queenteree

Hi All,
I'm the one with the recovering A (who has not drank now for 46 days) who didn't know if I had it in me to do what it takes when he came home from rehab. Well, he's been home 3 1/2 weeks and I'm waiting for something to click with us and it hasn't yet. I know I love him, but I still don't know if I want to be in this marriage anymore. Sometimes I think too much has happened for us to get it back. It seems like we're distant and I can't even talk to him about it (and all during our marriage, we were best friends and close and could talk about anything). He keeps saying he thinks I want it over (I guess he knows me well). And maybe I do. I mean for the first 14 years of our marriage, we were a team, worked together, had certain things he would take care of (lawn, car things, cleaning the bathtub, pay bills), certain things I would take care of (everything else), then in the past couple of years, especially the past year, we got a landscaper, I've cleaned the tub, brought my car in for repairs, etc.) and all the responsibilities on top of my own got laid on me. And you know what - I'm still doing it. We had to bring my car in today to be serviced and then RAH tells me "when you call the guy ..." What ever happened to when he calls the guy???? I kinda told him that on the phone and he says "oh, I guess that's another thing I'm doing wrong." Then he goes on to say that he's been doing stuff (he set up the grandkids inflatable pool and filter - yay for him!!!) and when I try to talk to him about it, he gets all kind of pissy. Just like this Saturday we went to my sister and her husband's house for a BBQ and he was saying how our backyard is filling up with all the stuff for the grandkids (I watch them 3 nights a week and every other weekend). I said "at least they're happy" and he said "I never wanted kids". I got upset at that and told him that if he never wanted kids, he could very easily leave and we would all manage fine. Wouldn't want him to be unhappy. He said I took it wrong, that he never did want kids (which I always knew), but he's glad he has them and the grands he just hates all their stuff all over the place. And then there he goes again with the "I'm wrong again" type thing. The thing is, I always loved him cause of how much he loved the kids (sober and drunk) and I can't just let this remark go. That, and the fact that he's not trying to make up for all the things he has done to me. It's almost expected that it be dropped and we move on from here, and I can't do that. I'm thinking of telling him tonite that I think we should separate. Then I'll have to deal with him getting all pissy and him saying how much he's trying. I don't know whether he really is and it's just not good enough anymore or what. Your thoughts are appreciated.

parentrecovers

you deserve time and space for your own recovery. blessings and support, k

LaTeeDa

I hate to be the one to point it out again, but that sentence is full of resentment. It's taken me a long time (almost two years) to let the resentment go. And I still find myself resenting him sometimes. Especially when I'm scraping by to make ends meet and he has all kinds of disposable income to blow when he has the kids. I think it was Minnie who said "they're not doing it TO ME, they're just doing it."

Best wishes to you whatever you decide.

L

denny57

(((queen))) I think in the past you have said no to Al-Anon? I know many people who have been through what you are now going through. Many of their marriages survived. Face to face support through this tough time, from those who have been through it too, might be the ticket.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

un4gvn acts

Before Al Anon ----
I did all of this for him - he owes me
What Alanon taught me ------
I did all of this for him but he never asked me too!

Live your life -one that makes you happy
Allow him to live his

Pick-a-name

Do what you need to do, but to me,3 1/2 weeks doesn't seem like time for the dust to have a chance to settle. JMHO

Maybe if you both concentrate on working your own programs,things will become clearer for both of you. Usually it is said one year no major changes (unless danger); I always thought that applied to me/us,too.

Good luck with whatever you decide is best.

queenteree

Thanks, I appreciate all your input. A while back when RAH first went to rehab, Harleygirl suggested I wait a year, which I had every intention of doing. But I have been down this route before (almost 20 years ago) and back then he was making an honest effort to be the man I wanted in my life. I don't see the effort this time. I see an effort to remain sober and go to meetings, and he's doing great so far, but I don't see the effort put into our marriage. He thinks as long as he's not drinking, it's all good. Which may have been the case 5 years ago (when he wasn't drinking), but too much has happened in the past year or so. I know the type of man I was married to and the type of marriage I had (14 years when he was sober). He's sober now, but I don't have that marriage, and that is what I wanted. To settle for less, to me, is just settling. I feel I deserve more. I feel I am being taken for granted and I truly just don't see it working this time. Yes, I have to go to AlAnon and yes, I really have to work on me, I want to do that whether I am with him or not. And yes, I may harbor some resentment. But all of that would clear up if we'd just separate.

un4gvn acts

You said
And yes, I may harbor some resentment. But all of that would clear up if we'd just separate.

