Sad Mom Needs Support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Home
Posts: 178
Sad Mom Needs Support
I just wrote a long post and lost it! Trying again...
My 20 yo old son is deep into his heroin addiction. He was
doing pretty well for awhile, attending college, and seemed
to be sober.
I was also doing well with my recovery- attending meetings
and working on my detachment.
Things have changed for me recently. After having a cough
that wouldnt quit, I was dianosed with cancer. I have since
gone through many tests, painful medical procedures, and
I have 6 hr chemo treatments every few weeks. this is
curable, but I have a long rough road ahead.
My son is making no attempt to contact me and has not
been calling at all. I feel so hurt and angry about this-
thanks for letting me vent, feeling very hurt and furious!
My 20 yo old son is deep into his heroin addiction. He was
doing pretty well for awhile, attending college, and seemed
to be sober.
I was also doing well with my recovery- attending meetings
and working on my detachment.
Things have changed for me recently. After having a cough
that wouldnt quit, I was dianosed with cancer. I have since
gone through many tests, painful medical procedures, and
I have 6 hr chemo treatments every few weeks. this is
curable, but I have a long rough road ahead.
My son is making no attempt to contact me and has not
been calling at all. I feel so hurt and angry about this-
thanks for letting me vent, feeling very hurt and furious!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Stefanie,
Let me begin by saying that I am glad that your cancer is not bad enough to be lethal, that you are able to be treated for it.
I know that the odds are that he is not contacting you because he is using, but a part of me feels like maybe he would be trying to get money out of you if that was the only issue? Maybe he is partly upset because you have cancer? That might scare him... when I was 18, my grandmother, who was like a second mother to me, got really sick from her alzheimer's and was basically whithering away day by day. I did not have the courage to go see her. It was too painful. I regret it everyday now, but at the time I was doing what I felt like I needed to do.
I realize that your cancer is not killing you, thankfully, but the word "cancer" can be so heavy to those of us who have never experienced it. If he is not contacting you b/c of the cancer, it does not mean he doesn't love you, probably means he is scared.
The other issue is, would it be helping your recovery any for him to be around you right now if he is relapsing?
*hugs and prayers your way*
Let me begin by saying that I am glad that your cancer is not bad enough to be lethal, that you are able to be treated for it.
I know that the odds are that he is not contacting you because he is using, but a part of me feels like maybe he would be trying to get money out of you if that was the only issue? Maybe he is partly upset because you have cancer? That might scare him... when I was 18, my grandmother, who was like a second mother to me, got really sick from her alzheimer's and was basically whithering away day by day. I did not have the courage to go see her. It was too painful. I regret it everyday now, but at the time I was doing what I felt like I needed to do.
I realize that your cancer is not killing you, thankfully, but the word "cancer" can be so heavy to those of us who have never experienced it. If he is not contacting you b/c of the cancer, it does not mean he doesn't love you, probably means he is scared.
The other issue is, would it be helping your recovery any for him to be around you right now if he is relapsing?
*hugs and prayers your way*
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Stefanie
I am sorry for the diagnosis you got. I am grateful that it is curable. Sometimes I think addicts only think about themselves. Maybe that is all your son can handle right now, I don't know. I've also seen addicts deal with their problems by ignoring them. It would be nice for him to give you a call and give you some support. Lord knows you have probably given him plenty of support! Prayers going up for your recovery. Know that all of us here support you and care!
Hugs and love
Terri
I am sorry for the diagnosis you got. I am grateful that it is curable. Sometimes I think addicts only think about themselves. Maybe that is all your son can handle right now, I don't know. I've also seen addicts deal with their problems by ignoring them. It would be nice for him to give you a call and give you some support. Lord knows you have probably given him plenty of support! Prayers going up for your recovery. Know that all of us here support you and care!
Hugs and love
Terri
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sending some prayers your way Stefanie. I know the feelings of hurt our addicts can cause us. My daughter is also using heroin and I know when she is deep in her addiction, I don't have contact either. Hopefully he will find a way to contact you, but it may just add to your stress. Maybe God's way of keeping you out of the drama so that you can heal. Hugs, Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Home
Posts: 178
Thanks everybody. My son is getting money from my exa husband, who is a
huge enabler. He doesnt need any money from me.
this is very hard for me to come to terms with..he cant clean himself up for one day
to come and see me?
