I'm faking it hoping to make it....in a weird way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 52
I'm faking it hoping to make it....in a weird way
When I first found this site, I was so relieved to realize how most of the craziness I was experiencing most of you had been through. I felt crazy until then. My husband was actively using then.
Since, he went to rehab and has been clean about 60-70 days I think. But I also found out he had been cheating on me and lying to me daily.
We were trying to both work our programs and "see what happens" leaving a window open for reconciliation. But then I found out he had declared his love to a 16 year old girl. He also told me he didn't love me but he once loved me and could grow to love me again maybe. (I still love him.) And mostly admitted, he only wanted to stay married to me for the children. Well....that isn't enough for me. I don't want a half marriage or a shell of a marriage. I don't want a 40 year old husband who does me a favor by giving up his inappriopriate relationship with a 16 year old to be stuck in a marriage with me because he is such a martyr to do the right thing for the kids. So...I told him I want to go ahead and get the divorce.
There is plenty of me that is jello inside and can be swayed by his charm, being sentimental or just that desire to be with him just to keep him from being with other womyn. These are weaknesses and not I will not succumb to them.
So even though I don't fully believe the words coming out of my mouth when I talk to him and seem so unemotional, I choose to pretend I do it and fake it just a bit.
I don't see how anyone would want to accept his lavish proposal of staying married to him and feel good about themselves at all.
Since, he went to rehab and has been clean about 60-70 days I think. But I also found out he had been cheating on me and lying to me daily.
We were trying to both work our programs and "see what happens" leaving a window open for reconciliation. But then I found out he had declared his love to a 16 year old girl. He also told me he didn't love me but he once loved me and could grow to love me again maybe. (I still love him.) And mostly admitted, he only wanted to stay married to me for the children. Well....that isn't enough for me. I don't want a half marriage or a shell of a marriage. I don't want a 40 year old husband who does me a favor by giving up his inappriopriate relationship with a 16 year old to be stuck in a marriage with me because he is such a martyr to do the right thing for the kids. So...I told him I want to go ahead and get the divorce.
There is plenty of me that is jello inside and can be swayed by his charm, being sentimental or just that desire to be with him just to keep him from being with other womyn. These are weaknesses and not I will not succumb to them.
So even though I don't fully believe the words coming out of my mouth when I talk to him and seem so unemotional, I choose to pretend I do it and fake it just a bit.
I don't see how anyone would want to accept his lavish proposal of staying married to him and feel good about themselves at all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
How could you stay with him anyway after pulling that stunt???/ A 16-year old girl??? Oh yeah, like that is going to last. And besides that isn't 16 years old jailbait? Please. Let him dig his own grave. You are SSSSSOOOO better off without him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I don't know the laws where you live, but if they are having relations, in our state that is statuatory rape. Sorry you are going through this, but your husband probably has the maturity of a 16 year old. Happens a lot with addicts. Emotionally they stop growing at the age they started using. Please take care of yourself. He needs to have some consequences and if he keeps doing what he is doing he will. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
that is statuatory rape here in my state.i believe it is anywhere in the u.s.a.....you sure do not need him, you should not even want him.you deserve so much better.i am so sorry you are going thru this.i can not tell you to divioce him ,you know what need to do.my prayer are for u. hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Book....
You've got the right idea. Fake it until you make it....thats exactly what I had to do where my exah is concerned. It gets easier with time and practice and eventually, you won't have to fake it...it will just come naturally (well, most days, anyway). I promise. Addiction destroys trust. Adultry destroys trust. Adultry with a 16 year old girl??? Well...thats just off the charts.
Marle is right. Your AH probably is 16 years old emotionally. My exah, age 41, has the coping skills of a 14 year old.
Stay strong. Do whats best for YOU and know that his behavior is NOT a reflection on you or your kids...its just the by-product of addiction.
Hugs...
You've got the right idea. Fake it until you make it....thats exactly what I had to do where my exah is concerned. It gets easier with time and practice and eventually, you won't have to fake it...it will just come naturally (well, most days, anyway). I promise. Addiction destroys trust. Adultry destroys trust. Adultry with a 16 year old girl??? Well...thats just off the charts.
Marle is right. Your AH probably is 16 years old emotionally. My exah, age 41, has the coping skills of a 14 year old.
Stay strong. Do whats best for YOU and know that his behavior is NOT a reflection on you or your kids...its just the by-product of addiction.
Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Good for you, book.
You don't have to believe it 100% right now. Just say it, and do it, because your brain is trying to save you from your heart. And your heart is trying to convince you that you "love" a man who is a cheater, a liar, a drug addict, and a selfish self-centered immature ego-on-legs who has shown almost no regard for your needs & feelings throughout all of this. It's ALWAYS been about him. This is love?
