Does he have a problem?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Does he have a problem?
Hi Everyone,
I am new to this site and I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We are very active in our church and have a very strong faith. He works hard all week and is a great husband and father. We have three kids and have a really great life except for one thing. My husband is what I believe to be a weekend alcoholic.
Most weeks he starts drinking (beer only) on Thursday nights and will drink anywhere from 8 to 12 beers that night, and do the same thing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He has such a high tolerance that he does not ever appear to be drunk, although if I were to bring up his drinking at that time, he is much quicker to anger than if I wait until he has not been drinking. But, otherwise he is still very attentive and loving to me and the children. He has even given up drinking in public because of our involvement in our church and not wanting to influence children or others that may see him.
It may seem like I do not have a problem and have no business being on this site but there are issues for me with this. For starters, he reeks of beer when he drinks and that is a major turnoff for me. So, that is 4 nights a week that while I love him, I do not want to be near him physically. Also, his dad was a major beer drinker (big surprise) and now his dad looks 20 years older than he really is, and has so many other illnesses that I think stem from him treating his body so poorly. I also noticed that his dad seemed to get drunk easier as he aged and I don't want to live the same life his mother has lived. Am I over reacting or does he have a real problem? If so, what is the best way to approach this? I have tried to talk to him over the years on days that he is not drinking and he says he needs time, he is working on it, and then he won't drink on a Thursday or a Sunday for a week or so and then its back to the four day weekend. His only defense and it is a good one is that he does not get drunk or abusive or go out drinking, but I still fear the effects it will have on him as we age as well on the choices my 3 kids will make someday. I know this is a long post and I am sorry to dump on all of you, but I really have nobody to talk to about this. Any suggestions or comments will be greatly appreciated.
I am new to this site and I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We are very active in our church and have a very strong faith. He works hard all week and is a great husband and father. We have three kids and have a really great life except for one thing. My husband is what I believe to be a weekend alcoholic.
Most weeks he starts drinking (beer only) on Thursday nights and will drink anywhere from 8 to 12 beers that night, and do the same thing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He has such a high tolerance that he does not ever appear to be drunk, although if I were to bring up his drinking at that time, he is much quicker to anger than if I wait until he has not been drinking. But, otherwise he is still very attentive and loving to me and the children. He has even given up drinking in public because of our involvement in our church and not wanting to influence children or others that may see him.
It may seem like I do not have a problem and have no business being on this site but there are issues for me with this. For starters, he reeks of beer when he drinks and that is a major turnoff for me. So, that is 4 nights a week that while I love him, I do not want to be near him physically. Also, his dad was a major beer drinker (big surprise) and now his dad looks 20 years older than he really is, and has so many other illnesses that I think stem from him treating his body so poorly. I also noticed that his dad seemed to get drunk easier as he aged and I don't want to live the same life his mother has lived. Am I over reacting or does he have a real problem? If so, what is the best way to approach this? I have tried to talk to him over the years on days that he is not drinking and he says he needs time, he is working on it, and then he won't drink on a Thursday or a Sunday for a week or so and then its back to the four day weekend. His only defense and it is a good one is that he does not get drunk or abusive or go out drinking, but I still fear the effects it will have on him as we age as well on the choices my 3 kids will make someday. I know this is a long post and I am sorry to dump on all of you, but I really have nobody to talk to about this. Any suggestions or comments will be greatly appreciated.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Indeed it sounds to me like you both know he is an alcoholic. Also it sounds like he is not ready to get help. I don't have any advice besides joining Al-Anon in your area. I am in the same situation in that my ABF admits he has a problem, he is planning on working on it but still hasn't made any effort in my opinion. I can't do a thing about him not wanting to quit or being ready to. He may never be ready. Maybe you can find support at Al-Anon as well as here. Also I am attending my first AA meeting tomorrow as it was suggested to me that I learn all I can about alcoholism. I think this forum is a very welcoming one and you have every right to be here.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That quote says a lot.
Jenny
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That quote says a lot.
Jenny
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Short answer: Definitely an issue if it's affecting you, and normal drinkers don't put away 8-12 beers a night Thurs.-Sun. One or two drinks a day is fine, more than that and it becomes a concern. I'd recommend reading Under The Influence, or check out the excerpts in the Alcoholism forum.
