rebels.girl

Yeah, so I go between thinking I can't handle this anymore, and thinking, "geez, suck it up, princess." I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I really don't have things too bad. We have a roof over our heads, beds to sleep in, food on the table, a car to drive, etc. No, the bills don't get paid on time, although there always seems to be money for beer and cigarettes. Yeah, he belittles me sometimes when he's drinking, but don't I bring it on with my nagging? I don't think he really starts anything. I mean, he gets in little digs sometimes, but it's me that always seems to start the real fights. It just gets so damn frustrating sometimes. Then I step back and think, "wait a minute - it's not nagging. I'm trying to keep him safe. If I don't want him to drink and drive, that's not nagging, that's looking out for him." I just can't help thinking that maybe it's worth sticking it out for the good times. I've got a 7 year old son, though. It's him that I'm concerned about more than myself. I don't want him thinking it's normal to drink every day. My dad drank a lot when I was younger (he quit when I was still a kid) and I still remember it not being a great environment to grow up in sometimes (Mom having to bundle us up and pick him up because he was too drunk to drive home, his quick temper, Mom hiding booze in the washing machine, etc, etc)

Tonight he's apparently decided not to come home after work (it's after 11 pm), and he turned off his cell phone early in the day so I couldn't call him. <sarcasm> It's so good to know I could get a hold of him if I needed to. </sarcasm> You know, at another time I would have hopped in the car long ago and frantically drove around to anywhere where I thought he might be to track him down. I just don't have the energy anymore. I'm sick of groveling and trying to appease him so everything will be all better. He drinks, but he doesn't have a problem with it, so everything becomes my problem, you know? But then again, it's not so bad. Like he says, he doesn't hit me. He holds down a job. He comes home most of the time. I think the last time he stayed out because he was pissed off at me was sometime this spring.

I just want the guy I fell in love with, that I'm still in love with. Sometimes it feels like I'm living with a stranger. I think maybe I'm on the road to accepting that he's not going to change for me, but I'm not sure I'll ever fully accept it. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop clinging to that hope.

denny57

I see it as you have a husband who drinks every day, doesn't hit you, holds down a job and occasionally doesn't come home. Oh, and turns off the cell phone so he controls when you can reach him or not. You're the only one who can say if this is the marriage you want for yourself. Why hope someone else will change if I can't change myself?

((()))

raerae6

Hi Rebel's girl. Welcome to SR!
In answer to your question-why can't I just suck it up? There must be something terribly wrong or else you wouldn't have found yourself here.

Maybe there are good things about the relationship. There usually are some good things no matter how bad everything else is. I usually don't post over here much, because my ex bf was a crackhead, but he also drank and smoked weed constantly. Like yours, my ex did not hit me either, well not at first anyway, until I confronted him more and more about what was going on.

He had a lot of good qualities, too. But in the end the bad out weighed the good.

If your ah is driving drunk he could kill himself OR kill someone else. as a child of alcoholic parent you know what that is like. Do you want that life for your kid?

Alcoholism is progressive. It may only get worse. Addicts usually will not change for their wives or kids, they have to want to change for themselves first. My addict used to turn off the phone too, and I used to try and find him, too.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

For me there came a time when I realized that things may never change.

Have you tried an al-anon meeting?

Keep posting, there is lots of support here.

hugs, Lisa

prodigal

Speaking from my own personal experience, I no longer "suck it up" because that was my way of minimizing just how bad things had really become. It was a denial mechanism that worked to keep me steeped in my own frustration, anger, and annoyance. All of that equals victim.

Of course you don't have the energy anymore. You are expending a great deal of it trying to keep a sinking ship afloat. You are trying to say things ain't all that bad (regardless of whether your own needs are getting met or not) so you don't have to take the risk and step out to find out what things are like on the other side. They ARE better.

For now, I'd strongly suggest that you get to the nearest Al-Anon meeting ASAP. Maybe it's time to quit accepting less than you really want and learn to really, truly believe deep in your heart that you deserve better. Go to Al-Anon for awhile, learn about yourself, start deciding what is acceptable to you that will give you a sense of peace and serenity.

Sucking up = survival. Life is worth more than survival. You life, and that of your child, is worth more than surviving. And if you think it isn't that bad, just wait until his disease progresses. I've lived through it and, yes, IT WILL get worse.

embraced2000

why can't i suck it up???? because there are appropriate times to suck it up, and there are very dysfunctional times that can make me very, very, sick from sucking up too much crap.

after i had my gut real full, and my mind was left with cobwebs, i sought help. al-anon was the first place i after i reached the point that i thought i was losing my mind.

WantsOut

"sucking it up" is for suckers

I decided I wasn't a sucker anymore.

I'm so happy being free now. I can't tell you how wonderful it is not to worry about dwi, beer cans, having a snoring drunk on my couch at 4 PM on a Saturday (guess we're not going out), or watching a man slowly kill himself.

