Like a slap in the face
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Like a slap in the face
Been married 13 years. My husband is a functional A. He manages to maintain a great job. He is a pretty terrific dad. He only drinks after the kids are in bed. Bla bla bla. He thought he had his problem under control. He's been going to AA meetings on and off for years. I went to one Al-Anon meeting, wanted to talk about him and got redirected to ME??? I never wanted to go back. This was HIS problem, and I had very little to do with it.
Oddly enough, I turned 40 this year and have had a hysterectomy, cancer, skin cancer, anxiety, depression and one time when I had anxiety so bad I couldn't eat (until a doc prescribed Klonopin). Couldn't pin my lo-esteem, anxiety, low energy, etc. on any one thing. I think it was probably from years of eating s**t, and not realizing it.
So I finally convinced my A to check into an intensive outpatient rehab program. He started last week. Saturday was the first family group session so I went. Funny, out of about 25 A's, I was the only family member who showed up. Me and a room full of really sad looking people.
The counselor did some role playing. And when he described the wife, I thought I was either going to burst out in tears or turn around and shoot every single A in the room. Now I see, I DO have a part in this. Over time, I've learned that I should not get mad...... he might drink. I should shut my mouth if he gets mad..... or he might drink. And guess what??? He loves that!!! And he still drinks!!!
The counselor described how A's can be total jerks. But then he said, "We can also be charmers..... When..." and the group replied together "we want something". What a sucker I've been!!!!
What a tough week. A has been sober all week. Goody for him. He's also been a jerk, and I've also let his words slide. One of his grown daughters was visiting this week, overheard him talking to me and asked me, "Why do you let him talk to you that way?" HIS OWN KID! Because I didn't even notice he was being rude. I'm used to it. He can actually shave down my esteem into a small pile of worms, and I let him.
Now I see why I need Al-Anon. My first time will be Tuesday evening. Now I'm starting to wonder how many people in Al-Anon wind up divorced. Because once a person starts to envision life without the A, isn't divorce inevitable?
He tried to be charming after the meeting Saturday, because he wanted some physical attention. Hmph! After seeing what a sucker I've been, that's the last thing I wanted. I said no. He slept in the guest room. The next morning he said he was planning to move down there. I told him that I want a divorce. Get the f*ck out of my house. I've put up with his drunk *** for all these years, and after 1 week of sobriety he's ready to move into the guest room? Uhh nope. Out the front door and don't look back.
Oh man, within minutes of my response, he was in tears begging for my forgiveness, making promises, bla bla bla. For once, I didn't feel like a worm. I didn't have to be the only one to make things better. I felt terrific!!!!
So I'm not moving out today. Typically, I'm the only one who makes logical decisions around here. So I'm going to do what everyone else does, and order a bunch of codependence books and al-anon books. And I'm going to go to al-anon. And I'm going to follow a plan for my life and my children. In one year, I'm going to reassess my situation. If it's not better, I am gone. And if things get terrible between now and then, I may leave sooner. It makes me sick that I've lost my self-respect.
And I reallllllly hate how much A thinks about the word, "deserve". As in, he deserves to drink, or he deserves to speak rudely to me, or he deserves whatever. I told him yesterday, none of us "deserve" to have anything, and certainly not at the expense of someone else...... namely ME.
Thanks for reading.
Oddly enough, I turned 40 this year and have had a hysterectomy, cancer, skin cancer, anxiety, depression and one time when I had anxiety so bad I couldn't eat (until a doc prescribed Klonopin). Couldn't pin my lo-esteem, anxiety, low energy, etc. on any one thing. I think it was probably from years of eating s**t, and not realizing it.
So I finally convinced my A to check into an intensive outpatient rehab program. He started last week. Saturday was the first family group session so I went. Funny, out of about 25 A's, I was the only family member who showed up. Me and a room full of really sad looking people.
The counselor did some role playing. And when he described the wife, I thought I was either going to burst out in tears or turn around and shoot every single A in the room. Now I see, I DO have a part in this. Over time, I've learned that I should not get mad...... he might drink. I should shut my mouth if he gets mad..... or he might drink. And guess what??? He loves that!!! And he still drinks!!!
The counselor described how A's can be total jerks. But then he said, "We can also be charmers..... When..." and the group replied together "we want something". What a sucker I've been!!!!
What a tough week. A has been sober all week. Goody for him. He's also been a jerk, and I've also let his words slide. One of his grown daughters was visiting this week, overheard him talking to me and asked me, "Why do you let him talk to you that way?" HIS OWN KID! Because I didn't even notice he was being rude. I'm used to it. He can actually shave down my esteem into a small pile of worms, and I let him.
