31 and just starting to live for me
Be Blessed
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 4
31 and just starting to live for me
I must say first, i am so happy that i found this site. i have felt so lost and confused for the last 3 years and i refused to believe that i was the only one going through this.
My name is Iamfound and i am a codependent. it took me a long time to admit this but once i did a whole light just shined on me. I am the baby of 5 girls, our mother died when i was 3 and we all went to go live with our father and his new family. in that home we were subjected to physical abuse and sexually abuse. my three oldest sisters eventually ran away and left for all the abuse to fall on myself and my sister that was 5 years older me. My stepbrother use to molest my sister, and that was when my codependecy started to develop. i develop this i am stronger then everyone and i can handle anything and i must protect everyone attitude. which i did, i remember at five years old staying up all night guarding our bedroom door just in case one of them tried to come and mess with my sister. years went on, my sister ran away and left me (how dare she after all i have done to help her.) my daddy eventually left that wife and got another one who was very young and had children that were younger then me. his new wife was a crack addict. so at ten years old i was raising 3 kids taking care of a 5 bedroom house and worked hard at trying to keep my daddy happy. my daddy never gave my stepmother any money so, in order for her to support her habit she sold her body and sometime she sold me. by the time i was 12 i ran away and went to go live with my oldest sister in ca. i was grateful she took me in and i wanted to make the load easy on her as possible. so i started stealing food and clothes for the house so she didnt have to spend much. eventually she couldnt deal with me and ship me off to another sister (how dare she after all i was trying to do to help her) my other sister was in the army and had very firm rule. it kept me in line until i fell in love with an older man. i was 15 and he was 20. we kept our relationship a secret because of the age difference i eventually got pregnant and he ran away. i didnt tell anyone who was the father. because i didnt want him to get in trouble. my life cont. like this. by the time i was 25 i was pregnant with my 3rd child, by the 3rd father, and i was tired. i was tired of getting hurt. i was tired of people leaving me after i have given them my whole life, why were they so ungrateful. i was tired of going in one abusive relationship after another. i was just tired. i close myself into a shell and refuse to let anyone in. i rediscovered the Lord and i found peace. life was looking pretty good, i went back to school got my GED and was enrolled in college. i had a good job that i enjoyed and then i met a man. a very charming, sweet caring man. he loved the Lord, loved my kids and loved me. he was everything i could have dreamed of having in a man. he treated me like a queen and i thought i could finally rest. 2 years later we got married and the day after our honeymoon my husband disappear for 3 days on a crack binge. i went into a deep depression. he never told me that he had a drug addiction because he thought it was all in his past. he was clean for 4 years and he just knew it wouldnt be a problem anymore. i wanted to lock myself away and just die but i couldnt i had 3 kids and a husband to take care of. i had a job to go to everyday, classes to go to and homework to do. this was no time for me to get depress. my husband couldnt get back on track on his own so he eventually went into treatment. he stayed for 3 weeks, got out and start using again in 3 months. i hardly rest because i was too busy being on guard duty. when my husband was at home i stayed awake making sure he didnt still my purse or my car. when he was in the street i couldnt sleep beause i was worried something may have happen to him. sometime i got in my car and cruise the street at 3 o'clock in the morning. one time i found him in a crack house, i went in there in a rage trying to drag him out of there, but he refuse to go, the dealer was threating to hurt me because i was causing too much trouble. that was when my husband left. he didnt come home with me he just wanted to calm me down. i would never forget the man i saw that night. he was weak, dirty and smell like a combination of burnt rubber and mold. he told me he was not going to leave until he finish what he bought, he begged me to go home and not to worry about trying to protect him, because when he is like this there isnt anything that would make him stop except for death. he continue to use, he continue to go into treatment and then he fall back off, and i continue to die inside. i eventually moved out the house mainly to save myself. i did such a good job protecting everyone i realize everyone was smiling except for me. it has been a year since i moved out, i am still in school, i will be graduating with a BA in Human Service in 2008 and i start seeing a psych. the hardest question she asked me was "what make ****** happy" I couldnt answer it. I didnt have the slightest idea what would make me happy, which lead to the question who am i and i couldnt answer that either. i spent my whole life trying to make everyone else happy, trying to please everyone else and being everything to everybody, i discovered me. what was even funnier was the realization that i actually expected them to do the same for me in return. i made them to be responsible for my happiness. I couldnt accept that i was codependent because i am the strong one, i am the together one. i help people, people dont help me. i am so proud to have broken from that thinking pattern. i am so proud that Iamfound, and i am so proud that at 31 i can start living for me. I still dont know who i am or what make me happy, but is going to be fun finding out.