I feel so alone with this. I am fighting so hard for my health, and he is destroying
his.
huge enabler. He doesnt need any money from me.
this is very hard for me to come to terms with..he cant clean himself up for one day
to come and see me?
I feel so alone with this. I am fighting so hard for my health, and he is destroying
his.
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
I can't add much to what the others have said, only wanted to tell you that even thought you feel alone, you are not......A lot of us have had to deal with a loved one having been diagnosed with cancer and I can tell you that it is hard to face, even if the prognosis is good......My feelings are that a big part of the reason our loved ones are addicts in the first place is because they cannot face life on life's terms.....If you ignore it and get high the unpleasant things will disappear....the reason I am saying this is because he is not there for you because he cannot....it does not mean he doesn't care, it only means that his addiction is stronger than he is and it is telling him why face the bad stuff when you can block it all out with a fix.....I will be keeping you in my prayers.....
Peace
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2
It sounds so familiar-
I posted here the other day and received some wonderful responses-helpful and caring.
My roommate has cancer. He'd done chemo and radiation, had surgery, now doing 6 months of chemo again, one day in hospital, 3 days wearing a pack, 10 days off and then...yep, doing it again. And, his son is a heroin addict.
Here's what we've learned:
1. If the family you have is not offering the support you need, create your own family. His son is so involved with his addiction he is not there for his dad. Instead, my roomie connects with me, his sister, old friends and new ones. It may not be the Leave-it-to-Beaver ideal "family", but it's working.
2. "Is it manageable?" That's the question they ask all the time at the cancer center. We're doing our best to apply that question to many of the issues surrounding his son (and his other still functioning but using son). We have created ways to "manage" it.
3. Take advantage of every support option your cancer center offers. It has made a world of difference for my roomie. Meetings, support groups, the other "experts"-dieticians, visiting health care etc have made a significant difference.
And lastly, know you've been given a second chance. Your disease can be stopped. While the treatment is far from fun, you've been given a marvelous gift.
ENJOY your life. Embrace the good stuff in it. Detatch from the negatives. Live, as the comercial says, richly.
I hope you find peace and I can tell you this is a marvelous place. Be well. Be happy.
My roommate has cancer. He'd done chemo and radiation, had surgery, now doing 6 months of chemo again, one day in hospital, 3 days wearing a pack, 10 days off and then...yep, doing it again. And, his son is a heroin addict.
Here's what we've learned:
1. If the family you have is not offering the support you need, create your own family. His son is so involved with his addiction he is not there for his dad. Instead, my roomie connects with me, his sister, old friends and new ones. It may not be the Leave-it-to-Beaver ideal "family", but it's working.
2. "Is it manageable?" That's the question they ask all the time at the cancer center. We're doing our best to apply that question to many of the issues surrounding his son (and his other still functioning but using son). We have created ways to "manage" it.
3. Take advantage of every support option your cancer center offers. It has made a world of difference for my roomie. Meetings, support groups, the other "experts"-dieticians, visiting health care etc have made a significant difference.
And lastly, know you've been given a second chance. Your disease can be stopped. While the treatment is far from fun, you've been given a marvelous gift.
ENJOY your life. Embrace the good stuff in it. Detatch from the negatives. Live, as the comercial says, richly.
I hope you find peace and I can tell you this is a marvelous place. Be well. Be happy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so sorry you are going thru all of this with your health problems & with your son.your son i am sure loves you very much but his drug just does not let him show it.that is what the drug does to our loved ones.my addict is my son also & his "crack" comes before anything & anybody.there is nothing you can do for your son, he has got to do it.just take care of yourself & get well.turn him over to your H.P. please let us know how u r. sending prayers for u & him both. hugs,hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Home
Posts: 178
Thanks everyone for your kindness and words of wisdom. You all have given me
such a lift today.
My family and friends have been so supportive, and I have many wonderful
resources at the cancer center, so I have been blessed in many ways.
My son is the only one who hasnt been able to be there for me, and I feel
sad about that.
such a lift today.
My family and friends have been so supportive, and I have many wonderful
resources at the cancer center, so I have been blessed in many ways.
My son is the only one who hasnt been able to be there for me, and I feel
sad about that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Hi STefanie! I am a little late on this but I wanted to say I hope that you get your cancer under control and eventually gone completely. Cancer treatment has come a long way inthe past few years so there is lots of hope for you to get better.
