Aysha

Yes..Another whine fest from me.
I have never been a depressed person. But these past few days I dont want to get out of bed..go outside or even do anything. I just want to cry. And I never cry.
I am sick of being this way. Sick of being unemployed. Sick of being a big nobody.
Sick of everything.
Sick of trying and failing. Just sick and tired.
All my friends are addicts or dealers and live in other states.
I have no friends here. I dont like not having someone to talk to about anything. I can talk to my family. But they dont understand like some of my friends do.
I am getting lonely. I found out my ex got married. Even though I would never get back with him. NEVER!!! I knew when he went back to Mexico he would. I dont know why that bothers me. I havent seen him in almost 3 years. I am a little sad over it and I cant stand it!
I am bored and wasting time. Waiting for the Big F you from this job is killing me.
I am going to my first ever NA meeting tomorrow.
I am scared as hell to go. But I am going to give it a try.
I have to give it a shot.
I am so nervous about it. Thank God my cousin lives 2 blocks from it. So I can stop by there after.
I said a few times before I was going but didnt. But tomorrow I AM going!!
I dont know what else to do.
I hate feeling depressed. This is not me. Even tho I am an addict. I always tried to stay happy for the most part and find the lighter side of anything. But I just cant do it right now. Commercials and tv shows are making me cry at the drop of a hat.
it's so stupid.
This is the closeset thing to satisfaction of venting I have right now. Althoug I would like a F2F friend o talk to. This has been my salvation. I dont know what I would do without this board and all of you.

stone

((((Trish))))

At NA you can make some new clean friends Chi. I feel lonely a LOT of the time but there is always someone I can phone and I like the company at meetings. Make sure you go!
I spent the last 6 months on this forum saying I wouldnt do AA, I am glad I changed my mind, or actually vodka changed my mind for me. I was beat like you, it's the best thing that can happen to us...

Missymae737

Yes Trish,

Get to as many meetings as you can. When I go I alwwwways have a serene sense of well being, a sense of belonging...No matter how down and out I feel i always feel better going to a meeting. Fellowship is so important...It is one of the keys to sobriety.

Love you and thinking of you...
Marian

Aysha

They only have meetings on Mondays by me. And it is in the next town. Gas is a big issue. But not tomorrow. I am going if I gotta roll in there in my PJ's.
I just gotta figure out how to get that rental back without giving in again to renew it.
I wanted to the other day but when someone throws a sixteenth in your lap its hard to say no.
I dont want that car in my name anymore. It's just another reason to keep getting high. And if he gets caught it is my ass and my insurance.
Good Lord I am such a dumbass.

Anna

Chi, I think what you're finding is that addiction is progressive. It doesn't stay at the same place and keeps getting worse and worse unless we stop it. I am glad you're taking positive steps to take care of yourself.

BaldHeadedJohn

Chi;
Hang in there, girl!
Get to that meeting. Get some phone numbers and use them. You've GOT to get rid of those anchors that want to drag you down.

We care about you, hun!

Blessings to you.

BHJ

CarolD

Good plan...
N/A meetings won't kill you
and they can be your salvation.

I can no longer drive...so today
I called another AA member to go at 11.

24 Miracles... walking ... talking ... laughing members unattended.

6 of us had lunch and we continued to
share our lives and talked AA 'tips'
as 3 had less than 6 months.

That is called a "meeting after the meeting"
I highly recommend this action.

Sooo...then my friend offered to take me
to shop if I needed to.

We come back here...
more 1 on 1 conversation about families.

That is the point of AA fellowship
Each one...Help one.

I'm so pleased to know you will go!

scaredykat

Chi i know exactly how your feeling. Tomorrow I'm going to an AA meeting. Sure I'm nervous. I've been in and out of the rooms for years.

Anna is right. It is progressive. My depression has gotten worse because of my drinking. I've been on the pity pot for too long. I can't work at all any more because of my arm. I was so depressed and felt sorry for my self. I felt like a burden to my husband. My drinking made me a prisoner in my own home. I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything.

This forum helped turn on my light bulb in my head. I know it's going to be hard but I'm going to do it anyway. I keep thinking about how happy I was all those years ago when I had almost two years of sobriety. I had lots of sober friends and most of all I was starting to get happy with myself and having peace of mind. That's what I want again. To live life. Take care. Don't give up.

Barb

Alive

boy, do i know what it feels like..i got my heart jumping and i spend the day thinking: am i gonna be alright..but it's all we can do, move on...even tough if there are depressing moments in recovery, the difference is hope..hope is part of recovery, and it always gets better...for every minute you're clean, it gets better...there might be issues, but they were already there, so it does get better... and hope is your free blessing....it's always there..i think i eat hope nowadays....

take care, my friend

Rowan

Trish,

It was like the words in your post were highlighted in gold:

I am going to my first ever NA meeting tomorrow.

