Mixed Feelings- So hard
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Mixed Feelings- So hard
Well, (takes deep breath) abf is off to his Recovery house in Florida. He came out of his rehab where he has been for a little over a month and called me from his father's house. He had sent me a letter last week that indicated his commitment to recovery and a future together. Merely words. Things I WANT to believe, but that I know have no meaning on paper. In fact - when I hear him being kind or his old self- my internal alarms and defense systems perk up because I have been conditioned to FEAR any sign of the man I fell in love with, because for the past six months I have had glimmers of this person that have been quickly overridden by lies, deception and betrayal.
He was staying overnight at his Dad's and they were going to be driving down the following day- stopping to see his grandmother who is undergoing surgery for lung cancer. I drove to his father's house to see him for a few hours. He looked different. He was calmer and more gentle, but in being in his presence I could feel the place in me that is deeply empty and filled with fear. It was resistant to any sort of hope or even belief and prevented me from feeling the emotional connection I had once allowed myself to experience with him. I have been crushed so many times before when I have *hoped* that things would be different and they never were. He is in a good place, I think, which makes it hard because I am not simultaneously in that spot of self-acceptance and positivity.
I have LEARNED to be afraid of this man emotionally.
I have contemplated forgiveness but feel that I am not there yet. I am very afraid.
I realize I need to take this time to work on myself and cultivate an inner peace and basic sense of self-worth that is unshakable. I need to recover from MY codependency and take back power over my life. I have so many mixed emotions at the moment and am having trouble trusting myself to get through this since this time he has been in rehab I have struggled like a lunatic to let go and focus on me.
It is so tempting to continue to worry and obsess about the future and HIM and HIS feelings for me, but I have to keep reminding myself that this is ONLY serving to keep me out of MY recovery and prevent me from moving forward and growing. It is some warped and deluded attempt to control.
I firmly believe inside of me I some how believe that my worrying and the deapth to which I experience fear will somehow ward off that which I am afraid of?? Crazy, I know.
Throughout the course of him getting sick I was this marathon codependent- relentless about reminding him of the life and future he DESERVES and CAN have "if only _____" (fill in the blank with what he WASN'T doing, but what I was trying to FORCE.) I kept giving- to a fault- and that was something I do take responsibility for- but that also scares me because it indicates that there is a lack of inner restraint and self-care that I need to work on.
Attending to my OWN recovery and my OWN life is going to be hard.
I keep hearing quotes in my mind, "No one said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it."
I know he has so much further to go despite him saying that this past month has been the hardest thing he has ever had to get through and if he can make it through that then he can do anything. He told me of a quote I always use to remind him of- "The only way to the other side is through it."
Very true. I need to take my own advice. I suppose this is acceptance of the realization that pinning my TODAY on a tomorrow based on someone else is uncontrollable and shaky. I think that it is a codie impulse NOT to be able to let go of the future and be present in today- to be focused on controlling the variables that are really not ours to control and to cultivate a self-trust. Operating from a place based on self love and not clinging to hopes and dreams that are futuristic is something I need to work on tremendously. I pray for the willingness, guidance and self-compassion to be able to move forward despite how afraid I am.
Thanks for listening.
He was staying overnight at his Dad's and they were going to be driving down the following day- stopping to see his grandmother who is undergoing surgery for lung cancer. I drove to his father's house to see him for a few hours. He looked different. He was calmer and more gentle, but in being in his presence I could feel the place in me that is deeply empty and filled with fear. It was resistant to any sort of hope or even belief and prevented me from feeling the emotional connection I had once allowed myself to experience with him. I have been crushed so many times before when I have *hoped* that things would be different and they never were. He is in a good place, I think, which makes it hard because I am not simultaneously in that spot of self-acceptance and positivity.
I have LEARNED to be afraid of this man emotionally.
I have contemplated forgiveness but feel that I am not there yet. I am very afraid.
I realize I need to take this time to work on myself and cultivate an inner peace and basic sense of self-worth that is unshakable. I need to recover from MY codependency and take back power over my life. I have so many mixed emotions at the moment and am having trouble trusting myself to get through this since this time he has been in rehab I have struggled like a lunatic to let go and focus on me.
It is so tempting to continue to worry and obsess about the future and HIM and HIS feelings for me, but I have to keep reminding myself that this is ONLY serving to keep me out of MY recovery and prevent me from moving forward and growing. It is some warped and deluded attempt to control.
I firmly believe inside of me I some how believe that my worrying and the deapth to which I experience fear will somehow ward off that which I am afraid of?? Crazy, I know.
Throughout the course of him getting sick I was this marathon codependent- relentless about reminding him of the life and future he DESERVES and CAN have "if only _____" (fill in the blank with what he WASN'T doing, but what I was trying to FORCE.) I kept giving- to a fault- and that was something I do take responsibility for- but that also scares me because it indicates that there is a lack of inner restraint and self-care that I need to work on.
Attending to my OWN recovery and my OWN life is going to be hard.
