What is she running from?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: williston,fl
Posts: 35
What is she running from?
To make a long story short, my mother-in-law is in denial...denial...denial!
My husband (her son) is a drug and alcohol addict. He is currently in Intensive Outpatient Treatment and doing great!
He has come a long way, from denying his addiction to fully acknowledging it and embracing the recovery process.
Our problem is this. I had to court order my husband into treatment because the addiction was destroying his life. His mother refuses to acknowledge that he is an addict or that I saved his life. I am not making any contact with her until she does so, even keeping her from seeing our children (her grandkids). My husband is making very little contact. This is really hard for her to fathom. She continues to play the victim. She refuses to try talking to me at all by saying that I have hurt her by keeping the kids from her.
I am very angry with her because of her role that she played in my husbands addiction/treatment. She helped me start the court order process by promising to be strong and support me. After he was placed into detox, she turned her back on me. The night my husband got out of detox, I found out that she drank alcohol with him. She has continued to do this (drink alcohol with him) through his treatment up until about 3 weeks ago when my husband had a revelation and started his actual recovery. I don't want her to cause problems for him during his recovery.
All I want for her to do is take this serious. I feel as long as she does not support what he does and we do, she does not need to be a part of our lives.
Yesterday, my husband asked her to attend "family weekend" through his treatment program. It is not for a few more weeks, so she has plenty of time to plan for it. I will be attending also. She said yes. However, today when they talked, she said that after talking to her immediate family (????), she cannot attend the family weekend. My husband is hurt by this, but he is strong and knows that he has me for support.
Am I wrong for cutting off contact from her?
My husband (her son) is a drug and alcohol addict. He is currently in Intensive Outpatient Treatment and doing great!
He has come a long way, from denying his addiction to fully acknowledging it and embracing the recovery process.
Our problem is this. I had to court order my husband into treatment because the addiction was destroying his life. His mother refuses to acknowledge that he is an addict or that I saved his life. I am not making any contact with her until she does so, even keeping her from seeing our children (her grandkids). My husband is making very little contact. This is really hard for her to fathom. She continues to play the victim. She refuses to try talking to me at all by saying that I have hurt her by keeping the kids from her.
I am very angry with her because of her role that she played in my husbands addiction/treatment. She helped me start the court order process by promising to be strong and support me. After he was placed into detox, she turned her back on me. The night my husband got out of detox, I found out that she drank alcohol with him. She has continued to do this (drink alcohol with him) through his treatment up until about 3 weeks ago when my husband had a revelation and started his actual recovery. I don't want her to cause problems for him during his recovery.
All I want for her to do is take this serious. I feel as long as she does not support what he does and we do, she does not need to be a part of our lives.
Yesterday, my husband asked her to attend "family weekend" through his treatment program. It is not for a few more weeks, so she has plenty of time to plan for it. I will be attending also. She said yes. However, today when they talked, she said that after talking to her immediate family (????), she cannot attend the family weekend. My husband is hurt by this, but he is strong and knows that he has me for support.
Am I wrong for cutting off contact from her?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
It doesn't sound like you are so much cutting off contact, but protecting yourself and your husband, not to mention your kids, from her unhealthy mindframe. I've never heard of a mother who drinks with their recovering son, unless she has some kind of problem with alcohol as well. Could that be it? Might she be upset because she no longer has her son to indulge with?
Even if that's not the case, maybe she's just upset because you did for him what she feels that she could not. After all, she is his mother... she probably feels bad that she was not the one to get him to recovery.
Either way, she is behaving in an unhealthy manner and I know this is no fun. My thoughts are with you.
*hugs and prayers*
Even if that's not the case, maybe she's just upset because you did for him what she feels that she could not. After all, she is his mother... she probably feels bad that she was not the one to get him to recovery.
Either way, she is behaving in an unhealthy manner and I know this is no fun. My thoughts are with you.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
if his mom is not going to support him with his recovery maybe he needs to set some boundries with her.maybe u can set them also.she was drinking with him is not a good thing.it is about people,places & things & i do not care who it is, he does not need to be around her. my opinion only.prayers for you & hubby
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Sorry you are going thru this,but glad your husband is making strides.
Remember, this is a family disease. Who knows what is in her background,etc. I only recently learned both of my Grandfathers were alcoholics. My father still does not really want to admit that either his dad or my sister (doing very well in sobriety after a few false starts) really are/were alcoholics because they were not skid row bums. He just thinks they were stressed or something and went a little overboard.
Might take her awhile to learn and understand more,if she ever does. I'd say keep boundaries you need to, but she is probably ignorant of the facts;probably not deliberately destructiove. JMHO;but of course I do not know all the facts.
Remember, this is a family disease. Who knows what is in her background,etc. I only recently learned both of my Grandfathers were alcoholics. My father still does not really want to admit that either his dad or my sister (doing very well in sobriety after a few false starts) really are/were alcoholics because they were not skid row bums. He just thinks they were stressed or something and went a little overboard.
Might take her awhile to learn and understand more,if she ever does. I'd say keep boundaries you need to, but she is probably ignorant of the facts;probably not deliberately destructiove. JMHO;but of course I do not know all the facts.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We learn to control what we can and you can't control her thinking. By w/holding the grandkids from her you are living a certain way out of anger + pain etc. As you recover yourself from codependency you may learn that you can live your life by example. You will learn to walk the walk and talk the talk. I have been able to create a lot of healing in my extended family by 1)changing my attitude 2) accepting others limitations 3)being in alanon for a few yrs. and learning to communicate differently while having compassion for those not in recovery but being able to speak my truth without alienating others 4) setting my boundaries without anger etc
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I am in 100% agreement with you.
My own experience with this same kind of MIL got me no where. She refuses to this day to believe her son could have a problem of drugs. We've been divorced for 2 years and she is totally and completely taking care of his every need. He isn't working. Hasn't really worked in 6 years. She pays all his bills including his house payment.
If she had believed me, she would have put all this money into a rehab for her son to get him well. Instead, she is enabling him TO DEATH.
Perhaps you could talk to your husband about it. Ask him to talk to his mother. He should tell her the truth out of his own mouth. If she still won't believe it, then fine! Do what you need to do to protect your marriage.
Remember, no matter how horrid our inlaws can be, they will never "hate" their own children. So, either they abide by the rules of your marriage or they live without seeing their grandchildren. And, being a grandma, I can tell you that would kill me!
I would surely find a way for me to stay out of their problems and be able to enjoy my grandbaby.
My own experience with this same kind of MIL got me no where. She refuses to this day to believe her son could have a problem of drugs. We've been divorced for 2 years and she is totally and completely taking care of his every need. He isn't working. Hasn't really worked in 6 years. She pays all his bills including his house payment.
If she had believed me, she would have put all this money into a rehab for her son to get him well. Instead, she is enabling him TO DEATH.
Perhaps you could talk to your husband about it. Ask him to talk to his mother. He should tell her the truth out of his own mouth. If she still won't believe it, then fine! Do what you need to do to protect your marriage.
Remember, no matter how horrid our inlaws can be, they will never "hate" their own children. So, either they abide by the rules of your marriage or they live without seeing their grandchildren. And, being a grandma, I can tell you that would kill me!
I would surely find a way for me to stay out of their problems and be able to enjoy my grandbaby.
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