As far as how to approach it, you can't force him or make him stop drinking. My ex tried for years to no avail. What you can do is attend Al-Anon and learn how to live with the disease and focus on yourself rather than him.
As far as how to approach it, you can't force him or make him stop drinking. My ex tried for years to no avail. What you can do is attend Al-Anon and learn how to live with the disease and focus on yourself rather than him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville,TN
Posts: 16
My Thoughts
Well I have not been here long either but it is a great place for advice and wisdom... My counselor told me on my first visit.... If it affects you in a negative way, finanically, emotionally, or any other way then it is a problem. I understand about not wanting to be around him. My AH always complains about that. Since he is trying to recover(on his own...not gonna work) but he is not drinking I am making extra attempts to be close to him. No need in bringing the problem up while he is drinking. He will only get mad. I wish I had more advice or helpful thoughts but I am new to all this "recovery" even within myself so not much help. This site is awesome for info. And you could check into Al-anon. It might help.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, breakthechain, glad you're here!
A week has 7 days in it. For 3-1/2 of those days, he drinks - that's half the week.
I'd suggest Al-Anon as a start - it certainly answered the question for me as to whether I had a problem, not just him. Life improved when I started working on my problems - the first one being I was bothered by his drinking.
I spent many years thinking I needed to change his drinking, when what I really needed to do was make the life for myself that I wanted. That can involve staying, leaving, or something in between. Knowing I have choices makes life worth living.
Keep posting!
A week has 7 days in it. For 3-1/2 of those days, he drinks - that's half the week.
I'd suggest Al-Anon as a start - it certainly answered the question for me as to whether I had a problem, not just him. Life improved when I started working on my problems - the first one being I was bothered by his drinking.
I spent many years thinking I needed to change his drinking, when what I really needed to do was make the life for myself that I wanted. That can involve staying, leaving, or something in between. Knowing I have choices makes life worth living.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: tennessee
Posts: 592
He is th only person that can say if he is alcoholic.As far as you having no business on this site if you got a problem people here will try to help.Find a big book read it,see if he will read it.I can tell you if he is an alcoholic like me it only gets worse untreated.3 nights will turn into 4 and so on.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Glad you are here and hope you stick around!
Sounds like my now exAH; when I first started to really notice the drinking had crept up in frequency and amount. By the time he moved out of our house (after about 25 yrs of marriage/2 teenagers) he was drinking close to a 12-pk of beer openly (may have had more) and did not appear "drunk" but was getting meaner and angrier all the time. He stopped drinking at family gatherings and started "pre-drinking" when we would go out to a rare event (his work-related;he owned his business and/sold it recently). Controlled (and still does around me and our kids) his drinking,especially in public. He told me he stopped drinking at office functions.....hmmm; I can think of a few reasons for that,but it isn't about quitting drinking. He has switched to wine mainly now,I think.
It has not gotten better. He has tried (and in my opinion,is still trying) different ways he thinks he can drink and "control" it. He divorced me (one of his "reasons" that he hoped "made him drink") also he can be around people that drink as much or more than he does so much easier not being married,esp. to me.
Stick around. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I did not "see" the progression except in hind sight.
"Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" (http://www.GettingThemSober.com) are two great reads to begin with,IMHO.
I think you are wise to be concerned and to stay here and learn about alcoholism and the choices you can make to help your own life.
Sounds like my now exAH; when I first started to really notice the drinking had crept up in frequency and amount. By the time he moved out of our house (after about 25 yrs of marriage/2 teenagers) he was drinking close to a 12-pk of beer openly (may have had more) and did not appear "drunk" but was getting meaner and angrier all the time. He stopped drinking at family gatherings and started "pre-drinking" when we would go out to a rare event (his work-related;he owned his business and/sold it recently). Controlled (and still does around me and our kids) his drinking,especially in public. He told me he stopped drinking at office functions.....hmmm; I can think of a few reasons for that,but it isn't about quitting drinking. He has switched to wine mainly now,I think.
It has not gotten better. He has tried (and in my opinion,is still trying) different ways he thinks he can drink and "control" it. He divorced me (one of his "reasons" that he hoped "made him drink") also he can be around people that drink as much or more than he does so much easier not being married,esp. to me.
Stick around. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I did not "see" the progression except in hind sight.
"Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" (http://www.GettingThemSober.com) are two great reads to begin with,IMHO.
