successful, I don't know if he would agree - it made him quite angry. First of all, she used an example of how some abuses affect people, which made him think that I had betrayed him by telling her something he had told me in confidence and she, ultimately, told me that I needed to decide whether or not I was ready to get off of the ferris wheel. She then turned to him and told him that he needed to get off of all drugs and alcohol and that we no longer needed to come to marriage counseling, but that the only way we were ever going to make it is if he came to one-on-one sessions. Wow, did this irratate him - to be told that he was "broken."
Anyhow, he has agreed to one session with her next Wednesday and I am praying that, after that one, he will agree to just one more. I told him last night that since he is also an Ebay addict :-) I would be willing to take some of the money that we save each week and buy him an Ebay gift certificate. On top of that, I promised him a reward of sorts for going to the meeting with her. I guess that I am hoping that, as it works with my children, positive reinforcement for doing something that may not be well liked may help to keep him enthused.
I am here because I am completely unable to go to any form of meetings locally and he is opposed to the whole 12 Step program. He has been to rehab 5 times now (although always under duress and never actually wanting to get better) and knows what he will and will not do, so he is trying this on his own. I am looking for someone or someplace where I can find out if some of my behaviours are constructive or destructive. I need to find a place that can help me figure out how to approach him, like when he comes straight home from work and is grumpy. I told him last night that I feel that it is because he would rather be drinking, as he previously spent 3-4 hours drinking before coming home, and that if it is, he can tell me. While I can't sympathize, I can empathize. I told him that if he was going to do all of this work "for us" than the least that I could do is to tolerate his moods while he is doing it and to help him through it any way that I can - even if it is just to leave him alone. I even went so far as to apologize to him for things that I have said (even though they were true) when his drinking made me angry!
So...looking for help for me so that I can help him. I look forward to hearing from everybody and apologize for how long this post is!! I just figured I would get this information out there so you knew where I was first. :-)
A bit of history - my husban was an addict when we met. He had quit using just shortly before that and I guess that I should have "known" that he hadn't really quit, it was just a break from one drug to another. I think one of the things that I find most irritating is when someone who knows that I was raised by an alcoholic father and had (previous to this marriage) been involved in a long-term relationsip with an alcoholic, they ask me why I didn't know better than to get involved with M and ultimately marry him! Hello?! If I had known that his drinking was going to start destroying my life, as well as my children's, don't you think that I would have made a different choice?! Anyhow...
My husband has lived a horrible life that has included abandonment, abuses and long-term incarceration. He has a horribly negative attitude and can be very hard to get along with...and that's when he's sober! :-) There is a lot more to him than this though and I love him to death. I am not trying to say that any of those things happening to him give him a reason to drink, they give him an excuse. He has never dealt with those things...that comes later in this post.
Over the past two months, his lying and hiding has become out of control, he actually left me for a period of time and cheated on me and started using another drug, but only because he needed extra energy for work! Yeah
This past Saturday, I decided that I was going to leave him. Unfortunately, I run my business out of my home and every plan that I came up with fell through, whether it was because of my business, money or our three children. The next day was a "family day" and I knew he was going to be sober, so I let him read all of the things that I had written (my journal) to him that day, including the letters I had written telling him that I was done. Eight hours later, when we got home, we discussed his drinking and even though he tried to convince me that he just needed to quit going to the bars and start being more responsible (something we had already talked about and tried over the previous week and a half), I told him that he couldn't control it and it wasn't enough for me. When he told me he didn't want to quit, I told him that meant there was nothing left to talk about. A bit later he came to me and told me that, even though he didn't WANT to, he knew that he needed to and that he was going to try.
The next day brought about some HUGE issues. I found out that he had lied to me about using protection when he cheated, which was why I was being tested for STDs, since I had gone to see someone because of pain and it is also the day that I found out that he had been using other drugs. I was done - emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I think that he knew that he had pushed me over the edge, because he called and made an appointment with our past marriage counselor (who we quit going to as there was no point in paying her when he was going to our sessions intoxicated) and made us an appointment for the next night.
While I would say that our session was successful, I don't know if he would agree - it made him quite angry. First of all, she used an example of how some abuses affect people, which made him think that I had betrayed him by telling her something he had told me in confidence and she, ultimately, told me that I needed to decide whether or not I was ready to get off of the ferris wheel. She then turned to him and told him that he needed to get off of all drugs and alcohol and that we no longer needed to come to marriage counseling, but that the only way we were ever going to make it is if he came to one-on-one sessions. Wow, did this irratate him - to be told that he was "broken."
