setting boundaries on a recovering addict
Be Blessed
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 4
setting boundaries on a recovering addict
My husband is currently in treatment for the fifth time within the past 3 years. i moved out the house a year ago to save myself from going crazy. he want to move in with me when he get out because my home is a safer place for him to not get caught up in temptation. if he go back to his home, he will be in the center of alot of drug activity. all of his getting high buddy will stop and visit with the crack in their hands. he knows he is not strong enough to resist that kind of temptation. he also keep reminding me that we are married and we are to support each other, and he really need me now. My concerned is that i would be inviting the same stress right back into my life, after i fought so hard to get rid of it. This is not first time he went into treatment. He have been in 15 treatment center within his 21 year drug addiction. he have been in 5 center since the 3 years we have been married. i have gone throught the emotional roller coster, he go in treatment and we go through our honeymoon stage. i am on a love high because everything is going good. then 2 months later he back to his old ways. i need to set some boundaries and i dont know how. I want my marriage to work and i am trying to explain to him that i need to take it slow. he feels like we are married not dating, why do we need to take it slow for, our focus should be bringing our family back together and move forward. he is feeling that i am slowly trying to get rid of him and that is not the case.
i also need to know some signs to look for to see when an addict is making positive chnges. what i see from my husband is he use these treatment center as a vacation home. he goes there to rest, but he not really getting anything out of it. he has so much book knowledge about addicts, the Bible and recovery. he can quote in bible verse with ease. however, it is not registering in his heart to make a real chnge. i have made great improvment within my life and my own recovery in the past year, i dont want to go backward.
i also need to know some signs to look for to see when an addict is making positive chnges. what i see from my husband is he use these treatment center as a vacation home. he goes there to rest, but he not really getting anything out of it. he has so much book knowledge about addicts, the Bible and recovery. he can quote in bible verse with ease. however, it is not registering in his heart to make a real chnge. i have made great improvment within my life and my own recovery in the past year, i dont want to go backward.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Uh, Iamfound, didn't I just read your story about how great you are doing now that he is out of your life? And arent' you in treatment and recovery for codependency? And doesn't that include setting firm boundaries that YOU are comfortable with?
I am sure your husband can find a place to stay where there are no drugs even if that is the shelter. If he can't make it on his own, then he can't make it period.
Give no quarter.
I am sure your husband can find a place to stay where there are no drugs even if that is the shelter. If he can't make it on his own, then he can't make it period.
Give no quarter.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
First, whatever boundaries you set, you must enforce. So, only set boundaries you feel you would definitely enforce. (If not, the addict will walk over all the boundaries because they know there's really no consequences to breaking them.)
Get the book 'Boundaries' by Townsend and Cloud. It is a biblical perspective on setting boundaries with people that are behaving irresponsibly.
Find meetings for you to attend for face to face support ...alanon, nar-anon
or Celebrate Recovery (www.celebraterecovery.com).
Get the book 'Boundaries' by Townsend and Cloud. It is a biblical perspective on setting boundaries with people that are behaving irresponsibly.
Find meetings for you to attend for face to face support ...alanon, nar-anon
or Celebrate Recovery (www.celebraterecovery.com).
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I think if you don't feel good about him moving back in then you ought not let him. If he can stay clean for a year, support himself and still treat you well then it might be time to let him back in if you want him back.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Isn't it strange how WE seem to be the only alternative to using? My son did this and it took a long time for me to realize that "I" wasn't about to be his only alternative. I just got tired of being the warden and keeping an eye on him. If staying with me was the answer, he would have come clean and stayed clean his first time through a rehab (and he went through many, many, did I say many? rehabs).
If your husband (or any recovering addict) wants to be in a safe place, they can find one that doesn't include us. There are sober houses that will take them, or even finding a room or an apartment of their own is a good choice. They can choose to be with old using friends and environments to choose not to, and we don't have to make the decision for them or be "the alternative".
