Enough is enough
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 34
Enough is enough
While I haven't posted much on this site, I find it amazingly theraputic to read all of your posts. Its so comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this nightmare, and I thank each and every one of you.
But now enough is enough - I'm divorcing my ah of one year. Its breaking my heart, but I've been through it three times with him over the past six months - 1 rehab, 3 relapses, countless lies and endless deception. I simply can't do it anymore. He even told me the other night that he has no interest in stopping - that is, until he heard the word "divorce." Suddenly he wants to separate for six months to get himself clean - apparently being away from my "coddling" him will help his recovery. Is it me, or does that imply its my fault he's an addict? And then when I declined the separation idea, he said he won't have any reason to get clean if not for me - so again, its MY FAULT if he doesn't get sober! Are you seeing a theme here?
How can I go on in this relationship? How can I plan for our future when I can't see what tomorrow will bring? I need a partner, not a child. I deserve better. My unborn kids deserve better. And even if he did get clean in six months, who's to say that he won't use again once we get back together and there's no more incentive to stay clean?
For the better part of our marriage, I've put his needs first. Now its my turn, and it feels good. Heartbreaking and horribly sad, but at least I found resolution in this madness.
But now enough is enough - I'm divorcing my ah of one year. Its breaking my heart, but I've been through it three times with him over the past six months - 1 rehab, 3 relapses, countless lies and endless deception. I simply can't do it anymore. He even told me the other night that he has no interest in stopping - that is, until he heard the word "divorce." Suddenly he wants to separate for six months to get himself clean - apparently being away from my "coddling" him will help his recovery. Is it me, or does that imply its my fault he's an addict? And then when I declined the separation idea, he said he won't have any reason to get clean if not for me - so again, its MY FAULT if he doesn't get sober! Are you seeing a theme here?
How can I go on in this relationship? How can I plan for our future when I can't see what tomorrow will bring? I need a partner, not a child. I deserve better. My unborn kids deserve better. And even if he did get clean in six months, who's to say that he won't use again once we get back together and there's no more incentive to stay clean?
For the better part of our marriage, I've put his needs first. Now its my turn, and it feels good. Heartbreaking and horribly sad, but at least I found resolution in this madness.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((dazed))
You sound like you have thought this thing through. You sound strong, that is a good thing. Everything you state is so very true. It took me 13 years to come to the conclusions you have, Hugs and prayers to you.
B
You sound like you have thought this thing through. You sound strong, that is a good thing. Everything you state is so very true. It took me 13 years to come to the conclusions you have, Hugs and prayers to you.
B
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 34
B,
Thank you for replying. Believe me, it was a tough decision to make, and I still have my weak moments when the tears come. But when he signed our behavioral contract, he knew the consequences and did it anyway. What choice did he leave me? I'm hoping that even if we're not together, he will take care of himself and get clean. Maybe that's his bottom, maybe not. But I just can't go down with him. My biggest fear is being in this same position five years from now and wishing I had put my foot down.
Thank you for your kind words - I truly appreciate them.
Thank you for replying. Believe me, it was a tough decision to make, and I still have my weak moments when the tears come. But when he signed our behavioral contract, he knew the consequences and did it anyway. What choice did he leave me? I'm hoping that even if we're not together, he will take care of himself and get clean. Maybe that's his bottom, maybe not. But I just can't go down with him. My biggest fear is being in this same position five years from now and wishing I had put my foot down.
Thank you for your kind words - I truly appreciate them.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I left my alcoholic husband after almost 20 years for similar reasons.. I was not going to let my entire life be ruined with his.
Yes you will cry and there will be moments and memories both good and bad.
Your message is a good one. Anyone involved with an addict should read it.
Yes you will cry and there will be moments and memories both good and bad.
Your message is a good one. Anyone involved with an addict should read it.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by dazednconfuse 
My biggest fear is being in this same position five years from now and wishing I had put my foot down.
Good for you setting boundries early on!
Good luck! You are a smart woman!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Dazed,
You're wonderful to take such tender care of yourself and your future this way. I know how hard it is. People think you're either born strong enough to do this, or you're not. But I know the effort that it's taking to do the right thing for yourself rather than cave in to his guilt trips and manipulation.
I wish I'd come to the same conclusions sooner -- rather than thousands of dollars, hundreds of lies, zillions of tears later
Respect to you, lady!!!!
GiveLove
You're wonderful to take such tender care of yourself and your future this way. I know how hard it is. People think you're either born strong enough to do this, or you're not. But I know the effort that it's taking to do the right thing for yourself rather than cave in to his guilt trips and manipulation.
