doneforsure

I want to thank everyone for giving me those words of reason yesterday....I really needed them. I'm still falling down when it comes to "biting" sometimes. It's the threats that do it and then I go to a place where I really don't want to be, don't like what I feel, like retaliation, which never ever ever produces the outcome I want. Fortunately, through all of your help yesterday, and a walk, I kept a cooler head. I decided to try and put a different spin on this situation and instead of engaging and using words that will only antagonize, I thought, what is the outcome I want here? I want her to leave me the hell alone already. So, cell phone situation is settled because apparently Verizon requires a 1000 deposit from her because of her credit rating so the phone is turned off, so are my belongings, told her there's nothing there I can't live without so...Also decided that the only way to calm this situation is to eat a little, so I tried to appeal to her sense of "control" by apologizing to her, blah blah blah,(after all, the threats are all about having something to hold over my head and what she really wants is for me to be so so sad), let's just call a truce, let it go, sorry it couldn't work, hope everything works out for you, please(about 5 times because that always gives her a sense of sticking it to me) let's try to remember that at one time there was something special, and let's just try to remember that, and not make things worse for ourselves, which is really only making things worse for our kids(The threats were beginning to escalate)

This is manipulation on my part isn't it? Maybe it is, but standing firm with her only leads to more contact, threats, drama and the whole idea for me is to stop it altogether. Yesterday she was trying to pull at the emotional strings that always used to work with me when she used her daughter.

Why is it though that I just know there is more coming? I can see the tall waves that are about to hit the shoreline and I'm trying to get on dry land quickly.

I know.....have her emails set up to be automatically deleted before I get them, change my work number, already changed the cell phone number but somehow she got it through the courthouse last week, don't take her calls. Which I haven't, and there were calls today.

I guess I'm a little anxious because I just know more drama is coming my way, and anxious about being able to duck from it entirely and let it go right on by.

marle

I say hang in there, because she wants her enabler back. When you continue to stand firm with her, she will eventually get someone else to give her what she wants. May take a while, but I think she will find a new enabler and when she does, keep your mouth closed. I know it will be so tempting to warn the next person, but they need to find out for themselves. Marle

MsPINKAcres

Keep taking good care of YOU - You deserve it.

Rita

atalose

I think it's smart on your part to realize there may be more to come. Just being aware of that fact and having some kind of plan in your head makes it that much easier. Stick to the no contact at all and you'll be just fine. Don't answer her calls, delete any e-mails prior to reading them and delete any text messages. If she sends you something in the mail, mark it return to sender and drop it back in a mailbox.

I learned the hard way about stalking and how to stop it fast. Any type of response from you will only continue her attempts at contact. Like a child demanding attention, good or bad any attention will do.

I also learned the hard way that by not doing something (filing a TRO/FRO) when the contact attempts were at there height 40 phone calls in one day that gave him a green light to continue. By the time I did go to file for a TRO it was almost a month I was putting up with his escalating behavior and the judge was hesitant to grant me it because I
tolerated it too long. The judge called me on the carpet about that and said I had waited about 3 ½ week too long. I was granted the TRO which did turn into an FRO and of course he had to challenge me on it by calling me a few weeks after court. I went right away to the Police Dept they went right to his house with my caller ID in hand and informed him that if he made one more call he was going to jail.

I think they test us to see how far we will allow them to go.

GiveLove

Done,

I found that after I surgically detached myself from my addict, ANYTHING I said to him -- encouraging, discouraging, apologizing, angering, ANYTHING -- was a green light for him to keep talking to me. His worst nightmare was that I would stop this conversation. I was enabling him by continuing it, and I continued it because I wasn't yet ready to let go.

He didn't move on with his life until I did two things:
1) threatened to have him arrested for breaking the TRO, and
2) immediately thereafter went NO contact, nothing, never, period.

After about a year (!!) I learned that he finally started dating again, stopped showing up where he thought I'd be, etc. Still an addict, but at least he's let loose of me and is getting someone else to enable him now.

If you want her to get on with her life and leave you alone, the best thing you can do is stop talking. You are making wonderful strides in this direction (kudos on the phone thing!!) Knowing that she's trigger happy on restraining orders, this is good for you as well. In my personal experience with a similar personality, you're not doing her any favors, NOR are you protecting you & your family from future drama, by continuing to talk to her in any way.

I hope too for legal purposes that you're logging all of the calls etc. for court purposes. You may well need them.

You're a good man -- let her get on with her life and deal with any drama if/when it comes.

