Siouxz2

I apologize in advance for the length of this post, and I appreciate whoever stays with it till the end.

I come from a very alcoholic family. Mom right now is end-stage, living in another state. I have FINALLY seen how sick I am in relation to her disease, and have greatly reduced contact with her and stopped the drama dance.

I saw myself going the same route as her and quit drinking almost 3 years ago. I was still very high-functioning (4.0 student, etc.).

Almost as soon as I quit drinking, though, my husband seemed to take the reins from me. Over the past 3 years, his drinking has gotten worse and worse, to the point where no one wants to "hang out" with him because he becomes a loud-mouth, profane jerk who thinks he is God's gift to comedy. He holed himself up in his office (locked door) and with his increased drinking became addicted to on-line porn and eventually had an on-line affair for about a year, which I found out about approx. 4 months ago.

He admitted he was an alcoholic and promised no further contact with the woman. We went to a few counseling sessions, but he barely participated. Just said he's very sorry he hurt me. Wanted things to "get back to normal" before he would ask for my forgiveness (HUH??????)

Fast-forward two months. He gets sh*t-faced bigtime and passes out in his computer chair with the door open and an email to the other woman on the screen. I woke him up to confront him (duh!). This was the very first time in 24 years of marriage that I was physically afraid of him. He tried to push me out of his room, so I left before it could escalate.

Next day, he doesn't remember anything, but is apologetic. Promises to stop drinking and contacting the woman. He did stop drinking completely (AFAIK), but there was no remorse, no trying to win back my trust. It was as if nothing had happened between us.

I worked overnight this past weekend, and he told me he went to the bar with his sister and had one beer with her. WHY?????? He's seen all the misery I have gone through with my mom. He knows our relationship is in tatters right now. Why would he risk our marriage for ONE LOUSY BEER???

I am beginning to put some $$ away for just in case, so I won't be caught flat-footed if everything goes belly-up. He refuses to go to AA, say's he'll just quit, although he thinks he can get to a point where he can drink socially again.

This website has been my lifeline the last week or so. So now what?

P.S. Wow! Now that I have this all written down, things seem a lot clearer to me. I have to prepare for a possible future without him. What a waste. This man was the absolute love of my life for over 25 years.

planet

WOW i just seen my life 25 years from now. My AH drinks constantly. He can quit without help(per him) and plans on drinking only socially. He does the passing out. I am new here also and I wish I had the answers for you. The best thing you can do it put the money up and prepare. If he is drinking I would not confront him or argue with him. It will get you no where. If you think he could be abusive then you should get out of thay situation. It is not healthy. I hope this helps.

WantsOut

Last summer I kicked out my AH. He was the same - once he was sober for five months and I was overjoyed. He relapsed and I was devestated. He traded Us for Budwiser.

I'm just now coming out of a phase of debliitating guilt. I hope you find your way too.

denny57

Glad you posted, Siouxz2 - it does help to see it in black and white. Much like the alcoholic's mind tells him or her they can drink responsibly, mine kept telling me my situation was not so bad. When I began journaling about it, it became much more difficult to live in denial.

I was with AH for 18 years. Been going through a divorce for a year and a half. Something that dawned on me the other day: the number of years we were together just doesn't seem that big anymore. I feel so good about where life is headed I don't have time to dwell on the past.

Keep posting!

Rella927

Siouxz2

Glad you posted here too! And Denny is so right about the years-eventually it does not seem like that big anymore after awhile.

Mine traded me for scotch! (Great analogy WantsOut)

I too had a father that was an A and have a brother who is one as well. I have come to realize that consuming myself in what they think feel about how they are affecting those around them really does not matter to them-what matters to me is me!

I feel by you starting to put that nest egg away-is concern for you and how it should be! That is a wonderful start!

No need to apologize for posting long that is what the forum is here for!

And P.S. I'm sure our A's in here can validate this-"One beer" is just not in the vocabulary when dealing with alcoholism

aztchr

Mine told me it wasn't that bad either, it could be worse and he'd give examples.

Well, I decided it could be better, too, but only without him, so I had to make it better for myself.

parentrecovers

it's nice to meet you, siouxz - my daughter is an addict/alcoholic in early recovery and alanon/private counseling really help me. keep posting, k

Astro

Actually Rella, it was a huge part of my drinking vocabulary. One beer to me was a Heineken mini-keg, the equivalent of about 12-16 beers. The word "one" does not specify size/quantity. And was it Lay's or Ruffles potato chips that used to advertise "betcha can't eat just one" or something like that? I went through MANY periods where I tried to moderate my drinking, nursed a scotch on the rocks, or drank NA beer like water, and every time I returned to daily alcoholic drinking with a vengeance. It got worse every time.

Here's a little head game I played with myself the last few months I drank. Beer wasn't doing the trick anymore, so I was hitting the liquor cabinet when I got home from work. In an effort to moderate I told myself I'd finish the opened bottles, and wouldn't crack the seals on the new bottles I replaced them with. The last day I drank I was down to the vermouth, and I was mixing it with lemonade to make it taste better.

So far I haven't met any alcoholics who can drink one beer socially after being active in this disease. I'm a pickle, and can never be a cucumber again.

Rella927

I gotcha Astro! I maybe worded it wrong I'm a tad tired today-you know what I meant though! I probably should have said it is part of the vocabulary just not something they can physically do? Kind of like when the cop says "Have you been drinking" "Yes sir" how many drinks did you have? "Only ONE"

Thank you for sharing this Astro-and sorry about the brain fart! I do that ONCE in awhile!

sunshine321

I love when recovering alcoholics give their thoughts and opinions. It's nice to hear it from the horse's mouth, from a person who isn't just bsing themselves and everyone around them. There is something to be said for honesty.

Jenny