I can't live with him, I can't live without him

Old 07-24-2007, 07:09 PM
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I can't live with him, I can't live without him

I’ve been with my boyfriend Jon for six years. He is the most amazing guy in the world…he really is. He is EVERYTHING to me. I love him more then ANYONE in the entire world, and I have NEVER met a single person who makes me feel the way he does.

Problem is…he’s gotten back into drugs. When we first started dating he was doing heroine and cocaine and I told him that if he wanted to date me he’d have to get clean. He did…and then two years ago things took a turn for the worse.

His father committed suicide and his mother went into a pit of depression and began to blame Jon for everything. We moved into together and have been living together for a year and a half.
When things are good between us they are AMAZING. He makes me feel happiness like no other. But now that he’s gotten back into the coke it’s killing me. I feel like he places cocaine above me and I would never ever place ANYONE above him! Not even my own family.

However…that’s the thing…he’s got COMPLETE control over my emotions! And it hurts me, it kills me that he’s doing drugs. He’ll disappear for days without answering his cell phone…and come back looking horrible. I know he still cares though because he tells me how much he loves me and how if he didn’t have me, he didn’t know what the hell he’d do. And other times he says he thinks I should leave him because he knows how much he hurts me.
I can’t leave him though. I can’t. The pain of his drug use is excruciating, but it’s not really his fault. He is addicted, he can’t help it. He told me he wants to quit for me so badly, but there’s nothing one person can do. He said he’s doing it all because he wants to die so badly, and that’s what keeps him here. He said he can’t bare the thought of leaving me behind…

I can’t live like this anymore, I love him too much to be with him but I love him too much to let go. Logically I know I have to let him go. That nothing will ever get any better unless I do and that it’s what’s best for me…but I can’t I just can’t. He’s EVERYTHING to me. He’s my entire world….I'm not saying that pain is worth it...but he's my life.
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Old 07-24-2007, 07:16 PM
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Wow gal, you are going through a lot. It would really help you for starters to read the stickies at the top. I will offer this advice:
1. you are right: He places cocaine over you. When addicts are in active addiction, that is all they care about--their drugs. Period.
2. You are wrong: he does NOT have complete control over your emotions, you do. If you learn to control your emotions, rein them in, meditate, examine your every feeling, move and thought objectively instead of letting your mind run away like a train, you will learn that NO ONE CONTROLS YOUR MIND....you can.
3. If there is an Naranon, or even an Alanon group in your area, please please go to a meeting even if you are scared and nervous. It will help you a lot
4. Read Melody Beattie's book "Co-Dependent No More". I can tell by what you've said that you are extremely co-dependent and this will help you a lot too.
Here is a ((HUG)) and a prayer that you keep coming back and get strong enough to do what you need to do to be happy and at peace.
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Old 07-24-2007, 07:16 PM
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oh honey... i came to this forum today to post much the exact same thing. My significant other, who i am verrry much in love with also, has gone back to methamphetamine. its a scary place for him AND ME to be... especially when we were on it together, two years ago he went to jail, i got sober and he came home... sober... now we have been trying to develop a relationship and i find out he's back on speed. Its hard, and now I dont know what to do. I understand your post completely, and thank you for sharing this.

Much love to you, and I know we can get through this. As i've been lurking on this site for a few weeks, i know there are many wonderful people who have gone through a situation much like ours, and came out a better person.

what i know from my own experience being a year and a half in my OWN recovery from drugs and alcohol is that we addicts cannot stop for another person. I never could stop for my mom, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, anything. there is no reasoning on drugs. so he cannot or will not see the pain that he's putting other people through, because of the selfishness.

I don't have much advice. I just wanted to post and say I will be watching this thread, because I am in a similar boat to yours.

At least we don't have to float alone.
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Old 07-24-2007, 08:09 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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Welcome ((((CareTooMuch))))

I know the pain all too well. I am so sorry you are going thru this....
I really like what ((((Tropikgal))))) said too you she is right ya know...

use to
Originally Posted by CareTooMuch
And other times he says he thinks I should leave him because he knows how much he hurts me.
Anytime a man says something like this to a woman I believe the man must know what he is talking about....What if your leaving were the only thing that might pull on his heart enough to get clean? What if you left and he died? What if you left and he did not die but kept on using any way? What if you left and he got clean and moved on with out you? What if you left and found you liked not having the drama of an active addict fill up your space and moved on with out him and met some really fantastic guy who did not have these kinds of set backs... These are some of the possible out comes of your leaving...