I am sorry about your son, but right now you need to let him go and concentrate on yourself. The mind/body connection is very powerful and what you are thinking can influence your physical state. If you don't meditate already, I highly recommend that you learn to do so byt starting slowly, just 5 minutes at a time, focusing on your breath and nothing else. Then when you get where you can calm your mind you can focus it on getting that cancer out of your body. Visualization really helps a sick person get better, just ask the workers at your cancer treatment facility.
(((HUGS)))
I am sorry about your son, but right now you need to let him go and concentrate on yourself. The mind/body connection is very powerful and what you are thinking can influence your physical state. If you don't meditate already, I highly recommend that you learn to do so byt starting slowly, just 5 minutes at a time, focusing on your breath and nothing else. Then when you get where you can calm your mind you can focus it on getting that cancer out of your body. Visualization really helps a sick person get better, just ask the workers at your cancer treatment facility.
(((HUGS)))
Thatswayworldgoesround
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Deep South
Posts: 105
Stefanie:
I am sorry for what life has handed you right now. It's funny, just because we know they can't reach outside active addiction, it doesn't stop us from hoping for them to reach out to us or other loved ones. I'm saying a prayer he will have some 'sane' moments just to be able to see you and give you a hug...........I'm sure you're not asking for more than a bit of love. We do have a right to wish for it, you know. So here's a wish and a prayer for you today for healing and for a much needed visit from your son.
Love,
Bets
I am sorry for what life has handed you right now. It's funny, just because we know they can't reach outside active addiction, it doesn't stop us from hoping for them to reach out to us or other loved ones. I'm saying a prayer he will have some 'sane' moments just to be able to see you and give you a hug...........I'm sure you're not asking for more than a bit of love. We do have a right to wish for it, you know. So here's a wish and a prayer for you today for healing and for a much needed visit from your son.
Love,
Bets
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Stefanie
I am happy that your cancer is one that is curable. Thank the Lord for that.
I am unhappy that another Mom has to face the fact that her child is addicted.
That said, there is nothing you can do to change the situation he is in right now. You can change only your situation and you really have to save all your strength for you right now.
Your son is an addict, like mine, and until he is ready the only one he cares about is himself and where he will get the next fix. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it just means that his addiction has taken over his mind and body for now.
How many times did I say, "my son doesn't love me" because he is so hateful all the time. He treats me horribly. He yells and swears and calls me horrible names. I cried all the time because he broke my heart. Later I finally came to the realization that this was not my son, but an addict.
First things first now! This means you must take care of you first! You are very important and worrying is not going to help your health at this point.
Prayers coming your way that you regain your health quickly!
Hugs, Devastated
I am unhappy that another Mom has to face the fact that her child is addicted.
That said, there is nothing you can do to change the situation he is in right now. You can change only your situation and you really have to save all your strength for you right now.
Your son is an addict, like mine, and until he is ready the only one he cares about is himself and where he will get the next fix. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it just means that his addiction has taken over his mind and body for now.
How many times did I say, "my son doesn't love me" because he is so hateful all the time. He treats me horribly. He yells and swears and calls me horrible names. I cried all the time because he broke my heart. Later I finally came to the realization that this was not my son, but an addict.
First things first now! This means you must take care of you first! You are very important and worrying is not going to help your health at this point.
Prayers coming your way that you regain your health quickly!
Hugs, Devastated
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Oh stephanie, I am so very sorry for all the pain you're going through. Thank God that your cancer is curable! I have several friends who have survived cancer, and you will too.
We are all here for support. I will pray for you this evening, for healing of body and heart.
Hugs to you,
WW
We are all here for support. I will pray for you this evening, for healing of body and heart.
Hugs to you,
WW
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hey stephanie,
All I can say is that addiction sucks, your son should be there for you, but you are not alone. Hope you are feeling good today. Focus on today, right now, it's all any of us have, really, cancer or not.
krhea
All I can say is that addiction sucks, your son should be there for you, but you are not alone. Hope you are feeling good today. Focus on today, right now, it's all any of us have, really, cancer or not.
krhea
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm so sorry you have to go through this without your "loving" son, but with lots of prayers and alittle luck maybe he'll come around. My ras is a heroin addict and if he can do it so can yours
good luck, prayers and hugs to you
good luck, prayers and hugs to you
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