Everything's negotiable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Everything's negotiable
I remember hearing this phrase on Dr Phil one day. Love him or loathe him, sometimes he says stuff that hits home.
When I saw that I was living in a beautiful house in the country, rented, but had been there some time and really felt like it was home. I was also a partner in a rapidly growing new business and was starting to make some stupid money off the back of lawyers, which is always nice. In some sense, I had it all going for me.
Scratch the surface, though, and the picture was very different. I was living with an alcoholic, who lied, who raged, who manipulated, who leeched off me emotionally and financially and who was slowly helping me to erode my self esteem. I used every mind-trick in the book to convince myself to stay, the bulk of which was tied to finances (particularly future income) and the unwillingness to have another "failed" relationship behind me.
That concept of everything being negotiable was one of the cornerstones of my change in mindset. Did it matter if I was living in luxury if my soul was in tatters? Was it not more important to have the courage of my convictions, even if I was temporarily living in less than desireable surroundings? I had to lay everything on the table and ask myself what were the non-negotiables.
Whatever my surroundings, whatever my income, whether I can afford new clothes or a new car, the most important thing for me is that I live with integrity and out of a situation that was actively unhealthy for me.
What are your non-negotiables? And where do you have room to negotiate in your life to have peace?
When I saw that I was living in a beautiful house in the country, rented, but had been there some time and really felt like it was home. I was also a partner in a rapidly growing new business and was starting to make some stupid money off the back of lawyers, which is always nice. In some sense, I had it all going for me.
Scratch the surface, though, and the picture was very different. I was living with an alcoholic, who lied, who raged, who manipulated, who leeched off me emotionally and financially and who was slowly helping me to erode my self esteem. I used every mind-trick in the book to convince myself to stay, the bulk of which was tied to finances (particularly future income) and the unwillingness to have another "failed" relationship behind me.
That concept of everything being negotiable was one of the cornerstones of my change in mindset. Did it matter if I was living in luxury if my soul was in tatters? Was it not more important to have the courage of my convictions, even if I was temporarily living in less than desireable surroundings? I had to lay everything on the table and ask myself what were the non-negotiables.
Whatever my surroundings, whatever my income, whether I can afford new clothes or a new car, the most important thing for me is that I live with integrity and out of a situation that was actively unhealthy for me.
What are your non-negotiables? And where do you have room to negotiate in your life to have peace?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Yep, it was my own stubborness that kept me stuck for a long time. I was not living any luxury life, but I had already invested 20 years of my life in the dream (marriage/family) and I was not about to give that up--no matter the cost of trying to keep it. I am so glad I learned that I had other choices.
L
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
That puts me in mind of another Dr Philism -
What's worse than being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years? Being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years and a day.
And choices - my favourite topic. I make choices every moment of the day. Even doing nothing requires a choice. My destiny is in my own hands.
What's worse than being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years? Being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years and a day.
And choices - my favourite topic. I make choices every moment of the day. Even doing nothing requires a choice. My destiny is in my own hands.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I have a half dozen non-negotiable issues at this point in my life. I always had them in my mind as 'ideals' but not as non-negotiables. I was afraid I was setting the bar too high.
I was wrong. The bar was too low.
Shoot, every day I stayed stuck, I was keeping myself from my whole potential.
I am still learning how to be whole and I enjoy it for the most part.
How would one know what they want and when they have it, if they dont have a list of non-negotiables?
I was wrong. The bar was too low.
Shoot, every day I stayed stuck, I was keeping myself from my whole potential.
I am still learning how to be whole and I enjoy it for the most part.
How would one know what they want and when they have it, if they dont have a list of non-negotiables?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I'd just like to add something.
When I say I am not necessarily advocating leaving. This whole recovery thing is often more subtle than that. I contributed just as much to the dysfunction as he did, otherwise would I not have just walked away? Millions of people do that every day. However, it may be that if one works on oneself, the dynamics will shift so that one not living in so much chaos. It didn't work for me, but that is not to say that it wouldn't work on another scenario.