Anyhow, he has agreed to one session with her next Wednesday and I am praying that, after that one, he will agree to just one more. I told him last night that since he is also an Ebay addict :-) I would be willing to take some of the money that we save each week and buy him an Ebay gift certificate. On top of that, I promised him a reward of sorts for going to the meeting with her. I guess that I am hoping that, as it works with my children, positive reinforcement for doing something that may not be well liked may help to keep him enthused.
I am here because I am completely unable to go to any form of meetings locally and he is opposed to the whole 12 Step program. He has been to rehab 5 times now (although always under duress and never actually wanting to get better) and knows what he will and will not do, so he is trying this on his own. I am looking for someone or someplace where I can find out if some of my behaviours are constructive or destructive. I need to find a place that can help me figure out how to approach him, like when he comes straight home from work and is grumpy. I told him last night that I feel that it is because he would rather be drinking, as he previously spent 3-4 hours drinking before coming home, and that if it is, he can tell me. While I can't sympathize, I can empathize. I told him that if he was going to do all of this work "for us" than the least that I could do is to tolerate his moods while he is doing it and to help him through it any way that I can - even if it is just to leave him alone. I even went so far as to apologize to him for things that I have said (even though they were true) when his drinking made me angry!
So...looking for help for me so that I can help him. I look forward to hearing from everybody and apologize for how long this post is!! I just figured I would get this information out there so you knew where I was first. :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Head on over to Friends and Family of alcoholics. They can help you with you. There's nothing YOU can do about your husbands alcoholism.
That's going to present a problem......
I am completely unable to go to any form of meetings locally and he is opposed to the whole 12 Step program.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, ricui1 - glad you found us. i am the mom of a recovering addict/alcoholic. i am able to go to face to face alanon meetings, and i do. in alanon, we talk about the 3 c's:
we didn't cause the addiction.
we can't cure the addiction.
we can't control the addiction.
there's a 4th c though - it's about the choices we have as to how we allow our loved one's addiction affect our lives and the lives of our children.
you might want to spend that giftcard money on yourself instead -
- at amazon.com. there's a lot of good alanon literature. i read mostly from 2 books - "courage to change" and "pathways to recovery".
keep posting, and come on over to friends and family forums.
blessings, k
we didn't cause the addiction.
we can't cure the addiction.
we can't control the addiction.
there's a 4th c though - it's about the choices we have as to how we allow our loved one's addiction affect our lives and the lives of our children.
you might want to spend that giftcard money on yourself instead -
- at amazon.com. there's a lot of good alanon literature. i read mostly from 2 books - "courage to change" and "pathways to recovery". keep posting, and come on over to friends and family forums.
blessings, k
Newbie
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Best wishes
Hi riqui 1
I'm not sure where you should be posting as i'm new here myself but wherever you post, there will be some good advice and so much support for you here.
Your husband does sound as though he's had a tough time of things. But it also sounds as though you have too. I have had some counseling in the past for my issues and it really did help so much. I need some more help which is why i'm going straight back to the clinic where I got so much help before as I know this does work for those who spend their lives taking care of those that have substance abuse issues. I've never been to any AA meetings or NA meetings, so I can not comment on them apart from saying that they are life savers!!! I hope i'm not being over dramatic here but I do know what fantastic work they do and all the help and support they offer. If you can not go to any of these meetings, please try to seek some help some other way.
I hate saying this but we can not make our loved ones recover from substance abuse probs. We can love and support them but we will never cure them. It is beyond our control but we can certainly take care of ourselves.
I have only been posting here for a few days but already have had so much advice and support so please keep posting and i'm sure this will help.
Best wishes to you
ST
I'm not sure where you should be posting as i'm new here myself but wherever you post, there will be some good advice and so much support for you here.
Your husband does sound as though he's had a tough time of things. But it also sounds as though you have too. I have had some counseling in the past for my issues and it really did help so much. I need some more help which is why i'm going straight back to the clinic where I got so much help before as I know this does work for those who spend their lives taking care of those that have substance abuse issues. I've never been to any AA meetings or NA meetings, so I can not comment on them apart from saying that they are life savers!!! I hope i'm not being over dramatic here but I do know what fantastic work they do and all the help and support they offer. If you can not go to any of these meetings, please try to seek some help some other way.
I hate saying this but we can not make our loved ones recover from substance abuse probs. We can love and support them but we will never cure them. It is beyond our control but we can certainly take care of ourselves.
I have only been posting here for a few days but already have had so much advice and support so please keep posting and i'm sure this will help.
Best wishes to you
ST
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