Not Worth the Bother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Not Worth the Bother
BACKGROUND:
I post on a photo Forum where Ex ABF also posts. I will say most of his posts are informative and educational as the one thing he is good at is the technical aspects of photography.
Often we cross each other in the forum simply because the subjects we cover are similar.
Anyway, when he posts his writing is sometimes really very good.. well thought out and well written. However, when he posts while doing drugs, his sentences have endings in the middle and periods where no punctuation should be etc. It is quite weird.
Well, he posts under his own name and several pseudonyms and other forum users are starting to notice his writing "style" when he is "hi" and are saying things. The forum admins have seen enough of this and have shut down a few of his pseudonyms.
TODAY:
I feel as if I have turned a huge corner emotionally the last two or three weeks. I have no "marker" incident I can point to in this process.. it has just sort of happened. I have thought much less of this guy in the last 10 days than I have in a long time and I am feeling good.
During this time, I have been thinking of sending him a last letter. This would be for MY closure and for not other reason. I do not want him back in my life on ANY level. I have no ulterior motive to hurt him or manipulate him in any way. This would be entirely for me so that I could wrap up the last bit of this and put it in a sack and set it elsewhere.
Well, this morning I was on the photo forum and I saw one of his Posts, one he did in the evening and where he was obviously Hi as a kite.. and you know I looked at that and thought to myself, "He is really always just going to be a drug addict."
Reading his post on the photo forum I simply realize that sending this to him won't do a bit of good.. won't close anything.. and my words will all just fall on deaf ears. There is truly no point.
I am going to write this letter but I am not going to bother to send it. It will free me enough to write it. Then I am going to make a little funeral pyre for it and burn it. That will close it all for me and I know that. I will be fine.
I am so lucky to have found SR and recovery for myself. I look at myself and all that I have walked through and I know there is a HP looking out for me, and I am so very grateful.
MEANWHILE:
His name is Steve. He is a drug addict. He will use anyone and anything to get money so he can live and use. He will always be a small time "operator" and dealer and always try to fly just under the Radar. He is a liar and an actor. He will find codies and use them until he is bored, then cheat on them and move on to the next codie.
He has been so far out of touch with who he really is that the person may not even exist anymore. He is so far from bottom he likely will never reach it. His first love in his life is drugs followed very closely by his own physical needs.
His name is Steve. He is a drug addict.
I post on a photo Forum where Ex ABF also posts. I will say most of his posts are informative and educational as the one thing he is good at is the technical aspects of photography.
Often we cross each other in the forum simply because the subjects we cover are similar.
Anyway, when he posts his writing is sometimes really very good.. well thought out and well written. However, when he posts while doing drugs, his sentences have endings in the middle and periods where no punctuation should be etc. It is quite weird.
Well, he posts under his own name and several pseudonyms and other forum users are starting to notice his writing "style" when he is "hi" and are saying things. The forum admins have seen enough of this and have shut down a few of his pseudonyms.
TODAY:
I feel as if I have turned a huge corner emotionally the last two or three weeks. I have no "marker" incident I can point to in this process.. it has just sort of happened. I have thought much less of this guy in the last 10 days than I have in a long time and I am feeling good.
During this time, I have been thinking of sending him a last letter. This would be for MY closure and for not other reason. I do not want him back in my life on ANY level. I have no ulterior motive to hurt him or manipulate him in any way. This would be entirely for me so that I could wrap up the last bit of this and put it in a sack and set it elsewhere.
Well, this morning I was on the photo forum and I saw one of his Posts, one he did in the evening and where he was obviously Hi as a kite.. and you know I looked at that and thought to myself, "He is really always just going to be a drug addict."
Reading his post on the photo forum I simply realize that sending this to him won't do a bit of good.. won't close anything.. and my words will all just fall on deaf ears. There is truly no point.
I am going to write this letter but I am not going to bother to send it. It will free me enough to write it. Then I am going to make a little funeral pyre for it and burn it. That will close it all for me and I know that. I will be fine.
I am so lucky to have found SR and recovery for myself. I look at myself and all that I have walked through and I know there is a HP looking out for me, and I am so very grateful.
MEANWHILE:
His name is Steve. He is a drug addict. He will use anyone and anything to get money so he can live and use. He will always be a small time "operator" and dealer and always try to fly just under the Radar. He is a liar and an actor. He will find codies and use them until he is bored, then cheat on them and move on to the next codie.
