? regarding co-dependency
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
? regarding co-dependency
Is everyone who is involved with an addict automatically co-dependent? I know a lot of the time they go hand-in-hand but I didn't think it was a given. What qualifies you as co-dependent? I really don't have time to read another book right now or I'd read about it myself (I love to read). Just the cliff notes if anyone cares to share. Thanks.
Jenny
Jenny
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
from dictionary.com
co-de·pen·dent or co·de·pen·dent (kō'dĭ-pěn'dənt)
adj.
1) Mutually dependent.
2) Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
n. One who is co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship.
So I guess the qualifier is exactly how unhealthy you are! LOL!!! Me? I consider myself slightly unhealthy prone to exhibit care taking/rescuing tendencies (if not careful) when partnered with an addict type personality or a one of my sons... So what's that called? Co-de-pushover?
co-de·pen·dent or co·de·pen·dent (kō'dĭ-pěn'dənt)
adj.
1) Mutually dependent.
2) Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
n. One who is co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship.
So I guess the qualifier is exactly how unhealthy you are! LOL!!! Me? I consider myself slightly unhealthy prone to exhibit care taking/rescuing tendencies (if not careful) when partnered with an addict type personality or a one of my sons... So what's that called? Co-de-pushover?
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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I don't know if you're automatically codependant, but I know I attract what I put out. Cast out unhealthy bait, I'll pull in a sick fish. Here's a brief history of my partners:
GF #1- Cocaine addict
GF #2- Cocaine & marijuana addict
GF #3- Cocaine addict
Wife #1- Alcoholic & addict
GF #4- Alcoholic
Wife #2- Codie
What qualifies me? Just about every one of the items on this list that I often share-
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
GF #1- Cocaine addict
GF #2- Cocaine & marijuana addict
GF #3- Cocaine addict
Wife #1- Alcoholic & addict
GF #4- Alcoholic
Wife #2- Codie
What qualifies me? Just about every one of the items on this list that I often share-
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I think in my case (might be my denial,who knows? 
) the "dance" and co-dependency was progressive along with the progression of the disease. JMHO
Some people I have no trouble keeping boundaries with; some are harder...the closer the relationship (ie.spouse,children) the harder it is.
) the "dance" and co-dependency was progressive along with the progression of the disease. JMHOSome people I have no trouble keeping boundaries with; some are harder...the closer the relationship (ie.spouse,children) the harder it is.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
What a great response, Astro! My god, I see myself in almost every description, especially low self esteem and compliance. I don't know how many times I've been described as "extremely loyal"--urgh!
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Astro - Thanks for posting that information.
So in reading that helpful list above, I don't see too much of myself in the list. A little in the Control Pattern, try to convince others of how they should feel. Mostly my A who is in complete denial of his feelings when I say them but actually verbalizes them on his own, like how guilty he is about everything all the time (he's even guilty that I'm in Al-Anon) but then denies it when I point out that he feels that way (he's the one who said it, I'm not just pulling it out of thin air) And in the compliance pattern the first one about compromising my own integrity and values to avoid rejection and others' anger. I have done that before and I work on it daily. I was probably a lot more of those things on that list in the past but have done therapy so have become aware and worked on them. Still do. I guess I'm really not co-dependent. Although the definition of the word would surely suggest I am. Here's the thing. I am with my ABF because I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I became pregnant (not planned). We decided to keep the baby (me not knowing there was a problem but still putting myself in a risky situation because we didn't know each other for long). If it weren't for our daughter, I would have been out of there a long time ago. I have a soft spot for my children and coming from a divorced family, I find it hard to separate. If I feel that I or she is being compromised, we will go. For now I'm just working the program (which I am really new to) and hoping he will see the light and get help. If he doesn't by the time I am financially and mentally able to leave, then I'll go. I am not ready yet. She's not even a year old and we just moved last August into this house. Moving takes so much strength and I just don't have it right now. Even thinking about it is exhausting to me. I know I am not mentally ready. But I am a strong person and I will get there. Thanks for listening.
Jenny
So in reading that helpful list above, I don't see too much of myself in the list. A little in the Control Pattern, try to convince others of how they should feel. Mostly my A who is in complete denial of his feelings when I say them but actually verbalizes them on his own, like how guilty he is about everything all the time (he's even guilty that I'm in Al-Anon) but then denies it when I point out that he feels that way (he's the one who said it, I'm not just pulling it out of thin air) And in the compliance pattern the first one about compromising my own integrity and values to avoid rejection and others' anger. I have done that before and I work on it daily. I was probably a lot more of those things on that list in the past but have done therapy so have become aware and worked on them. Still do. I guess I'm really not co-dependent. Although the definition of the word would surely suggest I am. Here's the thing. I am with my ABF because I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I became pregnant (not planned). We decided to keep the baby (me not knowing there was a problem but still putting myself in a risky situation because we didn't know each other for long). If it weren't for our daughter, I would have been out of there a long time ago. I have a soft spot for my children and coming from a divorced family, I find it hard to separate. If I feel that I or she is being compromised, we will go. For now I'm just working the program (which I am really new to) and hoping he will see the light and get help. If he doesn't by the time I am financially and mentally able to leave, then I'll go. I am not ready yet. She's not even a year old and we just moved last August into this house. Moving takes so much strength and I just don't have it right now. Even thinking about it is exhausting to me. I know I am not mentally ready. But I am a strong person and I will get there. Thanks for listening.
Jenny
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Originally Posted by sunshine321 
So in reading that helpful list above, I don't see too much of myself in the list.
There's only one person who knows for sure that I'm an alcoholic. That would be me.
The first time I heard that list read I identified with only a few things, the second time it was read my eyes were opened to more.
When I came into AA and was faced with the 12 Steps I didn't think I had any character defects so I was a special person who didn't need to work those Steps like everyone else. After doing my Fourth Step I found I could identify with almost every one of these-
1. Self Pity 11. Impatience
2. Self Justification 12. Resentment
3. Self Importance 13. Hate
4. Self Condemnation 14. Enviousness
5. Criticizing 15. Jealousy
6. Negative Thinking 16. Laziness
7. Vulgar Immoral Thinking 17. Lying
8. Insensitivity 18. Gossiping
9. Procrastination 19. Selfishness
10. Dishonesty 20. Fear
(That's just a sample of the list I used for my inventory)
I face these and work on them daily, my recovery is a lifelong journey.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Jazzman
So I guess the qualifier is exactly how unhealthy you are! LOL!!! Me? I consider myself slightly unhealthy prone to exhibit care taking/rescuing tendencies (if not careful) when partnered with an addict type personality or a one of my sons... So what's that called? Co-de-pushover?
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