Change4life

Everytime Ihang with either my friend Jimmy or chrissy I end up screwed up.. I know this so why do I keep doing the same thing I just dont know.

I was sweating my relationship with Jimmy this morning when he called to tell me he might not be coming back, and might stay on the road with his job.

I know he expected me to be upset, but I was so friggin relieved.
i cant figure out how to stay away from him so if he leaves it will make things so much easier on me.

Weve been good friends for years, but the bottom line is that he does drugs and when Im with him I do them to. I hate to say it but I hope he never comes back. I want to gain some control and I am having a very hard time.

im not saying I am an angel when i am by myself, but if I get an urge I can fight it if im alone. its kinda hard to resist when someone is putting rocks and pills and dope in your face.

Im really close to giving up and just accepting the fact that I am going to die from drugs and or alcohol, cause I just cant stop.

Hopefully with him gone I stand some kind of shot.

Im really sorry to say I am at the end of my rope.

I was doing pretty well and I dont know how I let things get so out of hand again, but yesterday I was trying to look back on the last month and realized I couldnt remember. The whole friggin month is one big fog.

today I finally had to admit to myself that I am not taking an occasional pill. I am popping pills again. Im not taking the occasional drink, I am in full blown alkie mode... again. Ive done coke more than half of the month so it is safe to say I am on coke.....again.

Day one again, and not even cause I had 3 shots this morning just so I could make it to work. Im home now and dont plan on drinking anything.

Here I go again........

parentrecovers

hey bfree - don't give up. blessings, k

stone

(((((((Beth)))))))

Dee74

do NOT give up Beth.

D

Change4life

I dont want to give up, but I am feeling completely beaten.
Im bck in crying mode cause I feel so helpless in this.

I had a brief moment of accepting a higher power and wanting to surrender, but I dont know everything seems so hard and so far gone.

And I just feel so friggin alone in this, even though I know Im not. I just feel that way.

I have my counseling session tonight, but that is basically a joke cause I know she speaks to my PO and I dont trust her so I never really speak any whole truths.

I would much rather go to the womens meeting tonight. Which I desperately need, but if I cancel with her I will get in trouble. It makes no sense to me. If people want me to get help than why dont they let me get the help I need? Not what the court prescribes.

Do I have to end up dead before someone asks themselves if maybe they didnt deal with my problems or let me deal with them the right way.

Anna

(((Beth)))

parentrecovers

who are you reaching out to, besides us at sr? na? aa? you don't have to do this alone.

Daisy1975

If it's any consolation, I moved to another city just to get away from my ex and the influences. We were together for 17 years (high school sweethearts). I couldn't stay sober around him (I sure can relate to a whole month being a fog!) and I began to abuse cocaine when with him too because it was always around. I just wasn't strong enough.

We lived in a beautiful, large two bedroom/two bathroom apartment. I literally left all the furniture and things there when I left because he had paid for them & it became such a nightmare fighting with him. I am now in a new city, don't know a soul and am in this teeny tiny little apartment. I don't even have a couch yet! The good news though is I am starting to feel safe for the first time in years. I have slipped up already in the past few days, but like you- am at least admitiing it to myself.

It sounds like your friend being on the road is going to be a positive thing for you. Anyway, sorry to ramble on - I know there is hope for both of us.

Change4life

I go to meetings occasionally, but never say a word so I guess I need to do some reaching out. I still dont have one #.
Whenever I plan on going to a meeting I watch the clock tick, tick, tick and the meeting comes and goes.
im not doing what needs to be done and that is why im so frustrated. its up to me, if I dont take the actions no one can help me.

I think I gave up a long time ago thaqts why I dont bother with the meetings. Im just admitting it to myself today.

Astro

You're not supposed to do this alone, Beth. Many people try, I'm one of them, it didn't work for me either to be a loner. There's a reason it's called a Fellowship, it's a "we" program, you watch my back and I'll watch yours. It's also a program of participation, many people will reach out to you, but if you don't reach back they can't help you.