I think you are wise to be concerned and to stay here and learn about alcoholism and the choices you can make to help your own life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Please, please, please go to an Al-Anon meeting. I've been married 13 years. I went to one meeting several years ago and never went back. Thought his drinking wasn't my problem. I've been to 2 meetings now, and one session with my AH. NOW I think I see the problem. When you are married to someone who does something you can't stand, you'll do anything to try to make them stop. You still love him. There are things about him you don't want to give up, so you'll try to make him stop. You complain, he gets mad, he drinks, says you're driving him to it, on and on. It's a vicious circle.
I know exactly what you mean. My AH is very successful professionally. We belong to a big church and a Sunday School class. AH plays with our kids every day. Most of the time, he's a nice guy. But he was drinking every night between 9-11pm, after the kids went to bed. And he never drinks and drives. And he never drinks in front of others. And he's never abused me (physically). And he's only ever missed one day of work from being hungover. He had all of these rules about his drinking, that have allowed him to stay in denial about his problem.
He used to drink beer. Now he drinks straight vodka.
I have searched the house for bottles. I have poured countless bottles down the drain. I have searched him when he came in the door from work. I have followed his every move to keep him from drinking. I CAN'T stop him. I slowly learned that I LOST ME. Does that make sense to you? I am no longer the person I used to be. I am serious when I used to be the clown in my group of friends. I am a warden when I used to be carefree in my 20's. I am a lecturer. I talk to my friends and family about my problems with his drinking. I HATE who I have become. THAT is why I go to Al-Anon. When I first realized, just from sitting in one meeting, how much misery I have allowed to creep into my life, I came home and cried!!
I almost never cry. The past 2 weeks I have been so weepy. I shut down emotionally before. Denied the problem, glossed it over, played it down. He's not the person I married...... and I'm not the person he married anymore either.
Please go to Al-Anon. You are going to be SHOCKED at how similar their stories are to yours. I thought AH and I were so unique. We aren't unique at ALL!! Lots of people in my group are exactly like me. I saw myself in the meetings. And I also saw women who live in peace, who have been to Al-Anon for years, who have rediscovered themselves and are happy. Some are still married, some are not. But I want what they have. And the sooner you learn some coping skills, the better you'll be. Please don't wait until you're consumed with his drinking.
Also, some of the stories I have heard in Al-Anon talk about someone in the marriage changing, and that influences change in someone else. Just by going to Al-Anon, your behavior may change. He may see you change and want some of what you have. He may want to stop or he may not. But for certain, he is in denial right now, and it sounds like you are too.
My aunt's husband drank on the weekends. Sounds just like your husband. He climbed a ladder one winter to get the tree out of the attic. He was drunk and fell off the ladder. He survived the fall, but died from seizures related to his drinking later. Yes, people who only drink on weekends can be alcoholics.
Get help for yourself. It may be your only chance to make it though this with your soul intact.
I know exactly what you mean. My AH is very successful professionally. We belong to a big church and a Sunday School class. AH plays with our kids every day. Most of the time, he's a nice guy. But he was drinking every night between 9-11pm, after the kids went to bed. And he never drinks and drives. And he never drinks in front of others. And he's never abused me (physically). And he's only ever missed one day of work from being hungover. He had all of these rules about his drinking, that have allowed him to stay in denial about his problem.
He used to drink beer. Now he drinks straight vodka.
I have searched the house for bottles. I have poured countless bottles down the drain. I have searched him when he came in the door from work. I have followed his every move to keep him from drinking. I CAN'T stop him. I slowly learned that I LOST ME. Does that make sense to you? I am no longer the person I used to be. I am serious when I used to be the clown in my group of friends. I am a warden when I used to be carefree in my 20's. I am a lecturer. I talk to my friends and family about my problems with his drinking. I HATE who I have become. THAT is why I go to Al-Anon. When I first realized, just from sitting in one meeting, how much misery I have allowed to creep into my life, I came home and cried!!
I almost never cry. The past 2 weeks I have been so weepy. I shut down emotionally before. Denied the problem, glossed it over, played it down. He's not the person I married...... and I'm not the person he married anymore either.
