I need some help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 10
I need some help.
I have been dating an addict for the past year and a half. I didn't know he was an addict when we met. When he moved in with me was when his addiction took over. I lost everything!! My house was almost foreclosed, my jeep wrangler was wrecked by him when he was out getting a fix, and he wipped out my bank account. He ended up going to jail, which I thought was a good thing. He is now working on become sober, and has now been for the last 4 months. I have stuck by this man through all of this. I have loved him with all my heart, soul, and being. He is cheating on me. I am hurt by this. What do I do? I don't want to break up with him because I love him, then again he is just hurting me again and blaming his cheating on me. He is now sleeping with a girl he meet at the meetings he goes to. She is 90 days sober and new he had a girlfriend, I know this because I spoke with her about it. I feel used and underappreciated, yet I still love him.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Does anyone have any advice for me?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome. One thing most of us are here is honest. In my opinion it seems obvious: Pull your heart out from under the knife. Nothing feels as good as letting go.
Value yourself more than you do and stop the insanity. Jump back into your own life and out of this drama. If he is still living with you get him out, today. Work on your own side of the street. Why did you move a man in so quickly. Why do your tolerate the deal breakers of addiction + infidelity. Answer those questions rather than trying to figure him out and your future will be healthier. Even in your sadness you must take some positive action. Be objective here. What would you asdvise a girlfriend in this situation????
Value yourself more than you do and stop the insanity. Jump back into your own life and out of this drama. If he is still living with you get him out, today. Work on your own side of the street. Why did you move a man in so quickly. Why do your tolerate the deal breakers of addiction + infidelity. Answer those questions rather than trying to figure him out and your future will be healthier. Even in your sadness you must take some positive action. Be objective here. What would you asdvise a girlfriend in this situation????
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Please get this book and read it---"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
it is about dealing with an addict in your life.
Welcome to SR and keep posting. There is a lot of support here. Many have gone through what you have gone through.
Also try an al-anon or nar-anon meeting.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.nar-anon.org/naranongroups.htm
it is about dealing with an addict in your life.
Welcome to SR and keep posting. There is a lot of support here. Many have gone through what you have gone through.
Also try an al-anon or nar-anon meeting.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.nar-anon.org/naranongroups.htm
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I really have no business telling people what they should or should not do, but it sounds as though this man does not respect you.
You deserve someone who can be there for YOU. Do you think that if the situation as reversed and you were going through this that he would have stood by you?
You deserve someone to cherish and love you. I know you may not feel it, but you do.
Being subjected to my abf's addiction and loving him and standing by him has cost me so much of my self-esteem and sanity. Even now after he has sought help- I still feel so far away from being able to detach and move forward with my life. I am so subbornly resisting this like a child. I know I deserve to be in control of my life- so do you. It's good to remember that how we FEEL is not necessarily what is actually happening. Often when exposed to addiction we become just as sick mentally as the addicts. tHERE is a tremendous well of support and insight here at SR.
Read the stickies at the t op of this forum, the Loved ones of Alcoholics and the Relationship ones. They have all been essential for me in shedding light on the REAL situation.
I KNOW you love him. I know that this hurts. You do have choices. I cannot tell you what to do but, you are in my thoughts.
You deserve someone who will
You deserve someone who can be there for YOU. Do you think that if the situation as reversed and you were going through this that he would have stood by you?
You deserve someone to cherish and love you. I know you may not feel it, but you do.
Being subjected to my abf's addiction and loving him and standing by him has cost me so much of my self-esteem and sanity. Even now after he has sought help- I still feel so far away from being able to detach and move forward with my life. I am so subbornly resisting this like a child. I know I deserve to be in control of my life- so do you. It's good to remember that how we FEEL is not necessarily what is actually happening. Often when exposed to addiction we become just as sick mentally as the addicts. tHERE is a tremendous well of support and insight here at SR.
Read the stickies at the t op of this forum, the Loved ones of Alcoholics and the Relationship ones. They have all been essential for me in shedding light on the REAL situation.
I KNOW you love him. I know that this hurts. You do have choices. I cannot tell you what to do but, you are in my thoughts.
You deserve someone who will
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Seems that you have been through alot in a short period of time. Rememeber that you have choices in life. You can choose to stay and continue to be abused by his actions, or you can choose to walk, and rebuild your life. This is a choice only you can make.