My name is Iamfound and i am a codependent. it took me a long time to admit this but once i did a whole light just shined on me. I am the baby of 5 girls, our mother died when i was 3 and we all went to go live with our father and his new family. in that home we were subjected to physical abuse and sexually abuse. my three oldest sisters eventually ran away and left for all the abuse to fall on myself and my sister that was 5 years older me. My stepbrother use to molest my sister, and that was when my codependecy started to develop. i develop this i am stronger then everyone and i can handle anything and i must protect everyone attitude. which i did, i remember at five years old staying up all night guarding our bedroom door just in case one of them tried to come and mess with my sister. years went on, my sister ran away and left me (how dare she after all i have done to help her.) my daddy eventually left that wife and got another one who was very young and had children that were younger then me. his new wife was a crack addict. so at ten years old i was raising 3 kids taking care of a 5 bedroom house and worked hard at trying to keep my daddy happy. my daddy never gave my stepmother any money so, in order for her to support her habit she sold her body and sometime she sold me. by the time i was 12 i ran away and went to go live with my oldest sister in ca. i was grateful she took me in and i wanted to make the load easy on her as possible. so i started stealing food and clothes for the house so she didnt have to spend much. eventually she couldnt deal with me and ship me off to another sister (how dare she after all i was trying to do to help her) my other sister was in the army and had very firm rule. it kept me in line until i fell in love with an older man. i was 15 and he was 20. we kept our relationship a secret because of the age difference i eventually got pregnant and he ran away. i didnt tell anyone who was the father. because i didnt want him to get in trouble. my life cont. like this. by the time i was 25 i was pregnant with my 3rd child, by the 3rd father, and i was tired. i was tired of getting hurt. i was tired of people leaving me after i have given them my whole life, why were they so ungrateful. i was tired of going in one abusive relationship after another. i was just tired. i close myself into a shell and refuse to let anyone in. i rediscovered the Lord and i found peace. life was looking pretty good, i went back to school got my GED and was enrolled in college. i had a good job that i enjoyed and then i met a man. a very charming, sweet caring man. he loved the Lord, loved my kids and loved me. he was everything i could have dreamed of having in a man. he treated me like a queen and i thought i could finally rest. 2 years later we got married and the day after our honeymoon my husband disappear for 3 days on a crack binge. i went into a deep depression. he never told me that he had a drug addiction because he thought it was all in his past. he was clean for 4 years and he just knew it wouldnt be a problem anymore. i wanted to lock myself away and just die but i couldnt i had 3 kids and a husband to take care of. i had a job to go to everyday, classes to go to and homework to do. this was no time for me to get depress. my husband couldnt get back on track on his own so he eventually went into treatment. he stayed for 3 weeks, got out and start using again in 3 months. i hardly rest because i was too busy being on guard duty. when my husband was at home i stayed awake making sure he didnt still my purse or my car. when he was in the street i couldnt sleep beause i was worried something may have happen to him. sometime i got in my car and cruise the street at 3 o'clock in the morning. one time i found him in a crack house, i went in there in a rage trying to drag him out of there, but he refuse to go, the dealer was threating to hurt me because i was causing too much trouble. that was when my husband left. he didnt come home with me he just wanted to calm me down. i would never forget the man i saw that night. he was weak, dirty and smell like a combination of burnt rubber and mold. he told me he was not going to leave until he finish what he bought, he begged me to go home and not to worry about trying to protect him, because when he is like this there isnt anything that would make him stop except for death. he continue to use, he continue to go into treatment and then he fall back off, and i continue to die inside. i eventually moved out the house mainly to save myself. i did such a good job protecting everyone i realize everyone was smiling except for me. it has been a year since i moved out, i am still in school, i