Please go to Al-Anon. You are going to be SHOCKED at how similar their stories are to yours. I thought AH and I were so unique. We aren't unique at ALL!! Lots of people in my group are exactly like me. I saw myself in the meetings. And I also saw women who live in peace, who have been to Al-Anon for years, who have rediscovered themselves and are happy. Some are still married, some are not. But I want what they have. And the sooner you learn some coping skills, the better you'll be. Please don't wait until you're consumed with his drinking.
Also, some of the stories I have heard in Al-Anon talk about someone in the marriage changing, and that influences change in someone else. Just by going to Al-Anon, your behavior may change. He may see you change and want some of what you have. He may want to stop or he may not. But for certain, he is in denial right now, and it sounds like you are too.
My aunt's husband drank on the weekends. Sounds just like your husband. He climbed a ladder one winter to get the tree out of the attic. He was drunk and fell off the ladder. He survived the fall, but died from seizures related to his drinking later. Yes, people who only drink on weekends can be alcoholics.
Get help for yourself. It may be your only chance to make it though this with your soul intact.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Astro 
Short answer: Definitely an issue if it's affecting you, and normal drinkers don't put away 8-12 beers a night Thurs.-Sun. One or two drinks a day is fine, more than that and it becomes a concern. I'd recommend reading Under The Influence, or check out the excerpts in the Alcoholism forum.
As far as how to approach it, you can't force him or make him stop drinking. My ex tried for years to no avail. What you can do is attend Al-Anon and learn how to live with the disease and focus on yourself rather than him.
As far as how to approach it, you can't force him or make him stop drinking. My ex tried for years to no avail. What you can do is attend Al-Anon and learn how to live with the disease and focus on yourself rather than him.
I have never known anyone to even drink 12 glasses of water while playing full quart basketball on a hot summer day.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by steve11694
I have never known anyone to even drink 12 glasses of water while playing full quart basketball on a hot summer day.
heh - My XABF would think nothing of drinking 6-10 o'douls a night. I mean, what's the point? The stuff tastes like it was brewed in a cess pool. More than 6 would always make him fart a lot. He wasn't drunk but it (the behaviour) bothered me a lot.
Welcome Break
Take a break, read the stickies and educate yourself...you've got a ton of people to talk to about this...if you are affected negatively by his drinking, it's huge for you - regardless whether he thinks he has a problem or not.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
Stick around. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I did not "see" the progression except in hind sight.
"Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" (http://www.GettingThemSober.com) are two great reads to begin with,IMHO.
I think you are wise to be concerned and to stay here and learn about alcoholism and the choices you can make to help your own life.
Pick-a-name suggests two great books! I read Under the influence and currently pick up "Getting them Sober" when I can....great reads! And also hit it on the head as always Alcoholism is a progressive disease and most of us that end up here I believe IMHO only saw it in "hindsight" and remained in denial until we became so sick and tired emotionally that we were able to take that hindsight and apply it to finding answers of why we are most importantly doing this to ourselves! Living with this behavor!
We have choices and I have learned by consuming myself with someone else it is taking away from myself. Everyone has choices including your hubby's choice to drink! Read the books Pick-a-name has suggested and you will see the answers to your questions will be just as others have stated here-make your choices and start by taking care of you!
Am I over reacting or does he have a real problem? Over reacting is what we do in the start and does he have a problem?-Ask and answer this instead- Do you have a problem?
If so, what is the best way to approach this? Grab those books, catch a meeting or two, keep posting here and read some stickies at the top of the forum!Stop consuming so much wasted energy on getting him to stop because they I feel just do not listen until they are ready to listen to themselves
((((Hugs)))) and Welcome!
Last edited by Rella927; 07-25-2007 at 07:05 AM. Reason: spelling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2
Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and support. It is so nice to finally have someplace I can turn when things get tough. I found an Alanon meeting in my area and I am going to go. I'll keep in touch and keep you all in my prayers. BTC
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
OMG!!!!!!!!
How uncanny that my story and yours are soo much alike. That's how it's been with AW for the past two years.
She hid it well before we got married...I knew she liked a beer or two every night...but I had no clue she was drinking that heavily. Once we got married, she let the guard down and I know what you mean.
She'll drink anywhere from 8-12 beers a night....most every night. She's never hungover..but she decides after drinkign that she's a friggin comedianne! She starts slurrrrrinnnggg her worrrrddssss and thinking she's so damn funny....and it just totally turns me off in every single way.