When I say
the most important thing for me is that I live with integrity and out of a situation that was actively unhealthy for me
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
My favorite Dr. Philism is when he asks someone who is obviously behaving rather foolishly "How's that working out for ya?".
A couple of friends tell me that I am the only heterosexual male that watches the show, but I don't care what they think. I like the guy.
A couple of friends tell me that I am the only heterosexual male that watches the show, but I don't care what they think. I like the guy.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I agree Minnie, I tried to the best of my ability to work on myself in hopes that I wouldn't be living in so much chaos with an A. But then my non-negotiable hit, that I don't accept ANY kind of abuse anymore in my life.
Earthworm
Earthworm
Originally Posted by minnie 
I'd just like to add something.
When I say I am not necessarily advocating leaving. This whole recovery thing is often more subtle than that. I contributed just as much to the dysfunction as he did, otherwise would I not have just walked away? Millions of people do that every day. However, it may be that if one works on oneself, the dynamics will shift so that one not living in so much chaos. It didn't work for me, but that is not to say that it wouldn't work on another scenario.
When I say I am not necessarily advocating leaving. This whole recovery thing is often more subtle than that. I contributed just as much to the dysfunction as he did, otherwise would I not have just walked away? Millions of people do that every day. However, it may be that if one works on oneself, the dynamics will shift so that one not living in so much chaos. It didn't work for me, but that is not to say that it wouldn't work on another scenario.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What was always and still is non-negotiable to me is my money.
I have been married twice, I always had a home in my name, my own checking and investment accounts. My hubbies and I had 1 joint checking account, we each contributed to it for the general household expenses.
It is not that I am selfish, I just knew that just because I was married didn't mean that I shouldn't protect myself, and I did....it is a good thing that I did, if not, I'd be living in box under a bridge.
I have been married twice, I always had a home in my name, my own checking and investment accounts. My hubbies and I had 1 joint checking account, we each contributed to it for the general household expenses.
It is not that I am selfish, I just knew that just because I was married didn't mean that I shouldn't protect myself, and I did....it is a good thing that I did, if not, I'd be living in box under a bridge.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
This disease, his disease, has acted like a slow leak in my soul. Only recently have I realized that so much of me is gone. I'm not losing any more of me. He's got 1 year or less, to prove he's serious, or I'm gone. I want me back. My kids deserve to have a loving mom, not a nazi commando.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Respekt--
You can have all that, be a loving mom, plug the leak in your soul, regardless of whether he is serious or not. In fact, his being serious will not solve your problems. Only you can do that.
Best wishes to you,
L
You can have all that, be a loving mom, plug the leak in your soul, regardless of whether he is serious or not. In fact, his being serious will not solve your problems. Only you can do that.
Best wishes to you,
L
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"I'm not losing any more of me. He's got 1 year or less, to prove he's serious, or I'm gone."
Well, according to the above stagement you do, indeed, plan to lose more of you. One year more to be exact. If you want your life back, why not take it back today? As Dr. Phil says, what's worse than being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years? Being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years and a day--or in your case 11 years....
Well, according to the above stagement you do, indeed, plan to lose more of you. One year more to be exact. If you want your life back, why not take it back today? As Dr. Phil says, what's worse than being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years? Being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years and a day--or in your case 11 years....
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
If I ever re-marry I'm going to have a pre-nup signed. I'm not handing anything over that I've worked and saved for.
Earthworm
Earthworm
Originally Posted by dollydo
What was always and still is non-negotiable to me is my money.
I have been married twice, I always had a home in my name, my own checking and investment accounts. My hubbies and I had 1 joint checking account, we each contributed to it for the general household expenses.
It is not that I am selfish, I just knew that just because I was married didn't mean that I shouldn't protect myself, and I did....it is a good thing that I did, if not, I'd be living in box under a bridge.
I have been married twice, I always had a home in my name, my own checking and investment accounts. My hubbies and I had 1 joint checking account, we each contributed to it for the general household expenses.