will be graduating with a BA in Human Service in 2008 and i start seeing a psych. the hardest question she asked me was "what make ****** happy" I couldnt answer it. I didnt have the slightest idea what would make me happy, which lead to the question who am i and i couldnt answer that either. i spent my whole life trying to make everyone else happy, trying to please everyone else and being everything to everybody, i discovered me. what was even funnier was the realization that i actually expected them to do the same for me in return. i made them to be responsible for my happiness. I couldnt accept that i was codependent because i am the strong one, i am the together one. i help people, people dont help me. i am so proud to have broken from that thinking pattern. i am so proud that Iamfound, and i am so proud that at 31 i can start living for me. I still dont know who i am or what make me happy, but is going to be fun finding out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
((((Iamfound)))) That is a great and courageous story. You have overcome a lot of obstacles!!! Congratulations on attaining your education and making the choice to remove the addict from your life and take care of yourself!!!
I love success stories!
I love success stories!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR Iamfound. You have overcome so much. Keep reading and posting. You will learn alot about addiction by reading the sticky posts at the top of the board. Be sure to read "What Addicts Do". There's so much support here. You're learning to focus on you. Continue doing that and you'll find yourself and what makes you happy again.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
So glad you found us. You'll find many good caring people here.
You have had a rough life darlin. But, now, you're taking steps to get control of yourself and your feelings.
Addiction is a life drainer. It pulls the plug on eveyone around it.
Keep coming back and posting. It makes you feel so much better to get it out.
You have had a rough life darlin. But, now, you're taking steps to get control of yourself and your feelings.
Addiction is a life drainer. It pulls the plug on eveyone around it.
Keep coming back and posting. It makes you feel so much better to get it out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you have had a lot of things to over ome in your short life.today is a new beginning & it sounds as if you are going to get it together for yourself. this is the place to be to learn to take care of you.i am glad you are here.keep reading & posting.there is a wonderful world out there.hugs & prayers,hope
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Welcome..I can relate to your story, a lot of it is mine. I took care of my sisters and brother also at a very young age and worked ,as did all of us before we were teenagers. I always thought I was strong and emotionally a rock. I wasn't...I was a mess. I didn't become strong until I fell to my knees. I talk to god all day[makes the night time prayer short and sweet]..Glad you are here...Marian
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Iamfound))
Welcome to SR. I feel a kindrid to you. I know your story. I've lived your story. I too reached a point of not knowing what made me happy, who I was. I'm still trying to figure that out one day at a time.
We hit a self preservation mode very early in life. All our energy was dumped into surviving and protecting. We actualy missed having a childhood. I always say I was thirty before I was 8.
You sound great. You sound like you are taking all the steps to live your life finelly.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Welcome to SR. I feel a kindrid to you. I know your story. I've lived your story. I too reached a point of not knowing what made me happy, who I was. I'm still trying to figure that out one day at a time.
We hit a self preservation mode very early in life. All our energy was dumped into surviving and protecting. We actualy missed having a childhood. I always say I was thirty before I was 8.
You sound great. You sound like you are taking all the steps to live your life finelly.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Iamfound, Thank you for sharing your story. I am going through a lot of family issues that have affected my daughter. She has been a drug user for 6 yrs. She says there was sexual abuse also that I just found out about last night. My heart is broken beyond belief, but I am understanding why she has done some of the things she has done.
There is slways support here.......welcome...........Lo
There is slways support here.......welcome...........Lo
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