Letter to ABF (Part I)
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Letter to ABF (Part I)
I know this is probably the wrong thing to do. I am harboring resentment, anger and hostility so I thought I'd write all the things I would like to say but know that I shouldn't to my abf. If you care to read and/or comment, feel free. I am currently new to Al-Anon and have a lot of work to do. I realize that and know that I'm not where I need to be yet. Please forgive my tyraid. By the way, I've put off writing this for a while but I fear if I don't write it down, it's going to come out verbally and I don't want to do that because it will make me no better than afb.
Dear ABF,
I want to tell you all the things I've been thinking lately. I need to voice these feelings and get them out there instead of keeping them holed up inside of my head. It's not good for me, in fact I believe it's toxic and it needs to be released. I'm sure I am going to write things that aren't fair to you and I'm sure I am blaming you for some things which are my fault too as it takes two people to have a relationship. I don't believe I'm co-dependant but maybe after I write some of this down, I'll see it differently.
I am so unhappy with you. I did not expect this kind of life. I feel lied to and deceived by you. Maybe that's not exactly the truth, but it's how it feels. I don't completely feel like a victim because I also made decisions in this relationship. However, I don't feel you were honest with me regarding many things when you should have been up-front with me. My guess is that you were afraid I wouldn't have ventured into this relationship with you had I known. You were right. I wouldn't have. I was too healthy to continue in relationship that had an addition problem if I had been aware.
I feel you preyed on my love for you. I was soooo happy when we first got together. I had known you for years, not as well as I thought, but the image that you presented of yourself, was the image that I'd always known. Not just me but my friends too. Chris knew you as long, if not longer than I had and knew you better than me too. She was also so happy for me, us. It was truly a dream come true to finally be with such a handsome, kind, loving, sensitive, generous and honest man. Or so I thought. You presented all of those things and none of the negativity that I've come to know so well. You acted so self-confident and sure of yourself. You talked about how you care for other people and what a good person you were. I see now that you were trying to convince yourself as well as me. I didn't realize that then.
The first real mistake we made was keeping the baby without together for long. We did use protection, and for the most part were very careful, but not careful enough. I had this tiny little seed of life inside of me and I really didn't want to give it up. Our situations were less than ideal, we didn't know each other for very long and it was a huge gamble to keep the baby. I knew my head was right to not keep it, but my heart wanted to so badly. I felt that God wouldn't have allowed it to happen if it wasn't meant to. The odds were so great. And when you came to me the eve of our dr. appt. to say you really didn't want to give up the baby, I conceded. I knew it was taking a huge chance that things would work out. I knew that the odds weren't in our favor. I can see that I agreed to keep it as much as you wanted it. It's not your fault. But still, I wish you had been honest with me. I feel your selfish need to have a child so late in life and knowing you may not get that chance any time soon, outweighed your reasoning. Not long after I began to really notice that your drinking was really getting out of hand. I wasn't even with you long, and I met you right at the holidays. First Thanksgiving, then all the holiday parties and then New Year's Eve. The partying went on and on. I get that. It's not uncommon. And then the pressure of our relationship and keeping a baby. It was stressful. And scary. But I got scared and confronted you. You admitted it was more than you were comfortable with. That your drinking needed to be cut back. I felt relieved. When you said that the baby and me were more important than drinking, I believed you. Not just because I wanted to. Because I had no reason not to. I never dealt with an addict/alcoholic before personally. So I did. When you said you were going to quit for 30 days and couldn't/wouldn't follow through I was more than disappointed. And you felt justified when you decided not to follow up. You just said I can't do it and that was the end of it. No guilt, no remorse. Just matter of fact. Sorry, too bad for you. I knew I was in trouble at that moment.
I need to think more. I could probably write for 6 hours straight. I need to take a break. I'll write more tomorrow.
Jenny
Dear ABF,
I want to tell you all the things I've been thinking lately. I need to voice these feelings and get them out there instead of keeping them holed up inside of my head. It's not good for me, in fact I believe it's toxic and it needs to be released. I'm sure I am going to write things that aren't fair to you and I'm sure I am blaming you for some things which are my fault too as it takes two people to have a relationship. I don't believe I'm co-dependant but maybe after I write some of this down, I'll see it differently.
