How to break things off
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How to break things off
I am, I believe, almost at the point where I will break the ties, once and for all, with ABF. His confession a week ago about having lied to me about being in rehab when he was actually in jail for a DUI was my big wake-up call. It truly does not matter to me if he said after his confession and while drunk..."I will never ever tell another lie."....because, as you all know, that's just more BS.
So, please suggest how best to inform this man that I no longer wish to have contact with him.
I was reading the "empathy" thread where posters say it is best not to write heartfelt letters to the A because of how the non-A feelings will be twisted and thrown back by the A. I understand this. I am afraid, in fact, of putting anything in writing to him because he is like a dog with a bone if he feels "wronged" by someone. Face to face is out of the question because we are long distance (thank heavens!). I really don't want to telephone because breaking off via the phone just seems wrong.
Somehow I need to "officially" end this relationship so that I can move forward honestly with my life. In other words, it doesn't seem fair to make myself available for possible new relationships with HEALTHY men until I have told this man that he and I are finished. I am not rushing back "out there" because I know I am not healed yet but I cannot live with the dishonesty of him not knowing that we are finished. Does that make sense?
Any thoughts are appreciated.
ARL
So, please suggest how best to inform this man that I no longer wish to have contact with him.
I was reading the "empathy" thread where posters say it is best not to write heartfelt letters to the A because of how the non-A feelings will be twisted and thrown back by the A. I understand this. I am afraid, in fact, of putting anything in writing to him because he is like a dog with a bone if he feels "wronged" by someone. Face to face is out of the question because we are long distance (thank heavens!). I really don't want to telephone because breaking off via the phone just seems wrong.
Somehow I need to "officially" end this relationship so that I can move forward honestly with my life. In other words, it doesn't seem fair to make myself available for possible new relationships with HEALTHY men until I have told this man that he and I are finished. I am not rushing back "out there" because I know I am not healed yet but I cannot live with the dishonesty of him not knowing that we are finished. Does that make sense?
Any thoughts are appreciated.
ARL
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If it were me, an email would probably work since its a long distance relationship. No need to poor your heart out. I would just lay it out as much as you need to and say I am ending the relationship. Something as simple as you are unwilling to be involved with him because of his alcoholism.
I left a letter for my AH the day I left. I put in it the info I need him to see in black and white. It was straight forward and unemotional but laid exactly why I was leaving in terms of his behaviors over the years, toward me, his children and his unwillingness to get a job or to admit he had a drinking problem. The letter was cathartic for me. Whether he gained anything from it or not is not my problem.
I left a letter for my AH the day I left. I put in it the info I need him to see in black and white. It was straight forward and unemotional but laid exactly why I was leaving in terms of his behaviors over the years, toward me, his children and his unwillingness to get a job or to admit he had a drinking problem. The letter was cathartic for me. Whether he gained anything from it or not is not my problem.
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Originally Posted by ARealLady 
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So, please suggest how best to inform this man that I no longer wish to have contact with him.
ARL
So, please suggest how best to inform this man that I no longer wish to have contact with him.
ARL
Sometimes we overthink how to do something to ease someone else's feelings.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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As you know ARL i wrote a letter, and i was warned that he would twist it to suit himself which he did. But it kinda cleared my head and made me feel better. do what makes you feel comfortable how he takes it is neither here or there. Finish it with a clear concience, and the knowlege that you did ALL that you could.
Here for you ARL
M x
Here for you ARL
M x
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
ARL, i believe an email would suffice. say whatever you need to say and get closure for yourself, whether or not he replies to it or even if you feel he'll use it against you. so what? you won't be talking to him anyway to hear what he has to say.
i wrote emails to mine after we broke up, thinking i was getting closure. i very rarely got any responses, but i did email a few weeks ago, saying everything i felt i needed to say for ME, and i felt a lot better afterwards. i tied up the loose ends and feel like i did something good for my mind and heart.
however you want to do it, make sure it's your own way and make sure you're not going to have the desire to keep going back to him to clear things up that you said or to try to get your point across another way. send one and be done!
i wrote emails to mine after we broke up, thinking i was getting closure. i very rarely got any responses, but i did email a few weeks ago, saying everything i felt i needed to say for ME, and i felt a lot better afterwards. i tied up the loose ends and feel like i did something good for my mind and heart.
however you want to do it, make sure it's your own way and make sure you're not going to have the desire to keep going back to him to clear things up that you said or to try to get your point across another way. send one and be done!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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I had an LDR with the xabf and chose to break up face to face for my own good as well as his.