Now I see why I need Al-Anon. My first time will be Tuesday evening. Now I'm starting to wonder how many people in Al-Anon wind up divorced. Because once a person starts to envision life without the A, isn't divorce inevitable?
He tried to be charming after the meeting Saturday, because he wanted some physical attention. Hmph! After seeing what a sucker I've been, that's the last thing I wanted. I said no. He slept in the guest room. The next morning he said he was planning to move down there. I told him that I want a divorce. Get the f*ck out of my house. I've put up with his drunk *** for all these years, and after 1 week of sobriety he's ready to move into the guest room? Uhh nope. Out the front door and don't look back.
Oh man, within minutes of my response, he was in tears begging for my forgiveness, making promises, bla bla bla. For once, I didn't feel like a worm. I didn't have to be the only one to make things better. I felt terrific!!!!
So I'm not moving out today. Typically, I'm the only one who makes logical decisions around here. So I'm going to do what everyone else does, and order a bunch of codependence books and al-anon books. And I'm going to go to al-anon. And I'm going to follow a plan for my life and my children. In one year, I'm going to reassess my situation. If it's not better, I am gone. And if things get terrible between now and then, I may leave sooner. It makes me sick that I've lost my self-respect.
And I reallllllly hate how much A thinks about the word, "deserve". As in, he deserves to drink, or he deserves to speak rudely to me, or he deserves whatever. I told him yesterday, none of us "deserve" to have anything, and certainly not at the expense of someone else...... namely ME.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
Wow...I want to personally thank you for that post! You are an inspiration...you summed up my feelings on the entire life matter in one post. You are quite obviously an intelligent and motivational person. Just because you or any of us let one person with a sickness make us feel any less than we should, doesn't mean we are the weak partner. We love and care too much sometimes to put ourselves first and needed to be reminded of just how important we are. I wish I could hug you in person for what your post has done for me today. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, respektingme, that is one great share.
Although I am divorcing, not everyone does. I also decided to wait a year before making an decision. AH filed for divorce from me within that time frame. No one can predict what will happen. Keeping the focus on my own recovery has been key.
Although I am divorcing, not everyone does. I also decided to wait a year before making an decision. AH filed for divorce from me within that time frame. No one can predict what will happen. Keeping the focus on my own recovery has been key.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: baltimore, maryland
Posts: 463
You do know alcoholism is a disease??? It progresses very slowly for the A and partner....A's sometime don't know they are acting so carelessly...it is part of the whole disease thing.....Did you bring his bad attitude to his attention in the past?
You said he is going to therapy (working on his recovery)..so he is putting forth the effort. Recovery also progresses slowly....for both parties concerned....Your A has one week in recovery, is that long enough to make giant choices now.... Us A's are not BAD people, but our actions are.....Most of us can correct these actions...it takes time.....just my 2cents...
You said he is going to therapy (working on his recovery)..so he is putting forth the effort. Recovery also progresses slowly....for both parties concerned....Your A has one week in recovery, is that long enough to make giant choices now.... Us A's are not BAD people, but our actions are.....Most of us can correct these actions...it takes time.....just my 2cents...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Everything you described is pretty much par for the course for an alkie. Sorry you're going thorugh what you're going thorugh. Al-anaon sounds like an excellent choice.
Funny, my sponsor went to AA with the intention of leaving his wife. (It's all their fault, don't you know?). His sponsor told him to wait a year. that was 10 years aog, they're still married. Hopefully your A finds recovey, but until then, yes, work on you.
That was the last thing my ex said to me before a friend came and got me.....that was 4 years ago, I drank for another 3.
In one year, I'm going to reassess my situation.
Get the f*ck out of my house
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by BBQBOY 
You do know alcoholism is a disease??? It progresses very slowly for the A and partner....A's sometime don't know they are acting so carelessly...it is part of the whole disease thing.....Did you bring his bad attitude to his attention in the past?
You said he is going to therapy (working on his recovery)..so he is putting forth the effort. Recovery also progresses slowly....for both parties concerned....Your A has one week in recovery, is that long enough to make giant choices now.... Us A's are not BAD people, but our actions are.....Most of us can correct these actions...it takes time.....just my 2cents...
You said he is going to therapy (working on his recovery)..so he is putting forth the effort. Recovery also progresses slowly....for both parties concerned....Your A has one week in recovery, is that long enough to make giant choices now.... Us A's are not BAD people, but our actions are.....Most of us can correct these actions...it takes time.....just my 2cents...
I realize he has two personalities. One that I love and one that I hate. Over time, the one that I hate has been much more prevalent than the one that I love. I used to bring it to his attention, but then he got even more mad that I was complaining. And he drank more. And I blamed myself. So I stopped. We have both made adjustments so that we have a well-greased bundle of dysfunction.
