HKAngel24

Well friends- things w/abf came to a head the other day.
His options for a sober house or "Recovery house" were minimal here in Philadelphia. THe only option was in an extremely bad part of town.
His father agreed to fund him to return to a Florida facility he had visited when he was younger and had done well in.

I found this out from his mother prior to him telling me and boy was I livid. I felt so angry that he had came to me and consulted me twice about this decision but never mentioned Florida. Six months is a long time. But that is where he is going. I was angry from our last conversation as I felt he was not being sensitive to my feelings or what I was going through. I spoke with him on Saturday and I just could not be cold any longer- I realized my anger was hurting me more than it was helping me. I told him how I felt hurt and unloved and rejected. He had said he did not think I cared at all as I had not responded to any of his letters and was distant and short during any phone calls he made. I then asked him what he expected- I had given him so much of myself that sacraficing anymore felt unbearable.

I guess I was holding on very tightly and had not prepared myself for the possibility of such a large change. I do not even know what I thought would happen. Maybe I was living in a fantasy. Regardless, I just feel extremely sad right now. I have a tremendous amount of healing to do with my life. I want to learn to love myself and move forward and strengthen my identity and gain inner peace. Even without him, I have lived in self-loathing for too long.
I deeply fear rejection- as if it will ruin me- and this is something else I need to work through- believing I am okay, just as I am- that I alone am a whole, worthy and full human being and I do not need to be connected to anyone else in order to be complete.

I still feel myself being incredibly submerged in irrationality. I am trying to be gentle with myself because I feel so fragile and emotionally spent. I know that no one is going to come in and save me. I know I must repair and heal myself without him- that I must heal the codependency and learn to love my life.

Just feeling a tremendous amount of loss and sadness at the moment. I have been shifting all of my emotions around inside of me instead of facing them- because I have not been able to act out of my rational mind and have been behaving like the wounded, victimized child that I have been feeling.
I just feel so weak right now and know that I must move forward and onward.
To some degree I am jealous that he gets to go somewhere and start over while I am stuck here in the same patterns (at least for the moment.)
I know I need to realize what I want out of MY life, regardless of what he does.
I do not think I have ever really confronted head on that he cannot be my security blanket and self-esteem provider any longer. I was in denial for awhile- I had said I accepted it, but I hadn't. I had still held on and been unable to face the reality of addiction because it has been so painful.

I know I've been through this before and have held on entirely too long- I know that everyone has been frustrated with me clinging and not being able to accept reality. The acceptance of the death of the dreams and the "picture in my head" hurts. I feel like the sadness will not go away.
I must believe that it will get better and that I can create the life I want and attain an inner peace. I know there is hard work ahead. I am finally ready to learn to accept and come to peace with myself.
I no longer want to live in an inner prison.
Thank you all for your support.

Elana

We create our own peace or lack thereof.
While I am sure you had a fantasy idea of life "if he was" the man you thought he was, that fantasy has met its end.

Are you in love with "him" or are you in love with "who you wish he was?" Only you can answer that.

Things happen for a reason. His removing to Florida, no matter how much it makes YOU feel pain, is the best news you could ever have. It allows him to work on his recovery and it allows you to work on yours.

Good Luck Girl. You have quite a road ahead of you. If you want to be happy, you will walk it.

greeteachday

Heather, Your honesty and insight will always help you through dark times. I know you feel hurt and scared...I look from the outside and rejoice for both of you, seeing this as evidence of a power greater than you both creating a situation that will allow each of you a chance to truly recover and to find happiness because you will work on loving and accepting yourselves.

You are only stuck in the same patterns and a victim as long as you let yourself feel that way. I know it is all easier said than done, but I also know you are a survivor and a beautiful caring person inside and out. Once some of the sadness dissolves, i hope you will be able to see the glorious opportunity presented to you. Hugs.