It takes a REALLY strong stomach to do it face to face and may have caused more short term anguish but I think in the long run it was the right thing for me personally.
There are pros and cons to breaking up an LDR with an A face to face. Here are the pros for YOU as I see it:
1. I had decided by that point not to adapt what I did around the A's behavior. Easier said than done. However, if I were ending an LDR with a non-A, I would do it face to face out of respect to the person and the relationship we once had. Likewise, if any bf of any significant time were breaking up an LDR with me I would want him to do it in person for the same reasons. It sucks but all breakups are painful.
2. Breaking up and in person, IMHO, forces both people to move through the grieving process that much more quickly. You'll know you gave it every last chance. If you're harboring some hope that maybe you can work it out together, now is the time you'll find out. If not, then acknowledging the reasons why, getting each other's feedback, hearing the tone of voice, and seeing the body language really tells you that it's over.
3. I think having this last meeting is especially important in an LDR because in an LDR we tend to think of our loved one in happy times when we are together and have gotten used to associating being together in person with good times. You need to replace those fantasies with reality so it's helpful if your last visual is of this one. Some people even suggest doing it in the same place you first met if possible.
4. If you break up in person you can also hand him a letter like they do in interventions. You write down your reasons and your bottom line. This is for YOU just as much as for him. The A may not process the contents of the letter right then but I bet you'll remember his reaction when you see him read it.
5. After you give it a shot in person, you reiterate your bottom line by phone and finally the last time by email. If the A gets better and wants you back, believe me, you will know.
There are tons of cons but those are the pros. These are the reasons it could be good for YOU. It's really horrible at the time and, not good if you are still vulnerable or faint of heart. It would not be good you are still under his "spell" or if the A is physically abusive.
Do what's best for you and stay strong.
Cheyne
It takes a REALLY strong stomach to do it face to face and may have caused more short term anguish but I think in the long run it was the right thing for me personally.
There are pros and cons to breaking up an LDR with an A face to face. Here are the pros for YOU as I see it:
1. I had decided by that point not to adapt what I did around the A's behavior. Easier said than done. However, if I were ending an LDR with a non-A, I would do it face to face out of respect to the person and the relationship we once had. Likewise, if any bf of any significant time were breaking up an LDR with me I would want him to do it in person for the same reasons. It sucks but all breakups are painful.
2. Breaking up and in person, IMHO, forces both people to move through the grieving process that much more quickly. You'll know you gave it every last chance. If you're harboring some hope that maybe you can work it out together, now is the time you'll find out. If not, then acknowledging the reasons why, getting each other's feedback, hearing the tone of voice, and seeing the body language really tells you that it's over.
3. I think having this last meeting is especially important in an LDR because in an LDR we tend to think of our loved one in happy times when we are together and have gotten used to associating being together in person with good times. You need to replace those fantasies with reality so it's helpful if your last visual is of this one. Some people even suggest doing it in the same place you first met if possible.
4. If you break up in person you can also hand him a letter like they do in interventions. You write down your reasons and your bottom line. This is for YOU just as much as for him. The A may not process the contents of the letter right then but I bet you'll remember his reaction when you see him read it.
5. After you give it a shot in person, you reiterate your bottom line by phone and finally the last time by email. If the A gets better and wants you back, believe me, you will know.
There are tons of cons but those are the pros. These are the reasons it could be good for YOU. It's really horrible at the time and, not good if you are still vulnerable or faint of heart. It would not be good you are still under his "spell" or if the A is physically abusive.