Sorry you're continuing to have to deal with this,
Hugs,
GL

Noah812

Done - It is amazing what NO CONTACT will do for you. I told my xagf that she was not welcome at my home and if she came to my home I would call the police, after i got mad over months of hell. The police would have her leave and I would file a report and if it happened after that she would be arrested for tresspassing. A policman who I rode motorcycles with kept me in the loop on what cops could do to help and what I needed to do to allow them to help me. Anyway the fact that you are entertaining this person for ANY reason by listening to her is the reason you are still having problems. I tried the half a$$ no contact with xagf and it does nothing but cause more pain. Let her know you are no longer a puppet she can pull the strings of to make dance. Let her know you will do everything nessecary to rid yourself of her constant BS. Better yet leave her alone, never to talk to her again and let her figure it out. If by chance she does reach you, verbally rip her a new one and back up your words by doing everything you say you will. As far as your thoughts and others before me I think the diffrence is for guys is that the drug addict women we are involved with are major pain in the @$$, monster, b**ches and we generally are the nice guys. Well the rolls of the women here are generally the nice gals and the monsters are the men. My point is she can do very little to you includding assaulting you that you dont allow her to do. Leave her alone, if you must confront her do it and do it only one more time...if that dos'nt work then get mad. Call the cops...call her family...tell her job and or her friends who she is...she will realise you are not playing when you start really hitting her where it hurts, like she has done to you for all this time. I don't condone this type of action but for me it worked...that and no contact with the addict. I think my xagf knew I was so angry and hurt she would be ALOT better off to leave me alone than to not and that I would never spend another day on this planet with her. Get mad, get mean but mainly do what it takes to get your life back. The high road or the low road...You tried the high road already like I did for many months being the nice guy, it does not work. The low road threatens the addicts and thier addiction by exposing what and who they are...that is a lot of reason for a addict to leave someone alone. Again...i only had to fight fire with fire one time and the problem was solved...good luck to you from this alternative point of view...No contact is best but she does not want to give that to you yet. Hang in there

doneforsure

Thanks Noah, I needed that. You're right though, the high road never works and the more you try to do the right and decent thing, the more bs she gives. Know what the biggest problem is for me? I think it still hurts me more than someone else when I start heading down the low road. All this nonsense because instead of just shutting off the cell phone in the first place, I gave her the opportunity to take over the account, not for her, but for Kristen. It was a birthday gift from me and I was still getting the soft spot when it comes to shutting the thing off knowing Kristen will be hurt. I know that's not my fault, and not my problem or my responsibility, but I was her anchor and her security, the person she wanted to be held by for a few minutes at night so she could fall asleep, or just have me stroke her head. It really really sucks when you love someone like a daughter and you know that what you have to do is going to hurt her like hell. I know, her HP will be there for her. I miss her too and know that she is going through hell right now. I'm not her father or a savior, though I have realized that a huge reason why I stayed too long in this had a lot to do with her. It's a damn shame that there are so many fathers out there who walk away from their children the way they do. I could never do it and I don't know that I'd want to get that close to someone else's child again because I guess I just don't know how to love another child any less than I love my own son. Is this being codependent, or is it just not wanting to hurt a little girl? I don't know, doesn't really matter right this moment. That was the last thing I had to deal with in terms of her. Noah, I'm glad you're out here. I appreciate your experience and words of advice, and you;re right, it's the contact that does it. For two weeks while waiting for court, outside of last Monday, I was fine. It's done.

Thanks Noah

parentrecovers

hugs, k

Noah812

done - I am glad I am able to help you with this. As far as the child I know exactly what it is you speak about and I feel for you as I know how you feel. In todays world it seems almost impossible for a man to find someone who does not have children, in otherwords I have been there too. I have on a couple of occassions become very close to the children of the person I was with at the time. On both occassions, when the relationship with thier mother ended so did the one with the kids. Now it makes perfect sense that it would end the relationship with the child but it is still painful. I think it is kind of one of those things that you learn to deal with when dating women with children. I would think trying to keep a close but not too close realtionship with the kids in the future would help. Possibly wait until your married to form such a strong bond with the children. Rules ; The children are thiers and where the woman goes so do the children. You have no say over the children unless you adopt them otherwise keep that in mind when considering thier best interests...it does not matter what you think or want you do to help, your not dad. Some women, and I have experienced this, will use thier children as a weapon against you knowing the power of your feelings about the child and they can really kick you when its down. Also you develope a relationship with a mother and a child or two and when it is over (tHe relationship) the women move on and still have thier family and we guys are left alone with multiple broken realtions with mother and child. I decided not to date anymore women with children as it was too painful and complicated but that only lasted until I met Loves. Loves has two wonderful daughters and one is a science nut like me so we really hit it off. I will be guarded about forming too close of bonds with the kids for a while out of self preservation. I think you did great done...you did the best you could and tried to play a fair hand. The little girl knows who is to blame i am sure but either way...its not your place to do anything about it. Pray for the little girl and for your own good let her mother go. If things get bad others will have to be there for the girl, if you said anything negative about the mom as a parent, you know it would appear to be because your angry at her and not because you want what is best for her daughter. Just walk away and let this be a learning lesson for you. Oh BTW chances are your destined to repeat yourself by forming future bonds with anothers kids...kids are great they are everything that adults are not. They have yet to become roadkill in the median on the road of life..Take care.

hope213

you are right, we usually get that feeling when we know theuy are not doing the right things.it sounds as if you are "getting recovery" fast.we have to do what we have to do in order to keep our sanity.prayers for you both,