AH's show of empathy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
AH's show of empathy
We were having a deep discussion last weekend. I was trying to be honest, and told him that I struggle with self-esteem issues. And that in my worst moments, I wonder who would want to be with me. I don't know why I revealed that much to him. I seem to be bursting at the seams right now since acknowledging to myself that I have hid my feelings for so long.
He replied, "I'm good looking and I want to be with you."
WHAT????? I thought, "You drunk fool, you've been putting me down years!! What the hell does looks have to do with anything?" How clueless could he possibly be?
As IF his looks offset his drinking, or dealing with his psycho mother, or putting up with hate from his stepdaughters. Made me want to puke and laugh at the same time.
Next time I'm feeling down, I'll just prop up a picture of my husband and stare at it until I feel better.
He replied, "I'm good looking and I want to be with you."
WHAT????? I thought, "You drunk fool, you've been putting me down years!! What the hell does looks have to do with anything?" How clueless could he possibly be?
As IF his looks offset his drinking, or dealing with his psycho mother, or putting up with hate from his stepdaughters. Made me want to puke and laugh at the same time.
Next time I'm feeling down, I'll just prop up a picture of my husband and stare at it until I feel better.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Ah, the mind of a self centered alcoholic, it just goes with the territory, me, me, I,I.
You want compassion, you want understanding? Don't bother trying to talk to him, talk to us, we are here for you.
Keep your sense of humor, it does help!
You want compassion, you want understanding? Don't bother trying to talk to him, talk to us, we are here for you.
Keep your sense of humor, it does help!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
*As IF his looks offset his drinking"
I heard something like this the other evening, last time I spoke to STBXABF when he confessed his lie and admitted the DUI. The day after the last time we spoke he was going to a wedding and proceeded to tell me item by item what he was wearing. He then said that the wedding was a "dress rehearsal" (What???) for his upcoming court appearance and jury trial for the DUI. I suggested that judge and jury might be more impressed to hear testimony that he was attending AA 3X per day than how good he looked in his new suit.
Thinking back there has been a lot of talk from ABF about his looks, aging and longevity. Maybe he knows he's killing himself slowly and he is trying to reassure himself. Maybe he actually believes he sees a handsome dude in the mirror! He looks like hell and I bet that's why the constable who stopped him dragged him in for a breathalyzer test.
ARL
I heard something like this the other evening, last time I spoke to STBXABF when he confessed his lie and admitted the DUI. The day after the last time we spoke he was going to a wedding and proceeded to tell me item by item what he was wearing. He then said that the wedding was a "dress rehearsal" (What???) for his upcoming court appearance and jury trial for the DUI. I suggested that judge and jury might be more impressed to hear testimony that he was attending AA 3X per day than how good he looked in his new suit.
Thinking back there has been a lot of talk from ABF about his looks, aging and longevity. Maybe he knows he's killing himself slowly and he is trying to reassure himself. Maybe he actually believes he sees a handsome dude in the mirror! He looks like hell and I bet that's why the constable who stopped him dragged him in for a breathalyzer test.
ARL
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
When my boyfriend was actively drinking he was incapable of showing anybody empathy. His lack of empathy is not about you--it's about him. What you're lacking is not empathy from him or others. You're lacking empathy for yourself. Alanon, books on codependency, and this forum helped me to understand that.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Alcoholism and/or drug addiction = chemically induced INSANITY
Clearly it is worthless to try to reason with or expect much logic or normalcy.
May I suggest you rent Borat on dvd and laugh a little and forget about the mental ward patient.
Clearly it is worthless to try to reason with or expect much logic or normalcy.
May I suggest you rent Borat on dvd and laugh a little and forget about the mental ward patient.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
respek, you are treading on dangerous ground when you reveal your vulnerability to an active A. They will use it on your to cause hurt at the moment you least expect it. I would suggest you take all of this into an Al-Anon meeting, where nothing you say will be judged or used against you. It's a safe haven.
Just remind yourself that your expectations of getting rational responses aren't going to be met while he's active.
Just remind yourself that your expectations of getting rational responses aren't going to be met while he's active.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by prodigal 
respek, you are treading on dangerous ground when you reveal your vulnerability to an active A. They will use it on your to cause hurt at the moment you least expect it. I would suggest you take all of this into an Al-Anon meeting, where nothing you say will be judged or used against you. It's a safe haven.
Agreed. When I started setting boundaries, XABF became threatened and took it personally. So, to take attention from him, he turned on my vulnerabilities that I had disclosed to him and took my inventory.
As everyone knows - I don't talk to him anymore.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i used to be reminded constantly by xh what a catch he was and how lucky i was to have him. he sure thought so, at least. and i did too.....in the beginning.
later, as he stood snarling this same sentiment in my face, reeking of alcohol, and verbally abusing me, i would think my good catch was so lost in the addiction that he could not see the real truth.
i stopped trying to look to him for support, because he was not capable of giving it. he was sick, and what he said to me, was making me sick, too.
i turned to al-anon and this forum. it has worked a miracle in my life.
best to you
jeri
later, as he stood snarling this same sentiment in my face, reeking of alcohol, and verbally abusing me, i would think my good catch was so lost in the addiction that he could not see the real truth.
i stopped trying to look to him for support, because he was not capable of giving it. he was sick, and what he said to me, was making me sick, too.
i turned to al-anon and this forum. it has worked a miracle in my life.
best to you
jeri
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Empathy for YOU!