Nobody here wants to see anyone fail. We all want the best for everyone when it comes to recovery. Don't give up before the miracle happens.

Dom

You can restart your day at any moment. Once you start making phonecalls you will see how helpful they are. I feel stronger after a call with another addict/alcoholic in recovery.

Rowan

Beth,

I hope you don't mean what you said about giving up, and not bothering with the meetings.

I hate cliches, but I'm going to use one: 'Recovery is for those who want it, not who need it.'

You are not a victim. Nor was I. I just felt like one. But I was just like everybody else, and if I wanted to get well, I was going to do whatever it took. It took two relapses, a lot of meetings, a sh!tload of depression, time off work, visits to shrinks and addiction counsellors, but I finally feel like I am out of the woods.

I still have days where I want to drink - just say to he!! with everyone and everything I deserve to drink/swallow some pills whatever. But every morning I make a decision that I am not going to do these things, and I ask for help.

Do you want to get well? If you do, you will get well. The only thing holding you back is you

GlassPrisoner

I'm sorry Beth.

It may be that saying you're beat and still using is easier right now. It won't be. You've heard our stories, you KNOW what you get to look forward to.

I really hate to see anyone get to the point that I did. That is, no one to turn to, no where to go.. Complete and total hopelesness and desperation. But then again, I'm so damn stubborn that that is what it took me to get into recovery.....

Dee74

listen to Rowan, Beth.

D

stone

Ditto.

Change4life

my thinking was real messed up yesterday. I rested most of the day after work. I only left the house to go to counseling and it went well for a change.

We started talking about why I seemingly hate myself and treat myself so badly. It was definetly food for thought. Im sick today, but I am no drinking anything so far and dont plan on it. Im just gonna try to get through the few hours at work then come back home and lay down.

I just wanted to check in to let everyone know I am Ok for now and havent given up yet.

Ineed to start doing more and take more of other peoples advice

My way aint working, and it neve will. Im going to try and see if there are any meetings tonight. I know there are no nA meetings which i do like better, but there should be an AA meeting somewhere.

All of you are right!!

Missymae737

Hello,

Lots of great info given here so I won't add anything.

I am thinking of you...Keep posting, we are glad you are here.

Change4life

I know I have to take full responsibility for my using and not blame anyone else.. Its just that whenever i go back to the drugs I am always with the same person and I need to reinforce that fact in my brain.

The last fall stemmed from ME allowing myself to go somewhere I knew damn well I had no business being.

I have the power to not to go there, but once there I have no power to say no.
As I left the house I knew i was making a big mistake, and I went anyway. That is my f-up not his.

That is all water under the bridge now. I need to make a plan and stick to it. I have been way to wishy washy about recovery so far.

I dont put sopbriety first.
I dont attend meetings
I still see people that are triggers for me and expect things to be different.
Instaed of facing the challenges in front of me ive been choosing to get high fo some fast temporary relief.

Noone said sobriety would be a comfortable state to be in especially in the beginning, but in all honesty I just cant deal with all thats been going on. My living arrangements alone are more than I can take. its getting to the point where its put out or get out. So this roof over my head is short lived and I have no idea where I am going to go after this.

I wish I could get it together so I could get a fT job and finally get a place of my own again.

not only will Drinking and drugging not make the problems go away it just compounds them.

now having said all that I am in tears again cause I still strongly doubt I can stop drinking.

When I am sober I know I can stop the drugs, but drinking has always been another story.

meanwhile I have started to write goodbye letters to my mom and brother. I have a few other family members and some friends also on the list.
I just want to say goodbye and apologize.
My liver hurts my kidneys hurt. I am so bloated I look more swollen than a bloated blowfish.

im still Gonna go look up meetings for tonight.

Thanks to everyone.
Beth

parentrecovers

please, bfree - see a doctor. blessings, k

Anna

Beth, your last post shows that your thinking today, is very clear, except that you cannot give up.

I hope you save that post and reread it when you need to.

And, yes, you can stop drinking. You must not give up and give into this disease.

Please talk to a dr about your health and see if you can get into a treatment center.