Do what's best for you and stay strong.
Cheyne
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Thanks for that reply, Cheyne. I am replying to your post because you suggested an in-person finish and you give some very valid reasons despite the pain of the situation.
Don't know if this was a typo:
"if I were ending an LDR with a non-A, I would do it face to face out of respect to the person and the relationship we once had"
He is an A!!!!
Did your in-person break-up with your XABF work as you had hoped? Did it go smoothly and did he appear to understand that it really was finished?
Not sure if an in-person break-up is an option now. I am headed back to college in the fall and money is tight for me. ABF isn't physically abusive but, frankly, I would feel ill being around him...NOW!....and that is mainly because of that horrible lie he told me.
ARL
Don't know if this was a typo:
"if I were ending an LDR with a non-A, I would do it face to face out of respect to the person and the relationship we once had"
He is an A!!!!
Did your in-person break-up with your XABF work as you had hoped? Did it go smoothly and did he appear to understand that it really was finished?
Not sure if an in-person break-up is an option now. I am headed back to college in the fall and money is tight for me. ABF isn't physically abusive but, frankly, I would feel ill being around him...NOW!....and that is mainly because of that horrible lie he told me.
ARL
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Have you thought about writing the letter that you would want to send, but not sending it? I have found it helps to get stuff out of my head first before I do anything that may have repercussions. You could even post it here if you want to be heard, which I know is a big motivator.
I understand you wanting to "do the right thing" as far as not breaking up over the phone, however anything other than face to face could be classed as impersonal, I guess. It might help to play the tape to the end - what do you think might happen given any of your available courses of action? It has been said that is very hard to lose an alcoholic, and I found this to be true for many months. Many alcoholics have abandonment issues and as soon as you formally pull away, that's when the calls and emails start which is a real bind to deal with.
Personally, I would wait till he calls, then tell him "I can't live with this behaviour in my life anymore", then repeat it every time he calls thereafter. That's all he needs to know, and all he will understand if he is still drinking. He may not even get a message as clear as that.
I broke up with my ex in a counselling session. I listened to his justification of his latest binge and said "I can't do this anymore". Funnily enough, despite months of harrassment, I never had any desire to expand on that, because I was all talked out. He knew the score, so there was nothing else I could add.
Don't know if that helps - hope you find the way that's right for you.
I understand you wanting to "do the right thing" as far as not breaking up over the phone, however anything other than face to face could be classed as impersonal, I guess. It might help to play the tape to the end - what do you think might happen given any of your available courses of action? It has been said that is very hard to lose an alcoholic, and I found this to be true for many months. Many alcoholics have abandonment issues and as soon as you formally pull away, that's when the calls and emails start which is a real bind to deal with.
Personally, I would wait till he calls, then tell him "I can't live with this behaviour in my life anymore", then repeat it every time he calls thereafter. That's all he needs to know, and all he will understand if he is still drinking. He may not even get a message as clear as that.
I broke up with my ex in a counselling session. I listened to his justification of his latest binge and said "I can't do this anymore". Funnily enough, despite months of harrassment, I never had any desire to expand on that, because I was all talked out. He knew the score, so there was nothing else I could add.
Don't know if that helps - hope you find the way that's right for you.
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arl, i understand how you feel - my engagement was somewhat long distance as well. thank God he hadn't moved here yet...for so many reasons...anyway, trying to talk to him was pointless...i did end up writing several letters i never sent...it was suggested to me that i put the letters away and look at them again in a couple of weeks. it was good advice as i felt quite differently by then.
the letter i did end up sending was short, sweet, unemotional and to the point. i pointed out that as long as he chose to continue drinking, i would not be part of his life in any way. told him if/when he chose to stop for himself and was actively working a recovery program, we could talk. but only then. i closed the letter by letting him know i did miss him and love him very much and that i would always pray for him.
that was almost 3 mos. ago. he is still drinking.
do what feels right for you. if you think about it long enough, you will know what that is. best wishes.
the letter i did end up sending was short, sweet, unemotional and to the point. i pointed out that as long as he chose to continue drinking, i would not be part of his life in any way. told him if/when he chose to stop for himself and was actively working a recovery program, we could talk. but only then. i closed the letter by letting him know i did miss him and love him very much and that i would always pray for him.
that was almost 3 mos. ago. he is still drinking.
do what feels right for you. if you think about it long enough, you will know what that is. best wishes.
