How do you stop giving them power?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
How do you stop giving them power?
Isn't it strange how much tension an A can spread around and then when they are sober everyone in the house can finally relax? I haven't looked at this until now. I mean really look at how much "power" they do have. How do you get to the point where you stop giving them that power? I can control how many eggshells I walk on but the kids can't. I think that I am making a little headway but I'm stumped here. Probably alot of us here are stumped on this one. What do you do? Tell them to back off the front porch? Get back in the car and cruise on? They eventually walk through the door....Here comes the tension
I think I'm in control one minute and the next I realize that I'm not quite there.........Any suggestions???????????
2many2count
I think I'm in control one minute and the next I realize that I'm not quite there.........Any suggestions???????????
2many2count
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
good question!
They seem to feed off our emotions. They are looking for something from us, whether it's to solicit love and sympathy, or to pick a fight, they are daring us to get emotional.
We get sucked in because we keep hoping that there is a rational persion in there SOMEWHERE that we can get through to. Then, when our attempts to get through fail, we get emotional too.
They are adept at manipulation. They seem to want to create chaos and have the world revolve around them.
The few times that I've managed to keep the "power and control" in my hands, I have stayed devoid of any emotion. I was able to remain emotionless by realizing that I was dealing with a child, not my husband. I was dealing with a drunken spoiled brat. I just simply said to him "You're feeling sorry for yourself. Stop it. It's not attractive". And, he shut up and went to sleep.
When I fail at the "power struggle", it's because I'm thinking that I'm talking to the sober man, deep down in there somewhere. I tell him how I feel, how he's hurting me. Big mistake. They are oblivious to anything but their own emotions.
We get sucked in because we keep hoping that there is a rational persion in there SOMEWHERE that we can get through to. Then, when our attempts to get through fail, we get emotional too.
They are adept at manipulation. They seem to want to create chaos and have the world revolve around them.
The few times that I've managed to keep the "power and control" in my hands, I have stayed devoid of any emotion. I was able to remain emotionless by realizing that I was dealing with a child, not my husband. I was dealing with a drunken spoiled brat. I just simply said to him "You're feeling sorry for yourself. Stop it. It's not attractive". And, he shut up and went to sleep.
When I fail at the "power struggle", it's because I'm thinking that I'm talking to the sober man, deep down in there somewhere. I tell him how I feel, how he's hurting me. Big mistake. They are oblivious to anything but their own emotions.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
I too have found that I am able to "keep control and the power" when I am emotionless...at least to him. When he's gone or passed out, yep, I might cry like a madwoman...I might call my dearest friend and rant and rave..but to him, I "act as if"....nothing is wrong, nothing is bothering me....honestly, I see that it tears him up when he knows that no matter what He SAYS or DOES...I won't fall for it...he can't get to me!! I then see changes in attitude and behavior in him...he stops drinking and wants to be a family man....the only thing that does upset me is that we both fall back into those "old" habits so easily....Mine is a binger and I can see a binge coming 2 to 3 weeks before it happens......of course, I can't mention it to him...and I don't because it would be pointless. and that's when I NEED to keep acting "as if"...faking it till I make it...because when I over react, I've given him the excuse he was looking for....it's taking time, but I am getting better at this...as we all will/are!!!
Having somewhere like this that I can come to daily and post or just read, really helps me...see, I am a talker....and it just helps so much to be able to get your feelings out and no that no one here will criticize me (at least no one has so far...everyone's been great
) and that everyone has been in similar situations with a spouse, child, loved one, friend or whomever...
It's hard to do, but not buying into their ugliness helps us out tons!!!!
Having somewhere like this that I can come to daily and post or just read, really helps me...see, I am a talker....and it just helps so much to be able to get your feelings out and no that no one here will criticize me (at least no one has so far...everyone's been great
) and that everyone has been in similar situations with a spouse, child, loved one, friend or whomever...It's hard to do, but not buying into their ugliness helps us out tons!!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When we try to control them, we give them the power.
If they do what we want, we are happy. If they do not, we are miffed. So we have given them the power to determine whether we will be happy or miffed.
When we work our program, we learn that "they" do not hold the key to our happiness - WE do and did all along. We have to learn how to do what makes us feel good, and not just be a reaction to how they are.
We do not have to participate in their chaos. We do not have to react to their actions. We can choose to let go of any ownership of their addiction or recovery - it was never ours to own.
If they do what we want, we are happy. If they do not, we are miffed. So we have given them the power to determine whether we will be happy or miffed.
When we work our program, we learn that "they" do not hold the key to our happiness - WE do and did all along. We have to learn how to do what makes us feel good, and not just be a reaction to how they are.
We do not have to participate in their chaos. We do not have to react to their actions. We can choose to let go of any ownership of their addiction or recovery - it was never ours to own.
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