TexasGirl

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out my side of the equation in my previous relationship with stbXAH. I think it's important to straighten this stuff out because I don't want to repeat the same patterns. I have come to realize that it probably wasn't about the drinking and that I wasn't out to fix him. I believe for me, it was about the fact that he held most of the control, and the characteristics that many As have were characteristics that most likely fit what I needed.

Fast forward to today. My life feels totally out of my control. Finances? My checking account is negative.......again. Apartment? It's a mess, dishes haven't been done, clothes not hung up, dog stuck inside all day. Love life? I gave some stupid guy's intentions the benefit of the doubt over and over and over when he did absolutely nothing to deserve it. Work? I've got a lot going on, and instead of jumping in to do it, I'm hiding from it til the last minute because I'm afraid of finding out that I have more to do than I think.

I just want to feel like I'm on top of it and to have control of my life! I recently said to someone, "I just want to be in love again sooooo bad!" If I think about that, I probably just want someone to assume responsibility for my life again. I think I am afraid of owning my own life, although I am forced to own it now by default. But I'm doing a pretty sucky job!

It's like I'm just behind the curve on everything.

What am I doing wrong? Better yet, how do I start doing it right?

minnie

I always chuckle when I see you have titled a post along the lines of "A bit OT". It is usually exactly what I need to read that day and so certainly not off topic for me!!

My plaintive cry is usually "I just wish I wasn't always in catch up mode". There's a very good reason for why I am - it's so there is always stuff to do and I don't have make some big decisions about my life. I am never "done" - there is always housework to be done, paperwork to be actioned and filed, car to be washed, clothes to be mended, recycling to sort, emails to be written etc etc. It's not that I don't do anything, far from it. I just subconsciously make sure that there is still more to be done. And I too have a very small voice inside that wishes I had someone to take care of stuff - but for me, I still want them to provide me with the solutions to the bigger issues that I am putting off looking at. The voice is quieter these days and I am thinking more about that stuff for myself. I can't put it off much longer, though, as my life is waiting.

I journalled about it today. Awareness, Acceptance, Action, right?

LaTeeDa

I'm glad you posted about this today, too. For me, I think it's a bit of the martyr I still need to let go of. As in--look at all this stuff I have to do and no one to help me with it!

I find when I am feeling at peace, I don't worry so much about all the stuff. In other words, there is still just as much to be done, but I don't attach so much importance to a lot of it. My prioritization is better. You know, pick your battles, and all that. I go back and forth between the two states of mind, though. I have to consciously decide to let some things go or I will get back that "out of control" feeling. I sometimes have to say (out loud!) to myself--just how important is this anyway? LOL

L

aztchr

Do you feel more in control of your environment when you are involved with someone?
Do you keep up with the things you mentioned then?
What can you live with from yourself this time around?

MsGolightly

TG, if this was me, i would start by making small goals that would help me take care of myself and my surroundings in a better or healthier way. like, decide to do whatever dishes you have every other day after work. or, decide to clean your living room today and your bedroom tomorrow. write down what day you're going to do certain things and stick to it. at the very least, you'll end up with a cleaner place that you can claim as your own

LaTeeDa

Oh yeah, and about the checkbook thing--a great book to read is "Women and Money" by Suze Orman.

L

CE Girl

Right On topic TG!!!

I actually am just the opposite of you. I think I've channelled my "control" issues to my own life and being OBSESSIVE about being "prepared". For what I have no clue.

I am almost anally analytical about the day to day

Before I leave for work, my place has to be just so. The boxes that were strewn about almost non existent these days as i obsessivly empty them one by one, no matter HOW tired I am.

I got LISTS galore. For work, for home, for play,,lol. And I "plan" to not run out of anything,,,lol. Even venturing among the toursits this weekend to go to my fav body shop for lotion!! So I wouldn't run out!! Ummmmm,,,I coulda waited until Monday,,,

You know what finally slowed me down this weekend? I hung my window treatments in my living room. Sat down around 9 pm sunday night to enjoy my "futzin". As I was reading, I heard this slow creeeeeeeeeeeeeeek and looked up just in time to see them window treatments come CRASHING down!!! So ,much for not being on display anymore,,,lol. But it made me realize, after ALL THAT time and work on freakin CURTAINS, how improtant were they anyway?!?!?

I learned a lesson

If I'm gonna take care of me, the curtains can WAIT.

So, what are you diong INSTEAD of the dishes?

Peace

GlassPrisoner

Hmmmm, Control......

I gave up trying to control everything around me. That's a big part of my disease. The dash after 'We admitted we were powereless" is "That our lifes were unmanageable". That could be read, IMO, "That our lifes were uncontrollable".