Lovestoomuch

Heather...........this isn't about you. This is about your ABF going to treatment...you know....so maybe he can beat his addiction........get better......get healthy. Rather than wallowing in self pity and doubt try being happy for him or proud maybe.........just a thought. Not everything your ABF does will always be about you. Take this time and work on yourself. All said with love.

doneforsure

Heather,
I haven't met you but I've read many of your posts. From your posts, it's very easy to see that you are a very intelligent, caring young woman. You deserve so much more. This experience is very painful, but you will get through this,and one day look back upon this as a growing pain because you are growing right now. From everything that we are hurt from, there are always positive lessons to learn if we are willing to be open to them, and you obviously are seeing those. I recently split up with my exagfand I just wanted to say to you that I found staying busy, and just taking one day at a time, just making it through the day without too much time to think, helped me. One day, you'll wake up and the first thing on your mind won't be your loss, and everyday thereafter will get better and better until you actually feel peace. Praying for you that, that day is just around the corner

GiveLove

Heather,

I know this is a big shock for you and that you're scared and angry and sad.

Here is what a very wise and loving counselor once told me, and take it for what it's worth: He said that I was panicking over the loss of my painting. Explanation: I had painted "him" into my world in a certain way. I had created a whole landscape of my life with him in my mind, with him being and acting just so, with me being supported and not having to fear any more, with everything very much Okay. I'd had that painting on the wall of my life for a long time, and I was used to it. All my little neural pathways led back to it as the source of comfort and safety in my life. Without it I would just die.

Now the painting was gone, shredded by the reality that there was never going to be safety there, that he was seeing other women, that he was an addict, that he lied as easily as breathing. Never mind that it had all been delusional and fear-based. The damned thing was gone, and what was I going to do now? Panic and fear and sadness and anger just converged on me and crushed me.

First, said he: I had to take some time to understand this fully, and to grieve its loss. It may have been a delusion but it was a USEFUL delusion.

Second, said he: I had to make a new painting. Paint something equally beautiful but that didn't require him to be in it in order to feel safe and healthy. Make the effort to find and do things that made me feel strong, welcomed in society, cared-for by friends and family, peaceful.

I did the first; couldn't bring myself to do the second for a while, but eventually I did.

I hope you find the strength and gentleness with yourself to do the same.

All will be well, Heather.

Hugs,
GiveLove

p.s. doneforsure is absolutely right too. Though it may feel like the end of the world right now, time will erode the sharp edges of this pain. If you have the power, please try to see that this is the Best Possible Thing to break your dependency on this relationship. I know there are those of us out here who are nodding our heads thinking, "her HP is certainly looking out for her here"

queen

sorry

HKAngel24

Thank you to everyone who has extended their support.

I have a long road ahead of me in terms of learning to love myself and solely focus on a life of meaning created by me. I have existed as an appendage of another for so long because I believed I was inherently missing something.

It's hard for me to be realistic and rational about all of this. When he tells me he wants to get well to take care of me- I must be aware of the reality. He has a long road to travel, as do I. I cannot pin my hopes and dreams on his recovery or his rejection/acceptance of me. This will be the ultimate struggle- untangling my sense of worth from him. It is so difficult not to hold onto that future.

cinderellawkids

Think of 2 positive things:

1. He will be going to a good facility (do you know how few actually do?)
2. Its his choice to go into a long term rehab.

In the grand scheme of things 6 months is truly not a long time, trust me Ive waited that long before and looking back it flew.

It is better too that while working on themselves they have less contact with everyone else, especially in the beginning because he really needs to focus on him.

Do what you need to do for you. Concentrate on your life, and be prepared, cause I d be willing to bet he'll reappear again at sometime

Spiritual Seeker

Heather, let him go (emotionally mainly,as well as physically) If you love someone help them be their best self and make the choices in life that are best for them, expecially when they are life-saving
Over the last couple of yrs. I offered my son rehab in the Caribbean and then Arizona.
Both times he refused w/ the main reason being his selfish selff-centered short-sighted girlfriend who blocked his going and insisted she needed him there to pay part of rent- even tho she complained about his using, lies, behav. imaturity, etc. Now two yrs. later: he's lost his job, his addiction has progressed, we don't know where he is and they just broke up. Her fear was if he got well then he wouldn't come back to her. This has cost them both a very high price. Yes, he could have decided to go on his own -but she had too much influence on him. He asked her if he should go and she said NO NO NO. Think of the big picture. If your guy doesn't go, the future together for both of you is predictable and obvious. He needs to recover and so do you. If your future is together, it needs to be two whole well people. Let go Let go Let go

HKAngel24

Thanks Spir. Seeker- you are incredibly right.
It's difficult not to be instinctively selfish because the child in me wants to feel better NOW- but I know this is what is right. I know that it is best for him in the long run. If he stayed here he would only fall back into old habits. I had to find out from his mother though so I was pretty upset last Friday. He rang me on Saturday and said he had wanted to be the one to tell me and did not even know that I cared. I told him I was hurt and could not communicate my feelings without feeling like I was opening myself up for more emotional pain. He sounded different- calmer.

