supertech

Hi to all on this website. I was in need of some help and I managed to stumble on this site. Seems i'm not the only one who is struggling with dependency issues. It just seems that way a lot of the time.
I'm dependent on codeine mainly in prescription painkillers or OTC stuff. It doesn't seem to matter really as long as I get some codeine in my day, then I feel ok. But this has been going on for 7 years and it really has got to stop. So on saturday, I stopped taking anything. And i'm now off work with the usual withdrawals and feeling pretty low. I'm used to this period of kicking the tabs but every time I go through it, it's like it was the first time. A waking hell I suppose.
How did all this start??? My first husband was an alcoholic and drug addict and he also had mental health issues. I lived with it all for 13 years and I had the occasional drink at christmas but tried to help him get through. He died in 1999 leaving me and my little girl to pick up the pieces. Just after all that I injured my back and was first prescribed Solpadol by my GP for my back pain. They worked and I slowly got better but by then it was too late, the tabs had me. I think it was because they stopped me from thinking about what had happened to me. When I was taking them, things just didn't seem too bad. They were the perfect anaesthetic for me. My back got better but I just carried on with the tabs. My doctor just put them on repeat for me and I started to become quite clever at getting hold of them. I found other ways of getting my supplies. I made excuses. I never admitted what I was doing to anyone until I was seeing a decent bloke a few years later who sussed something was wrong and forced me to confront what was happening and made me come off them cold turkey. I spent three days in bed at his flat and that was the first of many nightmare withdrawal sessions. A few years later, I have married again and all is well with my life except i'm still stuck in the rut that is painkiller dependency. I told my husband a while ago. It didn't help as it's just made me "go underground" with it. I have done some unbelievably creative stuff just so I can take my tabs. But doing this is so beyond wrong. I love me hubby with all my heart yet i'm consistently lying to him and deceiving him everyday. He truly is a lovely man and a perfect husband but he would not be able to take my absolute honesty. He just would not understand so here I am. Hopefully amongst folk who do know what its like and can empathise and maybe even offer some advice. Thanks for listening and for having a site like this. So as from Saturday, i'm tab free so far and not loving my decision very much at the moment.

Aysha

Hi super..Glad you are here.
Is that Wellington Fl. If you dont mind me asking.
Keep posting.

Sav

Have you sought medical help for stopping? A desire to stop is great, and the recognition of a problem even better, but sometimes strength of will is not enough for most people. The first six months are very difficult. If you already know all this, just ignore it. But it was years for me before I learned all the horrible "secrets" of opiate addiction, especially the physical facts..

Hope you stick around-

Anna

Hi Supertech,

Welcome!

You've been codeine-free since Saturday which is good.

You don't say how much or how many pills you've been taking, but it would be a good idea to talk to your dr about the withdrawls. Be honest with him about the situation.

We have lots of support here, so keep posting.

FallGirl

Congrats supertech! This place is great for support - anytime you need to, just post here, the great think about it is there are always people on here!

Take care and stay strong!

FallGirl

Rowan

Welcome to our recovery community!

I would definitely get honest with your doctor about your usage - and seek out a system of support.

In the meantime, please keep posting. Wonderful people here who understand what you're facing.

supertech

Thanks for all your replies. I'm in Wellington New Zealand. I've been on this awful merry-go-round of taking the tabs, stopping the tabs etc for about 7 years now. But i'm certainly no expert. My normal way of taking the codeine is by a UK product called Solpadol which is 30 mg's of codeine and 500mg's of paracetamol. I have only been taking the tablets as prescribed, which is 2 tabs dissolved in liquid four times a day. I'm pretty careful because of the paracetamol. But by deceiving people, i've managed to get hold of codeine tablets which are pure codeine and 60mg's of codeine per tab and i've used tramadol as a substitute when I couldn't get hold of any codeine. As of Friday last week, I was taking two tramadol and one 60mg codeine tablet every three hours. Now, i've flushed them down the toilet. And there are no more in the house, just plain old paracetamol. I'm feeling at my lowest at the moment and my trips to the toilet are never ending. I feel so out of it and not in a good way. My poor hubby hasn't a clue and thinks i've eaten something that doesn't agree with me again. I've lied so much to him and thats' the worst part of my behaviour. I'm so ashamed of what i've done. I think i've been a terrible wife recently. Basically dead from the head down. Totally out of it all the time. I just don't know how I have managed to keep working so long. My hubby is the best any one could wish to meet and i've done all this behind his back. He does not deserve any of this. I truly am a terrible person but i'm going to change all this. I wish I could figure out where all this behaviour has come from. I was never like this before.

