The Big Secret
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
The Big Secret
Today's my day to vent!
Don't know about you but I'm tired of keeping the big secret. It's the biggest of my AW's pet peeves. She always wants to "know who knows" about her alcoholism. I know it's a control issue but it sure is difficult to remember who you told what and when. She really is obsessed with it. It also is exhausting to keep the "secret". Some people have know business in knowing and that is easy, but it's the neighbor who comments that they "never see her car anymore"? Or the friends you make because your kids are friends mention that "how come your wife doesn't come to your son's ball games anymore".
Today happens to be my assistant, from work, couples wedding shower and I had to cancel. I can only show up at so many work related events without my wife before it starts to appear rude. Work is the worst...I truly feel like I am leading a double life. My two boys just cringe when someone asks where their Mom is? The older one (17) has told two people in the last month that "my Mom has her own apartment now". I am proud of him. He doesn't want to hold on to the secret anymore!
Thanks for letting me vent!
Don't know about you but I'm tired of keeping the big secret. It's the biggest of my AW's pet peeves. She always wants to "know who knows" about her alcoholism. I know it's a control issue but it sure is difficult to remember who you told what and when. She really is obsessed with it. It also is exhausting to keep the "secret". Some people have know business in knowing and that is easy, but it's the neighbor who comments that they "never see her car anymore"? Or the friends you make because your kids are friends mention that "how come your wife doesn't come to your son's ball games anymore".
Today happens to be my assistant, from work, couples wedding shower and I had to cancel. I can only show up at so many work related events without my wife before it starts to appear rude. Work is the worst...I truly feel like I am leading a double life. My two boys just cringe when someone asks where their Mom is? The older one (17) has told two people in the last month that "my Mom has her own apartment now". I am proud of him. He doesn't want to hold on to the secret anymore!
Thanks for letting me vent!
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
oh i can sooo relate .. ah was in rehab 5 times in the past 14 months .. sorry but the neighbors notice when the car is missing and when I delivered a baby and he was nowhere around . Its kinda hard to cover for him when he misses something so major like the birth of his child .
I always tried to cover for him because of the fact that aa is anonymus and I figured it was his business to tell . Im not so sure I feel that way anymore . Its my business too and if I need to let people know what my family is going through then Im going to do it .. Just my $.05!
I always tried to cover for him because of the fact that aa is anonymus and I figured it was his business to tell . Im not so sure I feel that way anymore . Its my business too and if I need to let people know what my family is going through then Im going to do it .. Just my $.05!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I was there
We were going to visit his family (including his mother and his 3 girls) 4 states away. Our best friends live there too. They invited us for dinner and drinks. I told my best friend, who told her husband (A's best friend). Thought they might keep it in confidence, but when they didn't offer the booze, AH asked and his friend told him he knew.
Oh my goodness. AH blew his lid at me and treated me like dirt in front of his entire family the entire week. His mother said, "You really shouldn't have told his friend". His family, who he taught to hate me anyway, used the event to double their hostility towards me. Luckily, we were staying at a hotel (as I always insist) while visiting, so I had some breaks.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have said a thing. I should have let him tie one on, and then simply loaded up the car with the kids and left him there. That was then, this is now. Now, he drinks, he's on his own. His kids are jerks, they can get out of the house. His mother is walking a very thin line and I'm currently not speaking to her. I will be civil, but I have a long way to go in Al-Anon before I'll be able to keep from getting too riled when I see here again.
But yeah, I love how it's ASSUMED we'll keep the big SECRET. Who benefits from that????? Certainly not me. A sure does. Secret is out and I'm glad. His oldest is a bartender. She insisted that I was making his problem up. Everytime he visited up there alone, she'd take him out drinking. Dumb twit was dying to prove me wrong. So the next time he got up at 2am and started drinking in the middle of the night, I called her the next morning. He was sobbing. He was so drunk he couldn't even speak. I asked her who she knew that was ripped drunk at 9am on a Sunday morning.
She's 24 and has her own setup to make martini's at home. She drinks like a fish. Her younger sister's claim she has a problem. Hmmmm, she just graduated with her BS in psychology. And she never thought she might be a candidate for alcoholism? Denial must be nice.
Oh my goodness. AH blew his lid at me and treated me like dirt in front of his entire family the entire week. His mother said, "You really shouldn't have told his friend". His family, who he taught to hate me anyway, used the event to double their hostility towards me. Luckily, we were staying at a hotel (as I always insist) while visiting, so I had some breaks.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have said a thing. I should have let him tie one on, and then simply loaded up the car with the kids and left him there. That was then, this is now. Now, he drinks, he's on his own. His kids are jerks, they can get out of the house. His mother is walking a very thin line and I'm currently not speaking to her. I will be civil, but I have a long way to go in Al-Anon before I'll be able to keep from getting too riled when I see here again.