I keep hearing quotes in my mind, "No one said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it."
I know he has so much further to go despite him saying that this past month has been the hardest thing he has ever had to get through and if he can make it through that then he can do anything. He told me of a quote I always use to remind him of- "The only way to the other side is through it."
Very true. I need to take my own advice. I suppose this is acceptance of the realization that pinning my TODAY on a tomorrow based on someone else is uncontrollable and shaky. I think that it is a codie impulse NOT to be able to let go of the future and be present in today- to be focused on controlling the variables that are really not ours to control and to cultivate a self-trust. Operating from a place based on self love and not clinging to hopes and dreams that are futuristic is something I need to work on tremendously. I pray for the willingness, guidance and self-compassion to be able to move forward despite how afraid I am.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Rensselaer, NY
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by HKAngel24 
I realize I need to take this time to work on myself and cultivate an inner peace and basic sense of self-worth that is unshakable.
Laurie
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Sending prayers your way Heather. Just a thought, to print out your post and have it available for you to read if/when you come across hard days. You were right on with everything you said in your post.
Hugs to you
Terri
Hugs to you
Terri
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Hang in there Heather!!
I got so depressed when my exabf's addiction came to light I laid in bed for days. I didn't want to move. My whole world had just crashed around me and there I was.....alone for the first time in years.
After a few days I realized the world kept going. It didn't stop just because I wanted to so I'd better make the best of each day I had here. You can do this. You can get through this and if you can't seem to do it one day at a time.....take it one hour at a time........one minute at a time. Each minute you get through is a step forward.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Kris
I got so depressed when my exabf's addiction came to light I laid in bed for days. I didn't want to move. My whole world had just crashed around me and there I was.....alone for the first time in years.
After a few days I realized the world kept going. It didn't stop just because I wanted to so I'd better make the best of each day I had here. You can do this. You can get through this and if you can't seem to do it one day at a time.....take it one hour at a time........one minute at a time. Each minute you get through is a step forward.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Kris
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
((((heather))))) you are getting so strong in your recovery. you have done this one day ata time.don't change a thing. if it is working & it is why change.i am proud of you. my prayers are for both of you. maybe this will be his miracle but time will tell.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thank you all for your kind words and support.
The frustrating place is knowing where you need to go but not being entirely sure HOW to get there. I think I need a roadmap
If only such a map were available - or an instruction booklet on detachment.
I feel myself swinging back and forth between the panic and devestation and fear of things not working out (aka him rejecting me) -- I have internalized all of what has happened as a result of addiciton and viewed it through a skewed telescope that filters only indications of rejection and abandonment and very much plays into the "I have no control over my life- I am inherently worthless and undeserving at my core" position I've remained stuck in the past few months.
Once the drama faded and he entered rebab, I felt like the lone actor on a stage with the spotlight directly upon her, directly shining into her eyes and preventing her from seeing around her. I was left to face myself and could observe all the things that were wrong, but didn't feel strong enough or had the adequate tools to move out of a place of change.
It's strange that some people develop this reverse "entitlement" believing that they need someone to give them permission to take charge of their life or even simple to change. I can imagine the embracing of change and charging forward to be a leap of faith- one that feels so terrifying at the moment.
I have resolved myself to the fact that I do want to be the woman I once was... a mild feminist who had clear boundaries what was and was not acceptable. There was a time when I knew who I was and I was unapologetic about it. I accepted that I was sensitive, emotional, insecure at times, philosophical, and that not everyone would match up with that. For years I felt I had met and dated people who did not have the capacity to feel on the level that I did or to express it and left me feeling inept merely because they could not relate to me. I vowed then to never eliminate parts of myself for another. I realize there is a part of me that was damaged -even before abf was in the picture. I have never fully healed myself. I think I have come close, but as with any addiction- you must be vigilant about feeding your self-esteem and for me I may ALWAYS revert to the "i am worthless" given enough exposure to such things like insanity of addiction. I don't think I realized the emotional damage it was doing to me- until the dust settled and I was able to reflect on how broken and sick I had become.
I imagine it will be a struggle to focus on myself. If there are any of you who have felt the resistance- I would appreciate knowing what worked for you?
I'm pretty visual and imaginative so I have been trying to come up with these sort of techniques.
I once read on a post here (wish I remembered who it was - I would give her credit) that when this woman found herself obsessing about what her husband or boyfriend- not sure which it was- was doing - that it was an indication to her that she needed to step AWAY from "the fire" as she termed it.
I've been thinking about this technique. Seems when I find myself in a tunnel of obsessive thoughts focusing on him, what will happen in the future, IF HE will love me or what HE is doing and I stop myself acknowledge it and consider using this as a signal to step me- it somehow makes me feel all the MORE panic and uncontrollableness.
Trying to find ways to comabt this.
Also trying to accept where I am at right now and not feel so discouraged about my ability to cultivate this inner peace or to arrive a stop where I no longer need another's love or acceptance to make me feel a deep sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
The frustrating place is knowing where you need to go but not being entirely sure HOW to get there. I think I need a roadmap
If only such a map were available - or an instruction booklet on detachment.