Aducksdelight

Hi supertech and welcome to SR. First off, you aren't a terrible person. You are an addict and one who needs recovery pronto. I am glad you found us and I hope you can get through this rough part and start taking care of yourself. You know fully well that you'll never be a great wife if you're on drugs, hiding them from your husband, whom you love very much. You can and will be a great wife if you can admit that you have a problem and do everything in your power to get help and be willing to live a new life. Only then can you find any semblance of recovery and happiness. I know it's tough. I am an opiate addict too. We've all been there in some form or another. Please keep coming back here. We'll be here no matter what.

indigo

Welcome to SR it helped save my life, keep posting and let's all get to know each other. You'll meet some very warm, wise people here.

Rusty Zipper

ST, happy your making a effort to do something about, er, the problem...

all good wishes to you ST

xxoo, rz

parentrecovers

nice to meet you. recovery is possible. blessings, k

Missymae737

Welcome to this great place of support and a wealth of information.

Keep posting, we are here for you...

Sav

Congrat's on your resolve. It's a great first step.

But do be aware that you've got an addiction that's essentially the same as any heroin addict on the street, physically.
I get the impression you've been doing this regularly, for a long time. If you can fight through the worst of it, and keep on with your life, then great!

But keep in mind the "secondary withdrawal" can go on for months. And while "low level", it's debilitating, especially if you're trying to hide it from a loved one, while holding down a job and such. You may want to come clean (so to speak!) with him. If I was in his place, after a while, I might start panicking and thinking the worst (cancer, or some such). He'd probably be relieved and understanding to find out you're just getting clean.

If you find it's too much, and after a couple of weeks you're having to much trouble just "getting by", then you may want to seek additional medical help. I don't konw what you're options are in New Zealand, but if you're careful, you can get help in the form of non-addictive medications that can help you get back to a state of physical normalcy, at which point you'll feel "normal" enough to get to the true root of your addiction.

I hope it works out! All power to you...

Jules62

Hi supertech! As someone else said-you are not a terrible person-you have an addiction.I think you're doing really well.I have a wonderful husband too-and was terrified of telling him I had a drinking problem.(like he didn't know?LOL) But-he was so understanding and supportive and continues to be....I was just scared he'd think less of me-but it actually brought us closer and now means I have his support here to not drink-every day.

Keep posting and hang in there.We do care!

Jules

supertech

Hi all
Thanks again for the fantastic replies. Although i'm in floods of tears reading them, i'm grateful for some understanding. Just to communicate with others who know exactly what i'm feeling is such a comfort. I had such a bad night. I went to bed early and lied to my hubby that I was still suffering from food poisoning. He went to work this morning and said he would buy some immodium tablets(stuff to stop the trips to the loo) on his way home from work. As soon as he was out of the door, I just broke down and I think I cried for an hour or so. I just can't tell him the truth. He is such a genuine and honest person, it would devastate him. But he just wouldn't understand. I would rather go on hurting myself forever than hurt him for five minutes. He is the love of my life and i'm the luckiest person in the world to have the chance to be with him. So i'm gonna have to keep this pretence that i've got food poisoning.
I'm off work again. I'm not sure how employers are in NZ. I hope they are ok and don't sack people for being "sick". I usually need a couple of days off for the worst of the symptoms to pass and then I can get by ok and usually find work a much needed distraction. We aren't Kiwis. We are from the UK and working here for a year. We'll be going back to the UK next March. I miss my family and friends and I guess that isn't helping. I know some nice people here as NZ is a fantastic country and it's people are all so friendly, but they are not my mates or my family.
I was trying to figure out why i've been stuck in this drug hazed rut for so long. Seven years is such a long time. I've lost count of the amount of times i've stopped and gone through this hell. The "me" before my first husband died is so not the "me" of today. I don't recognise myself. I look in the mirror and I don't know the person looking back at me anymore. My first husband had so many problems. He was a serious substance abuser. First alcohol, then drugs, then alcohol and drugs. I tried to help. I worked shifts and brought our daughter up and looked after the house and him. It was hard but I wanted him to be ok. I was kidding myself, I know that. But at least I tried. I did that for 13 years. When he was committed to yet another institution in the UK, I decided that he should stay there to give myself and our girl a break from it all. They didn't keep him in the institution. They put him in his own flat and he was dead within a couple of months. I failed him and our daughter. If he'd have been with me, then he would still be alive. The hardest thing i've ever had to do is go to our twelve year old daughter and tell her her dad was dead. It tore me to pieces. It did the same to her too. I'll never forget the look on her face. 8.00pm, 23rd February 1999. I think that's when I changed. That night I changed. We had to go through an inquest as his death was suspicious. I still believe it was suspicious circumstances. The funeral was as close to hell on earth as it can get for us. I held my girls hand and told her all would be well one day. I tried not to cry too much because I don't look my best when I cry. The rest of the months just passed me by and I found some of my husbands' Solpadol in amongst his belongings that the Police returned to me. I understood what they were for but I didn't take them. Soon afterwards, I trapped the sciatic nerve in my back in three places after an incident at work and was prescribed Solpadol to get me through the physical therapy. They did more than numb the physical pain. They numbed me. Full stop. I thought it was a good thing. Now I know it wasn't. I pretend that i'm ok but I know i'm not. I've since re-married (obviously). My 2nd hubby knew most of my history as I was working with him at the time all of this happened. We've been friends for years. We've talked about what happened honestly. He's so supportive. I'm so lucky to have this chance to be happy but for the majority of my 2nd marriage, i've been taking the tablets.
Anyway, i've rambled on enough. This is helping a lot to be able to be honest with all of you. Thank you......