Today, I was thinking back to step 2. "....restore us to sanity". Isn't it insane to think that we can actually control the outcome of just about anything in our life ? Right here, right now, is all I can control, typing this message. Even then, there could be a power outage !

What I do is pray every morning for direction. Without fail, there is always something in front of me to do. I do the next indicated right thing. After a while, it becomes almost second nature, I don't have to ask myself "Is this what I should be doing ?", I just make a decision, take action, and let God decide the outcome.

And guess what, things get done. Slowly, and methodically, and little by little. Heck, I even have a checking account now......

denny57

There is so much in that paragraph, TG; about a year's worth of me sitting with my therapist LOL!

Control - I had to let it go. Completely. Let. It. Go. Wanting to be in love again - it feels good, doesn't it, that fun of falling in love and feeling a connection with a romantic partner.

Questions I'd ask (I'm basing this on your past posts); have you been working on understanding how your parents making all your decisions keeps replaying in your thinking and doing? I think this is a tough one because if thinking for oneself isn't instilled early, it can be difficult, but of course not impossible, to find the source to tap into.

I'm learning to pay attention to the words I use - they are not by accident. You say you are "forced" to own your life. How does that make you feel? Fear, yes. Resentment? Entitlement? One of my very best friends had parents who all her life sold her the idea a white knight would come along and take care of her. She's 48 years old and just starting to accept that isn't going to happen. Is there a part of you that believes that?

Well, enough Denny armchair psychology LOL; I agree with Minnie - these posts are hardly OT - they are what recovery is all about, in my opinion.

A piece of advice I got from my family doctor over a year ago was that it was perfectly ok to spend some time staring at the wall. I spent months not doing much more than that. Now I can see how that really helped me. I took myself out of the game of "Busy Busy Life" and gave myself permission to heal - no rushing to replace the old life with a new. Just living one day at a time. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but today I am a different person from who I was that year ago. I most appreciate how much my thought processes have changed. When I left my last appointment with my doctor, he said "I knew you had it in you." I'm glad he did.

Pick-a-name

TG; I could have written your post....thanks for doing it instead!

FormerDoormat

Sounds like your apartment, checking account, love life, and more is in a state of chaos. The key word here is "chaos," not control. You certainly have control of your finances and can make the necessary changes to ensure that you don't expend more money than you bring in. You're certainly in control of your home environment. Keeping a place for one tidy is not a lot of work. You simply put things away as you use them, run the vacuum and dust once a week, and presto, you're done.

So it's not control that you have an issue with. It's chaos--or should I say the lack of chaos in your life that bothers you. You're missing the chaos and drama that surrounds alcoholics.

Perhaps your childhood home was chaotic and unkempt. Perhaps your interactions with your family were chaotic. Perhaps that's why you were drawn to an alcoholic in the first place. They certainly fill your life with chaos. Perhaps you're subconsciously creating chaos in your life because it's all you've ever known. It feels comfortable. So you keep repeating the same pattern. If you don't have an alcoholic partner to surround you in chaos, then you create it yourself.

The need for chaos doesn't have to follow you into your new life. It's a conscious choice that you're making. I think you're afraid that life without chaos will be boring. Why not make a concerted effort to eliminate all self-imposed chaos from your life for six months to give yourself a chance to adjust to and get into the rhythm of your new life--one without chaos? Find something healthy that makes your heart sing. I enjoy volunteering at a local animal shelter. I love animals. They bring me great joy and remind me to live in the moment and enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I know my work has saved a life. And when I watch a favorite animal leave the facility with its new family, I shed tears of pain at the thought of never seeing them again, but also tears of joy because now we have room to save one more animal in need.

Make a choice today to eliminate the chaos from your life. Eventually, it will feel normal to you.

Nuudawn

Gosh, I'm glad for this post TG. I'm in the horrible place where I feel incapable of getting even the simplest task right and am overwhelmed (therefore procrastinate) about it all anyway. I'm in recovery from 20 years of drinking and unhealthy codependent relationships. I feel like FINALLY I'm actually doing this thing called "growing up"... it's soooooooo hard ya know? I don't even know where to begin! I'm going through the motions but I'm kinda got this pouty wah wah thing going on about it all. Ya ..I too want to be swept away by relationship cuz I am soooo tired of simply "dealing" with the years of bad choices and wrong turns. I feel like I have no bloody idea how to live... how to get thru the day to day with any sort of ease or contenment.

(Sigh)... (shrug)... this is hard.

TexasGirl

Okay, okay, wow. You guys are really helping me today. Wow. I think that there are a few angles here that really apply! Control, chaos, self-discipline.

