setting boundaries with my RA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: my hearts in NY i'm in FL
Posts: 112
setting boundaries with my RA
Since my RA last visit together we have decided since both of us need our space to work on ouseleves and our own recoveries......that we would try to just be friends.
up until about three weeks ago i thought that was the case than he starts sending me mixed messages. about getting together and Blah, blah blah.....
i spoke to my sponsor because i was confused. i wrote alot in my jounral. he spoke with his sponsor.... he decide that with his sponsor that we shouldn't meet up because we have been in a relationship and it would not be good for his early recovery.
at first i was hurt and angry at him but after speaking to my sponsor i realized that i can not just be his friend. there is too much emotion and feelings for him. i love him very much but at this time i need to get off the merry-go-round of:"i miss you, i need to focus on my early recovery, i want to see you but i need to focus on my recovery..... i need to change myselfish way and think of you and your feelings and stop putting my needs first" recovery quack ... recovery quack... recovery quack
so after talk with my sponsor i decide to tell him that i respect the fact that he want to focus on his early recovery and i agree that WE both need our space to recover and find out what we really want out of our relationship. i suggested to him that we not make any phone contact until he has his one year anniversary which is at the end of september. (it is not fair to me, because what kind of woman could settle for just being friend with the man that they love?) I told him that if we wanted to get in contact with each other that there is old fashion snail mail or we could email each other. however i requested that we both refrain from talking to each other about our relationship or missing each other and we are not to make any plans until he has his one year anniversary and we re-evaluate our relationship. i suggested that he talk this over with his sponsor.
he agreed to all of this However the next thing he said is that went he gets home to his half-way house that he will call me so we can talk about this more.
HELLO- McFLY What did WE both just agree on???!?!?!?! no phone contact until his year anniversary (it is only 2 1/2 months i'm not asking him not to call me for a year!). the worse part about it; is i really want to talk to him and i really really want him to call but how is this suppose to work out?
Gang i'm going to need your help and support to not allow this new recovery boundary to be crossed. i need this time as much as he does.
any suggestions???
ah the worst part about this whole thing is i'm going to a dredded family reunion, in NY. so i will have very few chances to hop on line and check the posts but i would just a ppreciate your thoughts and prayer of strenght and courage i need to keep my recovery boundaries with the man i love.
my best
ps:i'll be back late tuesday night 7-17
up until about three weeks ago i thought that was the case than he starts sending me mixed messages. about getting together and Blah, blah blah.....
i spoke to my sponsor because i was confused. i wrote alot in my jounral. he spoke with his sponsor.... he decide that with his sponsor that we shouldn't meet up because we have been in a relationship and it would not be good for his early recovery.
at first i was hurt and angry at him but after speaking to my sponsor i realized that i can not just be his friend. there is too much emotion and feelings for him. i love him very much but at this time i need to get off the merry-go-round of:"i miss you, i need to focus on my early recovery, i want to see you but i need to focus on my recovery..... i need to change myselfish way and think of you and your feelings and stop putting my needs first" recovery quack ... recovery quack... recovery quack
so after talk with my sponsor i decide to tell him that i respect the fact that he want to focus on his early recovery and i agree that WE both need our space to recover and find out what we really want out of our relationship. i suggested to him that we not make any phone contact until he has his one year anniversary which is at the end of september. (it is not fair to me, because what kind of woman could settle for just being friend with the man that they love?) I told him that if we wanted to get in contact with each other that there is old fashion snail mail or we could email each other. however i requested that we both refrain from talking to each other about our relationship or missing each other and we are not to make any plans until he has his one year anniversary and we re-evaluate our relationship. i suggested that he talk this over with his sponsor.
he agreed to all of this However the next thing he said is that went he gets home to his half-way house that he will call me so we can talk about this more.
HELLO- McFLY What did WE both just agree on???!?!?!?! no phone contact until his year anniversary (it is only 2 1/2 months i'm not asking him not to call me for a year!). the worse part about it; is i really want to talk to him and i really really want him to call but how is this suppose to work out?
Gang i'm going to need your help and support to not allow this new recovery boundary to be crossed. i need this time as much as he does.
any suggestions???
ah the worst part about this whole thing is i'm going to a dredded family reunion, in NY. so i will have very few chances to hop on line and check the posts but i would just a ppreciate your thoughts and prayer of strenght and courage i need to keep my recovery boundaries with the man i love.
my best
ps:i'll be back late tuesday night 7-17
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Seperation is very hard, especially when you love each other.