IO Storm

Hello Super-T..

I was much like you a long time ago..

A "good Christian wife" married to an alcoholic..an occasional drink on holidays.

I was addicted to precribed Xanax..a 20 year habit., and a chemical set-up

for alcoholism.

When I got divorced..I went into ful blown alcoholism...

My first treatment in the psych ward ward was after an OD of Xanax and a bottle

of Johnny Walker Red.

The docs said it took 5 days for the alcohol to pass thru my system..awhile longer

for the weed..(yeh, a real pothead too..)..

And 4 months of controlled detox of the benzo. they said the long term use

of the barbiturate would result in fatal convulsions if withdrawn suddenly.

I took Klonipin..4 pills daily the first month, then 3, then 2, then one daily.

It worked for me.

As I suggest to all benzo users here, please get medical help if you are detoxing

on your own..and please seek emergency help if the withdrawals are too much

for you to handle!

My very best to you.

Love,

:

IO

P.S.

supertech

Its 2.00am for me here and 3.00pm for my daughter in the UK and we are online chatting on MSN. She didn't come to NZ with us as she was doing some studying. She is nearly 22 now and has a good life of her own but I miss her so much. This is our first time apart and it's hard. I'm counting the months and days now when I can be back in the UK and with her again. I can't sleep. I've tried but i'm worried about work and my withdrawals are still going on too. I'm hot and cold and such a bad headache. Almost every bone in my body aches. I'm such a mess but i'm not gonna give in. No way, this is the last time i'm ever going to go through this.
Thanks for all the messages of welcome and support.
Best wishes to all.

supertech

It's 9.30am here in New Zealand. I've been up all night again. Couldn't sleep. In the end I broke down and spoke to hubby about the issues I have in my life. I didn't speak up about my drug problem and it felt as though that was the right thing to do at this point but i've made another promise to myself that when I feel ok and i'm over the worst and getting my head straight then i'll sit him down and we will talk about my drug issues. Just now feels as though it is not the time. But we did talk about all my other probs and how i've been feeling for such a long time. Neither of us have gone into work. We are both so shattered after our chat marathon. I've also told him that I want to go back home to the UK as soon as possible. This won't be easy as financially we are a bit stuck at the moment but we are looking at going home in October of this year. I think that will help me on the long road to recovery. I love NZ but it isn't my home. Being here has been a good experience personally and professionally but I feel it has come to an end for me. Hubby wants to stay so i'm being selfish here by insisting we go back. But i'm convinced it's for the best. And one day he'll understand why a bit better when I can be fully honest with him about my problems.
I'm sorry to ramble on and I don't expect anyone to read any of the stuff I write but it truly is helpful knowing i'm not on my own and that there are people who understand.
Thanks.

bval

WOW.