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I'm probably considered a cold b*tch by my XBFs. I always drug the relationship out longer than I should have. So by the time I wanted out, it was long overdue. At that point, once I knew I was going to end it, I never even wanted to spend another minute explaining why. It was a done deal. I was outta there, adios.
In fact, the last time I broke up with somebody, I was supposed to go to his house for dinner. I parked my car at the top of the driveway and left the engine on. I went to the front door, said, "It's over". He started crying and asked for a hug. I gave him one and then left. I was finished!!!
I mean really, at this point, why burden yourself thinking about him anymore. Why give him ammo to twist around. why stress yourself out doing it face to face or over the phone. He'll want explanations, he'll get upset, you'll want to comfort him, it'll get drawn out.
I'd send him a simple email. Granted, this time I would say a few more words than "It's over". I might even throw in a "goodbye".
In fact, the last time I broke up with somebody, I was supposed to go to his house for dinner. I parked my car at the top of the driveway and left the engine on. I went to the front door, said, "It's over". He started crying and asked for a hug. I gave him one and then left. I was finished!!!
I mean really, at this point, why burden yourself thinking about him anymore. Why give him ammo to twist around. why stress yourself out doing it face to face or over the phone. He'll want explanations, he'll get upset, you'll want to comfort him, it'll get drawn out.
I'd send him a simple email. Granted, this time I would say a few more words than "It's over". I might even throw in a "goodbye".
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The Email
Here is what I think I should send. Your comments are appreciated. I have tried to be as objective as possible and tried not to leave any "openings" for him to weasle through:
It's been a week since you telephoned me with your "confession" and since then I have had a lot of time to think about what you told me and put everything into context. I have been very alone with my thoughts because I have kept your secret to myself. In other words, nobody else knows including the boys. And, I want you to know that I kept your secret out of respect for our friendship.
Sadly, until such a time as you have stopped drinking alcohol and are seriously working a programme to heal yourself, I no longer wish to remain in contact with you. I am afraid that your lie to me about being in detox when you were actually arrested for DUI is, at this point, the straw which broke the camel's back. Committed relationships, like friendships, are based on honesty and reciprocal trust.
I regret that we have to sever contact via this medium because it feels very impersonal but I know of no other way right now. I will send you a money order to cover shipping any bits and pieces you wish to return to me. Is there anything I have here which you would like returned?
I'm sorry. I will keep you in my prayers and treasure what we had.
Love,
ARL
It's been a week since you telephoned me with your "confession" and since then I have had a lot of time to think about what you told me and put everything into context. I have been very alone with my thoughts because I have kept your secret to myself. In other words, nobody else knows including the boys. And, I want you to know that I kept your secret out of respect for our friendship.
Sadly, until such a time as you have stopped drinking alcohol and are seriously working a programme to heal yourself, I no longer wish to remain in contact with you. I am afraid that your lie to me about being in detox when you were actually arrested for DUI is, at this point, the straw which broke the camel's back. Committed relationships, like friendships, are based on honesty and reciprocal trust.
I regret that we have to sever contact via this medium because it feels very impersonal but I know of no other way right now. I will send you a money order to cover shipping any bits and pieces you wish to return to me. Is there anything I have here which you would like returned?
I'm sorry. I will keep you in my prayers and treasure what we had.
Love,
ARL
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I think that's a straightforward, unemotional goodbye letter that is appropriate. Have you changed your phone number? Can you block his calls if you don't change your number? Can you block his emails if he starts bombarding you? As you've probably read here, saying goodbye often leads an A to escalate his contact in the hopes of maintaining any semblance of control over the partner.
