I don't know how to confront this

Old 05-22-2003, 06:55 AM
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I don't know how to confront this

I have been doing well I think....Im continuing on my "nice streak"and things have been going very well. Although.......

ok so I know that I should not have done this, I know I should not have..but I did....A few weeks ago, when I was still in my fog, my husbend said ya know I tried to call "Fred" today (he was at lunch) and his phone was disconnected, I immediately assumed he was lying.....so I made a mental note of it and went on. That night I glanced at his phone and noticed that he errased all his recent calls, etc. which is what he usually does when he calls "Chicky".

Well today I accessed our cell phone bill online and on his phone, low and behold......He called her 2 days in a row (about 2 weeks ago when he started his new job), and guess what.....not one call to "Fred" , just only her. They were messages, and she has not called him since.....

So ok.. I have finally become completely fed up with this bullshi* and all these lies. I will not be lied to, and have repeatedly told him that "I am not stupid and I hate when people treat me like I am". So now how do I confront this situation or do I?????

I wnat him to know that he does not have to go SNEEKING AROUND to call his little chicky, and if he is not man enough to do it front of me, then he can make his way to maryland to save on the phone bills.

I am really PISSED off right now.... I have realized that I don't trust him and this little relationship he has with her....whatever that may be (but you know it's only Talking). If it is so innocent, what erase your phone, why lie to me about calling Fred, what even mention calling Fred???

What an As*hole, god I m so pissed off right now. and to think he has been being so nice to me, and so considerate and "what do you want to do this weekend?....Screw that!!!! I just want to get even, and this is not right......It just makes me want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me........

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-22-2003, 07:32 AM
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Dont' you just want to ring his neck!!!:asmd: :asmd: :asmd:
It just makes you sooo mad when they lie to you doesn't it! You don't know if you want to crawl up on the floor because you are so hurt or throw a chair through to window because you are so mad!!!
Okay. Calm down Alice!

Sunshyne, I don't think he lies because he thinks you believe it, I think he lies because it makes it easier for him. It makes him be able to lie to himself that you don't know what he is doing so he can go right on doing it some more.

Who knows why he is doing this but it doesn't have anything to do with you not being good enough....if that is going through your head (I know it did with me) if not...scratch that.

I know you are going to hate this but do whatever it takes to get the anger out...beat the hell out of the pillow, work out, write pages of bi***ing, ...whatever to make you feel better and then focus on yourself.

Take it day by day....try to get through the moment and let each day come as it comes.
The best advice I ever took was to start working on me and you just being here says you have begun too. Keep coming back.

I know you love him, he is your husband. If you guys can get some help and he is willing I would go that route...you will know when you have exhausted all the possibilities and if it is time to let go. Don't let this change who you want to be, fight for your self preservation. I don't really know what else to say, I know you are going through alot of pain and anger. I wish you peace and I hope I helped.

Keep coming back, you have a sisterhood/brotherhood here!!



Alice
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Old 05-22-2003, 10:55 AM
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Unhappy right there with you and unsure

My charming alcoholic husband seems to have a problem with "talking" to other women on the computer. It has been an ongoing problem and it just tears me up inside. And I'm with you, do they think we are just stupid? I hate the lies! He lies so well now I think he believes them himself. Just more denial!!

I'm not even sure he loves me at this point or if that is just a lie too. We are celebrating our anniversary on Saturday and I want to write him a letter telling him how I feel. I don't want to write about the negative because we both know the obvious (plus, I would be writting for too long.) I want to tell him how very much I love him even through the pain, tears, anger, and even hatred. He has been talking about having a baby lately and I don't know if thats what he really wants or he says it because he knows its what I want. I'm tired of being manipulated! I love him so very much but I am at the point of being scared to tell him because I'm afraid it will hurt too much. Scared to be rejected again and scared he just won't care. I KNOW I deserve better than what he has been giving me, and I certainly deserve a husband who can be 100% faithful. I think he can be that man, but I just don't want to live with false hope.

Somehow through all this pain, and anger (let me tell you sunshine...I know that anger!) we still love these men. Sometimes it's hard not to feel stupid for loving them, especially when most people just ask why you don't get out. I have hope! I have so much hope right now for myself and hope for him also. You know that little saying about "GOD never gives us more than we can handle?" Well, just think how strong GOD must know we are. Because I know somedays it seems like more than we can handle but we do, and we go on. The trick now is to let go of the anger and focus that energy on YOU. It's so easy to speak those words and so hard to act on them. But, we DESERVE honesty, respect and love.