I am so unhappy with you. I did not expect this kind of life. I feel lied to and deceived by you. Maybe that's not exactly the truth, but it's how it feels. I don't completely feel like a victim because I also made decisions in this relationship. However, I don't feel you were honest with me regarding many things when you should have been up-front with me. My guess is that you were afraid I wouldn't have ventured into this relationship with you had I known. You were right. I wouldn't have. I was too healthy to continue in relationship that had an addition problem if I had been aware.
I feel you preyed on my love for you. I was soooo happy when we first got together. I had known you for years, not as well as I thought, but the image that you presented of yourself, was the image that I'd always known. Not just me but my friends too. Chris knew you as long, if not longer than I had and knew you better than me too. She was also so happy for me, us. It was truly a dream come true to finally be with such a handsome, kind, loving, sensitive, generous and honest man. Or so I thought. You presented all of those things and none of the negativity that I've come to know so well. You acted so self-confident and sure of yourself. You talked about how you care for other people and what a good person you were. I see now that you were trying to convince yourself as well as me. I didn't realize that then.
The first real mistake we made was keeping the baby without together for long. We did use protection, and for the most part were very careful, but not careful enough. I had this tiny little seed of life inside of me and I really didn't want to give it up. Our situations were less than ideal, we didn't know each other for very long and it was a huge gamble to keep the baby. I knew my head was right to not keep it, but my heart wanted to so badly. I felt that God wouldn't have allowed it to happen if it wasn't meant to. The odds were so great. And when you came to me the eve of our dr. appt. to say you really didn't want to give up the baby, I conceded. I knew it was taking a huge chance that things would work out. I knew that the odds weren't in our favor. I can see that I agreed to keep it as much as you wanted it. It's not your fault. But still, I wish you had been honest with me. I feel your selfish need to have a child so late in life and knowing you may not get that chance any time soon, outweighed your reasoning. Not long after I began to really notice that your drinking was really getting out of hand. I wasn't even with you long, and I met you right at the holidays. First Thanksgiving, then all the holiday parties and then New Year's Eve. The partying went on and on. I get that. It's not uncommon. And then the pressure of our relationship and keeping a baby. It was stressful. And scary. But I got scared and confronted you. You admitted it was more than you were comfortable with. That your drinking needed to be cut back. I felt relieved. When you said that the baby and me were more important than drinking, I believed you. Not just because I wanted to. Because I had no reason not to. I never dealt with an addict/alcoholic before personally. So I did. When you said you were going to quit for 30 days and couldn't/wouldn't follow through I was more than disappointed. And you felt justified when you decided not to follow up. You just said I can't do it and that was the end of it. No guilt, no remorse. Just matter of fact. Sorry, too bad for you. I knew I was in trouble at that moment.
I need to think more. I could probably write for 6 hours straight. I need to take a break. I'll write more tomorrow.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 51
this is a big step ur taking and it helps u even if he never sees this letter it helps u get it out of ur inside and on paper sumtimes we dont realzie all we have stored up in there that is eating away at our growth until we write it down read over it and go from there
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I'm in a lot of turmoil in my life right now. A friend of mine suggested journaling. I think I'm going to try it. Maybe getting your feelings on paper will help you sort out things. I'm hoping it will help me. That's a great letter.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Dear abf,
Trouble. That is a word I use frequently when speaking with you. Also when I think of you. It's a strange word to use with a boyfriend, it's more a word used with parents. My kids get in trouble because they don't know the rules. I don't have to know rules. I have free will. I am an adult. I get to make decisions for myself that effect my life. You don't get to tell me what to do, what to say, how to act, how to dress, where I can go and when I can do it. I have thus far allowed you to run my life to a point. I have conceded when I shouldn't have to keep the peace. We have enough arguments without debating every single thing you complain about. But I will not be a stepford wife. I have made that statement to you more times that I care to admit. If I feel that way, there is probably a valid reason for it. You disguise all of the rules by saying that things should be our decisions together because we are a couple. I agree that in a relationship, everyone needs to consider each other. But there are limits. Some decision can be made without consulting each other.