Not necessarily:
Whether he is in your life or out you will still harbor anger, resentment, & maybe hate for him. IMO

Focus on you!

Remember that the only thing that you have to do today is ..............JUST BREATHE

cscdcowboy

I was out of touch with my A for about two years after she was out of rehab. Ya, till she started drinking again. Then she stopped drinking and we were still in touch. She is still trying to kill her self with her drinking but if she gets out of the hospital I think we can do even better. I know one size does not fit all.
Looks like you have made up your mind, keep us posted how things progress.

loverof1

I have no right to tell you what to do, but I have given my heart to my AH. I dont know from one day to the next if it is going to be good or bad with him. Still....I will give our marriage 1 year to come around and get better. I harbor some serious resentment, but that is my issue and only I can resolve it. IMHO way to early in his/your recovery to make a judgement call. Give yourself time to heal and rebuild what you had.

I wish you the best.

queenteree

I was willing to give it a year. It just seems like it's getting harder and harder and I see no improvement. He's getting the whole recovery thing, and that I'm proud of him, and I do love him, but it's not what I want anymore in life. He is not the same (I don't think I am either) and I don't see that man ever coming back. He was much nicer at rehab, he's not getting the fixing our relationship part.

foregoodreasons

queenteree,

I've often heard it said:

"Harboring resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies."

For your sake I hope you can get past the resentments that you feel towards your AH. I realize this may take time.

Your AH is still trying to recover from his disease. I hate to suggest you cut him some slack but maybe you can try to lose some of your resentment and maybe, just maybe, that will help you hold on long enough so there will be time to work on the marriage.

Once he's on really solid ground you two could do couples counseling?

The issue you are having right now comes from a lack of having your emotional needs being met. You've spent so much time just trying to survive the storm that now that the storm has somewhat subsided you're looking down and realize the boat you're in does not provide you with enough safety and love. In order to feel loved you need to experience things your spouse provides like admiration, affection, financial and domestic support, conversation, intimacy(emotional and physical).

If your H is truly recovered it may do you some good to start working on the marriage. You are the one who is here so I can only recommend something for you. If I may I would suggest you visit www.marriagebuilders.com or read The 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. These are just a couple of the things I know can help rebuild marriages where one or both partners feel the love is gone. (The prinicipals do not work if one of the partners is an active addict).

queenteree

The issue you are having right now comes from a lack of having your emotional needs being met. You've spent so much time just trying to survive the storm that now that the storm has somewhat subsided you're looking down and realize the boat you're in does not provide you with enough safety and love. In order to feel loved you need to experience things your spouse provides like admiration, affection, financial and domestic support, conversation, intimacy(emotional and physical).

How very true. You hit the nail right on the head. He does not provide any of the above except for the physical intimacy and financial support. He used to provide all of the above, now he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing and when I try to explain it to him, right away he cops an attitude of "I'm always wrong, no matter what I do." And trust me when I say, we truly had a good marriage for years. Able to talk about everything and anything. And I am by no means a nag at all. I NEVER nag him, he's even the first one to admit it. We treat each other with respect (except during the past year or so when I was so downright nasty and mean and said things that were truly horrible to him). But since rehab and coming home, I we respect each other with our words. But the above isn't there, and I doubt it ever will be. I just don't feel it, and I don't think he does either, but he's too sweet to ever admit it (plus he probably doesn't want to go thru the whole move out/separation/divorce issue considering he's not supposed to have any changes for a year either). So why waste the year?

best

Marriage Counseling and him working a good recovery program with a sponsor would be some good options. If he is willing...you can be a team again.

With no alcohol intake, we still have our self that remains. Counseling and working the steps are two ways we can find growth.
Boundaries and doing what you need do to keep your space at peace are things you still need do till he shows you different.