Sunshine28, I doubt I have helped but please remember you are not alone. That is the biggest help to me right now. I know exactally what you are feeling. It's ok to be angry, but let it out and get on with you. I know I am trying! And hell, the fact you can call her chicky is a lot better than me. I couldn't post the names of the "women" my husband "chats" with!


Take care of you!!!
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Old 05-22-2003, 01:43 PM
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Oh sunshine....

Your words brough tears to my eyes.... I know exactly what you mean, our anniversary is on the 2nd and I don't even want to think about it.....Im actaully considering telling him to tell me the truth and if you want "chicky" then please go....there ya go...HAPPY $%#&*& ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!! (AAHHHH that felt good)

I am feeling so sorry for myself and so angry, im tried of the lies and the manipulation and the im just telling you what you want to hear.....Well look as$hole, why don;t you just try telling me the truth. Im tried of jumping when he needs something.....I just want to be appreciated and loved, is that too much to ask???

I m actually beginning to think if he stays with me because it is so easy for him to drink (he hasn't in about a month), but......and that he won't go to her because she is doing very well in her recovery, either way im fed up (ok yeah I say this now, but saying it to him is a lot harder)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are right we deserve 100% of what we give and we atleast deserve faithfulness.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Venting is so nice

decisions decisions
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Old 05-23-2003, 05:17 AM
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After I got most of my anger out of my system yesterday....(blasted the radio and cried while I was driving to p/u my husbend from work)

I thought to myslef, Steph you need to stop being such a push over so I was quiet when I went to get him and he picked up on it right away, and I basically said, I need you to do something for me, I need you to be honest with me from now on and stop doing things behind my back and lying to me. I told him that I do the same sometimes (which I do), and I need for him to stop stereotyping me, thinking im going to react the same way to every situation all the time. and also said that If I can't trust him then what am I here for. of course I got the...."Where is this comming from?"

I also told him that I sometimes feel that he is with me for pure comfort, and we make each other miserable sometimes, and he said that if he didn;t want to be someplace he wouldn't be. (and that I believe) so after beating around the bush I said have you called her, and he said yes, and ya know what.....That anxiety that I usually feel was no where to be found.

Well I said that I would like for him to not "sneek around" and if he was to call her, if he did it when I was actully home or around somewhere, not to accept me to "react".

And we actaully had a nice conversation, I actaully felt like he WAS LISTENING, there was no defensiveness, only pure concern in his voice.

and the biggest accomplishment for me yesterday was......
drumroll please........

After a discussion of a falling out I had with my dad the day before, that "I was not going to tolerate anyone treating me like I was worthless, and I m not taking anyones crap anymore, not even yours. And if he ever was to feel like I was making him unhappy or needed to leave to please do so.
Being able to let go of this, and to know that I had the courage to say what I did, made me extremely happy and that heavy load was lifted off of my shoulders...

I still cannot believe that I said that!!!! It's amazing what a little confidence can do...
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Old 05-23-2003, 08:59 AM
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BRAVO, Sunshine!!!!
I think coming here to vent put things into perspective and you can sort things out in your mind. You know, get out the anger and frustration to where you see things from a different point of view. Then when it comes down to the nitty gritty you can handle it much better. Thats why I love this place!

I'm celebrating with you!



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Old 05-23-2003, 07:24 PM
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!!!!Way to go Sunshine!!!!

Isn't that confidence empowering? I am so glad you did that for YOU!

I do think its hard them to know how to accept us as we begin to change too. I know mine expects me to blow up. He has every right to feel that way, but they have to give us a chance. And, hell its amazing what working on ourselves and some HONESTY from them will do. I want to trust him, and all I need is some honesty and time to heal.

OK, I am way too wiped out tonight to be intelligent. For myself today I went to my son's school for Fun Day. Eight hours with 300 grade schoolers. I am starting to think I am a masochist! I feel like I have been run over by several trucks. He had a great time, and now I'm just too tired to even "think." Probably not such a bad thing since our anniversary is tomorrow.


Keep the inner strength! Remember...you deserve the best!!!
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