But yeah, I love how it's ASSUMED we'll keep the big SECRET. Who benefits from that????? Certainly not me. A sure does. Secret is out and I'm glad. His oldest is a bartender. She insisted that I was making his problem up. Everytime he visited up there alone, she'd take him out drinking. Dumb twit was dying to prove me wrong. So the next time he got up at 2am and started drinking in the middle of the night, I called her the next morning. He was sobbing. He was so drunk he couldn't even speak. I asked her who she knew that was ripped drunk at 9am on a Sunday morning.
She's 24 and has her own setup to make martini's at home. She drinks like a fish. Her younger sister's claim she has a problem. Hmmmm, she just graduated with her BS in psychology. And she never thought she might be a candidate for alcoholism? Denial must be nice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
When my Ahusband was still functioning somewhat normally, it was easier to keep his secret as I knew some people would always pass judgment unfairly affecting our children if they knew. As his condition grew more out of control, it became necessary to let those closest to us know the reason for all the strange behavior in our family's life. It was a relief to finally let those closest to us know .. but unfortunately some of our relatives eventually used that information against us -and isolated us...so unfair considering our family was in such as state of turmoil and pain and when we needed support the most, we didn't get it. So many people simply do not understand the true complex nature of alcoholism and think there should be some quick fix to make it go away ...which is rarely the case with alcoholism.. especially when a marriage and children are involved.
My sons eventually let those closest to them know why their dad wasn't around that much ... but only those they felt they could trust - to others they simply said their dad had problems and couldn't live with us. My kids could finally have friends over for the first time in years once my husband didn't live with us anymore as there was no longer a fear when the next insane rambling outburst would occur. To this day, I find such peace when my kids have their friends over and know our house is finally a safe and comfortable place to entertain their friends after so many years of turmoil. Alcoholism impacts families in so many sad and disruptive ways.
Glad you have found SR.. it is a great place filled with people that understand what you are going through.
My sons eventually let those closest to them know why their dad wasn't around that much ... but only those they felt they could trust - to others they simply said their dad had problems and couldn't live with us. My kids could finally have friends over for the first time in years once my husband didn't live with us anymore as there was no longer a fear when the next insane rambling outburst would occur. To this day, I find such peace when my kids have their friends over and know our house is finally a safe and comfortable place to entertain their friends after so many years of turmoil. Alcoholism impacts families in so many sad and disruptive ways.
Glad you have found SR.. it is a great place filled with people that understand what you are going through.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
When someone asks what is wrong with my H I say: "why don't you ask him"...I also tell him that the person asked what is wrong with him...
I am not keeping any secrets but, I am not going out of my way to tell them either. If others notice his behavior that is on him...
I am not keeping any secrets but, I am not going out of my way to tell them either. If others notice his behavior that is on him...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
keeping secrets (other than surprise birthday parties, etc) are very unhealthy.
trust me, the whole time i was keeping secrets about my xh alcoholism and behaviors, everyone knew anyway.
we married twice, divorced twice. had about 25 seperations, police called all the time.......name in the paper all the time.
there came a time i just stopped trying to cover anything. things got better then.
by this time, everyone was looking at me, wondering how sick i was, too.
when i stopped trying to keep secrets, i felt cleansed.....i had nothing left to hide. it felt wonderful.
school counselor could help tremendously with your childrens ability to handle questions about their mothers absence.
best of everything to you'
jeri
trust me, the whole time i was keeping secrets about my xh alcoholism and behaviors, everyone knew anyway.
we married twice, divorced twice. had about 25 seperations, police called all the time.......name in the paper all the time.
there came a time i just stopped trying to cover anything. things got better then.
by this time, everyone was looking at me, wondering how sick i was, too.
when i stopped trying to keep secrets, i felt cleansed.....i had nothing left to hide. it felt wonderful.
school counselor could help tremendously with your childrens ability to handle questions about their mothers absence.
best of everything to you'
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by LGLG07 
I always tried to cover for him because of the fact that aa is anonymus and I figured it was his business to tell .
The girl with the broken smile
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Richmond, VA.
Posts: 42
I remember the moment I stopped keeping his secret. The night my Father drank to much and fell, hit his head and was never the same again. I knew I had my hands full and I was done. I called his parents from the hospital (he was to drunk to be there with me) told them exactly what was what and have not covered for him since. At first I felt alot of embarrassment but I was able to get past that with the help of therapy (still see 2 Dr.'s). Today, my 3 children and myself feel no shame nad do not cover. I'm honest with them about the situation and they know they can talk to me about anything at anytime. They can talk to his parents and their councelor.
We're going to make it!
We're going to make it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there LGLG 
You are correct in that _AA_ is anonymous. That does _not_ mean that you have to allow harm to yourself for _any_ reason.
AA is anonymous means that the _program_ of AA does not use the names of it's members. That does _not_ mean that and individual drunk tries to hide the fact that he or she is a drunk. The _purpose_ of anoymity is to protect the good name of _AA_ from the shameful behavior of some of the people that show up at meetings. It also means that the members of AA are not allowed to use their name to advance their own personal business, career, reputation, etc.