It is not that I am selfish, I just knew that just because I was married didn't mean that I shouldn't protect myself, and I did....it is a good thing that I did, if not, I'd be living in box under a bridge.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Non-negotiables
~ respect
~ truth/honesty
~ loyalty
All the things I give
I'm learning to negotiate with myself regarding how much I "give' in my life. Balance is important to me. The difference between being a "codie" in giving and being a "normie". I will not let my disease take my basic core from me. And the experiences I have can be turned to a positive. Instead of thinking what was taken away, I can embrace what was given. To look beyond the surface is TRULY the gift.
THAT is what will give me peace, being true to my core again
Peace
~ respect
~ truth/honesty
~ loyalty
All the things I give
And where do you have room to negotiate in your life to have peace?
THAT is what will give me peace, being true to my core again
Peace
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Minnie great post! I loved this guy when he first started showing up on Oprah!
Here are a couple from him I always enjoyed!
Intergrity (very big one for me)
Money
Alcoholism
I'm still working on this Minnie-so far I take more time out for me to learn how to make room and live with peace again-and being in recovery is a negotating peace into my life one day at a time....
Thank you for this post Minnie gets your brain thinking!
BTW Dgillz I use this alot! It actually makes someone look at you funny then they laugh because they think and then go oh yeah DUH! (Love this line)
P.S. I found a pretty neat site ...www.flylady.net
Here are a couple from him I always enjoyed!
Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.
If you want more, you have to require more from yourself.
Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.
What are your non-negotiables?
Money
Alcoholism
And where do you have room to negotiate in your life to have peace?
Thank you for this post Minnie gets your brain thinking!
BTW Dgillz
"How's that working out for ya?".
P.S. I found a pretty neat site ...www.flylady.net
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Great shares, guys, thank you.
It's funny when I read about people having trust/honesty/respect/integrity as their non-negotiables. I though they were mine too in 2001. In fact, R asked me early on what I needed in a relationship and I said exactly that. The first time I accepted a violation of any of those, I effectively told him that they were entirely negotiable. BTW, they are totally non-negotiable now, and I will walk away without a backwards glance. Guess I needed to be tested, huh?
I think this concept of everything being negotiable relates to the practicalities of my life, not my core values. That said, until I truly knew my core values, they were obviously up for debate. As soon as I could see that where I lived, what I did for a job, what possessions I owned, what car I drove, how often I got my hair cut, how many pairs of shoes I had (btw, it's a lot!), none of that mattered if I wasn't able to be myself and live in peace. I spent a long time clinging onto an unhealthy situation because of money - I had a business with my ex that continued for some time after we split up. I had a lot of fear that I wouldn't make it on my own, but here I am, doing exactly that. I had to challenge every single assumption I made about my life to know what was important in order to make decisions that were in MY interests, not those of R, my family, my friends or society as a whole.
It's funny when I read about people having trust/honesty/respect/integrity as their non-negotiables. I though they were mine too in 2001. In fact, R asked me early on what I needed in a relationship and I said exactly that. The first time I accepted a violation of any of those, I effectively told him that they were entirely negotiable. BTW, they are totally non-negotiable now, and I will walk away without a backwards glance. Guess I needed to be tested, huh?
I think this concept of everything being negotiable relates to the practicalities of my life, not my core values. That said, until I truly knew my core values, they were obviously up for debate. As soon as I could see that where I lived, what I did for a job, what possessions I owned, what car I drove, how often I got my hair cut, how many pairs of shoes I had (btw, it's a lot!), none of that mattered if I wasn't able to be myself and live in peace. I spent a long time clinging onto an unhealthy situation because of money - I had a business with my ex that continued for some time after we split up. I had a lot of fear that I wouldn't make it on my own, but here I am, doing exactly that. I had to challenge every single assumption I made about my life to know what was important in order to make decisions that were in MY interests, not those of R, my family, my friends or society as a whole.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
