ladyamalthea

Don't get me wrong... I have so many reasons to be happy right now! I am especially glad that my sister has now made it through her first four days out of rehab without a slip... that's huge, coming from where she was two months ago.

BUT... I'm feeling a tad bit anxious right now, because I have to face my endocrinologist next week. This means admitting that I have gained back every pound I've lost since January. This also means admitting I have let myself go as far as my blood sugar meds go, because it all kinda snowballed, and now I get sick when I try to get back on them. This also means that I have to make some huge changes- and fast.

I've been learning a lot lately about just how biological addictions are in my family. My father's family is full of alcoholics, my dad's sister has type 2 diabetes, which some doc's will say is mainly, if not totally, b/c of her eating habits at my age, you know the situation with my sister, and then there's me- the fat one who cannot stop eating, even if her life depends on it.

As silly as this sounds, I have come to a very odd realization tonight; my sister still has one up on me. All through childhood, I struggled with feeling like she was somehow the favorite- she always got her way, she was pampered while my parents and I argued... I won't go into much more detail, b/c these are things I plan to address with my new therapist, but my ultimate resentment towards her and my parents ultimately came when I began to feel like I was losing my sister to her addiction, and that she was taking my parents further and further away from me. I know my parents need to recover too, and I don't resent them like I did a few weeks ago, but for a while I was my mom's therapist, best friend, diary, and Melissa log. She would call me, and I'd be eager to tell her about some good news, or maybe about something I needed help with, and she would be crying and say she just needed someone to talk to... this would happen on a daily basis. And then we would argue some more. So, in some ways I still feel resentment because sister stole three very important years from my life- the year I moved out of the house, the year I got married, and my first year as a teacher all became dedicated to something I had no control over, something that I felt was a sinking ship...

So, where am I going with all of this? I just came to the realization that I could never dare to do the things that ras has done in the past, because I am deathly afraid of those types of situations, if that makes any sense. The worst law I have ever broken is speeding, and I haven't even done that in years. This lead me to feel somehow jealous of ras, because it makes me feel like, if I had been in her shoes, maybe I would not have become addicted to food, and I would certainly be thinner. I mean, whiny as this will sound, why does she get to have the daring addiction, the one that has more substance to it? Why does she get the addiction that includes total abstinence as part of recovery? I know that OA stresses abstinence from binging, but you wouldn't dare ask your addict to pick up their doc and just take one hit/sip/puff, would you? But then again, I cannot be completely abstinent, because one has to eat to survive. So, where does this leave me? It leaves me in a viscious cycle of impossibility. And it leaves me even more resentful, because at least with her addiction, if she stays away from her triggers, she has a better chance of success. But I can't do that, b/c I feel like everything is a trigger! Stress is a trigger, anger is a trigger, depression is a trigger, boredom is a trigger, weakness and fatigue are triggers, food is a trigger, a lack of food is a trigger...

Lol... now that I've fully made myself look like a psycho, I will stop. I will be calling some therapists tomorrow, and I'll see where I get between that and my endocrinologist, who I will have to make understand me somehow, because he's the only one within 50 miles...

Live

Are you in an al-anon program or overeaters anonymous or both?
Sorry that I don't know this all ready. I have a short term non memory. LOL
Sometimes we need to vent.
I suggest you come back in a week and reread this.

((((hugs)))))

ladyamalthea

I had tried OA, and I don't know if I didn't give it a fair chance, or what, but I wasn't comfortable there... I would give it another chance if there was another meeting nearby, but there's not; and I need to make more time to go to Alanon or Naranon, I have totally dropped the ball there.

Live

You can pick it back up at any time! LOL

I understand the resentment towards siblings. And I have my reasons and some aren't much different than yours.
Mostly I am over it....for me, not for them.

But I am reminded by an oft repeated saying from Ann that sometimes the difference between a bad day and a good day is 24 hours.

Do you mind my suggestion to come back and read this in a week? And then perhaps post again if you are of a mind to?

I'd like to know how you are doing.

marle

My daughter started her addiction with bulimia. Because bulimia messes with the serotonin in your brain, she took an oxy. Found that it made her feel good. Became an addict. So she has two addictions. I have seen both sides=food addiction and drug addiction. So I understand what you are talking about. I also was anorexic when I was younger and know how much food can dominate your life. I am sure that since you were succeeding in other parts of your life, your parents did not worry as much about you. My mom never knew how I struggled with food. All she saw in me was the responsible, level-headed daughter. So she never worried. I struggled with anorexia by myself. Never shared it with my mom or family because I did not want to cause my mom more worry. She already had enough with my alcoholic father and my younger and older sisters who were in abusive relationships. Sometimes you have to find a way to give yourself the love that you feel is lost in your family relationships. Hugs, Marle

Elana

FWIW LM, you are not less or more than your sister.