Loving him is one thing, loving yourself is the primary goal, and that is very difficult to do when you are with someone who cheats on you. That very action show that he does not respect you or your relationship with him.
When you have had enough, you will know it, it will be very clear, until then, nothing will change.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Seems that you have been through alot in a short period of time. Rememeber that you have choices in life. You can choose to stay and continue to be abused by his actions, or you can choose to walk, and rebuild your life. This is a choice only you can make.
Loving him is one thing, loving yourself is the primary goal, and that is very difficult to do when you are with someone who cheats on you. That very action show that he does not respect you or your relationship with him.
When you have had enough, you will know it, it will be very clear, until then, nothing will change.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Welcome to SR!
You're definitely among friends here. I remember feeling VERY alone...like no one could possibly get how I could profess to love my exah (ex addict husband) and yet continue to let him harm me with his addiction.
As I read your post, I could only wonder...do you REALLY love him? What is your definition of love? Does he really fit it? Maybe you do love him...or...maybe you're afraid of being alone...or you love the idea of him but not the man himself. What you're feeling could be alot of different things but is it really love? Love is healthy...love makes us better people...not weaker ones.
I had to ask myself these questions too becuase when I started on my journey towards recovery, I also held onto the belief that I LOVED my exah. And I did at one time...but addiction has a way of warping our perception of reality and lowering our standards without us even knowing it. Pretty soon (before we know it) love turns into something all together different...
Welcome again...I hope you stick around and let us get to know you better. We all learn so much from each other...
You're definitely among friends here. I remember feeling VERY alone...like no one could possibly get how I could profess to love my exah (ex addict husband) and yet continue to let him harm me with his addiction.
As I read your post, I could only wonder...do you REALLY love him? What is your definition of love? Does he really fit it? Maybe you do love him...or...maybe you're afraid of being alone...or you love the idea of him but not the man himself. What you're feeling could be alot of different things but is it really love? Love is healthy...love makes us better people...not weaker ones.
I had to ask myself these questions too becuase when I started on my journey towards recovery, I also held onto the belief that I LOVED my exah. And I did at one time...but addiction has a way of warping our perception of reality and lowering our standards without us even knowing it. Pretty soon (before we know it) love turns into something all together different...
Welcome again...I hope you stick around and let us get to know you better. We all learn so much from each other...
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((mka))))
Welcome! I hate what you are going thru. I wish I could make it all better for you. It sounds like this guy has just run the entire gambit in a very short time.
I am hoping you will start to question your motives for staying in this relationship. He did hit you hard and fast I know you must feel very over-whelmed by it all. He hit you in the wallet and the heart and is trying to blame you for it....typical addict response in my opinion. I can't imagine that you did anything to deserve this kind of treatment....
I know you probably want to hang on and see what happens. I am hoping you will get some strength and kick his butt to the curb!!!
Welcome! I hate what you are going thru. I wish I could make it all better for you. It sounds like this guy has just run the entire gambit in a very short time.
I am hoping you will start to question your motives for staying in this relationship. He did hit you hard and fast I know you must feel very over-whelmed by it all. He hit you in the wallet and the heart and is trying to blame you for it....typical addict response in my opinion. I can't imagine that you did anything to deserve this kind of treatment....
I know you probably want to hang on and see what happens. I am hoping you will get some strength and kick his butt to the curb!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Mka,
I am so sorry you are having these problems with him. I have to agree with the above... it sounds like you would be better off without him. I know you feel attached to him, but he has done nothing but hurt you for a considerable length of time. Wouldn't it feel better to have those kinds of feelings for someone who would return them enough to act like it? I'm glad he's been sober for a few months, but if he's cheating on you, then he is still not being a responsible adult and could very well develop addictive tendancies to something else, whether it be sex, gambling, food, stealing, you name it. That is a very dangerous combination. I hope you will protect yourself by running now, while you can see clearly enough to do so.
