HKAngel24

So as I am sure everyone is aware abf is in Florida in a 6-month sober house. For some reason I found it easier to detach from him and his behaviors and STOP trying to ellict control when things weren't going well.

Now that he seems positive and is motivated in his recovery, I am terrified he will relapse. I am nervous about his seriousness.
I feel hopeless/powerless (because I know I am) but I can’t shirk the urge to obsess about my lack of control. I find myself wishing to choose who he is friends with, how many meetings he attends, what frame of mind he is in… things that I CANNOT control and focusing on will make me crazy.
I realize that I am trying to control because I want to control the outcome- that he remains clean and that things can be as I want them to be.
Like I feel I need to control because I do not think he has the willpower and am scared to put any hope in his recovery. I’ve even become superstitious that I do not want to think positively about ANYTHING for fear that it won’t pan out.

And I KNOW that I should be focused on my own recovery and be continuing to remind myself I need to detach daily from his recovery, his decisions, his life. I know he needs to own his recovery and I must own mine. So very hard.

I know this is a call for me to refocus my energies on myself, but it’s da*n hard letting go of the outcome and releasing the need to meddle in someone’s recovery.
I know his recovery needs to be about him and I cannot expect it to be about me and need to learn not to take it personally.

Ironically, I have been so hurt by the extent of this addiction that I feel I need to hold on tighter?? Doesn't really make sense although I do suppose if one invests themselves TOO much in another's recovery than they will attempt to hold on and control the outcome. (Codependent to the fullest!!)

I'm really needing to come to the acceptance part of Step 1 of being POWERLESS.
And I KNOW it comes back to me and the question of – how long do I want to feel like this- but I am so resistant. As I spoke of in my post yesterday – I am overwhelmed by my fears. Fears of him getting well and deciding he does not love me/want a future with me, fears of him not getting well aka relapsing, fear after fear after fear. I know I need reel these in myself but am hoping for a reality check from all of you.

Compound this with my relentless fears of his lack of love and I’m one huge example of the codependent crazies.
This is only his first full day.
I really am a lunatic.

HKAngel24

The other day in my Courage to Change reader was a passage relaying the "only person you can change is yourself" reading.
I guess I get blocked by the black-n-white thinking- all or nothing - hate him for what he did and detach OR be completely codependently crazy. Keep acting like I have control or be completely into myself. Believe that he does love me and his addiction is not personal OR feel that I am unlovable and he is just a jerk at the core. He is the man I fell in love with and means everything he says or he is merely an addict so nothing he feels for me can be real. Finding middle ground is something that will never be easy for anyone with a perfectionistic mindset.

As I mentioned in my post- I KNOW that it comes down to how long do I want to continue to live like this.
But frankly, I think that this is where I'm at right now and making a leap into "total and utter" acceptance doesn't look like it's going to be happening in the next, minute, hour or day. I am hoping that with persistance- with building up the idea that it is okay and safe to "let go" - I'll be able to slowly not merely "Act as if" but also FEEL it.

Everything in my life is viewed through a fear filter. ALot of the deicisions I make are ones that either try to protect me from the worst/prevent it OR to try to ensure that I get certain needs met (ones that I need to be meeting myself) which leads to controlling/crazy behavior.

frankie_b

As long as you stay in the problem by your own choice, you cannot get into the solution. It's that simple. Do you prefer your illusions of control over moving forward
and working your own recovery? It takes commitment, willingness, an open mind and courage to change. You have the power to change the things you can by doing
rather than "knowing" and blocking your own way with resistance.

By attending Alanon meetings, working with a sponsor and being willing to change I found a new life and focus for my life. There was nothing black and white about the process. I see recovery as a rainbow of promise. Until I became willing to take baby steps and reach for my rainbow I was doomed to sit under dark clouds, stuck in the misery of my own making.
Flowers do not bloom without care and nurturing.
Hugs