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I wouldn't inform him of anything. You can come to develop your own convictions about it and walk away. Closure will come on your terms and futher contact would just prolong it, complicate it and require a bunch of conversations that don't really benefit you in your new single life at all. Ten years from now, you will still be leaving and he will still be promising that he's told his last lie. It's a circle. Break it and walk.
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I think writing things, even if we do talk is helpful. There can be confusion about what was said, but when it is written down, the other can see concretely what was said and what was meant.
The last time for me, altho' it wasn't a really serious relationship, but I still have a need to be honest, I just phoned and said I was going to be seeing other people.
The last time for me, altho' it wasn't a really serious relationship, but I still have a need to be honest, I just phoned and said I was going to be seeing other people.
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Hey (((Lady))),
Good for you! This is tough and you are taking a stand for YOU.
Here's my opinion:
If you feel you need to let him know you are breaking ties, I would make it short, sweet, and factual. If you truely want a clean break, I would leave out opinions and how you feel about his drinking, etc. Your point is not to convince him you are right, but to inform him it is over.
Basically:
I have needs that aren't being met in this relationship. I am chosing to end this without your consent. I apologize this is not in person. I do not want to discuss this with you or be contacted by you. Any attempts to do so will be perceived as a disregard of my boundary.
It sounds harsh, but I'm just calling it like I see it.
Hugs to you Lady
Good for you! This is tough and you are taking a stand for YOU.
Here's my opinion:
If you feel you need to let him know you are breaking ties, I would make it short, sweet, and factual. If you truely want a clean break, I would leave out opinions and how you feel about his drinking, etc. Your point is not to convince him you are right, but to inform him it is over.
Basically:
I have needs that aren't being met in this relationship. I am chosing to end this without your consent. I apologize this is not in person. I do not want to discuss this with you or be contacted by you. Any attempts to do so will be perceived as a disregard of my boundary.
It sounds harsh, but I'm just calling it like I see it.
Hugs to you Lady
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Thank you for all your feedback.
I am still sitting on this for another 48 hours. I think my preference is almost Mallowcup's clean break idea but then I would know that I hadn't told STBXABF and I would feel "dishonest". We were exclusive.
Cagefree's suggestion really does eliminate anything to do with his drinking and my feelings about it although I am not sure I agree with "choosing to end this without your consent". He has no say as to whether or not I stay in or leave the relationship.
Regarding his ability to continue contact. I will not change my phone number but I do have caller ID and voice mail. I can send his emails straight to the recycle bin. I already have a new MSN account.
Maybe I will just forget about the stuff he has which belongs to me....nothing too special. That way there is no more reason to have contact.
ARL
I am still sitting on this for another 48 hours. I think my preference is almost Mallowcup's clean break idea but then I would know that I hadn't told STBXABF and I would feel "dishonest". We were exclusive.
Cagefree's suggestion really does eliminate anything to do with his drinking and my feelings about it although I am not sure I agree with "choosing to end this without your consent". He has no say as to whether or not I stay in or leave the relationship.
Regarding his ability to continue contact. I will not change my phone number but I do have caller ID and voice mail. I can send his emails straight to the recycle bin. I already have a new MSN account.
Maybe I will just forget about the stuff he has which belongs to me....nothing too special. That way there is no more reason to have contact.
ARL
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"Maybe I will just forget about the stuff he has which belongs to me....nothing too special. That way there is no more reason to have contact."
I'm in the same boat as you right now actually. My ex lied about quitting drinking 3 times, I went through the rehab process with him....plus we were long distance for 2 years (3 total together). (The whole story is in posts a few months back, if you're curious)
3 months after his rehab, I thought we were good, things were working out. He was going to come visit me for a weekend, when I realized I just didn't want him to. I had met new friends and found new things to do, and I felt HAPPY. I realized he wasn't making me happy at all. I didn't trust him....even in his sobriety I was in 'monitoring mode'.