You are so taking me back to my buprenorphine withdrawal period right now I cannot even tell you. All those symptoms, i have felt EXACTLY. Crying my eyes out over anything remotely sentimental or even just 'normal' seeming. Every bone aching. Mad leg twitching, especially at night when trying to sleep, which is of course completely futile for awhile unless you take something, constantly shifting back and forth, getting up, laying back down, getting up, laying back down, can't get comfortable mentally or physically, continuous hot/cold flashes, and worst of all, just feeling like a empty, entirely soulless pit of just barely controllable LONGING ... Brain/body conspiring against you, over and over they are shouting "GOD please, can I just have ONE FREAKING PILL, PLEASE PLEASE just make this feeling go away ..."

HOW MANY TIMES have I (and I'm sure many of us here, right guys?!?) been EXACTLY where you are, supertech? TOO MANY.

Oxycodone addict here, pretty similar to codeine really, only ... much worse because I didn't have to worry about the APAP with MY oxycontin pills, oh no! It was 16 percodan worth of pure powered oxycodone up my nose in one shot, up to 4-5 times a day at my worst ... 3 times at my 'best'. God, that is some really, really (excellent...) I MEAN EVIL, EVIL DOPE right there!

The good news for you is ... well, first of all, you are close to DONE with the worst of your w/d's if you quit codeine on Saturday. I'd say you'll be feeling at least 80% by this Friday, despite the years of abuse, getting off short-acting opiates is not THAT long of misery (it's just REALLY REALLY BAD misery while it lasts, eh? You LEARNING SOMETHING by it? If so, consider your misery a SUCCESS!)

(I sure as hell DID take something to sleep, meself, and I don't regret it in the least. I recommend the same to you if you start to really breakdown because of the lack of sleep. My doc, who ran a treatment center for years, gave me 30 ambien without batting an eye, and he knew my honest history - which did NOT include abusing any type of sleep aid, so ... maybe that played into his thinking ... Anyway, at the least, HAVE onhand for yourself some OTC sleeping pills - the STRONGEST you can get that aren't addictive, in the USA we have Unisom (doxylamine succinate to be exact). I say the strongest because the next step down, in the US anyway, is Diphenhydramine, and it doesn't work for squat in the opiate w/d situation. Makes it worse, actually.

ANYWAYS, it's soon going to be time to level with the hubby, you know that already, but don't worry about that for now. What you should be thinking is that you need to get your butt into the doors of Narcotics Anonymous. Pronto. Don't think twice about it, just DO IT. And you don't even have to thank me later.

Thanks for posting, you are VERY WELCOME here at SR, everyone wants to help you and will do whatever we can, just ask

And don't feel like a bad person, okay? YOU ARE NOT BAD. These drugs, especially opiates, are MORE POWERFUL THAN WE HUMAN BEINGS ARE. They cannot be taken for any length of time without causing dependency, and once dependent, you are no longer 'in charge of the situation'. Remember that. This has happened to MILLIONS of people throughout history, and many of them were GENIUSES.

bval

By the way, the digestive problems? They are going to one of the last things to heal, so just be prepared. I've heard metamucil, contrary to intuition, helps 'firm things up'. Imodium won't hurt either.

Along with the Ambien, my doctor prescribed my Clonidine (a beta-blocker) and Neurontin (nerve pain blocker, non-narcotic) and THEY (along with the sleep I finally got) HELPED IMMENSELY. I would level with your Doc about what you're going through, s/he needs to know anyway in order to be of proper service in the future, and tell him you've read online that these are 'proper' drugs to prescribe to someone in your shoes. It can't hurt to ask, and I guarantee you'll be very glad to have them available if you feel you need them...

And get to some NA meetings, missy, or else you'll be RIGHT BACK at the same place you're at now, somewhere down the line, I promise you that. You CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. Please, if you believe me about anything I've said, believe that, it's as close to a fact as you're going to hear anywhere.

Oh, and one more fact ... ALL ... ADDICTS ... LIE!!!

It's what we do.

ALL OF US, when in active addiction, we become master manipulators, con-artists, and best of all LIARS. Again, doesn't make you BAD, it makes you ... surprise ... an addict. Accept this fact about yourself, accept that you are beaten by this disease (and it IS a disease, may not be caused by virus/bacteria etc but it's a very real disease nonetheless), accept that you must get help in order to arrest it's progression, and resolve yourself that you are EVENTUALLY going to come clean with everyone about what has been going on with you - then put the guilt and shame on the back burner for now, okay? Just get yourself WELL. Anyone that you've harmed in some way, at least, is going to deserve, and therefore WILL HEAR some sincere amends from you ... once you've got some sobriety under your belt, you'll find the amends will go VERY WELL I promise