Please know that I'm not trying to tell you what your decision should be, but please base it on what feels right for you, what feels safe and what feels healthy.
And you asked about healthy signs? Well, from my experience my son was healthiest in his recovery when life stopped being all about "him" and what he wanted. He went to meetings, got a sponsor and worked and lived his program. Those were the best signs I ever saw.
I'm sorry you are going through this again, and I am glad you found us and hope you'll walk with us for a while. Our load gets lighter when we share it and that's what this program is all about.
Hugs
If your husband (or any recovering addict) wants to be in a safe place, they can find one that doesn't include us. There are sober houses that will take them, or even finding a room or an apartment of their own is a good choice. They can choose to be with old using friends and environments to choose not to, and we don't have to make the decision for them or be "the alternative".
Please know that I'm not trying to tell you what your decision should be, but please base it on what feels right for you, what feels safe and what feels healthy.
And you asked about healthy signs? Well, from my experience my son was healthiest in his recovery when life stopped being all about "him" and what he wanted. He went to meetings, got a sponsor and worked and lived his program. Those were the best signs I ever saw.
I'm sorry you are going through this again, and I am glad you found us and hope you'll walk with us for a while. Our load gets lighter when we share it and that's what this program is all about.
Hugs
Be Blessed
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by tropikgal2 
Uh, Iamfound, didn't I just read your story about how great you are doing now that he is out of your life? And arent' you in treatment and recovery for codependency? And doesn't that include setting firm boundaries that YOU are comfortable with?.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi iamfound, glad to meet you and welcome, i don't think i've met you yet. the addict in my life is my hubby of 21 yrs off and on, more off than on, i too am a recovering addict with a few yrs clean.
i agree with ann, my ah have been in and out of rehab and jail so many times, i've lost count. we've gone through that honey moon stage more times than i want to think about or can count. it doesn't get better unless the addict is totally convinced and totally commited to some kind of recovery, in my opinion.
relapse is apart of recovery and it can happen at any time, though i don't believe that it has to.its up to the addict.
i got clean while living in the heart of a drug infested neighborhood and the temptation was very great, but my life had become so unmanageable until i had no choice but to fight for my sobriety, i knew that drugs was not an option and i didn't have the luxury of depending on a family member to help me stay safe, by the grace of god, i know i had to save myself.
i think that as noble as it sounds, your ah's sobriety does not depend on whether or not you allow him to stay with you or not, it depends on the decisions that he makes. like ann said, there are halfway houses, and there are other options. i think maybe you could continue to focus on you and do what you think is best for you to do. maybe you could ask yourself, if you are willing to start over in getting back to where you are now. you don't have to make any decisions until you are ready. jmho
i've allowed my ah back so many times and here 20 yrs later, he's still active and i imagine that as soon as he gets sick and tired of himself, he'll probably decided that he can do better if i allow him to move back home again. the choice is yous, and we'll support whatever decision you make, but from my experience, action speaks louder than words, and i'm still trying to learn that 21 yrs later.
you are doing so well, think about what it was like the last time and how soon was it before it was worse than before. i think maybe, time will tell you just how commited to his recovery he is and in the meantime maybe you could continue to set the example of how commited you are to yours. hope this make some kind of sense. all from my experience and this don't have to be what will be your experience.
btw, i'm glad to hear that he is in recovery and trying, who knows maybe this will be his time, there is always hope, but there is also time for you to be comfortable with whatever decision that you make. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
i agree with ann, my ah have been in and out of rehab and jail so many times, i've lost count. we've gone through that honey moon stage more times than i want to think about or can count. it doesn't get better unless the addict is totally convinced and totally commited to some kind of recovery, in my opinion.
relapse is apart of recovery and it can happen at any time, though i don't believe that it has to.its up to the addict.