Under _no_ circumstance is the anonymity of AA to be used to cause anybody any kind of harm, and that includes you. If he is not around when you need assistance with your kids, or you are having a child, or you feel lonely, or for whatever reason, AA will _not_ interfere in any decision you make with asking for help.
You are absolutely right. AA fully supports family members seeking help. There are _two_ entire chapters in the AA Big Book all about that. (Chapters 8 and 9, Third edition, starting on page 104)
Mike
Originally Posted by LGLG07
...I always tried to cover for him because of the fact that aa is anonymus ...
AA is anonymous means that the _program_ of AA does not use the names of it's members. That does _not_ mean that and individual drunk tries to hide the fact that he or she is a drunk. The _purpose_ of anoymity is to protect the good name of _AA_ from the shameful behavior of some of the people that show up at meetings. It also means that the members of AA are not allowed to use their name to advance their own personal business, career, reputation, etc.
Under _no_ circumstance is the anonymity of AA to be used to cause anybody any kind of harm, and that includes you. If he is not around when you need assistance with your kids, or you are having a child, or you feel lonely, or for whatever reason, AA will _not_ interfere in any decision you make with asking for help.
Originally Posted by LGLG07
... Its my business too and if I need to let people know what my family is going through then Im going to do it .. Just my $.05!
Mike
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Embraced, you are so right! I went around thinking I was hiding our "secret" covering for XAH, making everything look squeaky clean..and everyone knew anyway.
When people ask why we split, I simply say "He felt I overreacted to his drinking and drug use, and chose to leave". It's the truth ,with no judgement, and people usually will respond with some sort of acknowledgement of his problem, so I know they know. I feel much lighter now that I don't have to carry the weight of his problem with me.
When people ask why we split, I simply say "He felt I overreacted to his drinking and drug use, and chose to leave". It's the truth ,with no judgement, and people usually will respond with some sort of acknowledgement of his problem, so I know they know. I feel much lighter now that I don't have to carry the weight of his problem with me.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
My family operates on secrets and I think that is one reason why I felt so comfortable with a drinker. There are no addiction issues in our family, however most family members would do anything but to communicate directly and openly. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to have an aggro-free relationship with my nearest and dearest because I will not play those games any more. Heck, my brother doesn't even know that my Mum tried to commit suicide in 12 years ago, yet was living in the same house. Yet, I know all the details and was living in France at the time! And I know Dad had an affair 20 years ago, yet bro doesn't. It is no wonder we have very different relationships with our parents.
Of course a problem drinker wants their activities to remain a secret - the denial is that much harder to maintain if everyone knows. Which they do, btw. It is very hard to keep most drinking behaviour under wraps. It is the quantity that is not known, rather than the behaviour.
I am at liberty to reveal as much or as little about my life as I wish, as long as I consider the manner in which I share and to whom. And keeping some secrets only maintains the facade and leaves the bottom that much further away. I isolated myself so much in the name of maintaining his secret. Turns out, he just switches people and places whenever they get close to the truth anyway.
Please don't cancel social engagements because your wife can't (or won't) be there. "We are separated for now" should suffice.
Of course a problem drinker wants their activities to remain a secret - the denial is that much harder to maintain if everyone knows. Which they do, btw. It is very hard to keep most drinking behaviour under wraps. It is the quantity that is not known, rather than the behaviour.
I am at liberty to reveal as much or as little about my life as I wish, as long as I consider the manner in which I share and to whom. And keeping some secrets only maintains the facade and leaves the bottom that much further away. I isolated myself so much in the name of maintaining his secret. Turns out, he just switches people and places whenever they get close to the truth anyway.
Please don't cancel social engagements because your wife can't (or won't) be there. "We are separated for now" should suffice.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
You know it’s funny.
People used to think I was the bad guy or kill joy in the relationship.
Always pulling her out early from a club of function.
Not showing up somewhere or place.
When we broke up she told everyone that I never let her have a life or friends when in reality I covered and protected her.
After some time I had people tell me that they never knew what I went through until they dealt with her on her own.
They then saw the big secret.
I think the longer we hide and cover up for them the longer we stay on some denial.
People used to think I was the bad guy or kill joy in the relationship.
Always pulling her out early from a club of function.
Not showing up somewhere or place.
When we broke up she told everyone that I never let her have a life or friends when in reality I covered and protected her.
After some time I had people tell me that they never knew what I went through until they dealt with her on her own.
They then saw the big secret.
I think the longer we hide and cover up for them the longer we stay on some denial.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
And the Alkie thinks no one knows.......
I never covered his arse
If he made a fool of himself, he was left to his own devices to figure out how to live with it
If he was in detox and I was asked where he was, I told whoever was asking. Funny, the reactions. Someone very close to him, feigned "surprise' until I said, "come on Paul, you KNOW he has a problem?!?!?" I think he was relived I was so up front about it, cause he went on to say, "Ya, I hope he gets the help he needs"
I'm up front and honest. My A admits he has a problem. Why shouldn't I? Besides, I had enough to live with, not gonna add lying to it. It goes against my CORE
Just my humble opinion
Peace
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