Control
Yes, my mom decided everything about my life. I "knew" where I was going to college when I was four. I think her intentions were good in this area, but at the same time, I feel brainwashed a bit too. To this day, I hide things that I have done so that she won't get mad. She doesn't yell at me anymore, but I would still rather die than admit that 10 years ago, I got my belly button pierced. I think my life was about looking perfect....take cookies to the elderly neighbor, make As or you're grounded for 6 weeks (yes, I didn't get to go on a school trip once for an 89), excel, excel, excel. Okay, then I'm a dork with a myspace page, and she recently got one so that she could see my friend's babies. Mine was private, so I didn't worry. Well, then she "added me" to her friends. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by turning her down, so now I type, delete, censor, and re-type a bunch of things because I am afraid of her reading it. I think this also trickles down to something else. I tell my doc all the time that I feel like a little girl, like I'm not old enough or mature enough. I also say that I don't want kids yet (not that I have a husband anymore to do that with, but work with me) because I don't feel like I'm old enough to be a MOM. But at 28, even friends younger than me are parents. I just can't fathom it.

Control meets chaos
Okay, so FD mentioned chaos...
Yes, our home was definitely unkempt, so I guess that's not so hard to conclude why my apartment is a mess.
Next, my mom was just a screamer. Like a lot. I don't even remember why we screamed at each other like we did, but it was a LOT. Crazy, crying screaming. I guess it was mostly about grades, but it was also when I wouldn't get out of bed, or if my room was messy (which as I mentioned before, it's not like the house was clean!), but I don't remember what else. I just know it was a lot. I guess it comes down to yelling over anything that was outside of the specified thing she wanted from me.

Lastly, self-discipline. If I try to be honest, I think I have none.
From a website:
I need to work on that. I think it is something within my control. I have none. The cool thing, like Minnie said, is awareness and acceptance. I never thought about this before. I need to just have some discipline in my life. I'm just kind of sailing along right now. The 'not a care in the world' attitude is kind of fun, but the messes piling up around me are NOT! And the gaining a few pounds is NOT! And the constant 'where did my money go' is NOT. Yikes.

Okay, so now I'm officially rambling yet again. But I so appreciate your insights. I love my doc, but you are helping me draw far more parallels that he has. If you've got any more up your sleeve, I'm listening!!!

TexasGirl

Side note....after posting that, I am starting to worry that my mom might have found SR and might read that. Makes me nervous....

LaTeeDa

Okay, my turn to be armchair psychologist. (Hey, Denny, maybe we could open a practice together, LOL)

It seems to me that at the age of 28, your mother is still treating you like a child. And you are still playing that role in your relationship with her. Who cares if she reads what you wrote? You are exploring your self and your issues, not intentionally berating her. I don't think you wrote anything you should be nervous about.

Have you talked to your doc about your relationship with her? Maybe it's time to start asserting yourself where she is concerned. I don't mean being confrontational, more like just being who you are with her. Maybe you should stop censoring your myspace? Let the chips fall where they may. She probably won't like you growing up on her, but I think if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with her, it is necessary. What do you think?

L

P.S. A good book for exploring this issue would be "The Dance of Fear" by Harriet Lerner.

MsGolightly

TG, it sounds like we had identical upbringings! i had to be perfect as a kid, and i still hide 80% of my life from my mom - there are things that would make me want to die if she knew about them. i'm a few years younger than you, but i know what it feels like to have a relationship with your mom where you feel like you're a little kid.

i think LTD is right - you're acting like a kid by hiding things from her, being nervous of her finding things out - and it continues the cycle. you could gradually add things back to your myspace page - and if she confronts you about it - so what. what's she going to do? parents have a hard time accepting that their kids are going to grow up and have lives of their own, but just as you need to accept your part in it, so does she. you're both dancing!

on another note, about not being ready to have kids, that's understandable given that you feel like you are still a kid in the eyes of at least one person who is important to you. feeling unorganized and almost a sense of irresponsibility (that's not the right word, but i'm referring to the messy house, the wondering where your money went, etc) makes you feel unprepared to have kids. maybe you could spend more time around your friends' children or babysit on the weekends or even volunteer at a local hospital or daycare... all of that might help you feel more prepared to have kids when the time comes.

mazey

Oh, Texas Girl. You have done wonderfully....you are just in a stage. Sort it out with your doc and the friends here. Sometimes, it is just the recognition...'hearing yourself'! and then deciding if and when you choose to do something about it.....
Having a love in your life is important.....it will come. You are still young and healing, don't ya think. It will come when the time is right......Linda