justjo

AS has been in rehab for one month. My eldest son 24 was looking after the pup and her house. Last week my son came home for tea and stayed the night. AS rang and he answer my phone. She was looking for my son and wanted to know where the dog was. He told her the pup was fine, fed and bathed and he had left it outside in the kennel. Well, she blew up and told him that her dog wasnt to be treated that way and arrived the next day and picked it up. She took it back to rehab with her. Her daughter rang me tonight to tell me while AS went out for a while the pup got out the front door and was hit by a car.
NOW, I cant reach her, she has left rehab with some guy she met there and I am worried sick. She wont answer her phone either. I know I cant do anything at this stage but now I feel bad again for her and worried. My son is still at her house and Im wondering whether to suggest he comes back home?
Any advise ...

Mr. Christian

Yes I have some.
Both you and your son should get to Alanon and to some meetings.
Stop being involved in her life and get on with your own.

denny57

(((justjo))) She doesn't sound ready; I'm sorry you're going through it. Why does your son need to be there?

Spiritual Seeker

does not sound like she's ready for recovery today. Though difficult, our trick is to live what is and get out of the worry + fear/ What is has to be okay bec when we argue w/ reality that is when we get sad and worried etc. Can you get busy with your own life and stay out of her sandbox? I do support my son the times he is in rehab. When he is not, and still an addict living a crazy life, I just listen when he use to call. I don't try to fix anything anymore, w/ him I know the crushing blow when we believe the Miracle of recovery is finally here and then in reality maybe it isn't. I feel for you. Take care.

justjo

Mmmm, get out of her life?? Not sure If I can stop contact completely. I definitely do not dabble in her life. I dont tell her what to do, or how to do it. I accept what is, I guess when she decided to go back to rehab, I saw it as supporting her. Heck, I must of been wrong again.
My son decided to stay at her house to look after things, cos no one else could look after the dog. Wrong again!
I suppose its that hope that just maybe this time in rehab she just might make it, not having the worry of an empty house and giving the dog away. Wrong again.
I am one of the busiest people so Its not like I have time for all of this. Stupid me has an alcoholic sister and I just seem not to be able to let go. Yes you are right the fear of loosing her.
Now I have just said all of that to myself, I have already lost her, so what am I doing??? Im a dummy.

Barbara52

Justjo, you are not a dummy. You are a person dealing with difficult circumstances the best you can.

Try figuring out what you want and acting to accomplish that.

MsPINKAcres

Justjo - no name calling! you are not a dummy - you are a person who cares deeply for someone who is in the active part of her disease. You were trying to help the best way that you could - but maybe you could see that there maybe another way.

Take some time for You - try to attend some Al-Anon meetings, read some recovery literature and seek the support of recovery friends.

If you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you have always gotten - so what could it hurt to try something different.

Wishing you Serenity & joy,
Rita

denny57

(((justjo))) You're no dummy

Letting go is not abandoning. It's the small steps at first. Maybe try not to think of it as letting go of your sister, but as letting go of what you think will save her - the house sitting, predicting what she is worrying about that is keeping her drinking, etc. Let go of expectations. Let go of thinking you know what is best for her to find sobriety. But you do NOT need to let go - or turn your back on - your sister.

If and when you do hear from her, how about another coffee date?

parentrecovers

i'm sorry, justso. you've done so much already. maybe it's just time to take care of YOU for awhile? blessings, k

justjo

I know all of you are so right. I never thought of it the way you put it - Letting go is not abandoning her!! You are right. I make big decisions everyday in my job and yet when it comes to her, Im a big softy. I am intelligent enough to realise there is absolutely nothing I can do and it is her decision to live this life. I guess Im being selfish somehow, because I miss her. You know the going out, coffee and shopping, all that girly stuff and all of us being together. I will pray and pray and start putting me first.
You guys are great when Im feeling down, so thanks.