But, what do you want out of life? A merry go round ride for years and years with neither of you getting "well"?
Stick to your boundary. Take care of yourself first and stay strong. Things will fall in line once you take care of your self first.
But, what do you want out of life? A merry go round ride for years and years with neither of you getting "well"?
Stick to your boundary. Take care of yourself first and stay strong. Things will fall in line once you take care of your self first.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Ah, I used to be really good at this game...
"it's over, it's over... c'mon over"
It took me awhile to figure out that each person needs to work his or her own program... and that neither of us had anything healthy to bring to a relationship until we GOT HEALTHIER!
Focus on yourself and your recovery. You'll know when it's the right time to get together, if you listen to your HP and your sponsor.
Hugs
Cats
"it's over, it's over... c'mon over"
It took me awhile to figure out that each person needs to work his or her own program... and that neither of us had anything healthy to bring to a relationship until we GOT HEALTHIER!
Focus on yourself and your recovery. You'll know when it's the right time to get together, if you listen to your HP and your sponsor.
Hugs
Cats
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
You're always in my prayers and always will be.
Now.......can you block the number he'll be calling from if you have to temporarily? I realize he could find another number to call from though. I know I haven't been much help lately. I think maybe this time you are going to need to pull out your inner strength and just stick to the plan. It's just a couple of months. You can do it Polly.
Now.......can you block the number he'll be calling from if you have to temporarily? I realize he could find another number to call from though. I know I haven't been much help lately. I think maybe this time you are going to need to pull out your inner strength and just stick to the plan. It's just a couple of months. You can do it Polly.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Polly, I know you have the strength and recovery you need to stick to this boundary....Very mature decision and way to go talking about it with your sponsor and trying to stop the dance. (I love how Cat put it "it's over, it's over... c'mon over")
I don't know if I could really focus if communication restrictions excluded email and letters and I was head over heels for the guy...but that's just my weakness...I think I would need a no contact rule or I could be very tempted to jump back in...
It does sound like he may continue testing...I've found the best way to stick to a boundary is to restate it when it is being challenged and not get into an explanation or discussion about it. Because once I open that door to any back and forth, it's easier for me to slide.
You've worked very hard on your recovery and you should be proud of how far you have come. I of course wouldn't wish addiction or loving an addict on anyone, but I always think it is wonderful when one so young like you can find this better way...It just helps in every aspect of life...what great tools to have for a lifetime.
Sending additional prayers for strength and clarity for you, Polly. I hope the reunion is better than you anticipate! Hugs
I don't know if I could really focus if communication restrictions excluded email and letters and I was head over heels for the guy...but that's just my weakness...I think I would need a no contact rule or I could be very tempted to jump back in...
It does sound like he may continue testing...I've found the best way to stick to a boundary is to restate it when it is being challenged and not get into an explanation or discussion about it. Because once I open that door to any back and forth, it's easier for me to slide.
You've worked very hard on your recovery and you should be proud of how far you have come. I of course wouldn't wish addiction or loving an addict on anyone, but I always think it is wonderful when one so young like you can find this better way...It just helps in every aspect of life...what great tools to have for a lifetime.
Sending additional prayers for strength and clarity for you, Polly. I hope the reunion is better than you anticipate! Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: my hearts in NY i'm in FL
Posts: 112
thank you so much for your quick responses i should be asleep by now but i'm not. i leave for the airport around 5am.
kris~he usually calls me from a calling card from his half-way house. on my caller id it shows up with his name on there, sometimes it will show up private number. i'll just screen my calls that's all.
greeateachday~ i did this for my benifit because if something is important enough to write down on a piece of paper and send it to someone then it must be important. Besides i know him very well and i doubt i'll get an email or a post from him. he is a talker.
Cats~ that is all i really want is a healthier relationship with him. our relationship has become much more healithier than it has ever been, mostly because he has worked on himself. NOw i need to work on myself and become healthier for me.
progress not perfection
no expectations
let go and let god
one day at a time
kris~he usually calls me from a calling card from his half-way house. on my caller id it shows up with his name on there, sometimes it will show up private number. i'll just screen my calls that's all.
greeateachday~ i did this for my benifit because if something is important enough to write down on a piece of paper and send it to someone then it must be important. Besides i know him very well and i doubt i'll get an email or a post from him. he is a talker.
Cats~ that is all i really want is a healthier relationship with him. our relationship has become much more healithier than it has ever been, mostly because he has worked on himself. NOw i need to work on myself and become healthier for me.
progress not perfection
no expectations
let go and let god
one day at a time
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
