Detaching from another child.......or..... Oh to be an elephant

Old 07-24-2007, 03:04 PM
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Detaching from another child.......or..... Oh to be an elephant

I just spent the morning crying, hurting, despairing and wishing I was an elephant, ha,ha. Or living in some desolute tribe anywhere. NO DRUGS of anykind (liquid, pill, powder and all the other forms) that are such a huge part of our society.

Taking that big leap into detaching from yet another child. I am only able to do this, write this, without blubbering all over the place, because I just spoke with my 27 yo daughter after kicking her out on the streets yesterday. My 28 yo son is an addict/alcoholic (aren't they the same?)also. Started my battle with that one 14 years ago.

Anyhow, she actually told me it was what she needed!!! Oh my gosh!!! I (ha, ha) have been , trying to "help" her for last 3 years by letting her live with us, paying for her methadone tx, letting her use one of our vehichles, paying basically for EVERYTHING for her because she couldn't keep a job.

I can't believe I did that twice now. I so did not want to "lose" my daughter also, that I was duped again. How come this disease of addiction makes you feel soooooo powerless and stupid? I was also raised by alcoholic parents and I believe I am one of the most perfect co-dependants. I so am the "caretaker".

My mind is really a mushy mesh right now. Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-24-2007, 03:25 PM
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Mindy,

I cannot imagine what you must be going through....My son is a crack addict/alcoholic that has been a struggle/heartache most of his adult life......but to have two children caught in this nightmare has got to be beyond belief.....I can only offer my support and prayers......but I do know for me I had to change....change everything I thought I knew about parenting and let him go to lead this life he had chosen.....I had to learn (and boy was it a hard lesson) to let go and understand that if he stood any chance for recovery I could not cushion his fall.....

Please take time to learn to be your caregiver, to love and care for you....to know that you are not stupid and that you may be powerless over their choices, but you are not powerless over yours.....

As a parent our intentions always have been good. But the time comes when we need to let others live their own lives....I have found it's more than enough to learn to take care of ourselves......

Peace
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Old 07-24-2007, 03:33 PM
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Thank uo so much for that. It has been my worst nightmare. Both of my children......... and I talked and talked and talked to them growing up about their "dangerous genes", their father died from alcoholism when he was 48 and they were 14 & 12. They only met him once before he died. I NEVER bad mouthed him, told them that he was very sick, took them to therapy and still IT happened. I know I can't blame myself but it sure is hard not to. I am so gald I found this site
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Old 07-24-2007, 03:45 PM
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Welcome Mindy, Sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but glad that you found us. My addict is my 21 year old daughter. She is my only child. My husband has said that he wished we had had more children. I told him that they could have all been addicts. That we should just count our blessings on that one. I was careful about making sure my daughter knew the facts about addiction since there is alcoholism on both sides of our family. She had everything that she needed to succeed in life, instead she is living with her 37 year old crack addict boyfriend. Other than drugs, she does nothing with her life. We stopped enabling about a year ago and have maybe seen her ten times since then. Last time in March. It is a difficult road but one that you don't need to walk alone. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-24-2007, 03:55 PM
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Oh you must be a WONDERFUL person. Anyone who has a picture of dogs (or any animal for that matter) has to be a great person. : ) I think I fill my life with animals because they don't hurt us.
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Old 07-24-2007, 03:59 PM
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Welcome Mindy, So sorry that you are dealing with two children who are addicts.
There are others here with the same problem. I'm sure they will be on to give you some of their thoughts. At least you are here and that is a good sign. You are among friends who understand your pain.

Prayers for your family...........Lois
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Old 07-24-2007, 04:01 PM
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(((Mindy)))

Welcome. Many of us mom's here. My 30 year old daughter is my addict. I am currently raising her 12 year old son. She lost everything except her life, and for that I am grateful because we still have a chance as long as they keep breathing.

Remember the 3 C's

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and You can't cure it

This site has been a lifesaver for me!! I've learned sooo much from the people here. My daughter is now taking baby steps to recovery and everyday I have my fingers crossed!!! What a devastating disease this is to everyone connected to an addict. We go through all the what if's!! and guilt in the world.

Please, read lots, post lots....more will be along shortly to welcome you, we walk this road together.

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Old 07-24-2007, 04:02 PM
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Mindy, Welcome to SR. We are listening and we hear your pain. I am very sorry that you come here under such unfortunate circumstances, but you will find wisdom and support in the discussions. I, too, have a son who is an addict. My son has also taken advantage of my motherly-codie instincts. He is currently in detox and I have hope that he has reached his real bottom.

I have learned many lessons about my enabling ways from members of this forum. I am working on my recovery one little step at a time. You will find that there are many parents, siblings, children, spouses and lovers who share our pain and are willing to support each other.

It is hard when we recognize how prevalent drugs are in our society. There is no place to get away from them.