FD stated it well as did everyone on this thread! But I like how she stated "you lack empathy for you"
Alcoholics suffer from an illness that stops them seeing their real condition (denial)
As for "Empathy" if he was in a program and sticking to it then it is possible that you would show him empathy! In the meantime learn to show yourself that empathy-I found that Al-Anon is one of my "safe places" and unfortunate my counselor until my XABF decided to go to her was my other. (For 9 years)
See it is "All about me" in the eyes of the alcoholic-and it will continue to be that way so try to have any kind of talk or writing letters to them they will not see it this is what they see or hear:
QUACK QUACK QUACK if it is not about them they do not want to hear it. And they will attack you when they know you are vulnerable. With you giving him any kind of emotion on your feelings that is giving them a WIDE OPEN chance to attack you any which way that they can. They hear you.....they just do not listen. It is a waste of your own energy-I rather spend my energy on myself or my friends, SR i.e anyone that knows how to listen as I do to them!
I use to write letters, turn blue in the face, get headaches, feel sick like I was going to "puke" until I stopped dead in my tracks one day and said wait this behavor is not getting me anywhere-I had to learn to change it and when I began to do that-he began as others stated on here to take it personally and started to try to Sabotage my recovery! Hence why I started over and over and over until I finally learned to stick to it being about ME and NOT HIM-.
Stop giving out anything to him, come in here to SR when you feel you want to get anything off your chest, we listen, we care and will give you compassion, empathy and integrity!
Let those feelings out that you have been hiding for so long in a nice Al-Anon meeting as suggested or find a counselor! And keep posting here at SR!
((((respektingme)))))
Alcoholics suffer from an illness that stops them seeing their real condition (denial)
As for "Empathy" if he was in a program and sticking to it then it is possible that you would show him empathy! In the meantime learn to show yourself that empathy-I found that Al-Anon is one of my "safe places" and unfortunate my counselor until my XABF decided to go to her was my other. (For 9 years)
See it is "All about me" in the eyes of the alcoholic-and it will continue to be that way so try to have any kind of talk or writing letters to them they will not see it this is what they see or hear:
QUACK QUACK QUACK if it is not about them they do not want to hear it. And they will attack you when they know you are vulnerable. With you giving him any kind of emotion on your feelings that is giving them a WIDE OPEN chance to attack you any which way that they can. They hear you.....they just do not listen. It is a waste of your own energy-I rather spend my energy on myself or my friends, SR i.e anyone that knows how to listen as I do to them!
I use to write letters, turn blue in the face, get headaches, feel sick like I was going to "puke" until I stopped dead in my tracks one day and said wait this behavor is not getting me anywhere-I had to learn to change it and when I began to do that-he began as others stated on here to take it personally and started to try to Sabotage my recovery! Hence why I started over and over and over until I finally learned to stick to it being about ME and NOT HIM-.
Stop giving out anything to him, come in here to SR when you feel you want to get anything off your chest, we listen, we care and will give you compassion, empathy and integrity!
Let those feelings out that you have been hiding for so long in a nice Al-Anon meeting as suggested or find a counselor! And keep posting here at SR!
((((respektingme)))))
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
How well I have learned to not reveal vulnerabilities. I can totally understand why we do. We LOVE these people...we want them to love us back....and we want to open up to them because we hope they'll open up back...we want them to see how we see the relationship...we long for what we once had with them, even if it really never was anything else and we were blinded by the newness of the relationship...
For many of us, they are our only "friend". They have alienated all of our other friends we had before the marriage or relationship because of their frequent outbursts, drunken stupors and the continuous drama that they have to create to be in the center of attention. So we feel it's natural to tell them our secrets because they are "our mate" but it always comes back on us.
For many of us, they are our only "friend". They have alienated all of our other friends we had before the marriage or relationship because of their frequent outbursts, drunken stupors and the continuous drama that they have to create to be in the center of attention. So we feel it's natural to tell them our secrets because they are "our mate" but it always comes back on us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i found that my xah was too sick to be good, considerate, kind, or nurturing to himself.......it still blows my mind that i thought he could be thee other productive half of a good, solid marriage. how could he treat me with dignity and respect, when he was being so destructive to himself?
he ended up treatly me as badly as he treated himself.
he ended up treatly me as badly as he treated himself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 15
thank you thank you thank you!!! i thought i was the only one that had someone like this. it makes it soooo much easier to deal with knowing that this is common among As. yesterday when he came to pick up some clothes, he got out of the cab and first thing he did was take his shirt off. ( he thinks hes adonis) i threw his bag down off the balcony and went back in without even looking at him.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
When I look back, I can clearly see how R fished for the information he needed to use at a later date. In fact, in some bizarre way, I actively supplied it - I remember asking him to do some Cosmo-type quiz where we revealed a lot of personal info to each other. Of course, his answers were, in hindsight, BS. Strangely, he was so attuned to pick up the the other clues, that when he used the obvious info, I could see it for what it was and then it was like water off a duck's back. I would hesitate to reveal your vulnerabilities to an active drinker, because they will perhaps test just how vulnerable you are and how much you will put up with. And that's not pretty.
Your husband's response was pretty narcissistic - a common trait among active alcoholics, among others. I found that reading about the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder a great help and there are some wonderful forums out there for those who are dealing with people with that disorder which I think might be worth a glance for those of you dealing with this kind of behaviour.
Your husband's response was pretty narcissistic - a common trait among active alcoholics, among others. I found that reading about the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder a great help and there are some wonderful forums out there for those who are dealing with people with that disorder which I think might be worth a glance for those of you dealing with this kind of behaviour.
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