veryregretful

Hi,

This is my first post. I have read many posts here and it has helped me with dealing with my AH of 18 years. Let's begin with me and my girlfriend went out and had a few drinks while on vacation at our camp. I guess you could say we came back wasted. I don't feel I am an alcholic. I don't need to drink maybe have a drink socially here and there. But this night we both drank heavily. We get back to the campsite and my husband is there. We started to show him our tan lines and use your imagination for the rest. It was stopped before any real lines were crossed but some minor lines were crossed. My AH was also drinking before we got back. I have never done anything like this before and have been sick about it ever since. My AH is blaming me for the whole thing even though he had a big part to play in this also. I am so disgusted with myself, him and my friend. I have always thought about having my AH leave I felt pretty good. But now that he is ready to leave I am really scared. Right now I am so messed up in the head over what had happened. My AH is taking no responsibility for anything that happened. My friend and I realize what we did and nothing like that has ever happened before or will every happen again. I guess my question is, if anyone wants to read this and answer this post is, how do I deal with my own indescetions drinking but not tolerate my verbally abusive husband. He has been nonstop verbally abusive since this incident. He has always been verbally abusive but this takes the cake. Now he wants to leave and I'm very scared. I am also embarrassed, sickened, feeling quilty about what we did. I also feel like I relasped to following him around like a puppy dog because of my quilt. I know this is very confusing but if someone would like to reply or not that's fine. And please, I will take any posts good or bad to heart and learn from them.

thanks for reading

Barbara52

First, know that everyone makes mistakes. Lord knows I've made some whoppers.

Second, forgive yourself for making a mistake and let it go.

From there, well, figure out what you want and figure out how you can get there. Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself what is the worse possible outcome if X happens. Once I figure that part out, then I figure out what I can do to prevent or react to X happening.

If your AH leaves you, will you be better off, emotionally, physically, financially and every other way? If your AH leaves you, would that be a bad thing?

denny57

Welcome, veryregretful

There is a difference between one time mistakes and a lifetime of the same one over and over. Shame can be a very valuable tool in that it allows me to acknowledge I did something wrong. Carrying it around forever after making my amends only makes me sick.

I'd suggest individual counseling to rid yourself of the shame over this one incident; and Al-Anon for the confusion of living with alcoholism.

Keep posting!

Wanttobefree

Hi! You made a mistake. Take the lesson there is to learn from it, put it behind you and forget it. You don't need to beat yourself up about it. Life is about learning. I did something once that was a big time boo boo and I live with an verbally abusive A also. I just told him I was sorry, embarrassed, ashamed, and had no intention of doing it again and then I told him I DID NOT want to hear about it or discuss it again. Amazingly enough, I did not hear about it again. (Heard about everything else though, ha ha.) I have always thought that there are enough people in this world willing to beat you up, without beating yourself up too. And, beside, who among us has never went sideways a time or two? The difference is, do we learn from it or not. Hugs!

LGLG07

ditto to what everyone else has said .. you made a mistake , we all do .. Let it go . The biggest thing is that you learn from it . You know better now and it could of been worse .

(())s to you ... dont be so hard on yourself !

splendra

I am hoping you will stop following your H around he probably likes that you feel guilty and that gives him energy to keep being abusive with you. Not good for you or him...

parentrecovers

just wanted to welcome you, veryregretful. keep posting, k

lovemypup

I dont see where you made a mistake. So what if you got drunk. So what if you showed your husband tan lines. He is your husband. Your friend may have made a mistake if she showed him something she should not have.
Don't beat yourself up over having a good time. You are not the one with the alchohol problem. You can drink occasionaly as long as you are not hurting anyone or putting anyones life in jeopardy.
Don't put up with the crap he is giving you. Put up your boundary and blow him off.

lostnfound1961

First of all, we have all done stuff we regret, drunk and sober. M question to you is this, do YOU feel bad about what you did or is HE making you feel bad about what you did? How much of the feelings are yours.

Own your feelings and let him own his. Maybe what you did wasn't such a bad thing after all?

respektingme

I agree with the others, everyone has done things they regret. Everybody has. No use in continuing to beat yourself up over it.

GlassPrisoner

Yup, what Denny said. Once is not a repeatng, never ending pattern.

Besides, it sounds rather innocent to me. My good circle of friends and I (Male and Female) were inebreiated once and ended up naked in a hot tub. There was no touching or anything really risque besides one of the girls doing a "size check". We laughed about it then, and still do.

I guess it all depends on how comfortable you are with sexuality, we're all different. Like the Big Book says (paraphrased) about sex "some would have their food bland, with no spices, while others have to have the hottest peppers...."

veryregretful

Thanks for all you support. I, myself, feel bad for what all three of us did.

Lovemypup - It was just more than showing tan lines

We did stop before we really crossed the big line. I am too ashamed to explained what happened. I also feel that he too is feeling quilty because he and I both brought another into the scenerio. We all stopped and said "what are we doing!!" I think because he feels guilty he is putting all the blame on me where he could have said no so I feel he is just as quilty as I am. Today at work I did a pretty good job holding myself together. I have never done anything like we did before and I never intended to. If my marriage were to break up I don't want it because of something I did. I would rather it was because of him. I have been contemplating having me leave because of his alcoholism and his verbal abusing me. I must be sick also. I have been to alanon and the kids to alateen. Once football and cheerleading started the times coincided so I will have to wait until the season is overnow. My kids do want to go back.

Gotta continue on - have to bring kids to library to get books for school then get them something for supper

Thanks for listening and I'm trying not to be to hard on myself. I think that I did something wrong and in time my embarassment and guilt will subside.

veryregretful

glass prisoner - My husband was involved in the touching and etc. but not crossed the line if you know what I mean. I was touching and she was touching. He feels like I cheated on him. I guess maybe he isn't that comfortable with his sexuality.

Thanks for replying