i got clean while living in the heart of a drug infested neighborhood and the temptation was very great, but my life had become so unmanageable until i had no choice but to fight for my sobriety, i knew that drugs was not an option and i didn't have the luxury of depending on a family member to help me stay safe, by the grace of god, i know i had to save myself.
i think that as noble as it sounds, your ah's sobriety does not depend on whether or not you allow him to stay with you or not, it depends on the decisions that he makes. like ann said, there are halfway houses, and there are other options. i think maybe you could continue to focus on you and do what you think is best for you to do. maybe you could ask yourself, if you are willing to start over in getting back to where you are now. you don't have to make any decisions until you are ready. jmho
i've allowed my ah back so many times and here 20 yrs later, he's still active and i imagine that as soon as he gets sick and tired of himself, he'll probably decided that he can do better if i allow him to move back home again. the choice is yous, and we'll support whatever decision you make, but from my experience, action speaks louder than words, and i'm still trying to learn that 21 yrs later.
you are doing so well, think about what it was like the last time and how soon was it before it was worse than before. i think maybe, time will tell you just how commited to his recovery he is and in the meantime maybe you could continue to set the example of how commited you are to yours. hope this make some kind of sense. all from my experience and this don't have to be what will be your experience.
btw, i'm glad to hear that he is in recovery and trying, who knows maybe this will be his time, there is always hope, but there is also time for you to be comfortable with whatever decision that you make. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR Iamfound. This is a great site.
As to your AH. I am very familiar with Milwaukee, and Waukesha Cities and counties, and can tell you that there are many sober and clean 'living facilities' (homes). Your AH needs to ask the rehab he is in about that. Many rehabs also have 'sober houses' that they are affiliated with.
There is no reason for him to move in with you.
here's some lists you can pass on to him to start calling:
http://www.usdrugrehabcenters.com/re...html#Milwaukee
here's about Oxford Houses:
http://www.oxfordhouse.org/
and here are the ones in Wisconsin
http://www.oxfordhouse.org/wisconsin.html
Certainly printing out the above pages, as he may not have access at this time to the internet is not enabling.
Print out the pages, say "I am sorry but you cannot live with me at this time." Hand him the pages and it is up to him.
That my dear is pure MANIPUALTION. He already knows there are ways and places where he can be in a 'sober environment' and work his recovery.
Again MANIPULATION. He needs a SPONSOR, MEETINGS, and CLEAN AND SOBER FELLOWSHIP from those who have been where he is. They will give him 'tough love' and a 'path to follow.' If he can 'wiggle' his way back in with you, he won't have to do all the things required for him to recover.
Please take care of YOU and let him worry about him.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
As to your AH. I am very familiar with Milwaukee, and Waukesha Cities and counties, and can tell you that there are many sober and clean 'living facilities' (homes). Your AH needs to ask the rehab he is in about that. Many rehabs also have 'sober houses' that they are affiliated with.
There is no reason for him to move in with you.
here's some lists you can pass on to him to start calling:
http://www.usdrugrehabcenters.com/re...html#Milwaukee
here's about Oxford Houses:
http://www.oxfordhouse.org/
and here are the ones in Wisconsin
http://www.oxfordhouse.org/wisconsin.html
Certainly printing out the above pages, as he may not have access at this time to the internet is not enabling.
Print out the pages, say "I am sorry but you cannot live with me at this time." Hand him the pages and it is up to him.
he want to move in with me when he get out because my home is a safer place for him to not get caught up in temptation. if he go back to his home, he will be in the center of alot of drug activity. all of his getting high buddy will stop and visit with the crack in their hands. he knows he is not strong enough to resist that kind of temptation.
he also keep reminding me that we are married and we are to support each other, and he really need me now.
Please take care of YOU and let him worry about him.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
his recovery is his, if you do not want him there then do not do it.there are halfway house & ect. he can go to.an addict needs to learn how to be responisable for them selves. you have come to the right place for recovery for you.welcome to S.R. & keep coming back.prayers for you & your husband both.
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