I feel myself swinging back and forth between the panic and devestation and fear of things not working out (aka him rejecting me) -- I have internalized all of what has happened as a result of addiciton and viewed it through a skewed telescope that filters only indications of rejection and abandonment and very much plays into the "I have no control over my life- I am inherently worthless and undeserving at my core" position I've remained stuck in the past few months.
Once the drama faded and he entered rebab, I felt like the lone actor on a stage with the spotlight directly upon her, directly shining into her eyes and preventing her from seeing around her. I was left to face myself and could observe all the things that were wrong, but didn't feel strong enough or had the adequate tools to move out of a place of change.
It's strange that some people develop this reverse "entitlement" believing that they need someone to give them permission to take charge of their life or even simple to change. I can imagine the embracing of change and charging forward to be a leap of faith- one that feels so terrifying at the moment.
I have resolved myself to the fact that I do want to be the woman I once was... a mild feminist who had clear boundaries what was and was not acceptable. There was a time when I knew who I was and I was unapologetic about it. I accepted that I was sensitive, emotional, insecure at times, philosophical, and that not everyone would match up with that. For years I felt I had met and dated people who did not have the capacity to feel on the level that I did or to express it and left me feeling inept merely because they could not relate to me. I vowed then to never eliminate parts of myself for another. I realize there is a part of me that was damaged -even before abf was in the picture. I have never fully healed myself. I think I have come close, but as with any addiction- you must be vigilant about feeding your self-esteem and for me I may ALWAYS revert to the "i am worthless" given enough exposure to such things like insanity of addiction. I don't think I realized the emotional damage it was doing to me- until the dust settled and I was able to reflect on how broken and sick I had become.
I imagine it will be a struggle to focus on myself. If there are any of you who have felt the resistance- I would appreciate knowing what worked for you?
I'm pretty visual and imaginative so I have been trying to come up with these sort of techniques.
I once read on a post here (wish I remembered who it was - I would give her credit) that when this woman found herself obsessing about what her husband or boyfriend- not sure which it was- was doing - that it was an indication to her that she needed to step AWAY from "the fire" as she termed it.
I've been thinking about this technique. Seems when I find myself in a tunnel of obsessive thoughts focusing on him, what will happen in the future, IF HE will love me or what HE is doing and I stop myself acknowledge it and consider using this as a signal to step me- it somehow makes me feel all the MORE panic and uncontrollableness.
Trying to find ways to comabt this.
Also trying to accept where I am at right now and not feel so discouraged about my ability to cultivate this inner peace or to arrive a stop where I no longer need another's love or acceptance to make me feel a deep sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
For now live your life, continue on time will reveal all the questions you ask yourself. Truth is many of us are not menatlly or emotionally strong enough to start a new intimate relationship for a while, so focus on everything else enjoy the scenary rather then the road trips end, and life will take you where its purposed. At that time you may find your individual trips took you too far apart, or they circled back around, but at that time, it wont matter anymore
(Does that make sense?)
(Does that make sense?)
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
I understand having obsessive thoughts...
I guess what helped me was thinking about all the crappy things I went through with the exabf and how rotten I felt when he did this and that. I trained my mind to associate him with the bad things. Also, I am in school and that takes a lot of concentration, took my mind off of him. Time is the best thing, and no contact with the addict!
I guess what helped me was thinking about all the crappy things I went through with the exabf and how rotten I felt when he did this and that. I trained my mind to associate him with the bad things. Also, I am in school and that takes a lot of concentration, took my mind off of him. Time is the best thing, and no contact with the addict!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
Heather,
Just my opinion of course, but I think you're using a road map right now. It always seems to help me to think of our HP giving us all a map, with many turns and twists, with the destination being the transition from this life to another and becoming the best human being possible that each of us can be, and that ultimately on the way to that destination, we have the "Choice and Power" to make decisions which is just deciding to make a left or a right or u-turn, and everytime we do, there are certain predefined outcomes, but that there is always another turn that can be made at anytime that brings us to a different set of circumstances and outcomes, yet different turns there as well that we always have the power and freedom to choose for ourselves. There are a lot of wonderful, wise,caring people here that are traveling the same path right now. Seems like it was the right turn coming this way. The other turns you're looking for are just ahead.
Just my opinion of course, but I think you're using a road map right now. It always seems to help me to think of our HP giving us all a map, with many turns and twists, with the destination being the transition from this life to another and becoming the best human being possible that each of us can be, and that ultimately on the way to that destination, we have the "Choice and Power" to make decisions which is just deciding to make a left or a right or u-turn, and everytime we do, there are certain predefined outcomes, but that there is always another turn that can be made at anytime that brings us to a different set of circumstances and outcomes, yet different turns there as well that we always have the power and freedom to choose for ourselves. There are a lot of wonderful, wise,caring people here that are traveling the same path right now. Seems like it was the right turn coming this way. The other turns you're looking for are just ahead.
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