Why should I walk on eggshells around you? You certainly don't for me. It has become my attitude that I will not do it anymore. I cannot be somone you want me to be. I cannot be turned into a perfect person that always does and says everything right and never makes mistakes or lets you down. It's an impossible expectation. That defect in you has been around since your childhood. It has nothing to do with me. In fact, the big gapping hole you have inside of you cannot be filled by me, or by alcohol. The big gapping hole needs to be filled by you. You need to love yourself and actually think you are worthy of love. You can't possibly love me because you don't love you. You don't think another human being could actually love you and I understand why you think that. The way you've treated me during your drunken outbursts is hateful. You have tried to degrade and condescend me. You have tried to make me feel as small as you feel about yourself. I've told you before and I'll say it again. You cannot make me feel badly about myself. Mostly because I can't and don't respect your thoughts, especially when you are drunk. You look foolish and make no sense. You are an angry ogre and I wouldn't respect your opinion if it was the last one on earth. You have said to me that it amazes you that I have no insecurites. I've thought hard about that and you know what? I don't. But it didn't happen over night. I worked long and hard to learn to love and accept myself. You cannot take that away from me. I won't allow it. You don't have that kind of power. I'm sorry that makes you feel even smaller. The confidence I have and that you lack are exact opposites. I imagine that is probably one of the things you were attracted to when you met me. Unfortunately, I think it's also one of the biggest issues you have with me because it makes you feel worse about yourself. I know you are trying to drag me down to your level so that we can be even. It's all about even and right and wrong with you. You have such a need to win. You say you don't but you do. It happens all the time. Your pride is so important, your ego. And the fact that you lose all dignity when you are a raging lunatic when drunk makes you feel so badly about yourself. I understand that. I would also be embarrassed if I couldn't control myself. It's one of the things we have, self-control, so to lose that time and again, over and over must not feel very good. But I can't help you with that. That is your own responsibility. You are responsible for your own sobriety. I am responsible for myself.
Part III to be cont'
Jenny
Trouble. That is a word I use frequently when speaking with you. Also when I think of you. It's a strange word to use with a boyfriend, it's more a word used with parents. My kids get in trouble because they don't know the rules. I don't have to know rules. I have free will. I am an adult. I get to make decisions for myself that effect my life. You don't get to tell me what to do, what to say, how to act, how to dress, where I can go and when I can do it. I have thus far allowed you to run my life to a point. I have conceded when I shouldn't have to keep the peace. We have enough arguments without debating every single thing you complain about. But I will not be a stepford wife. I have made that statement to you more times that I care to admit. If I feel that way, there is probably a valid reason for it. You disguise all of the rules by saying that things should be our decisions together because we are a couple. I agree that in a relationship, everyone needs to consider each other. But there are limits. Some decision can be made without consulting each other.
Why should I walk on eggshells around you? You certainly don't for me. It has become my attitude that I will not do it anymore. I cannot be somone you want me to be. I cannot be turned into a perfect person that always does and says everything right and never makes mistakes or lets you down. It's an impossible expectation. That defect in you has been around since your childhood. It has nothing to do with me. In fact, the big gapping hole you have inside of you cannot be filled by me, or by alcohol. The big gapping hole needs to be filled by you. You need to love yourself and actually think you are worthy of love. You can't possibly love me because you don't love you. You don't think another human being could actually love you and I understand why you think that. The way you've treated me during your drunken outbursts is hateful. You have tried to degrade and condescend me. You have tried to make me feel as small as you feel about yourself. I've told you before and I'll say it again. You cannot make me feel badly about myself. Mostly because I can't and don't respect your thoughts, especially when you are drunk. You look foolish and make no sense. You are an angry ogre and I wouldn't respect your opinion if it was the last one on earth. You have said to me that it amazes you that I have no insecurites. I've thought hard about that and you know what? I don't. But it didn't happen over night. I worked long and hard to learn to love and accept myself. You cannot take that away from me. I won't allow it. You don't have that kind of power. I'm sorry that makes you feel even smaller. The confidence I have and that you lack are exact opposites. I imagine that is probably one of the things you were attracted to when you met me. Unfortunately, I think it's also one of the biggest issues you have with me because it makes you feel worse about yourself. I know you are trying to drag me down to your level so that we can be even. It's all about even and right and wrong with you. You have such a need to win. You say you don't but you do. It happens all the time. Your pride is so important, your ego. And the fact that you lose all dignity when you are a raging lunatic when drunk makes you feel so badly about yourself. I understand that. I would also be embarrassed if I couldn't control myself. It's one of the things we have, self-control, so to lose that time and again, over and over must not feel very good. But I can't help you with that. That is your own responsibility. You are responsible for your own sobriety. I am responsible for myself.
Part III to be cont'
Jenny
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