WhatAboutME

OK, so I haven't been on the boards much lately because I went on vacation with a friend from college to Las Vegas. It was a fantastic time - with a capital F! Just the right mix of fun, and slightly wild, nights and daytime relaxation by the pool. Anyway, up until the trip, my AH had been staying with his Mother. He had actually been sober for about 3 weeks prior to my leaving for Vegas. Because the trip itself was costing me an arm and leg, I agreed to let him stay at the house to care for our 4 dogs while I was gone, which saved me about $500 in kennel fees. Everything went great. No drinking and the house was fairly clean when I got back. To my surprise, he had basically moved himself back into the house while I was gone - You know, he hasn't drank in 3 whole weeks, everything is back to "normal" (whatever that it). I came home this past Monday. I was very on edge having him back in the house and let him know as much. I found myself being very short with him, and basically not very nice. Well, not mean, just "numb", if that makes sense. I realized that this situation was not fair to me or him in his early recovery and suggested that he go back to his Mom's and maybe come down on the weekends or whatever. He did not like this. You can imagine how the conversationS went...What happended in Vegas? Did you meet someone in Vegas? I don't like how you're acting now! Etc. Etc. He finally left yesterday morning. As he walked out the door I said, "Instead of making me feel guilty about needing my space, perhaps you should see this as an opportunity to prove to me that you want to remain sober, etc. and are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve recovery." I talked to him once he got to his Mother's in the afternoon. He said "I'll call you before bed." And that's the last I heard from him. His Mom called me today to let me know that he drank last night. Then, he called and the alcoholic beast reared it's ugly head. The verbal attack began, and ended with him telling me to just file for divorce. I have to admit, I feel a bit guilty. The rational part of me KNOWS that it was only a matter of days or weeks before he drank again if I let him stay in the house, but my heart aches that asking him to leave pushed him over the edge. And maybe it did, but just by days. He was not working a program, going to AA or anything. He was taking the "if I don't talk about it, it doesn't exist" route.

I am stronger than I've been in months. I pray today is just a blip (feeling guilty) in my own well-being and recovery.

I did the right thing by asking him to leave, right?!?

hadenoughnow

yes, you did the right thing

Mr. Christian

Yes you did the right thing.
Of course he used it as an excuse to act out.
If he was serious he would have been working a program.


Stay strong.

CE Girl

Hey WAM,,,

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, right?!?!?

Glad you had a good time

We seem to be "paralleling". My A went to detox 2 weeks ago, as far as I know (email) stayed sober.

On Friday, I decided, With some help from a friend. I needed to continue on my journey and leave him to his own. Like you, knew it would be a matter of time till he drank again. I "sense" that he is. Don't know for sure, but my "karma" tells me that since he viewed my "no contact" as a slap in the face to him, he could conveniently use it as an excuse. I have deleted his email without reading, and he left me a voicemail last night, but I deleted that too as soon as I realized it was him. I heard two words, and one of them isn't suitable to use in a public forum. But he only uses it when active, so my karma has been confirmed.

Do I feel Guilt?' Like I somehow cause yet another relapse?

Hell NO

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't CURE it

And I'm damn well happy, I stopped the contact when I did. Otherwise, I'd be in my codieism, beating myself up.

Screw him. I'm DONE

So, based on my most recent expereince did you do the right thing?

Your sure as shooting RIGHT ya did girl,,,

Let go of the guilt, bask in the "leftover" of your vacation and MOVE on

Peace

minnie

If you wanted him to leave for your own peace, then, yes you did the right thing.

It is not your problem that he didn't have a plan in place to deal with difficult situations in another way.

As an aside, to me, a relapse happens mid-recovery and is usually relatively short-lived. Anything else is just resuming previous behaviour.

Heavenlyx3

You did the right thing! At least he isnt in your home sloppy drunk!

dollydo

Yes, of coarse you did.

WhatAboutME

Thanks for the reassurement! I wonder who or what he will use as his excuse to drink when I'm finally out of his life. Not my problem I guess.

Asking him to leave was purely for myself and my own sanity. I need my space right now and I found that every little thing he did drove me completely insane. I was constantly aggitated, which was no more fair to him than me. I asked him to leave, for now, with faith that if things were meant to be, they would work out. I guess I have been shown once again, that things are not meant to be between us.

Yes, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! But I will say, a few nights of shameless flirting and attention from the opposite sex was truly chicken soup for the soul. I never realized how completely down on myself I was until this trip. For years, I have felt like crap, probably looked like crap and carried around a serious "poor me" chip on my shoulder. I vowed to leave that baggage at home for this vacation and make room for a cute black dress and pair strappy sandals instead. Good choice!

laurie6781

Please DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. It was his choice to drink, he is just using you asking him to leave as his CURRENT EXCUSE.

If he had stayed ................................it would have been another one.

You ABSOLUTELY did the correct thing.

Good for you!!!!!

Love and hugs,

CE Girl

ME TOO, ME TOO, WAM (waving my hand in the air)!!!!

Strangest thing happened today though,,

I was roller blading on the beach and a park ranger asked me if I wanted a "pull". It took me a while to realize it was a pick up line!!! LMAO I think I BLUSHED here to eternity!!! And man, was he CUTE,,,

Your right, it Defnately was some "chicken soup"

Leave it to you minnie to put it in TRUE perspective.

My A's just "carrying on"

Peace

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome back to the neighborhood. It is easy to forget "We didn't cause it and can't control it" We are just not that powerful. It is amazing how easy it us to relapse when they do.

kglast

Good to hear from you , WAM! Glad you had a great time in Vegas....

and, YES, you definitely did the right thing....

WhatAboutME

Yesterday was definitely a blip. Good grief, I just realized that I was worred about his relapse, or resuming his old behaviors, and did not even realize that I had relapsed in my own way of thinking. I know the 3 C's by heart, and yet I actually asked if I did the right thing and was worried that asking him to leave may have pushed him over the edge to drink (sooner than later anyway)?!?

This morning, the fog has lifted. I have no doubt that I did the right thing. For so many years, my AH has totally invalidated my feelings. I need my space right now. It's that simple. For my own well-being and continued recovery, I need my space...from him, whether he's drinking or not.

Carpe Diem!

Missy

Wish I had your guts.... I tell AH no booze in house. no lip service, the "F" word, no accusing me of stuff I dont do and no blaming me for where he is at....
or... you will be gone.
He is still there.. who is the sick one here?Think I will start another thread. I'm sure that there are more of "me" out there.

Saint Francis

Dear Whataboutme, we've said it before, but we must be married to the same guy (lol). Although I don't know how my AH can cause the same havoc to two different households 200 miles away? Same treatments, same relapses, same blaming, etc. One thing that doesn't seem to be the same, you're doing better with your recovery than I am. I commend you for your efforts and boundries. At least you have your place to yourself minus the insanity. Sounds like your trip was fun. Keep up the good work and give me pointers.

WhatAboutME

(((Missy)))

My "evolution" and emancipation has come about quite quickly in just the past 6 months. Before that, just over 10 years of hell. I try not to beat myself up for spending so much time trying to change a situation that I had absolutely no control over, and neither should you! It crept up on me, and then one day, BOOM!!! I was ready to move on and detach. It was that simple and the desire to change was overwhelming - Something I could no longer ignore.

Barbara52

My biggest concern in someways for me is that I will momentarily forget my resolve and need to detach and let AH talk me into doing something I know I cannot do. Give him a few bucks, pay a bill, whatever. But I know my lapses will be momentary only because I am beginning to live the way I deserve to live and I won't give that up.