He stays or he goes... all the things you are doing, you will still need do anyway.
Look over your boundaries and see if things need be adjusted and maybe give the counseling a thought or two.

queenteree

Best, you are right, I still need to work on me, and I was really making strides when he was still actively drinking. Now it's like I'm starting from square 1 again. What boundaries do you suggest now that he is sober and not being mean or anything, just not caring, loving, supportive, etc. Don't get me wrong, he still hugs me, kisses me, etc., still wants to fall asleep holding me every night (we have always done that during our entire marriage) but in pubic, he is not affectionate, does not even act like he is with me, acts like he hates being married (or the kids thing, which he would never have said before), he expects me to do certain things that were HIS responsibility during our whole marriage, etc. He used to actually spoil me, and that is what I became accustomed to, what I missed during the past few years, and what I miss now. He's also not easy to talk to, especially about him. And he always was before (even when he was drinking).

best

Counseling would maybe open his eyes to what a team is and show him where he could help out more.
My wife will continue with her soft spoken requests and wait me out. Ask once...wait...ask a second time...wait...the third time...with a soft tone... I see you are busy...I will do it myself. No raised voices or attitude and I hear every word she says.
No raised voices or attitude and she will say... I would like some help, I can't do it all myself.
Nothing gets me moving faster then when I see her pick up a hammer and try to do things on her own (something she is not skilled at)

Such things as... You are stronger then me...could you do this for me?

Two things hit home for us guys when such is asked... We are stronger and we like coming to the rescue. Use what motivates. As for men vs women who is stronger...doesn't matter...it is what we think that brings the motivation to fruition.

respektingme

queenteree, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night. I don't know much and am in a hurry to learn more.... mainly about how I came to be a person who takes so much crap. But a few things..... doesn't it take more than 40 days for a person who quit drinking to get rid of the "stinking thinking"? My DH has 9 days. His emotions are all over the place. He flat told me this weekend he wanted a divorce and then was crying a few hours later begging me not to leave him. Booze really plays a big role in their thinking, so it's got to be complicated when they are learning to think without it.

Right off the bat I'm not focusing on his drinking, his thinking or him. I met some wonderful women last night who are going through the exact same thing I am, and have experienced the same exact thing. I don't know if I'll end up divorced a year from now or not. But I can't imagine making that decision so soon into recovery.

Have you been to Al-Anon? I felt a huge weight lifted after I went last night. Good luck to you.

respektingme

I've always thought my DH had no common sense or mechanical skills because he is such a brainiac. Thought he had the book sense and I had the mechanical skills. I really do everything that involves tools in this house. We're the exact opposite. As soon as I see him pick up a tool I come running. In hindsight, it was probably his stinking thinking that was contributing to his inability to fix anything. He has no tolerance or patience. I refused to install a garbage disposal one time, and told him to put it in or call somebody himself. He got mad and threw the wrench. Anger doesn't come into play when I'm working on something, perhaps that's the only difference between me and him, or the booze is the difference.

foregoodreasons

Please don't speak for him unless you are quoting him. You cannot know what he wants and assuming you do is disrespectful of him. Imagine the resentments you could create if you started to pretend to know everything he is thinking/desiring.

I can't answer your question. You have to decide if the effort required to rebuild your marriage is worth it ... even if it means the year could be wasted. Please keep in mind that the future isn't written. Things can change in a hurry. People have A-ha moments and are capable of making quick, but lasting changes.

As I see it you are caught between being open and honest(O&H) with him and him being defensive ('he's just not good enough'). You could possibly get a different reaction out of him if you changed your delivery. I'm not saying you're being mean or cruel when you're being O&H but maybe there are different ways for you to share that don't send him into defense mode.

Sorry to sidestep for the moment but .... Aren't his words about 'not being good enough' an indicator of what he thinks about himself and possibly he covered that up with alcohol?

Back on track: An example of a different delivery is first setting him up with some words of affirmation, try to make a thoughtful request and use "I feel" statements so he doesn't feel attacked. "Honey I just love it when you hold me, kiss me and hug me when we're at home. I wish to experience that same feeling when we're out in public. I feel even more cherished, attractive and loved when that happens. What do you think about doing that for me once in awhile?".

Sorry queenteree. I'm not the best at this part. I hope it was helpful. The MB forum has a whole ton of more helpful, experienced and educated posters.

queenteree

To the guys who responded:
I speak to him ALL THE TIME like you suggest. I use the "I feel" "I would love..."etc. that's why I said I never nag. I also tell him how good he is at things when I want them done, I don't nag to get them done, I ask a few times, prefacing it with "I know you're really busy, but when you get a chance, could you please ..." Doesn't work. And your right Foregoodreasons, my RAH always tells me "don't project" and "don't assume". I really try not to.
To everyone who responded so far: thanks and I am going to look up AlAnon meetings in my area. It's just that I babysit my grandkids so much that it's hard to get to a meeting. But I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow (I've only been going to her for about two months - not really sure if she's a help, my old therapist that I really clicked with left and is now supervising therapists in a different county).