*hugs and prayers*
I am so sorry you are having these problems with him. I have to agree with the above... it sounds like you would be better off without him. I know you feel attached to him, but he has done nothing but hurt you for a considerable length of time. Wouldn't it feel better to have those kinds of feelings for someone who would return them enough to act like it? I'm glad he's been sober for a few months, but if he's cheating on you, then he is still not being a responsible adult and could very well develop addictive tendancies to something else, whether it be sex, gambling, food, stealing, you name it. That is a very dangerous combination. I hope you will protect yourself by running now, while you can see clearly enough to do so.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R.
i am glad you found us. please read all the stickys at the top of the forum,read"what addicts do" read all the post other have written. dealing with an addict is a long hard road that sometimes does not end.my son is addicted to crack & has been for the pass 12 yrs.in & out of prison for the pass 19yrs, due to drugs & alcohol.it does not get any better.your b.f. will take everything from you.he will suck the very blood out of you.you are worth so much more than him & the things he is doing.read around & keep coming back.prayers for u both.
i am glad you found us. please read all the stickys at the top of the forum,read"what addicts do" read all the post other have written. dealing with an addict is a long hard road that sometimes does not end.my son is addicted to crack & has been for the pass 12 yrs.in & out of prison for the pass 19yrs, due to drugs & alcohol.it does not get any better.your b.f. will take everything from you.he will suck the very blood out of you.you are worth so much more than him & the things he is doing.read around & keep coming back.prayers for u both.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Some of us have a very "skewed" idea of what love is... and what it is not.
Love is sharing, giving, caring, respecting, laughing and supporting... in both directions.
If it can't be in both directions... then perhaps it is "need".
In my experience, need is a very selfish thing, a very self-focused thing and not a foundation upon which long-term relationships can grow.
What I would urge you to do is two things -
1. seek out counseling and be brutally honest with the counselor.
2. try about 6 Alanon meetings to see if they help.
These things helped me - very much, but I didn't go until I got to the point where you I was ready to give up what I had been doing in order to gain a bunch of other things.
I wish you the best.
Love is sharing, giving, caring, respecting, laughing and supporting... in both directions.
If it can't be in both directions... then perhaps it is "need".
In my experience, need is a very selfish thing, a very self-focused thing and not a foundation upon which long-term relationships can grow.
What I would urge you to do is two things -
1. seek out counseling and be brutally honest with the counselor.
2. try about 6 Alanon meetings to see if they help.
These things helped me - very much, but I didn't go until I got to the point where you I was ready to give up what I had been doing in order to gain a bunch of other things.
I wish you the best.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Hi and welcome to SR!!
there are sticky's at the top of the forum....wonderful reading, and I've taken the liberty of copying and pasting one of them here for you. Perhaps this will help to put things in perspective for you.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
there are sticky's at the top of the forum....wonderful reading, and I've taken the liberty of copying and pasting one of them here for you. Perhaps this will help to put things in perspective for you.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 10
Thank you all for your thoughts. I have decided to leave him. I do love him, with all of my heart, but I do know that that love is not returned. He used me, and if I were to stick around with him I would just be allowing him to use me again. It kills me to let go, I don't want to let go, but I have to for my own mental health. I cannot continue on this distructive path. I hold him in my thoughts and prayers, and hope that one day he is strong enough to surpase his addiction and find the meaning of true happiness. I know I cannot bring him that when his mind is only focused on what he wants and how he is going to get it.
I am seeking out counseling, and have my first session on Wednesday. I am really looking forward to this path of healing that I have put myself on. I am going to keep coming to this room to talk, it seems to make me feel better.
Once again, thank you for your kind words of wisdom. It feels good to discuss this issue with others who understand completely what I am going through.
I am seeking out counseling, and have my first session on Wednesday. I am really looking forward to this path of healing that I have put myself on. I am going to keep coming to this room to talk, it seems to make me feel better.
Once again, thank you for your kind words of wisdom. It feels good to discuss this issue with others who understand completely what I am going through.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
mka...
you absolutely have to do what is right for you. Having been to the depths of addiction with my daughter, and I mean depths, I would never knowingly be with an addict. Unfortunately I have no choice. Certainly if I were dating one, I would run for the hills, knowing what I know now.
I love my daughter, and would want someone to stick by her, but on the flip side. I would not stick by one myself.
Keep coming back, it's helpful to talk to people in the same boat.
NSW
you absolutely have to do what is right for you. Having been to the depths of addiction with my daughter, and I mean depths, I would never knowingly be with an addict. Unfortunately I have no choice. Certainly if I were dating one, I would run for the hills, knowing what I know now.
I love my daughter, and would want someone to stick by her, but on the flip side. I would not stick by one myself.
Keep coming back, it's helpful to talk to people in the same boat.
NSW
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
