Not quite fitting in

Old 07-15-2007, 08:45 PM
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Not quite fitting in

Well, I had a nice day relaxing at the pool and then a few neighbors showed up like the normally do on Sunday. There's was a group of us just hanging out,
the neighbors had a few drinks, no big deal to me and were telling stories from the week and past stuff they knew about, etc. I tried to comment here and there, laugh and joke, etc. We ordered pizza and the afternoon/evening progressed. I gave more money to cover expense than I should, no one had change, and told them they could pick up my tab next weekend.

The guy I have a crush on was there, too. You'd think I was 16 again. I always see what could be instead of just enjoying the moment of what is at the time. I mentioned to him if he wanted company for a movie to give me a call.

We wrapped up the little pool party and made our way back to the apartments.
Once I got home, I just fell apart. Some days are harder than others coming home to an empty apartment. I would have liked to have company and just be affectionate with someone. I want to feel wanted and appreciated.

I really didn't feel like I fit in downstairs. I always feel like the outsider watching everyone else. I still feel so alone among people. Guess that means they are the wrong people for me. I don't know. I keep trying to put myself out there, but it's just difficult. I know...I just haven't met the right one, yet as my mom reminds me. My mom also asked me why I can't just enjoy the time and not always want more than what's happening. I didn't have an answer for her. I guess I just want something I haven't had before. This single stuff is more frustrating now than when I was single the first time.

At least I know I sorta kinda fit in around here.
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Old 07-15-2007, 09:23 PM
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I know how you feel, I often feel like I stand out like a sore thumb in crowds, but I have learned that it is usually my mind in over drive. try to relax hun, it gets easier.You probably fit in better than you think
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Old 07-15-2007, 09:33 PM
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Yeah, probably my mind playing tricks on me again.
I think I've had too much downtime and will be glad to get back into my comfort zone at work.
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Old 07-15-2007, 09:58 PM
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Hmmmm.....sure you're not an alkie ?

Not feeling part of, feeling inadequate, feeling like you don't fit in, I know those feelings well and struggle with them. Feeling kind of like the new kid at school, except I'm 43.

That's why I enjoy the fellowship so much. It's nice to know there are others just like me, who have been what I've been through. I call them "my people" now.
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Old 07-16-2007, 05:54 AM
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Hey Teach

Our perceptions of ourselves, are often not CLOSE to how others perceive us.

If we are unsure and/or getting over damage to our cores, its easy to think we don't "fit". But a funny thing happens, people recognize us FROM the core. I bet every one fo those pool people think your the balls

I've expereinced the same thing. And I've figured it out. I'm TRYING too hard. Going from one extreme to the other. To be out from under the constant emotional abuse living with an A can bring, makes me want to all of a suden feel good about myself. The porblem is, I haven't healed yet because i'm looking to OTHERS to provide that "core" self esteem I lost over the last few years. I know what you mean. Sometimes I HATE being alone in my "big girl" place. Gotta LOVE that pity pot huh?!?!? LOl. Of course we don't, but in a strange way, its comforting? It brings us back into the "poor me" scenerio we lived in with our A's. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So, now, when I'm "lonely" I turn my thinking around. How VERY lucky I am to have my own place, the FREEDOM to do as I please including being around people when I want, and NOT when I don't want. Its all about time and learning to live differently.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Relax and let it happen,,

Your the BOMB!!!!!

Peace
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Old 07-16-2007, 06:35 AM
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I was reading this thred and thinking how much I would love to be alone and be able to come and go as I please and be around people I want and like. For the most part I don't have issues with fitting in. Even though I don't feel like everyone else sometimes. But I can't even think of it while I am still with my AH.

It would be nice to feel what I want or need to feel at the moment I feel it and not feel like I have to hide it because someone else might get upset and then the entire evening or weekend or maybe even week will be bad.

So back to you..... What are things you like to do? Do you do crafting or like to go dancing or I don't know but I'm just thinking maybe you should look for people who are interested in something you REALY enjoy.
D
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Old 07-16-2007, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner View Post
Hmmmm.....sure you're not an alkie ?

Not feeling part of, feeling inadequate, feeling like you don't fit in, I know those feelings well and struggle with them. Feeling kind of like the new kid at school, except I'm 43.

That's why I enjoy the fellowship so much. It's nice to know there are others just like me, who have been what I've been through. I call them "my people" now.

OT--I often don't feel "a part of"; I've heard that said about alkies but wondered if it wasn't another of the ISMS making the human condition somehow more individualized. Actually; I don't drink anymore (but a sip once in a great while) but I have wondered about all that,too.

What makes me feel the most like I do not fit in is that I do not like to be around much drinking anymore,and everywhere I go or look,there it is. Drunk people annoy me!

thanks for the mini-vent!
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Old 07-16-2007, 06:58 AM
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I too know how you feel, it happened to me Sat. night, i was with MY friends and it was one of the first times out alone in the past month. My ex became friends with my friends and we all hung out. It appeared in my head to by very coupled off and i did find myself out on the porch most of the night with another single friend that is going through the same thing. I completely understand what your going through. For me, it's that fish out of water feeling that i'm having trouble shaking.

I do go out with friends alot but feel like i have to put a face on and for the most part would rather be in bed but know I can't do that. And like other's said, you probably feel out of sorts but to everyone else your you There is light at the end and it truly is one day at a time, sometimes i go backwards but keep remembering that we don't deserve this treatment

thinking of you.....
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Old 07-16-2007, 07:49 AM
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I enjoyed my freedom very much after my divorce but about a year later when all was settled I had those feelings of loneliness and not fitting it. I didn’t seem to fit in with my married friends anymore and those who were single were (desperate) singles looking for anyone to make them feel happy. I joined a volunteer organization and for sure didn’t feel like I belonged but stuck it out and ended up making all kinds of new friends and having opportunities to get out and go places.

I also looked into my co-dependency while working on myself and learned so much about my own happiness and how my own happiness was up to me it was not someone else’s responsibility. Feelings of low self esteem and not fitting in were all apart of it.
I was always concerned with everyone else’s happiness always making sure they were feeling comfortable I forgot all about myself.

I think when we focus on all the things NOT happening in our lives our minds do take over and sometimes our minds uses a magnifying glass and make things appear larger then they really are. I think your mom is on to something by asking why you can’t enjoy today and I think you answered that question without realizing it. You said you want something you’ve never had. When we want something so bad and focus so much on that we tend to not see what is right in front of our eyes today because we are looking to far ahead.

All things come in time, you sound like you have some good/fun friends that make your weekend time enjoyable, that’s great…
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Old 07-16-2007, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner View Post
That's why I enjoy the fellowship so much. It's nice to know there are others just like me, who have been what I've been through. I call them "my people" now.
They're my friends, but I think of them as my family. Every night I go to a meeting and "fit in" with over 100 people who are just like me. After the meeting there are usually a few groups that go out for dinner or coffee, and often we get together on weekends for BBQ's, camping, movies, etc. I met my GF in recovery, sometimes she attends meetings with me and she has a deep understanding of alcoholism and addictions.

What we "need", not want, will come in time. I kept wanting my ex and the friends we had together back, but I got exactly what I needed, more true relationships in recovery than I ever dreamed was possible.
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