I called him and broke up with him over the phone. I kept it short, we both knew the issues we had, and I wasn't going to rehash them. It has been 2 months, and there has only been one phone call and an angry instant message from him. I can't control his reaction to this, but I can take control of my happiness.
I'm wondering why I didn't do this sooner...it was my gut reaction but I ignored myself. I don't want back the things he has of mine, I can replace books and movies. I'm mailing back a few important things I have of his....so no contact needed.
Breaking it off by email/phone when its an LDR I think is best...my trust is gone and we will never be friends, I am not spending money to see him in person and 'explain myself'. Think of it this way, only friends that show you respect deserve your personal attention...this man disregarded your love and respect, treat him as such.
As far as feeling dishonest, I can understand that too, its not odd. You can physically end a relationship, but emotionally it will take a bit longer. Sounds like you have the golden rule, do right by others ideal going for you....just make sure you don't let your consideration for his feelings outweigh yours at this point. Sure, tell him its 'over', but don't let that stop you from talking to other guys. Sounds like you knew in your head a while ago this was over for sure.
I'm in the same boat as you right now actually. My ex lied about quitting drinking 3 times, I went through the rehab process with him....plus we were long distance for 2 years (3 total together). (The whole story is in posts a few months back, if you're curious)
3 months after his rehab, I thought we were good, things were working out. He was going to come visit me for a weekend, when I realized I just didn't want him to. I had met new friends and found new things to do, and I felt HAPPY. I realized he wasn't making me happy at all. I didn't trust him....even in his sobriety I was in 'monitoring mode'.
I called him and broke up with him over the phone. I kept it short, we both knew the issues we had, and I wasn't going to rehash them. It has been 2 months, and there has only been one phone call and an angry instant message from him. I can't control his reaction to this, but I can take control of my happiness.
I'm wondering why I didn't do this sooner...it was my gut reaction but I ignored myself. I don't want back the things he has of mine, I can replace books and movies. I'm mailing back a few important things I have of his....so no contact needed.
Breaking it off by email/phone when its an LDR I think is best...my trust is gone and we will never be friends, I am not spending money to see him in person and 'explain myself'. Think of it this way, only friends that show you respect deserve your personal attention...this man disregarded your love and respect, treat him as such.
As far as feeling dishonest, I can understand that too, its not odd. You can physically end a relationship, but emotionally it will take a bit longer. Sounds like you have the golden rule, do right by others ideal going for you....just make sure you don't let your consideration for his feelings outweigh yours at this point. Sure, tell him its 'over', but don't let that stop you from talking to other guys. Sounds like you knew in your head a while ago this was over for sure.
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Originally Posted by ARealLady
Thank you for all your feedback.
I am still sitting on this for another 48 hours. I think my preference is almost Mallowcup's clean break idea but then I would know that I hadn't told STBXABF and I would feel "dishonest". We were exclusive.
Cagefree's suggestion really does eliminate anything to do with his drinking and my feelings about it although I am not sure I agree with "choosing to end this without your consent". He has no say as to whether or not I stay in or leave the relationship.
Regarding his ability to continue contact. I will not change my phone number but I do have caller ID and voice mail. I can send his emails straight to the recycle bin. I already have a new MSN account.
Maybe I will just forget about the stuff he has which belongs to me....nothing too special. That way there is no more reason to have contact.
ARL
I am still sitting on this for another 48 hours. I think my preference is almost Mallowcup's clean break idea but then I would know that I hadn't told STBXABF and I would feel "dishonest". We were exclusive.
Cagefree's suggestion really does eliminate anything to do with his drinking and my feelings about it although I am not sure I agree with "choosing to end this without your consent". He has no say as to whether or not I stay in or leave the relationship.
Regarding his ability to continue contact. I will not change my phone number but I do have caller ID and voice mail. I can send his emails straight to the recycle bin. I already have a new MSN account.
Maybe I will just forget about the stuff he has which belongs to me....nothing too special. That way there is no more reason to have contact.
ARL
But what I must add in about this comment you made
I would feel "dishonest". We were exclusive.
RealLady
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