And if you truly believe it is, then remember this from Robert Heinlein:
"The more you love, the more you CAN love--and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could Love all of the majority who are decent and just."
There is something lovable in nearly everyone out there - that doesn't mean you have to wrap your life around them all. You pick and choose.
Time for you to invest your time in loving somebody who deserves you. This one will continue to drink your blood for as long as you let him. And he just makes a GREAT role model for the kids....
.
Hugs,
GL
You don't have to believe it 100% right now. Just say it, and do it, because your brain is trying to save you from your heart. And your heart is trying to convince you that you "love" a man who is a cheater, a liar, a drug addict, and a selfish self-centered immature ego-on-legs who has shown almost no regard for your needs & feelings throughout all of this. It's ALWAYS been about him. This is love?
And if you truly believe it is, then remember this from Robert Heinlein:
"The more you love, the more you CAN love--and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could Love all of the majority who are decent and just."
There is something lovable in nearly everyone out there - that doesn't mean you have to wrap your life around them all. You pick and choose.
Time for you to invest your time in loving somebody who deserves you. This one will continue to drink your blood for as long as you let him. And he just makes a GREAT role model for the kids....
.Hugs,
GL
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((book))
He is what he is book. Nothing can change that but him. You were even willing to accept him for what he is, warts and all. You have not lost in all of this, he has. He's lost a wonderful woman that gave her heart and soul, the mother to his children, his best friend. I applaud your stregnth and your faith and your ability to carry on and live your life with your head held high. I know how hard the whole thing is, especially after getting that punch in the gut that takes your very breath away. If faking it helps you in any way, then do it girl. Know that you deserve so much more. Give yourself the credit that you deserve.
Hugs and Prayers
B
He is what he is book. Nothing can change that but him. You were even willing to accept him for what he is, warts and all. You have not lost in all of this, he has. He's lost a wonderful woman that gave her heart and soul, the mother to his children, his best friend. I applaud your stregnth and your faith and your ability to carry on and live your life with your head held high. I know how hard the whole thing is, especially after getting that punch in the gut that takes your very breath away. If faking it helps you in any way, then do it girl. Know that you deserve so much more. Give yourself the credit that you deserve.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
You have not lost in all of this, he has. He's lost a wonderful woman that gave her heart and soul, the mother to his children, his best friend. I applaud your stregnth and your faith and your ability to carry on and live your life with your head held high.
Beautifully stated...I completely agree.
Sustituting addictions is pretty common in early recovery...sounds like he has done so...Doing so with a 16 year old is pretty hard to comprehend though. I can certainly understand that there is no trust and his "proposal" is bizarre. I'm so glad you love yourself enough to see this. Fake it til you make it is a good approach. You deserve so much more! Hugs.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Just say it, and do it, because your brain is trying to save you from your heart. And your heart is trying to convince you that you "love" a man who is a cheater, a liar, a drug addict, and a selfish self-centered immature ego-on-legs who has shown almost no regard for your needs & feelings throughout all of this. It's ALWAYS been about him. This is love?
GL
GL
You deserve a man who you can trust. Even if he stayed with you AND gave up the (underage) GF, who is to say he would not cheat again with someone else?
My experience is that once they get a taste of cheating they never stop.
Your choices. I have done a lot of fake it until I make it too.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Book,
Life is tough, isn't it? But one thing I learned from my divorce is that even though I wanted to keep the relationship as a friend, his idiotic behavior made it easier and easier to walk away. My ex had a relationship with a 21 year old boy! yeah, that's sick alright. The more I found out, the more I was glad that I was free...free, free. Now I am my own person, and i am happy. It's been three years. It takes time, but it will get better.
krhea
Life is tough, isn't it? But one thing I learned from my divorce is that even though I wanted to keep the relationship as a friend, his idiotic behavior made it easier and easier to walk away. My ex had a relationship with a 21 year old boy! yeah, that's sick alright. The more I found out, the more I was glad that I was free...free, free. Now I am my own person, and i am happy. It's been three years. It takes time, but it will get better.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I can confirm that a 16 yo is not of legal age in TN, but sadly it is in many states, see link:
http://www.coolnurse.com/consent.htm
Did he actually sleep with her or as you put it "declared his love for her"?
Both are equally sick, IMO, however only one is punishable by law.
In any case do whats right for you - move on and never look back.
http://www.coolnurse.com/consent.htm
Did he actually sleep with her or as you put it "declared his love for her"?
Both are equally sick, IMO, however only one is punishable by law.
In any case do whats right for you - move on and never look back.
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