You of course do not have to leave him. But if you do not want to be in pain you will need to be mighty strong and even then he will most likely still hurt you. Him getting clean will not be no day in the park either if he does get clean....

I have 4 close family members and My H who are all addicts. Mostly I feel like they are predators and I can be their prey if I let it happen. They do not think of how I am their flesh and blood who has loved them all their lives they see $$$$ for dope my H used to see someone who will feed him, nurse him back to health, put a roof over his head but he does not care about my feelings or what I go thru well maybe a little but, only in context of how can his knowledge of my feelings can be used to manipulate me into doing something for him....

There is nothing easy or good about living in active addiction. I seriously doubt your B/F is any more amazing than my H or my brothers or sister or any of the other people's loved ones who come here to post they are all smart and talented but dope owns them.

The fact that we let them hurt us and won't get out of their ways actually puts more guilt and pain on them cause deep in their hearts they know it is wrong for them to hurt us and it is wrong for us to let them and that is the part we can own and change...
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Old 07-25-2007, 02:29 AM
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He will be an addict all his life, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not. This is a disease that has no cure.

If you cannot leave him, then be prepared for the ride of your life.

Have you been to meetings? Lots of people there who are going through and have been through what you are experiencing, some have decided to stay with their mates, others have cut the cord, but are still in recovery from codependence. You might want to start your recovery, whether he is or not.

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 07-25-2007, 06:12 AM
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let it grow!
 
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welcome, care and megsy - keep posting! blessings, k
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Old 07-25-2007, 12:33 PM
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Caretoomuch-

I could have written your post months ago. Your honesty is very touching. I am still recovering from the loss of control over my life and emotions.
I need you to know that it IS possible to regain YOUR life. You do have choices and you can take it back.
We love someone so much that their recovery becomes our every concern- we lose ourselves.
My situation is much like yours- my abf was using pills prior to us meeting- he told me what was going on and I told him that he would need to get clean. He did and things were amazing- but like your bf, he went through some turbulent times and turned back to drugs. It took me about two months to catch on to the drug usage. We were always extremely close and he has pulled away and left me feeling abandon and rejected. After that was an out of control nightmare that culminated with him entering rehab.
Once he was getting help I had to see the shambles my life had become and still is, as I am struggling to regain some sense of foundation and center in myself. I lost so much of what I felt was ME and am struggling to find my identity outside of him, our relationship and all the left over insanity.

Detaching- even if it means physically removing yourself and regrouping is important. Detachment is an art that I have not yet mastered, but that I feel is essential in learning to sail your own ship and removing yourself from the control you give him over your emotions.

We must stop being concerned about the degree to which they care about THEIR lives and OUR relationship. We have to love ourselves above all else. Staying for so long and putting up with the lies and the betrayal really hammered my self-esteem into nonexistence to a point where I believed that I didn't deserve better. I stopped beliving anything positive about myself and began feeling trapped and like a puppet strung out because he was pulling my strings.

It takes awhile to realize we have choices about how we react- that we are the controllers of our own lives. I suggest you read Codpendent No More. It really will open your eyes to the futile attempts one makes in teh name of trying to "Get an addict well."

I am here - you can PM me if you would like to talk.
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Old 07-25-2007, 01:21 PM
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Welcome to SR (((Caretoomuch))) and Megsy! Keep reading and posting. You'll find so much good information and support here. Be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum... expecially "What Addicts Do".
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Old 07-25-2007, 05:32 PM
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ditto to everything...I am amazed you have lasted 2 years, I am 10 months into the abf's relapse and when I look back our relationship was great until he took that first toke of coke of his relapse. I have always thought that moment was the true end of our relationship, and the last ten months have just been an exercise in both our masochistic sides.

all I can say is that for ten months he has said he would quit and for ten months he has gone back and stolen from me and his parents and put his addiction ahead of everything else, he is morally bankrupt, emotionally abusive, often times cruel, and has wasted every penny he has had on drinking and drugs.

this disease sucks.
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