In the letter I wrote him, I actually said that in order for an "us" to exist- there needs to be two whole people who have to heal themselves.
I know that his sobriety is of paramount importance at this moment because if he is not in recovery, nothing much else matters.

Good point about how the future would then be predictable and obvious. Change is awful scary- so is letting go. Again I keep wishing for some magical procedure for ultimately letting go of another. If I face this with the courage and maturity of an adult and not the child's fear of being abandon and rejected than I think I can move through this and grow.

I hope to be able to keep myself in the big picture. Hard, when I am so wrapped up in still trying to control outcomes so I am not rejected because I cannot believe in my own adequacy and worth.

Alot of work for me to do to get to where I want to be.

Oh and lovestoomuch- you mentioned before about me being proud of him. I would like to say that to him but I do not know that it is possible. I do feel extremely depleted and that there is little left I can emotionally extend.

Live

You have the world by the tail, you just don't know it yet...but it sure shines to the rest of us!
Your post about act as if has had a real and very positive influence in my life this week. Thank you.

I would like to ask you to go to the Christians in recovery site...and with the standards set there...ask yourself what you have lost in him and what you could have. Also re-read the healthy relationships stickie in the relationships forum.

Thank you for being here, you make a difference.
My life is better this week because of you. And as you teach me, you will learn it in yourself. Promise!

i would like to share a quote from Benjamin Franklin with you about hope. If I don't get it to you in the next couple of days, would you reminde me please?

raerae6

[Quote]His options for a sober house or "Recovery house" were minimal here in Philadelphia. THe only option was in an extremely bad part of town.
His father agreed to fund him to return to a Florida facility he had visited when he was younger and had done well in.[Quote]

For some weird reason they tend to put lots of 1/2 way houses in bad drug filled neighborhoods.

My area has lots of drug dealing on the street and we have twice as many 1/2 houses as we are zoned for.

Long term treatment is the best thing. Maybe him being away will be good for both of you.

You said you are used to being an "appendige" of him. That is not healthy.

Think of this time as time you work on yourself while he works on himself.

The distance will do both of you good I bet.

This thing with him going to Florida is not about you. It's about him getting better.

rahsue

[QUOTE=HKAngel24;1411887]
I deeply fear rejection- as if it will ruin me QUOTE]

If I'm not mistaken, this is a feeling that all codies feel, I think it's what makes us codies.

Your on the right road Heather, you keep this us up and you're going to feel much better in no time.

cinderellawkids

Rehab and halfway houses draw the dealers, they arent stupid they know where business is, thats why they give out freebies with their numbers attached.

Therefore nice quiet neighborhoods fight halfway houses from being put in.

ANy idea which rehab he's going too? Reputation has it Phoenix House near Gainesville has a great reputation, and my brother went to a non NA one outside Orlando area

raerae6

Around here I don't think it's the 1/2 way houses drawing the dealers...there's already plenty of crack houses around already.

Spiritual Seeker

People can get sober at a Charley Street, Salvation Army or county facility in the "worst" part of town just the same as they can at the Betty Ford clinic in Palm Springs or Promises in Malibu. Addicts have been to the worst part of town before. Sending them to a wonderful neighborhood for rehab is not what is going to determine the outcome. IMHO

dollydo

First off, this is his life, his recovery, if it takes him going to Istanbul, then that's what it takes, if it takes a year, it takes a year. This is not your decision to try and control.

This man has no future with anyone until he gets and stays clean. He will have to focus totally on his recovery, not his relationship with you.

Your neediness, your complexes, are not his problem, his problem is addiction. He has to take responsibility for himself, and you need to take responsibility for your issues, and resolve them yourself.

You do not need him to take care of you, you need to take care of you, it is your life to live not his.

This is a positive thing for him, do something positive for you.

frankie_b

As long as you persist in believing you have no self worth, are inadequate you will
keep feeling that way. You are creating most of your own misery and it's not about
others. It's time to let go of the " poor poor me" syndrome and stop abandoning yourself.

Elana

Dolly said perfectly what I tried to.