He literally pulled out his planner this weekend, wrote down everything that I told him I can't stand about his behavior, wrote down things I want him to change, wrote down things I said and promised (while talking through his tears) that he will change.
I wanted to believe him, but I can't. I hope it's true, but can't allow myself to get my hopes up. I have to make a life plan, because this yo-yo of following his needs is making me lose myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: baltimore, maryland
Posts: 463
Hi Respektingme,
Sounds like you have done as much as you can....I.m sorry your A can't see through the fog..... Like others have posted, it's time to work YOUR recovery... I'm coming from the other side of this so I had to ask..Thanks for the response...
Work Hard and Enjoy Life...Ned
Work Hard and Enjoy Life...Ned
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Something that struck me like a 2x4 during the group meeting. The counselor said...
"Humility is not thinking less of ourselves.
It is thinking about ourselves less."
OMG! When I finally broke my own personal code and blew a gasket this weekend, I kept yelling at him...."Stop thinking about yourself!!!"
Ugh!! I hate it!!! He thinks so much about himself, that I wind up thinking all about himself too!! What about me?? I have become the sacrificial fly. Or was. I feel so much better today. I can see a little of the old me. I want me back.
"Humility is not thinking less of ourselves.
It is thinking about ourselves less."
OMG! When I finally broke my own personal code and blew a gasket this weekend, I kept yelling at him...."Stop thinking about yourself!!!"
Ugh!! I hate it!!! He thinks so much about himself, that I wind up thinking all about himself too!! What about me?? I have become the sacrificial fly. Or was. I feel so much better today. I can see a little of the old me. I want me back.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Alanon will help you see a lot about yourself, and it will help you see why you have put up with this so long.
In the 4 years I have been in, I have seen a lot of divorces. Reason being I feel that once on has worked this program and regained a little knowledge and self-respect they take a 2nd look at the drunk next to them and say “CYA!”
If you look around her you will se a lot of people who WISH things were different in their relationships.
Look at all the letters starting out, “oh they are so fantastic only if they didn’t drink…….”
Once you start thinking and learning a fog will lift.
Gone will be the romantic notions we have all had and the stark reality will smack you up against your head.
Some couples are still together, but they both work a strong program. AA and Alanon become their life, every day and in every way.
I waited about 2. 5 years before I filed for divorce, but I worked on me. Meanwhile she still flaps about like a fool.
In and out of trouble and jail.
I’ve had friends get killed by their drunken spouse.
One fellow member had her alcohlic son run over his girlfreind.
Homes, families and lives are lost while they live to drink.
A bad attitude is the least of your worries.
Take care of yourself for a change.
In the 4 years I have been in, I have seen a lot of divorces. Reason being I feel that once on has worked this program and regained a little knowledge and self-respect they take a 2nd look at the drunk next to them and say “CYA!”
If you look around her you will se a lot of people who WISH things were different in their relationships.
Look at all the letters starting out, “oh they are so fantastic only if they didn’t drink…….”
Once you start thinking and learning a fog will lift.
Gone will be the romantic notions we have all had and the stark reality will smack you up against your head.
Some couples are still together, but they both work a strong program. AA and Alanon become their life, every day and in every way.
I waited about 2. 5 years before I filed for divorce, but I worked on me. Meanwhile she still flaps about like a fool.
In and out of trouble and jail.
I’ve had friends get killed by their drunken spouse.
One fellow member had her alcohlic son run over his girlfreind.
Homes, families and lives are lost while they live to drink.
A bad attitude is the least of your worries.
Take care of yourself for a change.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by respektingme
And I reallllllly hate how much A thinks about the word, "deserve". As in, he deserves to drink, or he deserves to speak rudely to me, or he deserves whatever. I told him yesterday, none of us "deserve" to have anything, and certainly not at the expense of someone else...... namely ME.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for reading.
We all deserve life on life's terms...that's about it. My XABF thought he deserved his cake, cupcakes, cookies...heck, the whole dam'd bakery! Did I mention it was at my expense? And I let him, until I left him.
I think I'll go make some brownies...I'm hungry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I've been silently afraid that if I started Al-Anon, I would wind up divorced. After one group session with AH in his rehab group, I was ready to walk out the door. But that has to be better than staying. It's a sad reality that I think I've actually been preparing for for several years, but not really believing I'd ever muster the nerve. At this rate, I'll be on my own very soon!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by respektingme
I've been silently afraid that if I started Al-Anon, I would wind up divorced. After one group session with AH in his rehab group, I was ready to walk out the door. But that has to be better than staying. It's a sad reality that I think I've actually been preparing for for several years, but not really believing I'd ever muster the nerve. At this rate, I'll be on my own very soon!!
L
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