I will never be a sucker again.

Heavenlyx3

I sucked it up for a long time. I even had my parents telling me to suck it up. Heaven forbid there be a divorce. So, I went through the suck it up phase, then the sad, my life is miserable, poor me phase and then along came the mad, I hate you phase. Now I don't care which for me is the path to the ending of my greiving process and for him the scarest phase of them all. It's a long process saying goodbye to a dream that can't be. There are for sure new dreams to dream though.

classysista

you have takin the frist step by venting here and letting it all out... there is a release in that alone..

al anon is a great idea i myself just stared it as well, and am making progress i no longer focous on his recovery i focous on mine., from co dependecy

i highly recommend you read "co dependency no more by melodie beattie if you havent already.. it will def open ur eyes and show u your not a sucker! your not crazy as the addict tries to convinces us.. and ur def NOT ALONE..


God bless you dear i pray God will protect u and ur son and give you wisdom and guides u to the next step

love classy.

WhatAboutME

I used to "suck it up". For many years I sucked it up. I won't do it anymore. I deserve better and should not have to settle by "sucking it up". As far as I'm concerned right now, my AH can just suck it!

guineapigjude

I think it's great that you are asking the questions! Some of us go around with the denial blinders on and get the rug pulled out from underneath us!
You're in the right place, both mentally AND here at SR. Definitely read Codependent No More as Classy recommended. Then decide what's best for you.

hadenoughnow

I have actually said this to my recovering AH, it didn't go over really well but like I told him "if you don't like it there's the door"

sunshinebluesky

this topic is most interesting to me. as a 53 year old,who has been in and out of relationships my whole life because i am one,who cant seem to just suck it up.
i think it is a personal thing...a personality thing....the way we are built. over the years i have learned that i dont judge anymore when someone decides to stay (as long as abuse and safety arent issues-that i will never condone or understand). at the same time,i shouldnt be judged for NOT staying.
you have to decide what is important to YOU in any relationship. what are YOUR absolute deal breakers? what are you willing to tolerate,to compromise on,without it affecting your day to day contentment? seriously soul search the things you CANT live WITH. to me that has become more important than the withouts.

sb0804

I used to think why cant I just suck it up but not anymore. I was in the suck it up/rescuer phase for a LONG time and after starting meetings and registering here I realized that I am not the one who has felt the way we do and I wont suck it up anymore.

It is hard at first detaching yourself from their problem but you need to for your own mental and physical well being.

minnie

Sucking it up seems somewhat akin to settling to me. Is what you have enough to look back when you are 70 on your rocker on the porch and say "I made the most of my life"? If so, great. If not, then perhaps it's not good for your soul to live how you are. That doesn't mean you have to leave, but you can change your own life whilst being married.

Just out of interest, do you work outside the home?

Mr. Christian

Suck it up?
Maybe it just, well.. sucks.
The line saying it’s just not really that bad was striking. Wow, you be willing to accept some bad behavior here that not just for you but for your son.
I’m sorry to be blunt ,but I guess if your happy and it were not toxic you would not be here.


Ask yourself this.

“Is this the life and example of normal that you want for your child?”

If it is, then there is no problem.

Sav

I can tell you from experience that nagging never gets you anywhere. It took me a while to realize this. I'm a "nagger (or was))" and all it does is create frustration and tension.
I totally know where you're coming from. You REALLY want him to do (insert here), but you're afraid to say it, because you KNOW he probably won't. So it just builds up and you start feeling hostile...and you start dropping **"hints" and making "suggestions"... and finally you have a huge fight over it. And somehow in the end, because you were "nagging", it becomes (according to them) "your fault".

One of the hardest things I've had to learn is that you can't "make" someone do something. You tell them "I'd really like it if you do this", and hope they do. If they don't do it, you have to live with it. If you can't...well...

CE Girl

Hi Rebel Girl,,,,Welcome to SR,,

And yes, when I came here I wondered why I couldn't just "suck it up" and allow my A to continue his drinking. After all, we were so in love and he put up with a lot from me.

Like ummmmmmmmmmmm,,,,,
And,,ummmmmmmmm
Oh but then there was the time,,,ummmmmmmm

Sorry, but I can't think of ONE THING I did to him, that would justify him belittling me,,,he,he,he

I liked your sarcasm, I thought you'd appreciate mine,,,lol

I came here to SR "anonomysly" to see if I should just "suck it up" . Imagine my surprise when I found I should probably educate myself first. OMG, I could not READ enough. I spent a month, not even registered reading all kinds of threads, both from F+F and alcholics.

When I started posting, I was still not TOTALLY convinced, I should just suck it up. What was recommended? MORE READING. I got a library of books now. My fav? "Getting them Sober"

Oh, and I go to al anon. If you woulda told me 6 months ago, I would be going to that, I woulda told ya you were a whack-a-doo!!

But it all started with the same question,,

"Why can't I just suck it up"

Peace