He has been so far out of touch with who he really is that the person may not even exist anymore. He is so far from bottom he likely will never reach it. His first love in his life is drugs followed very closely by his own physical needs.
His name is Steve. He is a drug addict.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
I got a chill when you said, he is always going to be a drug addict. Talk about an aha moment. I hope this is not true, but i'm glad you came to that conclusion. The question is, do you want to stick around or do you want to go out and start over? You are a good woman and you deserve to be loved and treated respectfully. I hope that happens for you.
krhea
krhea
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Elana, this is just a thought I had. Take or leave it. You said in one of your recent threads that you were ahving a hard time getting steve out of your head. Maybe you could find a different photography forum to go to? If you are reading his posts, it is bound to keep him in your mind perhaps?
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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Actually, the other day I responded to a thread he started and did not even notice he started it. The forum is such that the topic is in bold and the person's name is below it. Often I don't even LOOK at who started or answered the thread.. I read the postings....
However, when X there is Hi, his writing is bizarre and hard to miss. Other forum users have noted it, which is sort of amusing.
After I posted about not getting him out of my head a funny thing happened... He simply quit showing up there. I consciously tossed him OUT of my thoughts for about 3 days and suddenly he just wasn't showing up any more. I won't say quite what my tossing image was but it wasn't pretty... LOL
As to the forum.. you know.. it is like hiking trails. The lat time I saw him I was on a hiking trail I use and he happened by. I was upset to see him (this was last December) and thought "I won't go hiking there anymore" tho I love the trail.
Someone else said to me.. "Hey.. Wait a MINUTE.. Why should you avoid the places YOU like because HE might be there? If he doesn't want to see you let HIM avoid the places!" I thought on that and agreed.
I am not going to avoid a place or a forum simply because I might run across this guy. He is my EX.
However, when X there is Hi, his writing is bizarre and hard to miss. Other forum users have noted it, which is sort of amusing.
After I posted about not getting him out of my head a funny thing happened... He simply quit showing up there. I consciously tossed him OUT of my thoughts for about 3 days and suddenly he just wasn't showing up any more. I won't say quite what my tossing image was but it wasn't pretty... LOL
As to the forum.. you know.. it is like hiking trails. The lat time I saw him I was on a hiking trail I use and he happened by. I was upset to see him (this was last December) and thought "I won't go hiking there anymore" tho I love the trail.
Someone else said to me.. "Hey.. Wait a MINUTE.. Why should you avoid the places YOU like because HE might be there? If he doesn't want to see you let HIM avoid the places!" I thought on that and agreed.
I am not going to avoid a place or a forum simply because I might run across this guy. He is my EX.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Yeah, I understand. Glad you got him out of your head!
I don't go to my favorite beach anymore because I don't want to run into the ex. To me it is worth it not to risk seeing his dumbazz!! Or his crack addicted brother who also hangs out there.
Eventually I will probably go again.
I don't go to my favorite beach anymore because I don't want to run into the ex. To me it is worth it not to risk seeing his dumbazz!! Or his crack addicted brother who also hangs out there.
Eventually I will probably go again.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
[QUOTE=Elana;1409987]
After I posted about not getting him out of my head a funny thing happened... He simply quit showing up there. I consciously tossed him OUT of my thoughts for about 3 days and suddenly he just wasn't showing up any more. I won't say quite what my tossing image was but it wasn't pretty... LOL
QUOTE]
The key for me to get the ex out of my head was to not have anything around that reminds me of him. That and time.
The thought of him does fly through my mind daily, but now it is a brief, fleeting thought, and generally not very pleasant....
After I posted about not getting him out of my head a funny thing happened... He simply quit showing up there. I consciously tossed him OUT of my thoughts for about 3 days and suddenly he just wasn't showing up any more. I won't say quite what my tossing image was but it wasn't pretty... LOL
QUOTE]
The key for me to get the ex out of my head was to not have anything around that reminds me of him. That and time.
The thought of him does fly through my mind daily, but now it is a brief, fleeting thought, and generally not very pleasant....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
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I cannot exactly parge everything that reminds me of him from my life. We chose this house together (for instance) and some of the furniture he left here because he had no place for it. I am grateful for this as well since it has saved me from buying any.
BUT I do not have to have him renting space in my thoughts! I was really tired of him being there is all.
BUT I do not have to have him renting space in my thoughts! I was really tired of him being there is all.
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