I wish I'd come to the same conclusions sooner -- rather than thousands of dollars, hundreds of lies, zillions of tears later
Respect to you, lady!!!!
GiveLove
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Dazed...As everyone before me has said...as painful as these past months have been, it is so good that you are considering your needs and your future and taking care of you now and not finding yourself in the same or worse position in 5 years. He has to take care of himself...you absolutely no you did not cause any of this and you can't cure him. I'm sorry for the pain and sadness you are experiencing but I know you will continue to move forward and work through the pain. Hugs
Sav
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NYC,NY
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by dazednconfuse
While I haven't posted much on this site, I find it amazingly theraputic to read all of your posts. Its so comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this nightmare, and I thank each and every one of you.
But now enough is enough - I'm divorcing my ah of one year. Its breaking my heart, but I've been through it three times with him over the past six months - 1 rehab, 3 relapses, countless lies and endless deception. I simply can't do it anymore. He even told me the other night that he has no interest in stopping - that is, until he heard the word "divorce." Suddenly he wants to separate for six months to get himself clean - apparently being away from my "coddling" him will help his recovery. Is it me, or does that imply its my fault he's an addict? And then when I declined the separation idea, he said he won't have any reason to get clean if not for me - so again, its MY FAULT if he doesn't get sober! Are you seeing a theme here?
How can I go on in this relationship? How can I plan for our future when I can't see what tomorrow will bring? I need a partner, not a child. I deserve better. My unborn kids deserve better. And even if he did get clean in six months, who's to say that he won't use again once we get back together and there's no more incentive to stay clean?
For the better part of our marriage, I've put his needs first. Now its my turn, and it feels good. Heartbreaking and horribly sad, but at least I found resolution in this madness.
But now enough is enough - I'm divorcing my ah of one year. Its breaking my heart, but I've been through it three times with him over the past six months - 1 rehab, 3 relapses, countless lies and endless deception. I simply can't do it anymore. He even told me the other night that he has no interest in stopping - that is, until he heard the word "divorce." Suddenly he wants to separate for six months to get himself clean - apparently being away from my "coddling" him will help his recovery. Is it me, or does that imply its my fault he's an addict? And then when I declined the separation idea, he said he won't have any reason to get clean if not for me - so again, its MY FAULT if he doesn't get sober! Are you seeing a theme here?
How can I go on in this relationship? How can I plan for our future when I can't see what tomorrow will bring? I need a partner, not a child. I deserve better. My unborn kids deserve better. And even if he did get clean in six months, who's to say that he won't use again once we get back together and there's no more incentive to stay clean?
For the better part of our marriage, I've put his needs first. Now its my turn, and it feels good. Heartbreaking and horribly sad, but at least I found resolution in this madness.
Y'know, if he's saying he needs 6 months separation, it's the first recognition towards recovery he's really having.
The hardest part about stopping is your loved ones. For better or worse, you've worked out patterns of destructive behavior with them that are just to easy to continue to cycle through over...and over.
Recognizing that he needs time alone to work through his demons is a very positive step.
This doesn't make it YOUR Fault at all. It just is what it is. Maybe in six months or a few years he'll achieve a stability of self that will lead to abstinence.
But commonly, the damage is done. I'm sorry for the end of your relationship, but sometimes you have to move on. And in the end run, your happiness is, of course, what's important.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
addict are all about blame. if it was not you it would be someone else.the 3 c's are,
i did not CAUSE it ,I can not CONTROL it, i can not CURE it...he is going to use if you are there or not.it is his choice is to use or not, your chose is to let go or be dragged.i know this is painful for you. you & him both will be in my prayers,
i did not CAUSE it ,I can not CONTROL it, i can not CURE it...he is going to use if you are there or not.it is his choice is to use or not, your chose is to let go or be dragged.i know this is painful for you. you & him both will be in my prayers,
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((dazednconfuse)))))
I certainly hope you get in touch with what you need and want and can see that an addict is not going to fill that bill.
Best wishes to you be strong keep the focus on yourself...
I certainly hope you get in touch with what you need and want and can see that an addict is not going to fill that bill.
Best wishes to you be strong keep the focus on yourself...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
my addict is my 20 year old son. how many times have i heard, you make me want to use, your the reason i did this, or that or blah,blah,blah. when i first expressed my frustration about this to an aftercare leader he just plainly ask me, can you make your son quit using, i said no, he said well guess what you din't make him start either. he said thats just his ******** your choosing to believe and its just not true. it made me feel better. i agree with you about leaving, oh how ive wished a thousnad times i could "divorce my as" . of course i can't, hes my child. maybe you can.
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