I learned a long time ago that bringing up her excessive drinking only leads to fights....and then she blames everything on me or says that "you're depressed and need to go to the doctor" to which I respond, "so if I go get seen about depression will you go get treatment for the alcoholism?" That usually stops the conversation. Trust me, I'm far from depressed, but I do stay quite a bit beaten down by the constant belittling, badgering and tactics to keep me off balance.
The problem is, I love her too...and you know, I've come to realize that I'm co-dependent on her. For the love of Christ, I don't know why I am co-dependent on an alcoholic...but I am...perhaps I have the need for a friend confused with "love"..or perhaps the thought of starting over again is scarign the hell outta me. It's funny how one minute she's all about our marriage..then the next she's so sick of it. I'm so tired of the jeckyl & hyde routine...and i'm tired of never knowning where she stands and not being able to have any kind of balance in my life.
She's alienated my friends....because if I go do something then she plays it that she's owed to get to do something with her drinking buddies...and it became where it wasn't worth the fight, the guilt, the constant answering questions of who what where and the accusations...so I have no friends. Yet it's ok in her mind for her to go sit and drink with her friends whenever she wants...and if I say anything, I'm "controlling her".
Part of my issue is that I'm not financially secure at the moment, but hope to be within a few months. That's a goal I'm working towards, although I realize that if I wait on that it may never be the right time.
There aren't any al-anon meetings in my area...not that are within a 90 minute one way drive...so I read a lot and do the best I can with myself and my thoughts. I've come to realize I can't change her...
How uncanny that my story and yours are soo much alike. That's how it's been with AW for the past two years.
She hid it well before we got married...I knew she liked a beer or two every night...but I had no clue she was drinking that heavily. Once we got married, she let the guard down and I know what you mean.
She'll drink anywhere from 8-12 beers a night....most every night. She's never hungover..but she decides after drinkign that she's a friggin comedianne! She starts slurrrrrinnnggg her worrrrddssss and thinking she's so damn funny....and it just totally turns me off in every single way.
I learned a long time ago that bringing up her excessive drinking only leads to fights....and then she blames everything on me or says that "you're depressed and need to go to the doctor" to which I respond, "so if I go get seen about depression will you go get treatment for the alcoholism?" That usually stops the conversation. Trust me, I'm far from depressed, but I do stay quite a bit beaten down by the constant belittling, badgering and tactics to keep me off balance.
The problem is, I love her too...and you know, I've come to realize that I'm co-dependent on her. For the love of Christ, I don't know why I am co-dependent on an alcoholic...but I am...perhaps I have the need for a friend confused with "love"..or perhaps the thought of starting over again is scarign the hell outta me. It's funny how one minute she's all about our marriage..then the next she's so sick of it. I'm so tired of the jeckyl & hyde routine...and i'm tired of never knowning where she stands and not being able to have any kind of balance in my life.
She's alienated my friends....because if I go do something then she plays it that she's owed to get to do something with her drinking buddies...and it became where it wasn't worth the fight, the guilt, the constant answering questions of who what where and the accusations...so I have no friends. Yet it's ok in her mind for her to go sit and drink with her friends whenever she wants...and if I say anything, I'm "controlling her".
Part of my issue is that I'm not financially secure at the moment, but hope to be within a few months. That's a goal I'm working towards, although I realize that if I wait on that it may never be the right time.
There aren't any al-anon meetings in my area...not that are within a 90 minute one way drive...so I read a lot and do the best I can with myself and my thoughts. I've come to realize I can't change her...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
You wouldn't be here IF you didn't think there was a problem, none of us would be.
Yes, please seek out a meeting, and don't dispair if the first one is not a fit for you, it may take time to find the right group, it did take me some time to find "My Group", but, the key is to keep searching until you feel you are in the right place.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
You wouldn't be here IF you didn't think there was a problem, none of us would be.
Yes, please seek out a meeting, and don't dispair if the first one is not a fit for you, it may take time to find the right group, it did take me some time to find "My Group", but, the key is to keep searching until you feel you are in the right place.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by AskingWhy
OMG!!!!!!!!
How uncanny that my story and yours are soo much alike. That's how it's been with AW for the past two years....
How uncanny that my story and yours are soo much alike. That's how it's been with AW for the past two years....
Nope not at all-just had to chime in-stick around and you will see how similar all of our stories are hence how we came to this wonderful place SR and are turning to each other for support!
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