I must leave now to get to my Alanon meeting. I will send prayers your way for you and your children.
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Old 07-24-2007, 04:05 PM
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I have come to think that the first drug every given to children like ours (both sides of the family) that's it..... they are hooked. So it's almost like they didn't have a chance, that no matter what anyone did it was going to happen. I truly hope the best for you and your daughter. I have to go learn how to take care of myself now..... ha, ha
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Old 07-24-2007, 04:29 PM
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Welcome to the club Mindy - I too have AS and know the frustration + hurt.
Dr. Spock didn't prepare us for this. But our collective wisdom is mighty. Keep sharing and posting. Because of our distressing experience, we have recieved the privilege of being able to help + learn from those who have experienced a like distress.
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Old 07-24-2007, 05:53 PM
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Mindy, I am glad you found this site but so sorry for the pain you are going through. My two daughters both battled with addictions in their life too. Both were raised in what seemed an ideal environment, honor students, active in sports and civic groups, loved and cherished. To anyone looking in they would have thought they would have the "perfect" life. Addiction really knows no boundaries. Last year both were in rehabs 2500 miles apart at the same time. My older daughter was a low bottom binge drinker who was fortunate not to have hurt anyone or lost everything before she found recovery. She is starting over in her mid 20's and her recovery program and mine have helped her to be able to make her own way, go back to school, support herself and be grateful for the blessings in her life. Sadly, her little sister experimented with heavy drugs including snorting heroin and became addicted. She struggled to try to get clean and we lost her right after she turned 20a year ago to tainted heroin. That first time back out can indeed be the last.

So I think I have some appreciation of the pain you are feeling. I found coming here, reading all I could about addiction and codependency and becoming very involved in Naranon really helped me so much. I still go to Naranon and come here because the tools I am learning help me in so many ways in all aspects of my life and in my relationships whether involving addiction or not. I've learned what I can control (me, my actions and reactions) and what I can't (virtually everything else). I have to keep practicing that...living it every day, or I am sure I will slip back to comfortable ways of trying to control the universe

Keep reading and posting...and please, try some face to face Alanon or Naranon meetings. Hugs
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Old 07-24-2007, 06:02 PM
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welcome to S.R. addiction makes you feel soooo powerless because you are.someone ahead of me listed the 3c's.i say them over & over again.the addict in my life is my son.he started drinking at 17,at 23 he was serving his 1st sentence in prison due to crack.i have finally got the program that i am powerless.i have had to let him go as hard as if was.i my heart goes out to you with two addict kids.you & them will be in my prayers.please keep coming back.hugs,
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Old 07-24-2007, 06:47 PM
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Mindy, My mom used to say that if a person loves animals than they must be a good person The little Chihuahua in the middle is my daughter's dog, Petey. I took him away from her when it became obvious she was starting to neglect him. He fits right in with my four. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-24-2007, 07:01 PM
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Welcome Mindy. My addict is my 21 yr old daughter. Her DOC was cocaine. Hugs and prayers coming your way.
Terri
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Old 07-24-2007, 07:08 PM
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HI Mindy and welcome to SR. I know that it must be the hardest thing to see both your children hurting themselves like that. I hope you read the stickies at the top and keep coming back. Everyone here are fine folks who will listen to you and if you read the posts you will learn a lot.
((HUGS))
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Old 07-24-2007, 07:11 PM
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(((((((Mindy)))))))



Hi. I'm Linda. The addict in my life is my 25 yo son.
We lived together, off and on throughout his adult life and I swear, I don't know how either of us survived it.
We were driving each other crazy.
He still drinks occasionally and I'm not sure if he's still smoking pot. I stopped asking.
I've been here since October 2005. Sr saved my sanity.
There are so many of us here who suffer along with our addicts, yet eventually learn to recover, ourselves. Recovery from codependency. Yeah, me too. lol
I'm glad we're sharing this journey together and I hope you stick around, get into alanon/naranon meetings, and read all you can on addiction and codependency.
You, your son and daughter, are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Stay strong and keep comin' back.
Your new sr buddy,
Linda

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Old 07-24-2007, 07:21 PM
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I am sorry for your pain. Perhaps your daughter would do well in a rehab, and there are many for women. It's so painful to see our children destroy themselves. Maybe a little while of not having a place to call home will open her eyes.

I have often dreamed of living somewhere where there were no drugs or alcohol, but no matter what country or villiage I read about any where in the world, (even the ancient world!) there has been some kind of drug or drink. It's inescapable!
So, I guess I have to live where I'm at, and learn to deal with those around me who choose to drug and drink.
It's very draining isn't it?
But, with a little self care and learning how to detach with love, we don't have to feel so helpless and overwhelmed.
Hope your day is getting better.
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Old 07-25-2007, 05:58 AM
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agree w/ all the above, welcome. Mine is 23 yo daughter. You're in the right place,
prayers for you and yours,
susan
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Old 07-25-2007, 09:04 AM
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I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I think I found a place where I belong. I often wonder how I would handle the death of one of my children. I don't get very far with that thought without losing it. Hugs and kisses to you and yours. Thank you very much.
Linda
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