You mentioned there are only NA meetings on Monday - find AA meetings in your area, and go to them too. Many addicts go to AA - there are usually meetings every day, twice a day sometimes. Once a week isn't going to cut it. You've got the time, so use it wisely while you can.

Let us know how it goes

Aysha

I'm really scared to go to AA.
I heard they dont like NA in their meetings.
Last thing I need is someone to say the wrong thing to me.
I have been over confrontational lately. Especially when I am looking for help and people talk down to me.
Which happened at the hospital last Sunday.
I was up 6 days and on the verge of a breakdown when I went there.
And one of the nurses was a real inconsiderate Bitch.
Of course being up 6 days your muscles are going to have a mind of their own. My legs go a mile a minute when I have been p that long. And she thought because I was falling in and out of consciousness that I wouldnt catch her smart ass remarks.
But I did and I lost and she looked shocked and I did everything but kick her ass. Once again mad security to calm me down and they shot me up with who knows what to calm me down. I thought that was pretty messed up that a nurse of all people would say things like that when I was obviously in distress.

Rowan

Some oldtimers in AA don't like anything but alcohol to be discussed in meetings. So it wouldn't be cool to sit and talk about the last time you smoked.
Identify yourself as an alcoholic/addict, and if you are struggling, say so. You don't need to talk about crack.
It's okay to share in a general way. Even better to just listen.
I know you're confrontational - heh heh - I've kind of noticed
I walked out of a meeting early on because of what someone said to me.
I won't do that again. They can say what I want, but that's my seat.
Try not to get ahead of yourself, or come up with reasons why you can't go to AA.
Just go. Then decide

Missymae737

Well, I am dual addicted to drugs and alcohol. No one in AA has ever made me feel out of the way...

I can remember being very angry at detox and certain early periods of sobriety during my lifetime. I understand you because your propbably like me. We never learned how to express anger in a healthy way. I remember one time in rehab because the staff wouldn't take me to the hospital to take my cast off my wrist, I shocked everyone. My cast was itching the hell out of me and hurt. I went out to the courtyard and pryed my cast off using a picnic table. Guess what I was nicknamed? CASTOFF. My peers clapped and the nurses were stunned...This was outright anger...I am still learning how to express it today ...

You will be ok, just keep going to meetings with an open mind and keep posting here.
Love
Marian

Aysha

Yea..Thats another thing. I have bad anger issues. I can not be calm when angry. I have to cuss someone out or knock them out to feel better. I have a real hard time walking away. I was like that before drugs. Even when I was little.
I dont like being that way.
And keeping my mouth shut to begin with is a task in its self.
I have a big mouth and I aint afraid to use it.
So bad. I always get told my mouth is going to get me in trouble.
I have been working on it really hard tho. Theres a few times I wanted to explode and didnt. I felt like my head was going to blow up. But I held it in.
I guess we learn in time.
I really hate being like that tho. My name Vata Loca. Chiyna Loca. People think I am crazy.
I'm really a nice quiet person in reality. Shy sometimes even. But when I get angry. Boy it's like a different person.
And what I hate most about it is I get violent. And that is never good.
I need to learn alot of self control.
I need some friends. Being isolated really sux. I need some sober friends. Ones that can relate to me.

I am still going to be me for the most part. Just without the drugs.
i dont know..I just need to kick these drugs.
And Thurs I have court and Fri I gotta get something done with that rental. Thats whats going to F me up.

Rowan

Stay in today. Go to the meeting tomorrow. When Friday comes, you can deal with what you need to.
Don't use, just for today.

Iforgot

I cant say that I know exactly how you feel of course but I have gone through periods of deep depression also. Sometimes it seems like it will never end but it does. Just take it one day at a time. Congratulations on your first meeting. And big hugs too you.

Solitaire

Lots of addicts in the AA meetings I go to, and I can't imagine anyone making you feel unwelcome. And if they do, shame on them.

BaldHeadedJohn

Several people I know of introduce themselves only as 'addicts'. As far as I know, no one's ever said anything bad. They're made to feel as welcome as anyone else. Even though AA is about alcohol (hence the first A), every addict or recovering addict is welcome to love and support.

Khrobin

I know exactly how you feel!! When i first moved here a few years back I was the same way...Im always very optamistic, and NEVER cry!! crying is for wusses...but yeah, anywayz, I first moved here i had a yearning for a friend also..started meeting a few people at my job, they did nothing but get me in trobule, and fill me full of regrets...got another job, got quite a few good friends now, not all of them are sober though...but all good peeps, who dont party too hard like I used too. I never want to date anyone at work, so i finally, against my own wishes even...used the internet to find someone. It worked well find a casino or something to do your first meeting at, public place, but now im in a wonderfull relationship, and have a decent group of friends to hang with took me a little over 2 years to do it though, but its worth it!!! Good luck to ya

Misscat

I think crying can sometimes be so healthy...you are finally letting go.