You are a grown woman in your own right and you are very much worth the effort to BE healthy.

That being said, I have an older sister who is grossly obese. She has battled weight all her life and is a type 2 diabetic. She is a prime candidate for stomach bypass surgery.. but she is afraid to do that. She actually LOST all the weight years back on the Weight Watchers (R) Program. She became a LIFE member... but gave it up, got married and is now 200 lbs over weight. She is dying as a result of this obesity.

Well, I decided I could stand to lose a few poounds myself, so I asked her about Weight Watchers. She actually was interested in going back! I was suprised, but she KNOWS she is sick from her weight.....

So, we have been going to Weight Watchers. I cannot do a thing about her weight or her eating habits, but I can be her friend and go to the meetings with her. I am.

It is a good program and she is losing weight for the first time in YEARS. Part of this is her co-dependency.. she wants to show ME she can do it... LOL... I wish she would do it for herself.. maybe that will happen as she starts to FEEL BETTER?

Meanwhile, the pounds I wanted to lose I am losing so it is good for me and I have learned some things about eating healthier (my problem was portion size).

I don't know if you have tried this program.. but my point is, if you can get a friend to go with you and someone to talk to between meetings.. you might find it helpful. I have found it helpful!

Sibling Rivalry is a part of growing up. Getting past it and living your life is part of that too.

Just my thinking on this.

caileesnana

You are not alone, I understand completely!
blessings,
susan

hope213

you can do it but you have got to want to do it (lose weigh) just like the addict wants to be clean. yuou go lady,go,u can do it.hugs,

HKAngel24

Hm, recovering my eating disorder left me extremely aggravated. You are so, so, so right with how much harder it is to cope with a substance that is necessary for survival- you are battling with the all-or-nothing. Drug addicts, alcoholics just had to ABSTAIN from picking up the doc or drink. I always considered this easier- for those suffering from eating disorders we HAVE to eat for survival- this requires learning balance and for many it's all-or-nothing. This was my biggest challenge and still is.
I think anyone struggling with an eating issue understands that it is not about the food/weight/calories- there is something deeper there.I think you get this. Our inner struggles manifest themselves through our eating problems- we are trying to deal with our emotions that way- the same way the addict/alcoholic abuses their substance.

For me I chose not to eat and became hardwired to use this to deal with my feelings. Everytime I got upset I absolutely could not eat which I always found incredibly difficult. For me this was more socially acceptable than using drugs of course. I would encourage you to read any books for Geneen Roth (I THINK this is her name!)- she has fabulous books that detail her overcoming her fight with food. There is also a 'Don't Diet- Live it' workbook that was also good for me.

Regardless, once you find a therapist- you can dive into how to manage these triggers and knowing how to cope in other ways. For me I had to leave a room, place, conversation, etc. if it veered into "weight speak" because it was so triggering for me. Please be patient with yourself. You do not deserve to suffer like this.

MsPINKAcres

Sometimes early in the programs of recovery (AA, NA, Al-Anon, Naranon, OA, GA) you will hear others say "Fake it til ya Make it"

I never really understood what that meant - I thought I was trying to learn to be real, to be true to myself - why would I want to Fake something?

I know now it is the same as "Acting as if" - I go to a meeting even if I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of the meeting, I read literature even tho sometimes it just sounds like words, I call my recovery friends when I want to hide under the covers - I keep going thru the motions until the emotions follow the actions.

I Fake it til I Make it.

This has helped me get thru those times I feel overwhelmed and like I never get past all the triggers in my life.

Hope today is a better day for you,
Rita

ladyamalthea

Elana,

Thanks for the suggestions. I have tried Weight Watchers several times. It is a great program, but it does not work for me for one reason (and yes, this is completely my fault...) When I begin to lose enough to have to reduce my points, I freak out, because it was already hard enough for me to make myself stay within the right number of points to begin with, and so I tell myself, "I'm just going to have one last splurge before I lose another point," and low and behold- I end up off the wagon again. For someone who doesn't have my problem, it sounds like there is an easy fix in there: just to avoid the action of the splurge... but it's almost mechanical at this point, very hard for me to not do.

Hangin' In

Lady,

If there's no OA meetings near you, pick that ball back up and find an Al Anon or Nar Anon. You come from addiction, honey. You have the family disease and the 12 steps can be applied in your eating disorder.

I don't mean to oversimplify this because I know this is a huge struggle for you. But until you make the effort to do something about it, you will stay right where you are.

Please find a meeting and/or a therapist and get started....today.

Love & hugs,
Hangin' In